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Thread: I still constantly think about my ex-gf

  1. #1

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    I still constantly think about my ex-gf

    Ok, so my ex-gf, let's call her Jane, and I started dating in the summer of 2014. I was a rising junior in high school and she was a rising sophomore. When I went off to college, in the fall of 2016, about a month in, we broke up, and it was pretty bad.

    Fast forward a few months to winter break so the start of 2017. Jane and I hadn't talked from the time we broke up until I texted her a few weeks before winter break, as I saw on facebook that she got into Georgetown, so I congratulated her. Our texts started out distant to each other, but that was to be expected as we went through a bad breakup and hadn't made contact with each other for 4 months. Anyways, Jane and I start dating on-again-off-again. That summer (early August 2017) she went on birthright, a free two-week trip to Isreal for young Jews, so when she went on this trip, which is notorious for hooking-up and finding a SO (which is kind of the point of the program, I once asked a rabbi, they said basically they just want more Jewish babies lol) we decided to be in the 'off again' status. Low and behold, on her trip, she found a guy, which I was not super happy about. anyways she dates this guy for a while, but they broke up in October 2018.

    In December 2018, Jane messaged me. Again, we hadn't talked for most of her relationship with the other guy, except a little in the beginning. We decided to go out and get some food and drink at a bar we had always gone to during our on-again-off-again phase (NYC bars are known for not IDing), before both of us went back to school. I go to school in Boston btw. We both had an enjoyable time but didn't get to see each other again before we went back to school, but we did text each other like every other day.

    So now, I'm back at school, still texting Jane every other day or so, and about a month in, me and one of my best friends from freshman year start dating, call her Molly. As Molly was one of my best friends, she knew most of the details, good and bad, about me and Jane. So, as a sort of pre-requisite to dating, Molly told me I had to completely cut it off with Jane. I was perfectly ok with that, as I really wanted to be with Molly, and I'm still ok with it cause I love Molly. Jane and I haven't talked since.

    So, throughout all of the times we were NOT together, I literally think about Jane every day. Including rn, or else I wouldn't be posting this. I don't think about her in like a sexual way or overly-romantic way and I'm don't think I'm obsessing over her (usually just a passing thought once a day), I just think about her, and us -- I guess I'm reminisceing. And, I suppose I do still have some feelings for Jane, I'm not really sure what they are though.

    My questions are: Is this normal? If it's not, what can I do to stop it? I've been wanting to messege her to explain this to her, as I think actually telling her may help me to move on, but I have no idea how to say it. So can you either tell me why that is a horrible idea, or kinda draft up a message for me?

    --

    P.S. Jane and I made a pact during out on-again-off-again relationship that if we're both single at the beginning of 2023, we will try again, and we're both the type of people to keep this type of thing. Though, this is the first time i've thought about that pact since I last saw her in December 2018, because I am focusing on my current girlfriend and maintaining that relationship.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    This is pretty normal, by the sound of it.

    Jane is a formative romance in your life. As your high school love, she's probably the first person with whom you felt some big firsts: waves of feelings, the expansive rush of love, a singular connection, mutual respect, fantasies about a future. A lot of firsts there, in short, and our first anything tends to leave a bit of a forever mark. I still think about my high school girlfriend from time to time, and I'm 39. At 21—around your age, I take it?—those thoughts had a bit more oomph.

    But at some point you learn that you need to really let go of that stuff, fully, to make room for new stuff. It might be that you're learning this lesson right now—that the Jane-centric thoughts and feelings you're having are really you feeling that you're letting go of Jane more fully than you have in the past. Without contact she's slipping away, going out of focus, and there's some sorrow in that: the sorrow of time passing, people growing, lives moving in different directions. But there's joy too: the joy of Molly, wherever that goes, to say nothing of various joys coming your way that you literally can't even imagine right now.

    As for writing Jane—no, don't go there. No point, to say nothing of the fact that it goes against the agreement you made with Molly. Best to just acknowledge the urge, and give yourself a minute to acknowledge what's really behind that urge: a way of holding onto the past a little longer because your future is uncertain, to squeeze a dash of kerosene on a spark that is all but gone—and, honestly, has probably been all-but-gone for longer than you know. It's been 2.5 years since you had anything like a healthy, evolving relationship with Jane; what you've had since has been what I call playing around in purgatory: plenty of fun, but limited in what it really offers.

    I like the way you write about all this. It's clear you and Jane have a special connection, and that you have a lot of respect for each other's humanity. There's real friendship there, and the best thing about real friendship? It rises to the top, in time, if you let it rather than forcing it and bending it into an inauthentic shape by engaging when a few other coals are still simmering. Trust that you can appreciate her without having that appreciation validated by her for the time being; if you can take those steps, you're on a really good path.

    Last thing I'll say is about this little pact of yours: time to break it, in your head, or at least acknowledge it for what it is, which is really just a way of both of you looking for a way to stave off the fear of uncertainty. But having some arbitrary time stamp on the whole thing is silly. It just prevents you from being present, no different than me making a pact with myself that, say, I'll live in Paris at age 50. I'd like to live in Paris some day, and imagine I will, but whether it comes next year or in thirty—well, who cares? I've got a life to live in the meantime, and it's currently unfolding in California.

    Make sense, any of that?

  3. #3

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I like the way you write about all this. It's clear you and Jane have a special connection, and that you have a lot of respect for each other's humanity. There's real friendship there, and the best thing about real friendship? It rises to the top, in time, if you let it rather than forcing it and bending it into an inauthentic shape by engaging when a few other coals are still simmering. Trust that you can appreciate her without having that appreciation validated by her for the time being; if you can take those steps, you're on a really good path.
    I understand and get all of what you said, and it makes sense. The one part, that I'm not sure what you really mean by it is the above paragraph. Can you elaborate a bit more on that?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pjed
    Ok, so my ex-gf, let's call her Jane, and I started dating in the summer of 2014. I was a rising junior in high school and she was a rising sophomore. When I went off to college, in the fall of 2016, about a month in, we broke up, and it was pretty bad.

    Fast forward a few months to winter break so the start of 2017. Jane and I hadn't talked from the time we broke up until I texted her a few weeks before winter break, as I saw on facebook that she got into Georgetown, so I congratulated her. Our texts started out distant to each other, but that was to be expected as we went through a bad breakup and hadn't made contact with each other for 4 months. Anyways, Jane and I start dating on-again-off-again. That summer (early August 2017) she went on birthright, a free two-week trip to Isreal for young Jews, so when she went on this trip, which is notorious for hooking-up and finding a SO (which is kind of the point of the program, I once asked a rabbi, they said basically they just want more Jewish babies lol) we decided to be in the 'off again' status. Low and behold, on her trip, she found a guy, which I was not super happy about. anyways she dates this guy for a while, but they broke up in October 2018.

    In December 2018, Jane messaged me. Again, we hadn't talked for most of her relationship with the other guy, except a little in the beginning. We decided to go out and get some food and drink at a bar we had always gone to during our on-again-off-again phase (NYC bars are known for not IDing), before both of us went back to school. I go to school in Boston btw. We both had an enjoyable time but didn't get to see each other again before we went back to school, but we did text each other like every other day.

    So now, I'm back at school, still texting Jane every other day or so, and about a month in, me and one of my best friends from freshman year start dating, call her Molly. As Molly was one of my best friends, she knew most of the details, good and bad, about me and Jane. So, as a sort of pre-requisite to dating, Molly told me I had to completely cut it off with Jane. I was perfectly ok with that, as I really wanted to be with Molly, and I'm still ok with it cause I love Molly. Jane and I haven't talked since.

    So, throughout all of the times we were NOT together, I literally think about Jane every day. Including rn, or else I wouldn't be posting this. I don't think about her in like a sexual way or overly-romantic way and I'm don't think I'm obsessing over her (usually just a passing thought once a day), I just think about her, and us -- I guess I'm reminisceing. And, I suppose I do still have some feelings for Jane, I'm not really sure what they are though.

    My questions are: Is this normal? If it's not, what can I do to stop it? I've been wanting to messege her to explain this to her, as I think actually telling her may help me to move on, but I have no idea how to say it. So can you either tell me why that is a horrible idea, or kinda draft up a message for me?

    --

    P.S. Jane and I made a pact during out on-again-off-again relationship that if we're both single at the beginning of 2023, we will try again, and we're both the type of people to keep this type of thing. Though, this is the first time i've thought about that pact since I last saw her in December 2018, because I am focusing on my current girlfriend and maintaining that relationship.
    pjed,

    We've all been in your shoes, brother. However, you have 'oneitis' badly for Jane. You have to dump Molly ASAP because you can't give her the 100% she deserves in a relationship. Also, you can't be into Molly if you're thinking about Jane. Stringing Molly along while you feel this way is just cruel. Once you do that, you need to start meeting new women on a daily basis. Once you start meeting those women, start weeding out those who don't meet your standards and decide which ones you want to go out with. You don't need to run to the wedding chapel after the first date; just get back out there and start dating. Trust me, you'll find a girl that blows 'Jane' out of the water in no time.

    Also, there's no chance in hell of 'Jane' being romantically interested in you right now. You are a total doormat, a texting buddy, etc. There's no mystery or intrigue. She knows that she can have you at any time. If you want Jane to be romantically interested in you again, you need to fall off the face of the Earth. No more texting, no more time spent as her 'doormat'. Get busy with your life. Start having new hobbies, get in the gym, get into the best shape of your life. Working out will spike your testosterone and make you feel on top of the world.

    Finally, I would suggest reading 'Redpill' content ASAP. Society is becoming more and more feminized, so it's not your fault for acting this way. It's just time to learn new things to avoid another 'Jane' situation in the future. Good luck.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by pjed
    So can you either tell me why that is a horrible idea,
    Its a horrible idea, because it sounds like you are both wanting to keep each other on the bench, as if you are in tacit agreement that you have unfinished business. Doing that means -

    (a) you don't move on and grow as a person, without them in your life.

    (b) The third person lurking in the wings will quite possibly stuff up your new relationship.

    You and Jane are not together, and you are with someone else - who quite reasonably didn't want her orbiting.

    Don't message her.

    Your lingering feelings will diminish over time.


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