How do I get my best friend back?

Hello,

English is not my first language and I am crying as I am writing this, so apologies in advance for any grammar mistakes. I'll keep this short (otherwise I would be writing until tomorrow), but I can give more details if necessary: my best, best guy friend of 3 years (I am a woman) is so distant and I don't understand why. I can't tell you how much we loved each other and how great our relationship was for the last three years. We did everything together, talked several times a day, helped each other through so much (especially him, because I was going through some serious personal problems until recently)... I never had this connection with anyone. We talked about living together and getting married one day in a place we used to go, even though we were never in a relationship. He's the best person I've ever known. Nobody ever did this much for me, not even family, and nobody understands me and gets me like he does, and I know he felt the same about me. We made a rule (he was the one who came up with it) of getting together at least (bare minimum) once a week, regardless of anything, and we always did that. Everything started to change when he went to work in another city. I started taking public transportation for hours there and back just to be with him for 15 minutes while he was at work and I felt he was not appreciative of it but I never said anything. Then I started to realize he would never tell me when he had days off (when I knew he had a day off, I would ask for us to be together and he would tell me he already had plans). This went on for months. He said it was work and stress and having absolutely no time the reason for us not being together, not talking on the phone for days... He started not replying to my texts and every time I asked what was wrong and tell him I was hurt he would get mad and say he was hurt too because he needed me then more than ever and for me to understand he had no time. Two months ago, he quit his job, came back to the city, was on holidays for a month before starting the new job and we saw each other exactly once. He doesn't treat me the same anymore, continues not replying to texts, I call him and he has his phone off and when I ask him he says the battery died, but I don't remember that happening even once in the last three years. He always, always took my calls, always everything. I tell him I want to have a serious conversation and he keeps avoiding it and acts as if everything is alright. I don't understand. He never initiates anything but when we talk he is nice but acts distant. It is so not the same anymore, something changed and he doesn't care and I feel like he forgot everything about us and our wonderful friendship and abandoned me. He was the most important person in my life and he told me I was the most important person in his life too and acted like I was, it was not just words. I am crying now as I spent another whole day waiting for him to tell me something and he didn't, and then I called him before going to bed like we did every single day for three years before he went to work in another city and his phone was turned off again. I don't know what to do and I hate being this desperate person, but, at the same time, I feel like our friendship deserves fighting for and I shouldn't just not do anything. I feel invisible, forgotten, abandoned and so, so hurt. We used to love each other so much and I miss him so much and I tell him that and he doesn't even say it back. I don't understand and I don't know what the best course of action is. What should I do to get things back to normal, to have a serious conversation with him, to get my best friend back? Thank you so much in advance.

I get the feeling he has a girlfriend and that's why his time is now occupied elsewhere.

HI, I think you need to give him some space. I know its super hard and hurtful you must miss him a lot. However, the more you call and try with him and he's not showing you the same attention its going to hurt even more. Keep yourself busy and let him come to you. Right now he's not contacting you so he's not ready to fight for your relationship. So give him some space and time and let him come to you when he's ready to explain. In the meantime keep yourself busy spend more time with family and other friends. The less you focus on your phone and his replies the easier it will be.

Also no one can forget a meaningful relationship so he hasn't forgotten you he probably is going through some changes in his life and he wants to focus on himself. Sometimes people are selfish. Keep yourself busy busy busy.

When someone is trying to create some space between the two of you, it's not a good idea to continue to repeatedly to close in on that space.

I am sorry. I can hear how disappointed and confused you are. But your friend wants space and there is nothing you can do but respect that.

To continue to push will only drive him further away.

I get you feel you had some sort of commitment with him, but things often change and life goes in a different direction sometimes.

He changed his course for what ever reason and to continuing to chase someone who's walking away will only hurt you more.

Ultimately he will lose respect for you and will lose respect for yourself as well.

Do you have a friend or family you can go to for support?

Don't run to the very thing that hurts you for comfort.

When someone is trying to create some space between the two of you, it's not a good idea to continue to repeatedly to close in on that space.

 

I am sorry. I can hear how disappointed and confused you are. But your friend wants space and there is nothing you can do but respect that.

 

To continue to push will only drive him further away.

 

I get you feel you had some sort of commitment with him, but things often change and life goes in a different direction sometimes.

 

He changed his course for what ever reason and to continuing to chase someone who's walking away will only hurt you more.

 

Ultimately he will lose respect for you and will lose respect for yourself as well.

 

Do you have a friend or family you can go to for support?

Don't run to the very thing that hurts you for comfort.

I think this is a great post and worth repeating.

Thank you so much for your replies... It means a lot... It is my first time posting in a public forum even though I had already made an account and had thought about posting other times so I was hesitant but it feels good to be heard. I feel like this is going to be another sleepless night crying. I read my post again and I feel like it seems the relationship was one-sided but I swear it wasn't. He used to run for us to be together the second he could, take me out to dinner (I am still a student, even though I am in my late 20s so he always pays for everything for the time being. We used to joke that I would pay for a really great vacation for us one day, as compensation, even though he said he didn't want anything back, of course) he called me and texted me as much as I did or even more. Honest truth. That's why I'm so hurt. I can't believe we're in this situation. I can't believe this is happening and that I am losing my best friend and the person I thought I would end up with. We always assumed we would live together when I started working. We dreamt about getting married one day.

Capricorn3, it has crossed my mind... It would explain much. But I hope he doesn't. I would be so hurt and so disappointed, even though we have no commitment. And I would be even more hurt and more disappointed that he would have been lying to me... Why would he do that? I want to believe he would not do this to me.

I get the feeling he has a girlfriend and that's why his time is now occupied elsewhere.

It has crossed my mind... It would explain much. But I hope he doesn't. I would be so hurt and so disappointed, even though we have no commitment. And I would be even more hurt and more disappointed that he would have been lying to me... Why would he do that? I want to believe he would not do this to me.

HI, I think you need to give him some space. I know its super hard and hurtful you must miss him a lot. However, the more you call and try with him and he's not showing you the same attention its going to hurt even more. Keep yourself busy and let him come to you. Right now he's not contacting you so he's not ready to fight for your relationship. So give him some space and time and let him come to you when he's ready to explain. In the meantime keep yourself busy spend more time with family and other friends. The less you focus on your phone and his replies the easier it will be.

 

Also no one can forget a meaningful relationship so he hasn't forgotten you he probably is going through some changes in his life and he wants to focus on himself. Sometimes people are selfish. Keep yourself busy busy busy.

Thank you for your thoughts :). You're right, he's not fighting. I've tried doing that and not thinking about it and not texting nor calling until he does but what it happens is he does call, days and days after, and just acts as if everything is alright. No apologies, no explanations. It's bizarre to me not being in each other's day-to-day life.

When someone is trying to create some space between the two of you, it's not a good idea to continue to repeatedly to close in on that space.

 

I am sorry. I can hear how disappointed and confused you are. But your friend wants space and there is nothing you can do but respect that.

 

To continue to push will only drive him further away.

 

I get you feel you had some sort of commitment with him, but things often change and life goes in a different direction sometimes.

 

He changed his course for what ever reason and to continuing to chase someone who's walking away will only hurt you more.

 

Ultimately he will lose respect for you and will lose respect for yourself as well.

 

Do you have a friend or family you can go to for support?

Don't run to the very thing that hurts you for comfort.

Thank you, reinventmyself :). Love your username, btw. I've asked him if he wants space and he said he doesn't, but his actions say otherwise. Why would he lie, and for what reason would he change his course? He was always so excited for us to live together in a few years and probably be together as bf and gf, I don't understand... You're right. I am already losing respect for me. I hate the person I am becoming. I don't want to think of myself as someone who chases people. I don't have anyone I can go to for support. I'm a loner and introvert and I don't get alone with my immediate family. I resent them for many reasons. I had another close friend (female) but she moved to another country and we are not as close as we used to be 10 or even 5 years ago. I'm sure I could talk to her about it but she would not understand. I get along with everyone in college and at work, I am just not the type to have a social group, just one or two really, really close friends. I've always been that way.

I suggest you don't answer immediately let him know your just as busy as him. Its so bizarre how we can be in love for years and then another day strangers. It unfortunate but it happens. You do have a life without him - its a habit checking your phone and waiting for his calls so you have to break out of those habits purely for your sanity. Waiting on someone can consume your day to day life believe me I have been there and many others. I don't want you to stop thinking about him just think about other things, watch a film or a tv series, read a book, go out with friends or networking/social groups, do something fun go exploring.. He is clearly doing him now and everything is on his timings, when he's available to speak to you. Take that control back and let him do the chasing a little. Miss his calls twice and see how he behaves - text him your busy or out. He's got way to much control and he's too comfortable knowing you'll always be there to pick up and not give him a hard time. Please remember a lot of people aren't brave enough to tell the truth they will in a sense lie because they feel uncomfortable to be honest- that as nothing to do with you. You have mentioned theres no commitment so stop being committed to someone who's not committed to you.

Unfortunately, you'll have to step back a bit. You seem to like him as more than a friend. Agree he may be seeing someone/dating and that usually hurts when there are underlying feelings that are more than friendship. Are you dating anyone? Try to focus on that and stay busy with your other friends, giving him some space.

my best, best guy friend of 3 years I am a woman is so distant and I don't understand why.

Diverging paths in friendships are common in adulthood. As kids we are blank slates and can be glued at the hip by shared circumstances, but as we mature, we solidify into our own goals and needs. Pursuing those on our own doesn't diminish our feelings for a friend, it just changes our priorities.

As adults we learn how to allow people to cycle-out and cycle-in with us over time. Personalizing this isn't helpful, but rather moving our focus onto different aspects of our own lives and developing new priorities of our own serves us best.

Head high, and read my sig.

Thank you so much for all the advice! You all give great advice and write beautifully. I'm backing off. I've already told him how I feel, I've already tried to save the friendship, it's up to him now. I'm no longer going to answer his calls and not give him a hard time when he chooses to aknowledge me, I'll just be cold. It's up to him now. I'm going to start focusing on life without him and start moving on. It hurts me more to not have him as I once had and to have him treat me like this than to not have him at all. If he chooses to come back and have a serious conversation, I'll be here, but, for now, I am assuming the friendship is over. I'm not going to initiate ANYTHING anymore. Let him miss me and realize what he has done. Thank you guys again!

By the way, he sent me a song this morning which we used to listen together. I cried because I miss us so much but I didn't answer. He can't just ignore me, avoid having a conversation and then randomly be nice when he chooses to and as if everything is fine between us. He probably saw my missed call when he had his phone off last night. I would have appreciated a text apologizing way more than the song. AND he didn't call back, so zero effort. It pains me but I'm not having it, otherwise I'll lose even more respect for myself. I had a horrible breakup with an ex 5 years ago, which is really not the same thing, but I've learned my lesson about people's behaviour and what they are capable of doing. As someone mentioned, people are selfish. I am not putting him in the same category as my ex, who's a raging narcissist, a disgusting human being, a piece of trash. I still believe he is a really good person, he is just not behaving like one now and I am really hurt and disappointed in him and in everything, our relationship.

Your friendship had run its course with him. Instead of explaining anything to you, he's fading away from your life. Actions speak louder than words. Get his message, take a hint and move on without him. The more you hound him, the more you are perceived as insecure which scares people away. Back off. If he continues to ghost you and perhaps blocks you someday, there is your answer. Respect his wishes by going your own way in life without him. He's trying to move on so give him the courtesy and let him. He's signaling to you that you should do the same.

Some people don't explain. They just cut you off. This is human nature. It's a passive aggressive move, tactic or strategy but this is how a lot of people are. Grow accustomed to it because it is the way of the world. Most people are rude because this is society. They lack social graces. However, there are a few good people left on this Earth and those are the ones you need to surround yourself with.

Therapy may help you sort through whatever issues and scars are left from the abusive relationship. This guy is not your ex and he was not your bf. Reflect on where all the displaced anger is coming from. All this hating and hurting will make you miserable.

Therapy may help you sort through whatever issues and scars are left from the abusive relationship. This guy is not your ex and he was not your bf. Reflect on where all the displaced anger is coming from. All this hating and hurting will make you miserable.

I was in pro bono therapy for years, tried different therapists and it didn't do anything for me. I know I have a lot of anger and hate within me, because of my ed up upbringing. My family really, really let me down and I hate my parents. I don't have a relationship with my "father" since I was 12 years old (my option. He was abusive and a really bad person, with bad character who did horrible things), I still have one with my mother but I would say I tolerate her and hide my resentment towards her. Deep down I love her but I don't like her a lot, if that makes sense. Actually, I pity her. My ex was the biggest mistake of my life, and I don't understand why I chose to be with him or stayed in an abusive relationship. I am grateful I grew up a lot following that breakup and learned things otherwise I wouldn't have, but, at the same time, it opened the wound even more and strenghtened my anger and hate towards people and life and feelings of unfairness. I think 80% of the time, my anger and hate doesn't show. I try to be as good a person as I can and treat people well, but I know I have trauma and anger issues and have thought about trying therapy again one day if I can afford to do it, but I have lost my faith in it. Anyway, thank you for your opinion. I do think I have displaced anger and that all the hate and hurt I have inside make me miserable sometimes (not all the time. I know it doesn't sound like it, but I am actually happy at this point in my life, especially considering the last few years and how much better I am now and working towards my goals). I'm not angry at my (ex) best friend at all, just hurt, but I know a lot of it is my fault. He called me this morning and finally aknowledged my hurt feelings and finally said we could talk, and that he would come meet me tomorrow if I couldn't meet him, so I know he still loves me and is going through something and feels bad that he is hurting me. I don't believe our current relationship is going to change just with a talk, at least for now, but, as someone said, you don't forget truly meaningful relationships, so I hope in the future we can be as close as we once were. Sometimes I fantasize about moving to another country and starting a new life, with a new personality. I hate myself so much sometimes, and today is one of those days.