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Thread: How to get over something that could have been?

  1. #1
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    How to get over something that could have been?

    So this past year my family moved to a new state and I met the girl of my dreams. She’s stunning and everything I have ever wanted in a girl and we clicked so well together. For better or worse, before I could pose the question of where we are going with this I got some devastating news, that we were moving again. We agreed to keep talking though. I even mentioned that she could come visit me at my new house (it is on a beach) and she was so excited at the idea because she had never been. Also, with me going off to college soon and her already in college, she said she would not want me to have a girlfriend freshman year (although the schools are not very close). As time progressed we actually talked about making this work, about letting the summer pass and maybe trying to rekindle our relationship in the future. We are both trying to cling onto it, as she has said things such as “even though you are moving I am not talking to anyone else because you are the only person I wanna talk to” and like that. The colleges are only about 2 hours apart and we have talked about visiting each other as well. But then came more devastating news, I cant even spend the limited time I have left with her because her parents do not want me to see her. They actually really like me, but because I kind of am acquaintances with her brother through hockey (we never played together or spoke but we are in the same organization he is just on a lower team) they think us dating would be disrespectful to him (he has even said he doesn’t care but whatever). She is very obedient to her parents and always fears the worst. Next year would be different and she would be able to visit other friends of hers at my college but actually see me.

    So I mean I guess this has the potential to work out, but in the mean time, for the next 4 months at least until I could possibly see her again if we visit each other in college, but it is highly unlikely. I just need help getting over the feelings I have for her, at least for now. How can one get over their dream girl? It’s especially difficult because we are still remaining friends. Everything reminds me of her from certain music, certain tv shows we watched, etc. It’s almost worse that we didn’t have a falling out because I have no reason to not like her. It is also difficult for me to think of her dating other guys. How do I get over that thought? She is not at the moment, but I am just thinking into the future.I just constantly think of her dating some guy at her college (a college that rejected me) and am overwhelmed with jealousy because had circumstances been different that guy would have been me. Breaking off contact with her is not an option, I do not want to do that I feel like that would be really weird never seeing her again, but how do I get over these terrible thoughts, at least until the next school year starts? How do I get over missed opportunities, not being able to do fun things we talked about and all that stuff? I mean she even had a dream once that we had a kid, and she would constantly mention how she wants to get married at 23 around me. How the hell do I get over that?

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    I'm having trouble understanding the thought process of the parents. Is there more to it than that? Is there a reason your association with her brother would be a problem that I'm missing? My gut is telling me to advise that you don't get over her, that you both follow whatever is in your heart regardless of her parents... but I feel like that might be terrible advice because I feel like I'm missing a piece of the puzzle regarding her parents, who might have some very good reasons that I'm not seeing.

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    Originally Posted by Greg40s
    I'm having trouble understanding the thought process of the parents. Is there more to it than that? Is there a reason your association with her brother would be a problem that I'm missing? My gut is telling me to advise that you don't get over her, that you both follow whatever is in your heart regardless of her parents... but I feel like that might be terrible advice because I feel like I'm missing a piece of the puzzle regarding her parents, who might have some very good reasons that I'm not seeing.
    Well first off her dad is very protective and has never wanted her to date someone on my team in the first place. The thing is like I see her brother around the rink sometimes so her parents maybe thought that this would be awkward for him even though we’re actually pretty cool now and I talk to him more since I started talking to his sister than I did before. Im thinking maybe his parents dont think he would tell the truth about how he really feels about his sister and I dating. I dont really know. The main tipping point was probably that there was this rumor going around with the hockey dads basically saying that I wanted to have sex with her or something and was talking to everyone in the locker room about it, and this got around to her dad. Many things were wrong with this as I never mentioned it in the locker room or talked about her like that, and why would a bunch of 50 year old dads be talking about this and why would someone tell her dad? It was a very strange situation. Obviously her dad was not too thrilled and was like “this is why you shouldn’t be talking to hockey players.” The thing is they do not hate me for that and had nothing bad to say about me to her, but this was kind of the tipping point I guess.

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    Okay, that gives a bit more clarity and maybe there is a laddish culture among the hockey players that her dad is very aware of. And maybe in locker room talk people said things they shouldn't have said and it got places that it should never have made it to. So you're now dealing with a very protective dad.

    I think it's important to listen to advice and that's what you're here for and you'll likely get some very good views here (I'm here for the same reason). So my view is just one, from a protective dad of a daughter: if your intentions are good and she is genuinely truly interested in the same way you are, follow your hearts.

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    Originally Posted by Greg40s
    Okay, that gives a bit more clarity and maybe there is a laddish culture among the hockey players that her dad is very aware of. And maybe in locker room talk people said things they shouldn't have said and it got places that it should never have made it to. So you're now dealing with a very protective dad.

    I think it's important to listen to advice and that's what you're here for and you'll likely get some very good views here (I'm here for the same reason). So my view is just one, from a protective dad of a daughter: if your intentions are good and she is genuinely truly interested in the same way you are, follow your hearts.
    Ya I totally understand that. She talked to her parents and told them how Ive been nothing but respectful to her and never forced anything on her, which is true, so its really really frustrating because I have literally done nothing wrong.

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    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I agree. This is very hurtful and frustrating for you. The only thing I can suggest is what not to do. Continue to avoid disrespecting her parents and getting her into trouble, avoid putting your reputation on the team on the line, don't do anything suspect or that could be misconstrued as lascivious or negative towards her and your wellbeing or future. Try to remain positive as much as possible. I do guarantee you that everything will pass, as all things do. Remain friends with her if you like but if you feel it's not sustainable anymore or too frustrating/painful then be respectful enough to let each other go (ie. come to some sort of mutual agreement and don't let things get too overly heavy and sad). Life is about learning and meeting new people, learning different ways to love, think, feel, accept different situations.

    The main point is not to antagonize her parents or create any difficult situations for yourself or her. Since you're both living at home or potentially minors, this wouldn't be smart or helpful to your futures or wellbeing. Continue being respectful to everyone, especially her dad, no matter how much you know that whatever is said about you is not true. I believe your friends, your family, her family and she will eventually see you for what you are. You don't have to be cold or uncaring either or hurt her. Remain friendly and true to yourself.

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    Repost of this same topic
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    I am fairly certain once you get to college you will meet many lovely girls. You likely won't want to be tied to someone far away. Neither will she.

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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Repost of this same topic
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    I am fairly certain once you get to college you will meet many lovely girls. You likely won't want to be tied to someone far away. Neither will she.
    Yes it is the same topic but this is kind of a different question Im asking how to get over her.

  10. #9
    Bronze Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    In this life, we all want what we want but at the end of the day, everyone needs to be realistic.

    You need to make the first move and tell her that while remaining friends is ok, there is nothing more to your relationship with her anymore given that both of you are far away from each other. You need to accept that it's inconvenient to see one another frequently. 2 hours apart is very inconvenient not to mention impractical.

    Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. To the contrary, too much absence causes two people to eventually drift apart permanently.

    You get over it by being practical. You will meet someone new as will she eventually. She wants to marry at 23. She has a goal and you can't get over that if you don't want the same vision as hers. Think logically and sensibly. That's how you get over it.

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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    In this life, we all want what we want but at the end of the day, everyone needs to be realistic.

    You need to make the first move and tell her that while remaining friends is ok, there is nothing more to your relationship with her anymore given that both of you are far away from each other. You need to accept that it's inconvenient to see one another frequently. 2 hours apart is very inconvenient not to mention impractical.

    Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. To the contrary, too much absence causes two people to eventually drift apart permanently.

    You get over it by being practical. You will meet someone new as will she eventually. She wants to marry at 23. She has a goal and you can't get over that if you don't want the same vision as hers. Think logically and sensibly. That's how you get over it.
    Ya I think that’s great advice. I mean the marrying at 23 thing isn’t a problem I was more saying that because it kindve shows that she was thinking about marriage and long term between us, but logically looking at this it probably won’t work out and that’s the best way to move forward.


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