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Thread: Tips for getting through a good marriage without any real love?

  1. #51
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    D'awwwww! I have happy tears, honest to god. I'm so glad you talked with her and learned that she was feeling similar. It's amazing what happens when we actually listen to each other, isn't it?

    I'm so happy for you. I think this will be a turning point. Keep up the honest and open communication with her, and she'll do the same for you. Thank you for coming back to update! Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #52
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I didn't learn this lesson when I had the chance, but put your marriage first, always.

    Before work, home, family and kids. It's the foundation in which makes everything else successful.

    It's seems so counter intuitive when you have small children that are needy and demanding. But without that foundation, marriages fail and the kids suffer from the outcome of a failed or failing marriage.

    Best gift you can give your kids? Happy, intimately connected parents.
    Thanks again, everyone! Yes, this post is making a huge amount of sense to me. I guess in a way it's like when they tell you on a plane to tend to your own oxygen mask before worrying about other people - because you're no use to anyone if you've gone unconscious. To be good parents, we need to be well and happy ourselves.

  3. #53
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    Hi all! Well, it has been more than a year since I first posted here. Quick recap - I kind of thought my marriage was dead. All spark was gone and felt like it had been for a long time and I just felt I needed some way to get through it. So I posted here and some of you told me to take a good hard look at myself and some also told me that I needed to talk it through with my wife and so I started both of those things and found that there was a lot more to save than I had thought. And things got better. A lot better. And now, a year later, we're still here and... things are good!

    And wow am I glad because obviously we did not see covid coming. If my wife and I didn't get our strength back and refind our love before this all kicked off, I'm not sure where we'd be because it's a very stressful time. Not just the whole pandemic threat but now we're both working from home and have our kids around the entire time and it's all very cramped. To have that while feeling trapped in a marriage that wasn't working? It wouldn't have ended well.

    But instead, we found a new strength together. Life has had a lot of ups and downs over the last year, even pre-covid, and it doesn't always feel like we've had the opportunities to really enjoy each other as much as we'd like to but we make time where we can and we're more conscious of each other and our relationship and that has really helped when life stuff around us has been difficult. And it means that I don't spend my time wishing for other things, pining for times gone by or some other life that isn't mine. I have learned that, actually, we can make a lot from what we have and sometimes all we need is the person with us. It feels a bit weird now to have lost sight of that so badly but I guess it was a slow creep over the years.

    I'm just glad I posted here when I did and that I listened to you and tried to make things better. I feel like I'm a bit of a work in progress as a person and that's okay - better to be conscious of who I am and try to do better than to just blunder through totally unaware. Knowing that gave me a different perspective and a different focus. And much of my focus now and for the last year has been about being there for my wife, being a better husband. I'm sure I still have much to improve on in that regard but it's all going well. Things are good. We're happy together and we're strong together.

    So a year later, I thought I'd check back in and say thank you again. I hope you're all doing okay.

  4. #54
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I am glad you are doing better!

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  6. #55
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Greg40s
    Hi all! Well, it has been more than a year since I first posted here. Quick recap - I kind of thought my marriage was dead. All spark was gone and felt like it had been for a long time and I just felt I needed some way to get through it. So I posted here and some of you told me to take a good hard look at myself and some also told me that I needed to talk it through with my wife and so I started both of those things and found that there was a lot more to save than I had thought. And things got better. A lot better. And now, a year later, we're still here and... things are good!

    And wow am I glad because obviously we did not see covid coming. If my wife and I didn't get our strength back and refind our love before this all kicked off, I'm not sure where we'd be because it's a very stressful time. Not just the whole pandemic threat but now we're both working from home and have our kids around the entire time and it's all very cramped. To have that while feeling trapped in a marriage that wasn't working? It wouldn't have ended well.

    But instead, we found a new strength together. Life has had a lot of ups and downs over the last year, even pre-covid, and it doesn't always feel like we've had the opportunities to really enjoy each other as much as we'd like to but we make time where we can and we're more conscious of each other and our relationship and that has really helped when life stuff around us has been difficult. And it means that I don't spend my time wishing for other things, pining for times gone by or some other life that isn't mine. I have learned that, actually, we can make a lot from what we have and sometimes all we need is the person with us. It feels a bit weird now to have lost sight of that so badly but I guess it was a slow creep over the years.

    I'm just glad I posted here when I did and that I listened to you and tried to make things better. I feel like I'm a bit of a work in progress as a person and that's okay - better to be conscious of who I am and try to do better than to just blunder through totally unaware. Knowing that gave me a different perspective and a different focus. And much of my focus now and for the last year has been about being there for my wife, being a better husband. I'm sure I still have much to improve on in that regard but it's all going well. Things are good. We're happy together and we're strong together.
    Great news!!

  7. #56
    Gold Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    Hi Greg40s,
    Its been a while since I've checked out the forum and this past weekend bothered me enough to come back here to look for answers. I am still having some struggles in my marriage. I recall your name in May 2019 when I posted "Should I stay? Am I being unrealistic about marriage?" because you mentioned you were going through the same sort of thing in your marriage. After reading all of these pages above (which started just 3 days after my post), I was so happy to hear that things went well for you back then and continue that way today! What a milestone to celebrate if I may say so!

    I am sure I can learn from you since our stories are similar. Can you offer some tips on getting those tough conversations started? My past attempts to talk about big things, my wife gets very defensive. We are both "reactionary listeners", meaning before the other person finishes their talking, the other interrupts with a defensive "ya but...." It's like a tennis match where I serve a ball over to her court, and she smacks two of them back at me! I guess we do it to protect our self-esteem. She does it much more than I do, so I am anxious of even bringing up tough conversations. My rational side says these big conversations need to happen because it only leads to built up resentment. Our marriage is good, but could use some help to get it "great". The words in posts above "I feel loved, but not desired" ring a huge bell for me. I feel we have a committed marriage and like all, it needs maintenance. However, I feel like her roommate and it seems all my attempts this past year of (flowers, compliments, hugs, date nights, etc) have all fallen flat.
    Anyway, if you or others have some advice, I'd love to hear it. (If you need more context check out my post "Should I stay? Am I being unrealistic about marriage?" from 05.11.2019

    Thanks all.

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