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Thread: Tips for getting through a good marriage without any real love?

  1. #41
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I agree. Guys like him and my husband are the backbone of great men.
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Same here.

    Bravo, Greg. I could riff and ramble more, but for now: bravo. Knowing dudes like you exist makes me feel very happy and hopeful.
    Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #42
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    Wishing you many more decades of happy marriage :) Yay

  3. #43
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    Thank you, everyone! I can't tell you how much I appreciate the kind words, all the advice, the support and even the hard truths. I needed all of that and I'm so glad I came here and posted. I also know that this is a process and one I had neglected and I don't want to do that again. So I have work to do and even if this all goes great in the next while, I can't let myself take it for granted.

    In a way, maybe it's like when I started running. When I did that, I knew that if I let myself off the hook and didn't go for my next run, I might do the same the next day and the next until I was back to being how I was before. So I kept pushing just one more run each time until it was a habit and a strong part of my life. I need to make this a strong part of my life too. So I'm looking forward to continuing these frank and honest conversations with my wife and listening to her in ways I should have done years ago and didn't even realise I wasn't doing. I don't want to underestimate the work that there is still ahead of me.

    But right now, we're actually both kind of buzzing, like we have a new place to go from here. A new optimism about the present and the future rather than looking to the past. It's really good. We have done a lot of kissing in the last 24 hours.


    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Connect to a woman, or anyone for that matter by active listening. Do not underestimate the human desire to be heard and understand'
    Yes, I'm really starting to understand this. Thing is, if you had asked me a week ago I would have said that I did this already. But there is a difference between talking and really listening. I think part of it is being open to what you might hear. If I was to point out one big difference between the conversation we had the other day and conversations we've had previously, it's that this time I had no real preconceptions about how it might go - she could have told me we were done, or could have told me entirely different things and I went into that conversation just wanting to hear those things rather than going in with answers I just wanted validated.


    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    It may sound silly but there are some excellent books on how to pleasure a woman in ways I would bet you never knew.
    Happy to take any recommendations!

  4. #44
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Greg,

    I will send you a PM with some suggestions

    We are all really happy for you both. Please keep posting, we LOVE good news on here!

    Lost

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  6. #45
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    Thank you!

    To update: things have been REALLY good! We have done a lot more talking over the last few days (almost a week now I think since that initial big conversation) and what is really clear is that we both have been dealing with feelings that just kind of grew because we as a couple went on the back burner with kids and life. So we were partners in so many aspects of our life but were drifting away from each other in some ways, each dealing with that separately mostly because we didn't want to upset the other. But you push stuff down inside over a very long period of time and it grows and hits a point where you can't contain it any more. Talking those things out showed even on the first day that we were much closer to each other than either of us probably thought and that was a huge relief to both of us and it has only got better since then.

    It has awakened something inside of both of us that, honestly, has been dormant for more than ten years. It's like being at the early stages of a relationship all over again. It's exciting as we rediscover each other. It has been passionate. Fiery. We're both really happy right now.

    I know it can't ALWAYS be like this and that things will settle again but what's crucial is that we don't lose each other again. For me, that means being more attentive, listening better, being a better husband and partner and, when I'm feeling stuff, not getting so self-absorbed and trying to push it deep within. You could say that I had created mountains out of molehills but, nevertheless, they were mountains. I need to work on making sure we don't get to that stage again. And I actually think it will get easier from here as our kids get older - the first baby years can take a huge toll on a couple and I don't think I really understand how much they had changed us. We work really hard at being good parents and I don't regret that at all but it did come at the expense of us as a couple to some extent. Now we've recaptured that, I don't want to lose it again.

    This is probably going to sound really stupid but yesterday I wrote future me a letter explaining that I'm happy right now and how I got here. I sealed it in an envelope and gave it to my wife and asked her to hold onto it and, if I ever lose her again, to give it to me to read.

    So yes, things are good! Thanks again for all the advice. It may well have changed the course of the entire rest of my life.

  7. #46
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    You may be thanking us but you need to take credit where credit is due.

    You searched online for help and found this place.
    You took the step to post about what you were feeling.
    You were honest with us and yourself.
    You listened and took responsibility for your part in how you both got where you are.
    You didn't take the easy way out or did something to kill your marriage.
    You were brave and had that first tough conversation.

    Now you need to keep your foot firmly on the gas and not let up.

    I would ask one thing of you. Pay this forward. Keep coming back here once in a while and if you happen upon a thread by some person you think your experience could help post some advice to them as you have a lot of insight on how to turn around what even you described as being over and looking for ways to "get through" a loveless marriage. In helping others I bet you will learn more about yourself.

    Lost

  8. #47
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    Yes, you're right, thank you. Part of it was timing - I was at a point where I was ready to look for help and ready to listen.

    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    I would ask one thing of you. Pay this forward. Keep coming back here once in a while and if you happen upon a thread by some person you think your experience could help post some advice to them as you have a lot of insight on how to turn around what even you described as being over and looking for ways to "get through" a loveless marriage. In helping others I bet you will learn more about yourself.t
    Absolutely. If anything I have experienced can help others, I will offer whatever help I can.

  9. #48
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    If you don't post any more updates, at least come back in a year if this thread dies down and let us know how things are going :) And its refreshing to see a good marriage turn into a great marriage

  10. #49
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I didn't learn this lesson when I had the chance, but put your marriage first, always.

    Before work, home, family and kids. It's the foundation in which makes everything else successful.

    It's seems so counter intuitive when you have small children that are needy and demanding. But without that foundation, marriages fail and the kids suffer from the outcome of a failed or failing marriage.

    Best gift you can give your kids? Happy, intimately connected parents.

    Loved your update♥ Wish most people `got it' like you just did.

  11. #50
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    I agree we are starving for good news around here.

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