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Thread: 30 and I'm back to hating my mum

  1. #1
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    30 and I'm back to hating my mum

    First time my mum went to india she was 19 and forced into an arrange marriage by my grandfathers sisters. She didnít even know it was her wedding day. My grandad was back in the UK and was completely against the marriage but his family had hidden my grandmotherís and mothers passports. So my grandfather said just do the wedding when you come back to the UK I will get it annulled, just get back to the UK safely. So after 2days my grandfather flew to India with all guns blazing only to realise that in the 2days of marriage my mother actually liked my father and wanted to stay married. So my grandad completely against the marriage brought them home to the UK but keeping a close eye on the marriage.

    6months went by and my mother fell pregnant madly in love, they went back to India for a holiday where she began seeing a different side of him, he started getting angry at her, hitting her and soon she realised he was withdrawing large amounts of money out of our family bank accounts and giving it to his mother. She came back to the UK to have me to his big disappointment I was a girl not a boy. After 2 months he left my mother and said he couldnít raise me as I was such a disappointment and he wanted to make it work without me. So my mum sent me on holiday with my grandparents to travel abroad for 1 year. Within that year he had brought the most expensive crappy house that was falling apart saying they were going to do it up. After my year of travels were over my mother was on her way to the airport to pick me up. My father didnít want to come. When she got home that day he had left and left a note that he couldnít be with my mother and didnít want me. Hes going back to India.
    Thatís the end of that story. As long as I can remember I always thought my grandmother was my mum Ė never felt any connection with my mum. When my mother did up the house my dad left she took me in to live with her. Thatís when it was pure hell. She would emotionally put me down everyday, swear at me, beat me up scare me everyday was a battle. Being 30 looking back at it she really needed professional help. I had no siblings or cousins so it was just me and her in this house pure torture. It got really bad at one point where she started leaving marks on my face and school noticed and my grandmother and aunty walked in the house at 10pm and just got me. I heard my grandfather saying your not dealing with this properly. Everyday my mum would say its all my fault my dad left, how Iím nothing just disgusting words you shouldnít say to a child. I remember I stayed at my grandmothers for 2 days and my mum called crying asking me to come back home Ė I did and she laid down with me on the sofa and cuddled me which was so unusual and she then grabbed my throat and said Ďif you ever tell anyone again I will kill youí. Growing up my mother was complete pure evil. I hated her, I would wish she die she made me so insecure, scared, fearful of everything. At the age of 13 we moved in with my grandmother and life got a little better my mother was a workaholic so I only saw her in the mornings and dinner time so I never got to deal with her much. At the age of 18 she attacked me infront of my whole family over something really minor. My whole family were so shocked and upset by all of it and comforted me and tried to tell her she cant behave like this. The thing about my mum is she has a switch wheres shes so calm and then pure evil (gemini Ė no offence fellow gemini)

    18years old she moved out for work 4 hours away, never saw her only on weekends. All my family moved abroad and I was left at uni in the UK all alone. I was never allowed out. My mum made out in her head I was a lady of the night, I was selling myself for money, I was taking drugs etc yet I didnít go out I had no friends. My mother had moved me to over 13 different schools just because if she didnít like something about it sheíd just pull me out.
    Now my mother is successful, independent corporate career woman. She has made it.

    After I graduated uni I moved abroad. Didnít speak to my mother we never ever had a relationship Ė if she picked up the phone Iíd say hi. Financially she cut me off when I was 16 years old which was £20 a month. So it didnít make a difference
    So flash forward to when I was 25 I went back to the UK to visit. My mother went off on a rant. How Iím in debt, how I spend loads of money, Iím going out every night not working etc. Which all of it is completely untrue. (you know we have that 1 family member whos really jealous of you and just tells lies Ė its one of my aunties shes jealous of me shes always been) So I listened to it completely drained. Went to bed and packed my stuff and spent the reminder of my holiday at my friends.
    When I turned 26 she came out for a holiday. She had also retired. So she must have been alone in my room for the whole day and gone through ALLLL of my belongings. So I came home from work and she said Ďall your perfume bottles are emptyí I said yes I keep them for decoration she said Ďall your clothes are like primark or boohooí I said yes I know Ė she went Ďyou only have 1 gucci and 1 LV bagí Ė yes I know. She then burst into tears and said Iím so sorry for thinking you were someone else and not believing you. I actually couldnít believe it LOL she was apologising to me?
    The next day was my ladies meetup group I run for networking so I took her along to it. Majority of the women are 40+ so my mum fit right in. So all of them were saying just such lovely things about me which kill me each time like Ď I wish she was my daughterí ĎShes so lovelyí Like these women are just so amazing to their children amazing women. To then I hear my mum go ĎThank you, Iím so proud of (me) I did my best as a single motherí
    At that moment I wanted to explode I actually couldnít believe it she thought I am the way I am because of her? I am so proud of my self because I could of turned out so messed up. No one I know knows anything about my upbringing and they all think I had such a solid foundation because I chose to not let it get to me. Trust me Iím failing at so many aspects of my life because of my inner demons but I hid it really well!! I think my mother in her head is a mother of someone but its just not me. Like I think she sometimes longs for her daughter but even though Iím infront of her she still is longing Ė if that makes sense.

    After the holiday I actually spoke to a medium and she said that Ďits ok you will never understand your mother but she will be an amazing grandmother to your children and thatís all that will matter to youí That gave me so much peace that I didnít hate her so much.
    In the meantime she had been telling everyone how she misses me and I donít call or text her. So I have any and everyone Ďcall your mum she misses youí making me out to be the bad guy.

    I did go to counselling before hand but that opened a huge can of worms that me just hate everything.
    At 28 I visited home and stayed my mother was a completely different person she was loving, she cooked for me, she wanted to go shopping with me etc. I couldnít believe it. I look back and think how stupid I was to trust her. She always used to give me things but never help me. Like when I was 18 I paid for all my driving lessons and she said sheíd help me buy my first car. She gave £100 and told me to buy something. Even though shes always had brand new cars out of the garage. I told her what would I do with £100 I donít have a dad, brother, uncle, grandad or any family or cousins to help me. When my aunty found out who lives abroad she just gave me £1500. But my whole family where like what would she get with £100? And my mum was like she needs to learn and figure it out. Like she loves me to squirm.
    So 28 I go through all these emotions of like Ďdo I forgive her? This is such a nice feeling of having a mother back I can tell her everything, I donít want to leave her.

    So she told me quit you job let me give you £300,000 and you do whatever you want. Go travel the world, go start a business. But you donít need to work because you are completely sorted for life all I've done is for you to be financially free and not go through the struggles I went through. I didnít accept it I went back home and every week she would tell me to take the money how I deserved it. How I should live my life (confession- I had told her how ty my life was and how depressed I was)

    29 comes and all my friends are telling me to take the money and trust my mother. Only 1 told me not too. So I told my mother ĎOk in January 2019 I will quit my job and Iím going to travel a little and then start a businessí we discussed all the details.
    10th January Im in the UK not discussed anything and she turns around to me and says ĎTheres no money I put it all in another propertyí
    I knew it Ė I just knew it was too good to be true. I hadnít quit my job. Anyway it was my 30th in feb so I had flown back to arrange it. Now Iím the person who has never ever celebrated their birthday, never celebrated anything Ė I spoke to someone this week and they said its because you feel like you donít deserve it. To be honest that is how I constantly feel. So I thought forget it Iím going to throw the best 30th birthday party for myself ever. The whole week she was like ĎIím not paying for it! Why do you need to celebrate your 30th? Your so stupid! Your not married, donít have a career what are you celebrating? Its so pointlessí I booked a flight back after a week and came home. I feel so angry at myself I let her get to me. I didnít celebrate my 30th I didnít do anything. Everyone was so disappointed in me but I was so heartbroken. I felt like my biggest achievement of turning 30 was my mum other than that I donít really have anything else. She of course made herself to be the victim and dint say or do anything to me. I am done with her though. So flash forward Iíve quit my job just because I couldnít take it anymore. Iíve got savings and my aunty said sheíll also help me with starting my own business up. But Iíve got to go back to the UK and my grandmother has just had an operation so I have to go home and visit of course. Funny its her birthday Should I celebrate it?

    Has anyone else got the same relationship with their mum? Iím scared I donít want this relationship with my daughter or children. I want a happy life with lots of love. What has gotten you through the constant heartbreak and grief? Mostly do you stop crying?
    Last edited by ironi; 05-14-2019 at 06:21 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    I don't know you, but I am so proud of you! You've been through hell. I have a really bad relationship with my mother and I can relate somewhat. Sad to say, your case is worse. BUT, I'm commenting to tell you, wholeheartedly, contrary to popular belief, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOVE YOUR MOTHER. Have that on repeat.

    As far as I understand, you have a good group of friends. This is your family. This is your tribe. You sound like an accomplished woman despite the fact that you been through hell. I'm proud.

    I have severed my relationship with my mom and get all the support from my real family, my friends. I achieved that though, not only through circumstances, but with therapy. I already had the friends, but being able to understand that I'm not obligated to love my mother was achieved through therapy. I strongly advise you to get some.

    You're amazing.

  3. #3
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    Really sorry you're going through all this, but it seems that you have a really strong side to you that will cope no matter what, and that will really see you through the process of dealing with a pile of complex, contradictory and agonising emotions.

    I had an absolutely terrible relationship with my mother, too. She had post-natal psychosis after I was born, and in those days mental health patients didn't get to take their babies into hospital with them; she will quite freely admit "The bonding just never happened".

    As a kid I was forever trying to please her, but she was absolutely vile - abusive, violent, spiteful... all the rest. She sent me to a boarding school, which meant that I didn't see much of the family anyway - but she's never helped out with anything. She's like that with all her daughters, though it's different with my brothers.

    Having had a fair bit of therapy myself and come out the other side... these days I rarely see her. She's racist and anti-semitic, and I wouldn't be prepared to have my (Jewish) partner listen to all that rubbish. But quite apart from that; she's never helped out, or been an emotional support in any kind of consistent way, so I don't expect it of her and make sure I get it from other people. You don't have to celebrate her birthday if you don't want to - unless it's a family celebration you'd like to join in with. (My mother wrote to me after her 60th Birthday; she told me about a lovely dinner she'd had with my brothers and sisters. I hadn't been invited!)

    You may not be able to do this without professional help, but you need to stop hoping your mother will validate you. It just isn't going to happen. She is carrying far too much baggage to be able to relate to you. You also need to remember that this is a statement of who SHE is, and not who you are. Sometimes we have to look at our parents purely as people and realise: "I CAN'T CONNECT WITH THAT!!!" and just stop trying. She's let you down again and again, so don't put yourself in a position where it will seriously affect you if she doesn't fulfil her promises.

    You say you didn't celebrate your 30th birthday. If you're in a position to do so, get yourself a therapist and work on releasing yourself from her toxic grasp. It will be the best birthday present you could possibly have! Problem is, if you don't deal with the pain of your childhood, then it will guarantee that your adulthood will be just as painful for you - and adulthood lasts a whole lot longer.

    Good luck with all this!

  4. #4
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    Hi Guys,

    Thank you for reading my long post! You both are so right I will look into getting therapy. The emotions have been so contradictory as my grandparents always make me feel guilty saying I'm so strong I should just let my mum be and stay quiet because of whats happened to her.

    I do need therapy because as I've gotten older it does effect me more and I place blame on things that go wrong in my life because of her and thats not right. Cope your right I don't have to love my mother. I feel so embrassed sometimes because Ive never met anyone who isn't close to their mother. I need to deal with my healing myself - after writing all of this I felt a release of being so honest with you guys. Thank you nutbrownhare you gave me hope and in a sense I guess I was hoping she would validate me.

    Really appreciate your support and kind words x

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  6. #5
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    Good luck ironi. Remember that there are loads of people - loads! - who WILL validate you while you learn to validate yourself. Nothing wrong with a bit of support! xxx

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    Being a mother is so overestimated in a patriarchal society. I've never been to India but from I'm getting, it's culture is very similar to the one I grew up in. It's like a sin not to love your mother. I've been guilted my whole life for not appreciating my mother. I feel you.

    That said, before therapy, one thing I did was to forgive her. My mom too has been through a lot. I forgave her and said " she didn't know better" . Therapy gave me the power to actually face her and tell her what I needed to say, not to change her, she'll never change, but to set boundaries for me. Ever since, things have been running smoothly mostly because I'm liberated. Keep us posted! You're on the right path!

  8. #7
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    I would not hate my mother for not giving me a quarter of a million dollars. I would think that was too fantastical to be true and would have just brushed the idea off as nonsense. Be proud that you are a self made woman and don't count on relying on gifts from people. Keep mom at arm's length - though keep in contact just enough so she doesn't know you are. Maybe its time to forgive mom - you don't have to tell her you did so you don't have her weighing so heavily on your heart. She was awful to you as a child - life treated her very awfully as well. Don't expect her to change


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