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Thread: Advice needed for potential relationship with marriage in mind.

  1. #1
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    Advice needed for potential relationship with marriage in mind.

    I am ready to settle down and through a good friend I was setup with another person from another country (china) and she's willing to come here to get married if we are compatible. Her family approves in terms of my background and they would like me to go to their country and they can host me there to meet me in person. I am a bit hesitant on going there, but I am not against her coming here… I am willing to pay hotel fees if she comes here. I think her side feels "unsafe" for her to come all the way to US by herself(her mom might come with)


    I do worry her adapting to culture here especially language and potentially future job. But we both have starting a family in mind so the career might not be a big deal early on. I am not worried about her character/family background since the mutual friend knows her family for 20+ years, and her family's well off too, so there's 0 chance of catfishing.

    I would not say this is "arranged marriage" but in between since it is through mutual friend and the starting point of relationship is marriage in mind so any considerations are around that.

    I am curious if anyone who had experience can give some advice.

  2. #2
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    I have no experience at all with marrying a stranger but can speak to getting married, starting a family right away (meaning becoming parents within three months of the marriage) then relocating 6 months later and being unemployed for the first time in around 20 years or so. So, with respect to career/jobs - there are no guarantees she will get pregnant right away so she likely will need or want some sort of job lined up. Having a job will help her acclimate. I have a friend who moved here from a foreign country with her husband (for his job) with three small children and what she found helpful were english language classes -including to meet people (I am not 100% sure about that but she seems to really enjoy them and it sounds social too). Are you Chinese? That would help of course.

    If you do start a family right away it will be important for her to have her "village" -you likely will be at work a lot and so you should help and support her in meeting people -does not need to be other moms although that would be good too . She needs to feel secure since she will have no family here (as I did not when I moved with an infant) that there are people she can call or visit for companionship, to get out of the house, and for help as needed. If she goes to a church or a religious place of worship that would help.

    Good luck!

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    I have seen an arrangement like this work with one person. But the woman (not from china) spoke English and there were some common interests and when they visited back and forth enough to decide they would marry, she had high skills to get a job in the US (is an interpreter in 3 different languages and can interpret for medical field and legal terms in two of them and could apply to be here independently of him). And ethnically, he was part her nationality I think that if you marry a wife you don't have a lot in common with/there is a culture shock, you could be in for a lonely marriage particularly if she doesn't speak english

    Also, is there an age gap?

    I think that before you go through with something like this - enlist a matchmaker, get on dating sites and note that long term/marriage/kids is your dating goal.

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    You want to marry this woman, but are not even willing to go to her home country? But, it is okay for her to make the trip. What a gentleman you are.

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  6. #5
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    btw, there was a documentary about this very thing. The wife didn't speak any English. The filmmaker spoke both languages and was able to speak to the wife. She was awfully frustrated
    . Maybe it would be worth a watch. I will look for it again.

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    Originally Posted by lioil

    I would not say this is "arranged marriage" but in between since it is through mutual friend and the starting point of relationship is marriage in mind so any considerations are around that.
    Do you mean the starting point of this relationship? Or all relationships. Former sounds true, latter certainly is not.

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    To your original post OP, I don't see anything wrong with arranging to meet and visit this woman. But you said she's willing to move and marry you "if you're compatible." Can I ask how you hope/plan to find out whether or not you're compatible? Even if two individuals would both like to settle down and start a family, that doesn't mean it should be with each other.

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    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    I live in a scandinavian country where men literally "buy" wives from Thailand. Many of them barely know the language, are much younger than them and are there just to run away from the misery in their country. From what I observe though some of them seem content, others live depressed and frustrated with a man they have nothing in common with and without any friends or connections in that country because they don't speak the language, don't work and have no social networking at all.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    You want to marry this woman, but are not even willing to go to her home country? But, it is okay for her to make the trip. What a gentleman you are.
    Its more of a work thing for me to get days off at the right time. It takes me a few months to plan but if they want to see right away then i can't make it.



    Originally Posted by RyanFox1219
    To your original post OP, I don't see anything wrong with arranging to meet and visit this woman. But you said she's willing to move and marry you "if you're compatible." Can I ask how you hope/plan to find out whether or not you're compatible? Even if two individuals would both like to settle down and start a family, that doesn't mean it should be with each other.

    I think part of it is communication through calls/chat and see if there's any chemistry when we do meet for a couple of weeks (me there or she here). The plan is for us to visit eachother at least once.

    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I have seen an arrangement like this work with one person. But the woman (not from china) spoke English and there were some common interests and when they visited back and forth enough to decide they would marry, she had high skills to get a job in the US (is an interpreter in 3 different languages and can interpret for medical field and legal terms in two of them and could apply to be here independently of him). And ethnically, he was part her nationality I think that if you marry a wife you don't have a lot in common with/there is a culture shock, you could be in for a lonely marriage particularly if she doesn't speak english

    Also, is there an age gap?

    I think that before you go through with something like this - enlist a matchmaker, get on dating sites and note that long term/marriage/kids is your dating goal.
    Yeah she knows some english and says she can pick it up quickly. Her normal job doesnt lead to her speaking english so i expect her to study up before coming here or while here if she wants to have a normal job. The age gap is she's 4 years younger than me, which lends to another thing of wanting to settle down. She's turning 35 end of the year so it is a bit harder to start a family and that's is real pressure in china considering if you are >30 and female and single people think you are "weird". At least in chinese culture having a family is a big thing and a "must have" for many families.

    Funny thing is this mutual friend is a matchmaker lol, i did try dating sites here but mostly misses and the asian pool (i am asian too) is very limited.

    Another thing is there's another girl who is planning to come to US for vacation in July. We had a bit of connection before and we met also through the matchmaker a while back. Originally she planned to come here but due to my work she couldn't and we kinda had falling out. But recently i joked if she comes to US in july (chinese holiday) i could be her tourguide and she is planning to right now. Should I explore that as well? It wouldn't be "cheating" or anything either. Should i ask the girl who is coming for vacation if she wants to see where it goes or at least confirm if she thinks we have a chance?

  11. #10
    Bronze Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I disagree with this arrangement because this Chinese woman is a complete stranger to you.

    Worrying about her adapting to a foreign culture is a major, valid concern and not knowing how to speak a lick of English is a huge disadvantage in the US. Starting a family and not thinking a career is a big deal early on is a huge problem. How will you two financially support a family if a career early on is not a big deal? I don't see the logic here.

    Think about personality and character clashes with someone you do not know.

    It seems like an "arranged marriage" in a way.

    If you really want to proceed with this, establish friendship first and don't even think about a future together. First things first. Get to know her and if it works out, great and if not, you'll know if she is not for you.

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