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Thread: What should I even feel like?

  1. #11
    I really just wanted to give a more accurate impression of what is going on. I understand that the bad behavior is not okay, but is it worth giving up all of the good?

  2. #12
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    Yes! It is. I would not tolerate any of that. We all responded to your thread in the same way. Abuse is abuse.

    You are continuing a life of abuse. Perhaps, this is what attracted you to him. You need to extricate yourself from this, and get some therapy . I also suggest you look into your co dependence.

    He has no desire to change or get counseling. Now, if this were not a big problem, you would not have asked for counseling multiple times. Wake up!

    Get out!
    Last edited by Hollyj; 05-15-2019 at 01:29 PM.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    It always breaks my heart a bit on here when someone posts something honest on here and then pivots back the moment people listen.

    I'll skip over the abuse debate for the moment, much as what you outlined makes that a pretty easy debate, and simply say that what struck me in your original post is the amount of brainpower being used to make up for being in a relationship that doesn't sound very satisfying. When you're making pro/con lists, instead of just being comfortable in the pros and cons, it's generally a sign that the right buttons aren't being pressed.

    As another person said, being in a relationship is a choice. You don't choose to stay in it because the "good outweighs the bad," but because it feels good to be in it. Odds are that when you're turning to the internet for answers, it hasn't felt good for a good long time.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ALuckyLilDuc
    I grew up in a pretty abusive situation as a kid/you adult (my oldest sister is a real... such and such), so I may have what seems like an unreasonable amount of patience. I just know that he's never laid a hand on me in anger, and he does apologize for the worst of his offenses. I could never have even hoped for that much as a kid/young adult.
    One doesn't have to physically strike you to be abusive and it is said that emotional abuse is often worse. You don't have mark to show for it, therefore it can be subtle and insidious. Someone like you, who's been raised in an abusive environment finds this to be their relative norm. It's of no surprise you are trying to rationalize and normalize this behavior. We are attracted to what is familiar, even if it's really bad for us.

    You've asked for change but instead you need to recognize that this is who he is and he isn't going to change.
    Can you endure a life time of this?
    And as far as the accounting of all his good qualities, most abusers have good qualities but it doesn't negate the bad.
    Watch the Netflix movie about Ted Bundy.

    When you shared you were grateful for the apology after the abuse because it was more than you got as a child, seems as if that was enough of a reason to endure this - makes me really sad for you. Please believe you deserve so much more.

    I was in an abusive marriage and people here will likely use some strong words that will shame you somewhat for being in this relationship to begin with. But it is a very complex situation that takes some time to unravel. It doesn't happen overnight.

    But coming here, acknowledging what you have and challenging your current situation and thought process is just the start.
    I hope you find your way to the other side.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    came back to add that your title is somewhat telling
    ~what should I even feel like~
    It suggests that you have disassociated yourself from own feelings, your own internal compass - which is typical of someone in an abusive relationship.
    One has to turn off that inner voice, their intuition to stay in a relationship like this.
    Once lost you need to relearn it.
    It's the very thing that keeps you safe from harm.

  7. #16
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'd encourage you to look broad picture. My thoughts are in line with Bluecastle's and I agree with the others. Thank you for all the facts that you've shared with us and your situation, LilDuc. I also agree with the general view that this is not a healthy or happy place for you. The emotional response: wanting to shake your boyfriend and scream is real and it suggests strong feelings of resentment, frustration and fear for your own future.

    You mentioned that this is also your fiance (post #8, paragraph 3) which means that you do have the added thought/pressure that this could mean a lifetime of this type of behaviour in your own home, your private life and this is what's in store for you in all the years to come. I can also see that any disagreements along these lines will point, more than likely, not only to the end of the relationship but the break down of your engagement and your current hopes/dreams for your future. In addition to dealing with or withstanding his manipulative personality, you're also mourning the potential loss of your hopes/dreams.

    I'm sorry this is not a healthy place for you. It wasn't healthy for a long time but I think you should take heart and think very carefully about where you see yourself. Many of us have ended unhealthy relationships in deep commitments for the sake of our own wellbeing as well as those we care about. You do not need to continue this way if you don't feel it's right. You just need to make peace with a new future, new hopes and dreams and learning to break this cycle.

  8. #17
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    Agree with the others.

    And -why were his physical features one of the first things you listed in the pro list??

  9. #18
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    Taking yourself out of the equation and looking at it objectively, if your sister, or your daughter if you had one, were to post the cons, what would you advise them?

    They're all very bad, but the first five are especially egregious and I cannot imagine what story you are telling yourself that would justify remaining in this extemely toxic and dangerous situatuon.

    Also, he has not hit you yet, but verbal/emotional abuse with time always (not even typically, but always) escalates to physical.

    I suspect you have essentially numbed yourself from it, which is how you are able to tolerate, plus it's familiar to you since you experienced abuse as a child.

    Given these things, I'm actually quite afraid for you, and hope you can get the proper professional help from a therapist who specializes in abuse, and will eventually be able to break away, before finding yourself badly injured or worse at the hands of a very very troubled man.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    His good is literally that heís hot and heís nice to people who arenít you.

    Why woud you want to be with someone who treats everyone BUT you well?

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Agree with the others.

    And -why were his physical features one of the first things you listed in the pro list??
    Yeah I found that odd too.

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