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Thread: How do I get my best friend back?

  1. #1
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    How do I get my best friend back?

    Hello,

    English is not my first language and I am crying as I am writing this, so apologies in advance for any grammar mistakes. I'll keep this short (otherwise I would be writing until tomorrow), but I can give more details if necessary: my best, best guy friend of 3 years (I am a woman) is so distant and I don't understand why. I can't tell you how much we loved each other and how great our relationship was for the last three years. We did everything together, talked several times a day, helped each other through so much (especially him, because I was going through some serious personal problems until recently)... I never had this connection with anyone. We talked about living together and getting married one day in a place we used to go, even though we were never in a relationship. He's the best person I've ever known. Nobody ever did this much for me, not even family, and nobody understands me and gets me like he does, and I know he felt the same about me. We made a rule (he was the one who came up with it) of getting together at least (bare minimum) once a week, regardless of anything, and we always did that. Everything started to change when he went to work in another city. I started taking public transportation for hours there and back just to be with him for 15 minutes while he was at work and I felt he was not appreciative of it but I never said anything. Then I started to realize he would never tell me when he had days off (when I knew he had a day off, I would ask for us to be together and he would tell me he already had plans). This went on for months. He said it was work and stress and having absolutely no time the reason for us not being together, not talking on the phone for days... He started not replying to my texts and every time I asked what was wrong and tell him I was hurt he would get mad and say he was hurt too because he needed me then more than ever and for me to understand he had no time. Two months ago, he quit his job, came back to the city, was on holidays for a month before starting the new job and we saw each other exactly once. He doesn't treat me the same anymore, continues not replying to texts, I call him and he has his phone off and when I ask him he says the battery died, but I don't remember that happening even once in the last three years. He always, always took my calls, always everything. I tell him I want to have a serious conversation and he keeps avoiding it and acts as if everything is alright. I don't understand. He never initiates anything but when we talk he is nice but acts distant. It is so not the same anymore, something changed and he doesn't care and I feel like he forgot everything about us and our wonderful friendship and abandoned me. He was the most important person in my life and he told me I was the most important person in his life too and acted like I was, it was not just words. I am crying now as I spent another whole day waiting for him to tell me something and he didn't, and then I called him before going to bed like we did every single day for three years before he went to work in another city and his phone was turned off again. I don't know what to do and I hate being this desperate person, but, at the same time, I feel like our friendship deserves fighting for and I shouldn't just not do anything. I feel invisible, forgotten, abandoned and so, so hurt. We used to love each other so much and I miss him so much and I tell him that and he doesn't even say it back. I don't understand and I don't know what the best course of action is. What should I do to get things back to normal, to have a serious conversation with him, to get my best friend back? Thank you so much in advance.
    Last edited by aboutagirl2; 05-14-2019 at 07:37 PM.

  2. #2
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    I get the feeling he has a girlfriend and that's why his time is now occupied elsewhere.

  3. #3
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    HI, I think you need to give him some space. I know its super hard and hurtful you must miss him a lot. However, the more you call and try with him and he's not showing you the same attention its going to hurt even more. Keep yourself busy and let him come to you. Right now he's not contacting you so he's not ready to fight for your relationship. So give him some space and time and let him come to you when he's ready to explain. In the meantime keep yourself busy spend more time with family and other friends. The less you focus on your phone and his replies the easier it will be.

    Also no one can forget a meaningful relationship so he hasn't forgotten you he probably is going through some changes in his life and he wants to focus on himself. Sometimes people are selfish. Keep yourself busy busy busy.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    When someone is trying to create some space between the two of you, it's not a good idea to continue to repeatedly to close in on that space.

    I am sorry. I can hear how disappointed and confused you are. But your friend wants space and there is nothing you can do but respect that.

    To continue to push will only drive him further away.

    I get you feel you had some sort of commitment with him, but things often change and life goes in a different direction sometimes.

    He changed his course for what ever reason and to continuing to chase someone who's walking away will only hurt you more.

    Ultimately he will lose respect for you and will lose respect for yourself as well.

    Do you have a friend or family you can go to for support?
    Don't run to the very thing that hurts you for comfort.

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  6. #5
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    When someone is trying to create some space between the two of you, it's not a good idea to continue to repeatedly to close in on that space.

    I am sorry. I can hear how disappointed and confused you are. But your friend wants space and there is nothing you can do but respect that.

    To continue to push will only drive him further away.

    I get you feel you had some sort of commitment with him, but things often change and life goes in a different direction sometimes.

    He changed his course for what ever reason and to continuing to chase someone who's walking away will only hurt you more.

    Ultimately he will lose respect for you and will lose respect for yourself as well.

    Do you have a friend or family you can go to for support?
    Don't run to the very thing that hurts you for comfort.
    I think this is a great post and worth repeating.

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    Thank you so much for your replies... It means a lot... It is my first time posting in a public forum even though I had already made an account and had thought about posting other times so I was hesitant but it feels good to be heard. I feel like this is going to be another sleepless night crying. I read my post again and I feel like it seems the relationship was one-sided but I swear it wasn't. He used to run for us to be together the second he could, take me out to dinner (I am still a student, even though I am in my late 20s so he always pays for everything for the time being. We used to joke that I would pay for a really great vacation for us one day, as compensation, even though he said he didn't want anything back, of course) he called me and texted me as much as I did or even more. Honest truth. That's why I'm so hurt. I can't believe we're in this situation. I can't believe this is happening and that I am losing my best friend and the person I thought I would end up with. We always assumed we would live together when I started working. We dreamt about getting married one day.

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    Capricorn3, it has crossed my mind... It would explain much. But I hope he doesn't. I would be so hurt and so disappointed, even though we have no commitment. And I would be even more hurt and more disappointed that he would have been lying to me... Why would he do that? I want to believe he would not do this to me.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    I get the feeling he has a girlfriend and that's why his time is now occupied elsewhere.
    It has crossed my mind... It would explain much. But I hope he doesn't. I would be so hurt and so disappointed, even though we have no commitment. And I would be even more hurt and more disappointed that he would have been lying to me... Why would he do that? I want to believe he would not do this to me.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by ironi
    HI, I think you need to give him some space. I know its super hard and hurtful you must miss him a lot. However, the more you call and try with him and he's not showing you the same attention its going to hurt even more. Keep yourself busy and let him come to you. Right now he's not contacting you so he's not ready to fight for your relationship. So give him some space and time and let him come to you when he's ready to explain. In the meantime keep yourself busy spend more time with family and other friends. The less you focus on your phone and his replies the easier it will be.

    Also no one can forget a meaningful relationship so he hasn't forgotten you he probably is going through some changes in his life and he wants to focus on himself. Sometimes people are selfish. Keep yourself busy busy busy.
    Thank you for your thoughts :). You're right, he's not fighting. I've tried doing that and not thinking about it and not texting nor calling until he does but what it happens is he does call, days and days after, and just acts as if everything is alright. No apologies, no explanations. It's bizarre to me not being in each other's day-to-day life.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    When someone is trying to create some space between the two of you, it's not a good idea to continue to repeatedly to close in on that space.

    I am sorry. I can hear how disappointed and confused you are. But your friend wants space and there is nothing you can do but respect that.

    To continue to push will only drive him further away.

    I get you feel you had some sort of commitment with him, but things often change and life goes in a different direction sometimes.

    He changed his course for what ever reason and to continuing to chase someone who's walking away will only hurt you more.

    Ultimately he will lose respect for you and will lose respect for yourself as well.

    Do you have a friend or family you can go to for support?
    Don't run to the very thing that hurts you for comfort.
    Thank you, reinventmyself :). Love your username, btw. I've asked him if he wants space and he said he doesn't, but his actions say otherwise. Why would he lie, and for what reason would he change his course? He was always so excited for us to live together in a few years and probably be together as bf and gf, I don't understand... You're right. I am already losing respect for me. I hate the person I am becoming. I don't want to think of myself as someone who chases people. I don't have anyone I can go to for support. I'm a loner and introvert and I don't get alone with my immediate family. I resent them for many reasons. I had another close friend (female) but she moved to another country and we are not as close as we used to be 10 or even 5 years ago. I'm sure I could talk to her about it but she would not understand. I get along with everyone in college and at work, I am just not the type to have a social group, just one or two really, really close friends. I've always been that way.

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