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Advice needed for potential relationship with marriage in mind.


lioil

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I am ready to settle down and through a good friend I was setup with another person from another country (china) and she's willing to come here to get married if we are compatible. Her family approves in terms of my background and they would like me to go to their country and they can host me there to meet me in person. I am a bit hesitant on going there, but I am not against her coming here… I am willing to pay hotel fees if she comes here. I think her side feels "unsafe" for her to come all the way to US by herself(her mom might come with)

 

 

I do worry her adapting to culture here especially language and potentially future job. But we both have starting a family in mind so the career might not be a big deal early on. I am not worried about her character/family background since the mutual friend knows her family for 20+ years, and her family's well off too, so there's 0 chance of catfishing.

 

I would not say this is "arranged marriage" but in between since it is through mutual friend and the starting point of relationship is marriage in mind so any considerations are around that.

 

I am curious if anyone who had experience can give some advice.

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I have no experience at all with marrying a stranger but can speak to getting married, starting a family right away (meaning becoming parents within three months of the marriage) then relocating 6 months later and being unemployed for the first time in around 20 years or so. So, with respect to career/jobs - there are no guarantees she will get pregnant right away so she likely will need or want some sort of job lined up. Having a job will help her acclimate. I have a friend who moved here from a foreign country with her husband (for his job) with three small children and what she found helpful were english language classes -including to meet people (I am not 100% sure about that but she seems to really enjoy them and it sounds social too). Are you Chinese? That would help of course.

 

If you do start a family right away it will be important for her to have her "village" -you likely will be at work a lot and so you should help and support her in meeting people -does not need to be other moms although that would be good too . She needs to feel secure since she will have no family here (as I did not when I moved with an infant) that there are people she can call or visit for companionship, to get out of the house, and for help as needed. If she goes to a church or a religious place of worship that would help.

 

Good luck!

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I have seen an arrangement like this work with one person. But the woman (not from china) spoke English and there were some common interests and when they visited back and forth enough to decide they would marry, she had high skills to get a job in the US (is an interpreter in 3 different languages and can interpret for medical field and legal terms in two of them and could apply to be here independently of him). And ethnically, he was part her nationality I think that if you marry a wife you don't have a lot in common with/there is a culture shock, you could be in for a lonely marriage particularly if she doesn't speak english

 

Also, is there an age gap?

 

I think that before you go through with something like this - enlist a matchmaker, get on dating sites and note that long term/marriage/kids is your dating goal.

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I would not say this is "arranged marriage" but in between since it is through mutual friend and the starting point of relationship is marriage in mind so any considerations are around that.

 

 

Do you mean the starting point of this relationship? Or all relationships. Former sounds true, latter certainly is not.

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To your original post OP, I don't see anything wrong with arranging to meet and visit this woman. But you said she's willing to move and marry you "if you're compatible." Can I ask how you hope/plan to find out whether or not you're compatible? Even if two individuals would both like to settle down and start a family, that doesn't mean it should be with each other.

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I live in a scandinavian country where men literally "buy" wives from Thailand. Many of them barely know the language, are much younger than them and are there just to run away from the misery in their country. From what I observe though some of them seem content, others live depressed and frustrated with a man they have nothing in common with and without any friends or connections in that country because they don't speak the language, don't work and have no social networking at all.

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You want to marry this woman, but are not even willing to go to her home country? But, it is okay for her to make the trip. What a gentleman you are.

Its more of a work thing for me to get days off at the right time. It takes me a few months to plan but if they want to see right away then i can't make it.

 

 

 

To your original post OP, I don't see anything wrong with arranging to meet and visit this woman. But you said she's willing to move and marry you "if you're compatible." Can I ask how you hope/plan to find out whether or not you're compatible? Even if two individuals would both like to settle down and start a family, that doesn't mean it should be with each other.

 

 

I think part of it is communication through calls/chat and see if there's any chemistry when we do meet for a couple of weeks (me there or she here). The plan is for us to visit eachother at least once.

 

I have seen an arrangement like this work with one person. But the woman (not from china) spoke English and there were some common interests and when they visited back and forth enough to decide they would marry, she had high skills to get a job in the US (is an interpreter in 3 different languages and can interpret for medical field and legal terms in two of them and could apply to be here independently of him). And ethnically, he was part her nationality I think that if you marry a wife you don't have a lot in common with/there is a culture shock, you could be in for a lonely marriage particularly if she doesn't speak english

 

Also, is there an age gap?

 

I think that before you go through with something like this - enlist a matchmaker, get on dating sites and note that long term/marriage/kids is your dating goal.

 

Yeah she knows some english and says she can pick it up quickly. Her normal job doesnt lead to her speaking english so i expect her to study up before coming here or while here if she wants to have a normal job. The age gap is she's 4 years younger than me, which lends to another thing of wanting to settle down. She's turning 35 end of the year so it is a bit harder to start a family and that's is real pressure in china considering if you are >30 and female and single people think you are "weird". At least in chinese culture having a family is a big thing and a "must have" for many families.

 

Funny thing is this mutual friend is a matchmaker lol, i did try dating sites here but mostly misses and the asian pool (i am asian too) is very limited.

 

Another thing is there's another girl who is planning to come to US for vacation in July. We had a bit of connection before and we met also through the matchmaker a while back. Originally she planned to come here but due to my work she couldn't and we kinda had falling out. But recently i joked if she comes to US in july (chinese holiday) i could be her tourguide and she is planning to right now. Should I explore that as well? It wouldn't be "cheating" or anything either. Should i ask the girl who is coming for vacation if she wants to see where it goes or at least confirm if she thinks we have a chance?

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I disagree with this arrangement because this Chinese woman is a complete stranger to you.

 

Worrying about her adapting to a foreign culture is a major, valid concern and not knowing how to speak a lick of English is a huge disadvantage in the US. Starting a family and not thinking a career is a big deal early on is a huge problem. How will you two financially support a family if a career early on is not a big deal? I don't see the logic here.

 

Think about personality and character clashes with someone you do not know.

 

It seems like an "arranged marriage" in a way.

 

If you really want to proceed with this, establish friendship first and don't even think about a future together. First things first. Get to know her and if it works out, great and if not, you'll know if she is not for you.

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You want to marry this woman, but are not even willing to go to her home country? But, it is okay for her to make the trip. What a gentleman you are.

 

Excuse me, please use constructive criticism.

 

OP, you don't seem to be against going completely. This would be a good opportunity to meet her relatives and get to know more sides of her. Do you speak her language?

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Its more of a work thing for me to get days off at the right time. It takes me a few months to plan but if they want to see right away then i can't make it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think part of it is communication through calls/chat and see if there's any chemistry when we do meet for a couple of weeks (me there or she here). The plan is for us to visit eachother at least once.

 

 

 

Yeah she knows some english and says she can pick it up quickly. Her normal job doesnt lead to her speaking english so i expect her to study up before coming here or while here if she wants to have a normal job. The age gap is she's 4 years younger than me, which lends to another thing of wanting to settle down. She's turning 35 end of the year so it is a bit harder to start a family and that's is real pressure in china considering if you are >30 and female and single people think you are "weird". At least in chinese culture having a family is a big thing and a "must have" for many families.

 

Funny thing is this mutual friend is a matchmaker lol, i did try dating sites here but mostly misses and the asian pool (i am asian too) is very limited.

 

Another thing is there's another girl who is planning to come to US for vacation in July. We had a bit of connection before and we met also through the matchmaker a while back. Originally she planned to come here but due to my work she couldn't and we kinda had falling out. But recently i joked if she comes to US in july (chinese holiday) i could be her tourguide and she is planning to right now. Should I explore that as well? It wouldn't be "cheating" or anything either. Should i ask the girl who is coming for vacation if she wants to see where it goes or at least confirm if she thinks we have a chance?

 

Studying is one thing, pronunciation and the use of articles is another. I strongly suggest that she connect with an expat in China who she can practice with- she can help with Chinese, they can help with English

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Excuse me, please use constructive criticism.

 

OP, you don't seem to be against going completely. This would be a good opportunity to meet her relatives and get to know more sides of her. Do you speak her language?

 

I can contribute whatever I wish.

 

He later explained it was due to work conditions.

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Its more of a work thing for me to get days off at the right time. It takes me a few months to plan but if they want to see right away then i can't make it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think part of it is communication through calls/chat and see if there's any chemistry when we do meet for a couple of weeks (me there or she here). The plan is for us to visit eachother at least once.

 

 

 

Yeah she knows some english and says she can pick it up quickly. Her normal job doesnt lead to her speaking english so i expect her to study up before coming here or while here if she wants to have a normal job. The age gap is she's 4 years younger than me, which lends to another thing of wanting to settle down. She's turning 35 end of the year so it is a bit harder to start a family and that's is real pressure in china considering if you are >30 and female and single people think you are "weird". At least in chinese culture having a family is a big thing and a "must have" for many families.

 

Funny thing is this mutual friend is a matchmaker lol, i did try dating sites here but mostly misses and the asian pool (i am asian too) is very limited.

 

Another thing is there's another girl who is planning to come to US for vacation in July. We had a bit of connection before and we met also through the matchmaker a while back. Originally she planned to come here but due to my work she couldn't and we kinda had falling out. But recently i joked if she comes to US in july (chinese holiday) i could be her tourguide and she is planning to right now. Should I explore that as well? It wouldn't be "cheating" or anything either. Should i ask the girl who is coming for vacation if she wants to see where it goes or at least confirm if she thinks we have a chance?

Thank you for the correction

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I think part of it is communication through calls/chat and see if there's any chemistry when we do meet for a couple of weeks (me there or she here). The plan is for us to visit eachother at least once.

 

I will simply say... calling/texting and spending a few weeks visiting and doing fun stuff (I assume) = not the same as the pressures, stresses, and decisions of everyday life.

 

The chemistry is just the start; the signal that you may share a connection. Only through lots of time, trial, and course correction can you determine if you really are a long-term match, and certainly something you should definitively determine before you scramble your DNA together.

 

As I said, definitely meet her. No harm in that. But I'd caution against assuming any long-term future with her without any time to even live close to each other.

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I disagree with this arrangement because this Chinese woman is a complete stranger to you.

 

Worrying about her adapting to a foreign culture is a major, valid concern and not knowing how to speak a lick of English is a huge disadvantage in the US. Starting a family and not thinking a career is a big deal early on is a huge problem. How will you two financially support a family if a career early on is not a big deal? I don't see the logic here.

 

Think about personality and character clashes with someone you do not know.

 

It seems like an "arranged marriage" in a way.

 

If you really want to proceed with this, establish friendship first and don't even think about a future together. First things first. Get to know her and if it works out, great and if not, you'll know if she is not for you.

 

Yeah i think at my age (37) i want to start a family first so being adaptable to new culture is not a major concern. It was few years ago and frankly i didn't want anyone international without great english skills. I do think about financially support but i think with what i am making now it is above median household income so it *should* be ok. In long term if she finds any work that be bonus. Plus my parents are begging for me to start a family so they are there to support if needed lol.

 

I understand it is like "arranged marriage" but not exactly. There are no promises but i think there's definitely pressure for every meeting..maybe decisions will be made quicker with the end goal in mind?

 

 

 

I am curious as to why you are seeking an international bride? There is a very large pool of eligible Chinese women in the U.S.

 

well where i live/work there arent many asian women and nearby not very good either. I am not specifically seeking but my friend just happened to introduce her since she went back to china for vaca and her friend of 20 years asked her to help find someone for her daughter.

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I don't know, am I the only one who finds all of this a little disturbing?

 

and they would like me to go to their country and they can host me there to meet me in person. I am a bit hesitant on going there, but I am not against her coming here

I would say seeing as it is YOU who is ready to settle down and looking for a wife, YOU should be the one who goes to her country to meet her family. I think it's the very least you can do.

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I don't know, am I the only one who finds all of this a little disturbing?

 

 

I would say seeing as it is YOU who is ready to settle down and looking for a wife, YOU should be the one who goes to her country to meet her family. I think it's the very least you can do.

 

I commented on it, then was told to was not offering constructive advice.

 

He has work issues. But, I do believe he should wait until he can get time off so that he can meet with her family.

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Okay -- what if this 35 year old woman cannot marry you for awhile because it may take her awhile to be approved to move here? Would you be willing to move to another country to be with her? Also, what if she doesn't conceive? What if by the time she gets to come here she is 38, by the time you try to start a family, she is 39, she has one child only or miscarries? Would you be happy with a foreign born wife that doesn't speak English and no children to hold you together if she doesn't conceive or miscarries?

 

to me, you need to marry someone who you want to be married to regardless of if they actually conceive.

 

Also, is this matchmaker a professional matchmaker or just has a knack for setting people up? And are there things in common besides same age and wanting a family?

 

If she already was in process of coming to the US for an advanced degree, a job, had visited a lot, had family here, it would be a better situation.

 

I don't know, am I the only one who finds all of this a little disturbing?

 

 

I would say seeing as it is YOU who is ready to settle down and looking for a wife, YOU should be the one who goes to her country to meet her family. I think it's the very least you can do.

 

Agree if this is of utmost importance to him he makes time.

Even if you have to wait a few months to take a trip = especially if her parents are more traditional, etc.

If she comes over with her mother vs a friend or sister, to me that seems like you are making more of a solid promise. But i do think you should spend time with her and not just the family.

 

BUT i do think that he should look to meet women in the United States too -- maybe if you cannot find someone in your direct area, a woman who lives an hour away or two states away will be a better prospect because she will already be in the United States. you should lead with the fact in your dating profile that you are looking for marriage/kids.

 

I would not go backwards and reconnect with the other woman as a travel guide- - it didn't work out the first time. But that's just me.

 

I don't remember reading if you speak Chinese. If you were born in China, I would look a little more favorably on this connection because you would have more in common

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There is nothing wrong with looking for a wife. Not at all. But you do it by dating to find her. you can be more traditional in how you date, for sure, but i just think the fact that she barely speaks English may prevent you from really knowing her personality and she yours. I mean, it might work, but have you really exhausted the idea of finding someone local?

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Marriage takes a ton of work even between people who know each other thoroughly and love each other. Can't you try match.com and widen your area to include places a few hours away?

 

This is extremely mechanical and communication is so important. Guess it depends on what you want but being stuck with someone that you don't like, are compatible with or have a connection with will result in a miserable marriage. Just wanting this woman because she wants to settle down is a very sad reason, I would think you're wanting something more than someone that financially relies on you and seems to be keeping because you live in the States and can provide her with support. '__'... I mean does she even have a decent job?

 

Marriage is NOT a bloody game. Getting married then divorced is no fun and very financially crippling afterall.

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There is nothing wrong with looking for a wife. Not at all. But you do it by dating to find her. you can be more traditional in how you date, for sure, but i just think the fact that she barely speaks English may prevent you from really knowing her personality and she yours. I mean, it might work, but have you really exhausted the idea of finding someone local?

 

I speak chinese too so we can communicate fine. But yes for her to adapt to here in US she will need to improve on English for sure. But in terms of us communicating and culture differences there's none. Plus she been to US a number of times already so it wont be a total cultural shock.

 

 

Okay -- what if this 35 year old woman cannot marry you for awhile because it may take her awhile to be approved to move here? Would you be willing to move to another country to be with her? Also, what if she doesn't conceive? What if by the time she gets to come here she is 38, by the time you try to start a family, she is 39, she has one child only or miscarries? Would you be happy with a foreign born wife that doesn't speak English and no children to hold you together if she doesn't conceive or miscarries?

 

to me, you need to marry someone who you want to be married to regardless of if they actually conceive.

 

Also, is this matchmaker a professional matchmaker or just has a knack for setting people up? And are there things in common besides same age and wanting a family?

 

If she already was in process of coming to the US for an advanced degree, a job, had visited a lot, had family here, it would be a better situation.

 

 

 

Agree if this is of utmost importance to him he makes time.

Even if you have to wait a few months to take a trip = especially if her parents are more traditional, etc.

If she comes over with her mother vs a friend or sister, to me that seems like you are making more of a solid promise. But i do think you should spend time with her and not just the family.

 

BUT i do think that he should look to meet women in the United States too -- maybe if you cannot find someone in your direct area, a woman who lives an hour away or two states away will be a better prospect because she will already be in the United States. you should lead with the fact in your dating profile that you are looking for marriage/kids.

 

The matchmaker/mutual friend is not "professional". She is a retired teacher and have been helping people for free for many years. She made numerous matches, some with people within US and some across different countries. She does it as a hobby but does it very seriously. All the people she recommend are people she know through close friends, so at least the family background and character of the match should not be an issue. Plus since she is very close to the girl's parents i doubt her parents would let her (or she) marry then run.

 

Yeah i didn't think too much on the K-1 visa thing. but the thing is if i dont start now then when? unless i find someone here i am basically pushing away any chances out further and what would seem to be several months be year +. Also, i would be getting older all the while so the choices in US will be slimmer too. I guess what i am saying is while i am ideally looking for someone here , i can't just ignore the other chances...

 

 

 

Marriage takes a ton of work even between people who know each other thoroughly and love each other. Can't you try match.com and widen your area to include places a few hours away?

 

This is extremely mechanical and communication is so important. Guess it depends on what you want but being stuck with someone that you don't like, are compatible with or have a connection with will result in a miserable marriage. Just wanting this woman because she wants to settle down is a very sad reason, I would think you're wanting something more than someone that financially relies on you and seems to be keeping because you live in the States and can provide her with support. '__'... I mean does she even have a decent job?

 

Marriage is NOT a bloody game. Getting married then divorced is no fun and very financially crippling afterall.

 

 

I will try to get to know her better for sure and will see if we are compatible or not. I agree this is not a game that's why there were some opportunities i had before that i decided not to continue. But no one's perfect and if everyone's chasing for perfection then divorce rate would be 0 and no one would be married. Of course i am not advocating "marrying anyone" but lets say she is good in few areas and bad in another, maybe it is good enough. If i find her good communicator, nice person, share similar hobbies and adventurous - maybe i wont care as much about her english if she's willing to learn it. I have seen local people with great english but crappy other areas so no one's perfect.

 

I definitely want to tread carefully though.

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I commented on it, then was told to was not offering constructive advice.

 

He has work issues. But, I do believe he should wait until he can get time off so that he can meet with her family.

 

Yes, insulting the person asking for advice is not constructive criticism, by implying he wasn't a gentleman. He has a reason for being hesitant to visit, which was explained. He just can't relatively soon. I agree he should definitely visit her.

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