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Thread: How do I get my best friend back?

  1. #11
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    I suggest you don't answer immediately let him know your just as busy as him. Its so bizarre how we can be in love for years and then another day strangers. It unfortunate but it happens. You do have a life without him - its a habit checking your phone and waiting for his calls so you have to break out of those habits purely for your sanity. Waiting on someone can consume your day to day life believe me I have been there and many others. I don't want you to stop thinking about him just think about other things, watch a film or a tv series, read a book, go out with friends or networking/social groups, do something fun go exploring.. He is clearly doing him now and everything is on his timings, when he's available to speak to you. Take that control back and let him do the chasing a little. Miss his calls twice and see how he behaves - text him your busy or out. He's got way to much control and he's too comfortable knowing you'll always be there to pick up and not give him a hard time. Please remember a lot of people aren't brave enough to tell the truth they will in a sense lie because they feel uncomfortable to be honest- that as nothing to do with you. You have mentioned theres no commitment so stop being committed to someone who's not committed to you.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, you'll have to step back a bit. You seem to like him as more than a friend. Agree he may be seeing someone/dating and that usually hurts when there are underlying feelings that are more than friendship. Are you dating anyone? Try to focus on that and stay busy with your other friends, giving him some space.
    Originally Posted by aboutagirl2
    my best, best guy friend of 3 years I am a woman is so distant and I don't understand why.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Diverging paths in friendships are common in adulthood. As kids we are blank slates and can be glued at the hip by shared circumstances, but as we mature, we solidify into our own goals and needs. Pursuing those on our own doesn't diminish our feelings for a friend, it just changes our priorities.

    As adults we learn how to allow people to cycle-out and cycle-in with us over time. Personalizing this isn't helpful, but rather moving our focus onto different aspects of our own lives and developing new priorities of our own serves us best.

    Head high, and read my sig.

  4. #14
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    Thank you so much for all the advice! You all give great advice and write beautifully. I'm backing off. I've already told him how I feel, I've already tried to save the friendship, it's up to him now. I'm no longer going to answer his calls and not give him a hard time when he chooses to aknowledge me, I'll just be cold. It's up to him now. I'm going to start focusing on life without him and start moving on. It hurts me more to not have him as I once had and to have him treat me like this than to not have him at all. If he chooses to come back and have a serious conversation, I'll be here, but, for now, I am assuming the friendship is over. I'm not going to initiate ANYTHING anymore. Let him miss me and realize what he has done. Thank you guys again!

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  6. #15
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    By the way, he sent me a song this morning which we used to listen together. I cried because I miss us so much but I didn't answer. He can't just ignore me, avoid having a conversation and then randomly be nice when he chooses to and as if everything is fine between us. He probably saw my missed call when he had his phone off last night. I would have appreciated a text apologizing way more than the song. AND he didn't call back, so zero effort. It pains me but I'm not having it, otherwise I'll lose even more respect for myself. I had a horrible breakup with an ex 5 years ago, which is really not the same thing, but I've learned my lesson about people's behaviour and what they are capable of doing. As someone mentioned, people are selfish. I am not putting him in the same category as my ex, who's a raging narcissist, a disgusting human being, a piece of trash. I still believe he is a really good person, he is just not behaving like one now and I am really hurt and disappointed in him and in everything, our relationship.

  7. #16
    Bronze Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Your friendship had run its course with him. Instead of explaining anything to you, he's fading away from your life. Actions speak louder than words. Get his message, take a hint and move on without him. The more you hound him, the more you are perceived as insecure which scares people away. Back off. If he continues to ghost you and perhaps blocks you someday, there is your answer. Respect his wishes by going your own way in life without him. He's trying to move on so give him the courtesy and let him. He's signaling to you that you should do the same.

    Some people don't explain. They just cut you off. This is human nature. It's a passive aggressive move, tactic or strategy but this is how a lot of people are. Grow accustomed to it because it is the way of the world. Most people are rude because this is society. They lack social graces. However, there are a few good people left on this Earth and those are the ones you need to surround yourself with.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Therapy may help you sort through whatever issues and scars are left from the abusive relationship. This guy is not your ex and he was not your bf. Reflect on where all the displaced anger is coming from. All this hating and hurting will make you miserable.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Therapy may help you sort through whatever issues and scars are left from the abusive relationship. This guy is not your ex and he was not your bf. Reflect on where all the displaced anger is coming from. All this hating and hurting will make you miserable.
    I was in pro bono therapy for years, tried different therapists and it didn't do anything for me. I know I have a lot of anger and hate within me, because of my ed up upbringing. My family really, really let me down and I hate my parents. I don't have a relationship with my "father" since I was 12 years old (my option. He was abusive and a really bad person, with bad character who did horrible things), I still have one with my mother but I would say I tolerate her and hide my resentment towards her. Deep down I love her but I don't like her a lot, if that makes sense. Actually, I pity her. My ex was the biggest mistake of my life, and I don't understand why I chose to be with him or stayed in an abusive relationship. I am grateful I grew up a lot following that breakup and learned things otherwise I wouldn't have, but, at the same time, it opened the wound even more and strenghtened my anger and hate towards people and life and feelings of unfairness. I think 80% of the time, my anger and hate doesn't show. I try to be as good a person as I can and treat people well, but I know I have trauma and anger issues and have thought about trying therapy again one day if I can afford to do it, but I have lost my faith in it. Anyway, thank you for your opinion. I do think I have displaced anger and that all the hate and hurt I have inside make me miserable sometimes (not all the time. I know it doesn't sound like it, but I am actually happy at this point in my life, especially considering the last few years and how much better I am now and working towards my goals). I'm not angry at my (ex) best friend at all, just hurt, but I know a lot of it is my fault. He called me this morning and finally aknowledged my hurt feelings and finally said we could talk, and that he would come meet me tomorrow if I couldn't meet him, so I know he still loves me and is going through something and feels bad that he is hurting me. I don't believe our current relationship is going to change just with a talk, at least for now, but, as someone said, you don't forget truly meaningful relationships, so I hope in the future we can be as close as we once were. Sometimes I fantasize about moving to another country and starting a new life, with a new personality. I hate myself so much sometimes, and today is one of those days.

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