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Thread: Advice needed for potential relationship with marriage in mind.

  1. #51
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    This creeps me out. Women are people, not cattle you ship over when you are ready for someone to breed with.
    I'm glad they are making it tougher for opportunists.
    It's not that you love her , you haven't even met her. You are literally just trying to import a young woman to have your kids.

    Why would you even think finding a match should happen at your convience? Sometimes it takes a long time. That's why people take the time to date, even when they are busy. And there are no guarantees.

    Your mindset is so freaking cold.

  2. #52
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    This creeps me out. Women are people, not cattle you ship over when you are ready for someone to breed with.
    I'm glad they are making it tougher for opportunists.
    It's not that you love her , you haven't even met her. You are literally just trying to import a young woman to have your kids.

    Why would you even think finding a match should happen at your convience? Sometimes it takes a long time. That's why people take the time to date, even when they are busy. And there are no guarantees.

    Your mindset is so freaking cold.
    Glad to see I'm not the only one. My sentiments exactly.

  3. #53
    Platinum Member Snny's Avatar
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    cant she stay here till it gets approved? Will she get deported if she comes here and marry and not work out? Or perhaps the student visa is a route? Come here to attend school, get married and then process while she in school? idk...
    Ok the first one is asking to illegally keep an undocumented alien in our country. No bueno, man.

    The second one... marriage DOES NOT guarantee automatic citizenship anymore because of the loophole of sham marriages. It used to be easier back in post-WWII days when soldiers were bringing home war brides... that’s over 50 years ago and times have changed when we are fighting to protect our borders from terrorists, human trafficking, gang related crime, and epidemic diseases (measles is now making headway here).

    The school route is another lengthy process. Not only does she have to apply AND get accepted for a visa but also for school. And like one of the posters mentioned, she may not get approved.

    I was practically drilled by HS when interviewed. My husband and I were together for 15 years before he got his citizenship and he came here legally, which is what really helped our case. It took him almost 10 years to get a sponsor for him to get a green card.

    Seriously, even though your friend means well... if you are on a “biological clock” then marrying a foreigner is not worth the time to wait.

  4. #54
    Platinum Member Snny's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    What i meat by moving to NY is not for the intent of marrying this woman, but increasing the chances he meet a chinese woman to date and eventually marry. Or somewhere else in the country with a higher Chinese population. Really, though, i think if he has never met anyone - he can stay put and increase his search radius on OLD. He can also try to go to Meetup groups.
    I was actually replying to Tattoobunnie’s post. You’re good.

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  6. #55
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If this is how things are done in your culture, go with the flow and get two things done at once. Meet her and meet the family. Why are you afraid to go there if you speak the language and have to do the family approval thing anyway? ?
    Originally Posted by lioil
    Her family approves in terms of my background and they would like me to go to their country and they can host me there to meet me in person. I am a bit hesitant on going there. I think her side feels "unsafe" for her to come all the way to US.

  7. #56
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    This creeps me out. Women are people, not cattle you ship over when you are ready for someone to breed with.
    I'm glad they are making it tougher for opportunists.
    It's not that you love her , you haven't even met her. You are literally just trying to import a young woman to have your kids.

    Why would you even think finding a match should happen at your convience? Sometimes it takes a long time. That's why people take the time to date, even when they are busy. And there are no guarantees.

    Your mindset is so freaking cold.
    I never said yeah i am going to seal the deal, just trying to explore this situation. People settle all the time when things come. Maybe the culture difference also applies. In china, unfortunately women >30 are considered "leftover" by men - it is pretty bad but the women knows it and the parents too, thats why they pressure into lowering standards to marry. there's even a word for it - "Female saint" which if you think positive it means the woman is so above you she's untouchable or "leftover woman". I think the other chinese guy in the thread can vouch for it.

    Especially in top cities in china, the more successful the women are the higher standards they have, not including the "standard" car+house baseline before marriage occurs. I know in US having a car and a house is never a "prerequisite" for getting married, but in china (partially due to view on material things and part on being in a crowded city) that is more or less the baseline for getting married. It is less of "we got nothing but love eachother" but more of "we find attraction and we have the money/car/house to get married".

    If i really wanted to ship over i wouldnt even be talking about it here asking advice. I would just fly her over and be done. I still feel ideally i meet someone here and develop into something but i have to explore other avenues like introductions from trustworthy friends. Plus right now she is insisting i go over there first and i dont see that happening due to work so we'll have to see. But I do feel if everything goes well it will include at least one trip made by eachother to the other country and phone calls in between?

  8. #57
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I get this sense you are desperately trying to meet certain expectations you grew up around. Your parents and family group are pressuring you to give them grand kids now. You were taught getting married and having kids by x time is a must have. That women who haven't done these things by x time are of less value, actual leftovers in society.
    However you have an independent brain and are your own person. You can question this story set out for you if you so choose.

    Taking time to address this desperation to pop out kids will get you a lot further than focusing in on how best to find a walking womb your parents approve of.

  9. #58
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    I get this sense you are desperately trying to meet certain expectations you grew up around. Your parents and family group are pressuring you to give them grand kids now. You were taught getting married and having kids by x time is a must have. That women who haven't done these things by x time are of less value, actual leftovers in society.
    However you have an independent brain and are your own person. You can question this story set out for you if you so choose.

    Taking time to address this desperation to pop out kids will get you a lot further than focusing in on how best to find a walking womb your parents approve of.
    Individually i am ignoring their pressure - they have set me up with a few in US and i just didn't feel a connection, otherwise i wouldve been married years ago. I do, however, want to have my own kids and the situation as it presents now with my age and future partner's age doesn't look good. If i had followed the "x time" it wouldve been like 7 years ago but didn't do it. I feel annoyed more than pressure from my parents since every call from them is about girlfriend etc.. I think for me now if i can settle down first and not have kids immediately it will be ok. But not settling down is something that is bothering me too.

    For what its worth, i did chat with this girl couple times already and i might pass just because she seems to have no plan on what to do in US (vs another who thought about studying then get job while have family) and is asking me to go to china in near future. She did say that her future in US is unclear since we are not at that point yet, which is true but i feel you should still have some sort of plan though for a potential big move.

  10. #59
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    One trip and a few phone calls won't do it.

    I don't know how else to get you to understand how serious immigration has become on matters like this.
    But nevermind..go do it your way but when it fails, you'll see what I mean.

    It will be a lot of effort for nothing and she will have to go back to China.

  11. #60
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    additioal questions:

    Do you make enough to also support her and a kid if she was unable to legally work (legally here as a fiancee or wife but not able to work), do you know enough people who speak Chinese so she does not feel isolated/ doesn't feel you are the only one she can communicate with and does she know English well enough to get by during the day without you as a homemaker (ask directions, ask a question at the grocery store?).

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