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Thread: Considering Giving up on Uni

  1. #31
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Ok, fever of failure I totally get. That was my husband’s major fear. My husband’s father placed his own personal self worth in his son. If my husband wasn’t at the pinnacle of scholastic and sports success his FATHER was a nobody. So was husband was relentlessly pushed. He also had severe ADHD and was continuously put down for not being like his sister. By grade 8 he was fainting for fear of failure despite winning the school Math award, History award, Geography award and his hockey league’s most valuable player he wasn’t “ good enough”.

    At the end of Highschool he was an Ontario Scholar. Still not “ good enough.” I got him at University by then he was such an emotional wreck he could barely get through the day. I dragged him through his four year degree kicking and screaming. Literally. He was there because his dad had always wanted to go but left school at 14 as was the custom in his time frame and country at the time.

    My husband graduated with his degree in 1992 and I finished the following year because I was scrambling under the weight of my honours degree, 3 jobs, my parent’s crumbling relationship, my own mental health and his .

    In less than a month my husband will be 50. He is in great mental health now and his degree still 27 years later is beneficial to his working life. His military career would have been severely impacted without it.

    As far as ASD goes. I understand. My son is Autistic. 😀 He went to college as opposed to university but crumbled under the weight and professor strike. My son though has learning disabilities as well and severe executive dysfunction issues. He is on disability but did graduate with honours from High School and is also an Ontario Scholar.


    Hugs to you. I so so understand. Please keep going. You will benefit more than you know.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by thornz
    No campus, I do distance learning. I have paid for my own counselling and therapy in the past when required. I am happy to report I am confident in my knowledge of how to take care of myself but not confident in my ability to implement said care. I can work on that. It's hard to juggle all of the things when studying and working but I can do it. Need to schedule and stick to it for my next module.
    Inquire about distance counseling. They're trained in this stuff and can give you tools and techniques to combat anxiety and control your focus.

    Consider rewarding yourself after you complete certain milestones in your assignments. This is less about the amount of time you spend, and more about building your own schedule of accomplishments. It's not motivating to keep yourself chained to the clock only to feel like you're constantly 'failing' whenever you fatigue out and come up short on the 'duration'. Focusing instead on completing steps builds IN a sense of mastery with each step, most especially when you can bite off a bit more than you had planned. That's POSITIVE reinforcement rather than grueling torture. Adding a reward after steps allows you to feel GOOD about what you've done instead of lousy about what you have not.

    Head high, you can do this.

  3. #33
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I agree about rewards and small increments. My mom is always a great believer in if you can do something for an hour you can do it much longer.

  4. #34
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Inquire about distance counseling. They're trained in this stuff and can give you tools and techniques to combat anxiety and control your focus.

    Consider rewarding yourself after you complete certain milestones in your assignments. This is less about the amount of time you spend, and more about building your own schedule of accomplishments. It's not motivating to keep yourself chained to the clock only to feel like you're constantly 'failing' whenever you fatigue out and come up short on the 'duration'. Focusing instead on completing steps builds IN a sense of mastery with each step, most especially when you can bite off a bit more than you had planned. That's POSITIVE reinforcement rather than grueling torture. Adding a reward after steps allows you to feel GOOD about what you've done instead of lousy about what you have not.

    Head high, you can do this.
    I have a counselor and we agreed after my last session I have got the tools and techniques to look after myself. I know what to do, just have trouble organising and motivating myself to keep up to it.

    Rewards definitely don't work to incentivise me but I will definitely be treating myself here and there and going out to see friends and have fun. I have tried the lock myself in until I finish my studies. Studies didnt get done and I got very ill. I did 5 hours yesterday but I don't feel like I fell short, I feel a bit relieved that I finally started. Feeling a lot better overall.

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Ok, fever of failure I totally get. That was my husband’s major fear. My husband’s father placed his own personal self worth in his son. If my husband wasn’t at the pinnacle of scholastic and sports success his FATHER was a nobody. So was husband was relentlessly pushed. He also had severe ADHD and was continuously put down for not being like his sister. By grade 8 he was fainting for fear of failure despite winning the school Math award, History award, Geography award and his hockey league’s most valuable player he wasn’t “ good enough”.

    At the end of Highschool he was an Ontario Scholar. Still not “ good enough.” I got him at University by then he was such an emotional wreck he could barely get through the day. I dragged him through his four year degree kicking and screaming. Literally. He was there because his dad had always wanted to go but left school at 14 as was the custom in his time frame and country at the time.

    My husband graduated with his degree in 1992 and I finished the following year because I was scrambling under the weight of my honours degree, 3 jobs, my parent’s crumbling relationship, my own mental health and his .

    In less than a month my husband will be 50. He is in great mental health now and his degree still 27 years later is beneficial to his working life. His military career would have been severely impacted without it.

    As far as ASD goes. I understand. My son is Autistic. 😀 He went to college as opposed to university but crumbled under the weight and professor strike. My son though has learning disabilities as well and severe executive dysfunction issues. He is on disability but did graduate with honours from High School and is also an Ontario Scholar.


    Hugs to you. I so so understand. Please keep going. You will benefit more than you know.
    Seems there are some similarities that are interesting. My family too (particularly my grandad and aunt) were extremely pushy and snobby, I would be a nobody without a degree and heaven forbid I disgrace the family like my mother did (got pregnant at 18, they moved and sent the kid to adoption). If I didnt perform well at school (got good grades but was always playing truant), which was often the case due to the instability in my home life, I was taken to my grandads for punishment. He was a professor of mathematics and nothing I did was ever worth celebrating. I hadn't seen any of my family for at least 5 years when I saw him at my nanas funeral. One of the first things he asked was about my studies. I told him I attained my foundation degree and would continue studies to get the full degree. His response was that foundation degrees didn't exist in his day and were just a poor attempt at getting a degree.

    I lost count of the lectures I would get (as a child) about how I would end up pregnant to an alcoholic who would beat me if I didn't get a good career to be able to look after myself. Wow! Reading this back has made me realise that they also reinforced a lot of my beliefs about being able to escape bad situations by getting a degree. They really did drill it into me too. Hours of lecturing at a time whilst I was crying my eyes out, never really understanding what the problem was, interrogating me about my behaviour until I gave a somewhat satisfactory response. I only recently made the connection that my mother must have told my family i had been having sex at 13 (I wasn't) and that's why they interrogated me about getting pregnant instead of doing the reasonable thing any decent family would do and involve the police to arrest a paedophile who had (in their belief) molested a family member.

    I have the cognitive issues too. I think it's a symptom of ASD/BPD. It makes studying and working (and life in general) a lot more taxing. I have learned to manage it to a degree so it's not as stressful as it used to be. I can get to work on time. Complete a moderate task instead of starting 5 others and leaving them all part way through lol. They seem like things a young child should be able to do, but for me as an adult being consistently on time for work, eating regular meals, having clean clothes to wear each morning, taking care of basic hygeine consistently are a big achievement!

    Probably ought to lay low on here a while and focus on my studies more...

  7. #36
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    Yes, my son who is Autistic has a lot of problems with life skills.

  8. #37
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    I know someone who was ONE semester away from graduating at a very prestigious school. He decided with 6 months left it "wasn't for him" and never turned in his thesis. if he finished, he would have had many more opportunities. Employers like to see that you finished something, particularly if you ever go for a job that is NOt in your field. Finishing an associate's degree sometimes looks better than going 3 years for a bachelor's than quitting in some cases. It shows you follow through. I would find a mentor if needed - or two - and buckle in> you can do it. Can you take a short leave from your job when things are coming due?

  9. #38
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Yes, my son who is Autistic has a lot of problems with life skills.
    It’s hard work but there’s joy in overcoming the challenges. I hope its the same for your son also xx

  10. #39
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I know someone who was ONE semester away from graduating at a very prestigious school. He decided with 6 months left it "wasn't for him" and never turned in his thesis. if he finished, he would have had many more opportunities. Employers like to see that you finished something, particularly if you ever go for a job that is NOt in your field. Finishing an associate's degree sometimes looks better than going 3 years for a bachelor's than quitting in some cases. It shows you follow through. I would find a mentor if needed - or two - and buckle in> you can do it. Can you take a short leave from your job when things are coming due?
    I do take leave for my studies but that exascerbates my depression, hence the crying etc. A mentor is a great idea. I will ring student support first thing and ask for help. I can try get one for my final module if I cant get any immediate support.

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