Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 15

Thread: Interesting dilemma

  1. #1
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Lincoln, Nebraska
    Posts
    561

    Interesting dilemma

    Hi, all-

    So, I am the only child of a single mother but Iím now 40 years old. Iím sure many of you know, but often times a single parent with one child will end up making that child their primary relationship which my mom definitely did while I was growing up. Flash forward to present day. I am a very independent woman with a great job, etc. My mom moved into my house a little over a year ago. We live in one of most expensive areas in the country and her work has been up and down and she basically just makes ends meet. She also belongs to the same community center/gym as I do and we take a couple of the same classes. In one of these classes, I have started to make friends with some of the women. One of them is directing a teacher talent show at her school and a group of us are going to support her. My mom asked if she can go too. Now, here is the thing. I donít want my mother to be a part of my social life. Iím sorry, but I donít. She is a part of many other aspects of my life but hell, I have to draw the line somewhere. Do I hurt her feelings and tell her that I want to go to this thing and no she canít come?

    Thanks!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    1,535
    Gender
    Female
    I wouldn't say she can't go. I understand where you're coming from. My worry would be the backlash and guilt you may feel leading up to the day and knowing/having it weigh heavily on you that you didn't let your mum partake in the talent show or festivities. It may seem like a threat right now to your social life but in the long run, she may be an ally and a good friend. I would give her a chance to make friends too. I wouldn't want my mum to be cooped up at home. It would hurt me deeply if I felt she was limited in some way because of me or her happiness was limited. You can always have a conversation with her later if other events or situations come up but I think right now it's best to remain open and welcoming.

    I would feel the same way as you but I wouldn't have the heart to do that to someone I love. I just couldn't. I'd feel terrible and wouldn't be able to enjoy the talent show.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    49,891
    Please don't do that to your mother. You can have a talk with her at a calm time where you tell her all the positive things she brings to your life and then also tell her - diplomatically -that you also want to have a separate social life all your own. Tell her that of course she will be welcome at many of the things you do but you hope she understands that sometimes you need to do things on your own, too.

    Also does she help you out around the house or with errands?

    Please understand she did the best she could.

  4. #4
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Lincoln, Nebraska
    Posts
    561
    Oh no, donít get me wrong. My mom is great! She is very helpful and we get along well. I just donít want to be the 40 year old that is bringing her mom to things. I am newly out of a relationship and trying to make new friends and I would ideally like to do that without my mom involved. I donít want to hurt her feelings which is why I posted this. I actually bought her a ticket to this thing but I wanted to share my feelings and see how others would feel.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    1,535
    Gender
    Female
    I don't see how you both can't make your own friends at the same event. There should naturally be other individuals she gravitates towards to and others that you prefer speaking with. I think I'm not fully understanding how small this gathering is or how small/large this group is. What is also stopping you from joining other groups outside of this one? Why feel so limited or allow the size of this group or anything having to do with this group affect your relationship with your mother?

    I don't feel like you would be judged either for bringing your mum to the event. Are you worried that the other women will look at you or think of you differently? Pardon - I'm really trying to understand better where you're coming from.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    49,891
    Originally Posted by Soulsister2010
    Oh no, donít get me wrong. My mom is great! She is very helpful and we get along well. I just donít want to be the 40 year old that is bringing her mom to things. I am newly out of a relationship and trying to make new friends and I would ideally like to do that without my mom involved. I donít want to hurt her feelings which is why I posted this. I actually bought her a ticket to this thing but I wanted to share my feelings and see how others would feel.
    I think most people will be far more concerned with themselves than with you or who you bring. Although my 10 year old has his first drop off party Saturday and I told him that after I drop him off I'm going to go workout "so please make sure you have everything and don't call me" and he said "I won't -no parents! it's embarrassing to have them there!!" How old is your mom? I'm 52 and my mom is 84. She's one cool lady.

  8. #7
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Lincoln, Nebraska
    Posts
    561
    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I think most people will be far more concerned with themselves than with you or who you bring. Although my 10 year old has his first drop off party Saturday and I told him that after I drop him off I'm going to go workout "so please make sure you have everything and don't call me" and he said "I won't -no parents! it's embarrassing to have them there!!" How old is your mom? I'm 52 and my mom is 84. She's one cool lady.
    Funny story! As a teacher, I can tell you that your sonís response is hilarious and normal :-) My mom is 64. She is very cool but I guess my point is that with her living with me, etc. I want to have my social life be my own.

  9. #8
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    Age
    52
    Posts
    36,491
    Gender
    Female
    I can totally understand the need for space. We had a mulit( 3 generation home) for 15 years . There is a definite need and requirement for space , including emotional space and the life of oneís own .

    At the same time this Saturday my best friend and I are driving three hours to spend lunch with my mom . She has never met my mom before . I want them to meet. But for the last nine years Iíve lived three hours away from my mom . So the need to spend time with her is very great . I can see both sides of the coin .

    My best friend is only 7 years younger than my mom. So they are the same generational context. My mom and I are not even a generation apart. ( we are 20 years apart)
    Originally Posted by Soulsister2010
    Funny story! As a teacher, I can tell you that your sonís response is hilarious and normal :-) My mom is 64. She is very cool but I guess my point is that with her living with me, etc. I want to have my social life be my own.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    49,891
    Originally Posted by Soulsister2010
    Funny story! As a teacher, I can tell you that your sonís response is hilarious and normal :-) My mom is 64. She is very cool but I guess my point is that with her living with me, etc. I want to have my social life be my own.
    I get it -just maybe this time have her come and I bet she didn't get to have much of a social life when you were small!

  11. #10
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    822
    Don't leave your mom out. If she wants to attend the talent show, let her.

    Your new friends are the ones who will determine if they want to include your mom in their lives. Keep in mind, the age gap. Not every young person is comfortable including a mom within their regular social circle. Give people the benefit of the doubt. They have boundaries with others including with age differences.

    Life is really short. You will outlive your mom someday. You will regret not including her while she was still here on this Earth. Remorse is something that will remain with you for a very long time. Someday you could very well be in her mom's shoes and you won't feel appreciated when you are rejected or excluded. Be kind.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •