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Thread: Tips for getting through a good marriage without any real love?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    You and I share the same problem - we're with partners that we honest-to-God love and cherish, except for one huge problem, which is that the lack of intercourse and intimacy is a potential wedge in the relationship/marriage. I've posted about my issuer, too.

    What you said about not feeling unloved, but feeling undesired - that hits the nail on the head. There *is* such a thing, because that's how I feel, too.

    I think that there's a lot of tip-toeing around what you really want to say, which is that you want your P in her V. Don't make apologies or excuses; you feel how you feel, no matter how silly you think it is. It's human to feel this urge and it's definitely a natural need.


    You need to sit down and tell her that while this issue is not a deal-breaker for you, it's definitely something that you think about a lot and something that is important to you and your happiness, and may become a bigger issue. You need to be honest about what your expectations are - meaning, asking yourself what all you want physically from your wife and what you'd like to do about that. Because at the end of the day, your wife may be one of those women that don't have any sexual needs, and that is okay. It just means that her needs (or lack of) are different from yours, and it may mean that you and she need to consider other possibilities in terms of how to get you in a mental and physical happy place. It sounds like while you have spoken about it in the past, you are inferring a lot of how she feels, or what she needs/doesn't need, based on your own interpretation. She needs to explain to you in honest terms, in her own words, so that you can reconcile it in your head.

    I get it. Talking about something like this, to someone you already deeply love and respect, is hard. You don't want to hurt their feelings, but neither do you want to continue feeling the way you do, because you know that eventually, the resentment will fester. If you do love and respect her, and she you, you can talk about this rationally, in black and white, and come to a resolution, an agreement, a compromise, or something in which both of you get your needs met.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Greg,

    Yes you can feel loved but not desired and I am sure there are tons of people in relationships that feel the same way.

    So if you ask the questions and she openly and honestly answers you will both be way better off. Even if the answers aren't what you want to hear at least you know. So if she admits to having sex is just a duty in her mind then of course you would adjust your expectations.

    If she enjoys cuddling and kissing but not the actual intercourse maybe there is something else going on.

    Reading your words it sounds like you will not divorce over this and just want a way to survive until death do you part. I commend your faithfulness to your vows but I am not so sure it is a good idea for either of you.

    Lost

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by WithLove
    you want your P in her V.
    This is true.

    And yes, you're all right that we need to have a more direct, very honest conversation about it. I am nervous about the possibility that it reveals a total incompatibility in our needs and then what we would do with that information. It would feel really weird to have those surprises after so many years and I just don't know how that would work. Could it leave both of us just feeling really unhappy while also now knowing that the other is also unhappy? I guess the hope is that we arrive at somewhere much better than that. At the risk of endless procrastination I feel I need to get a certain amount of my own thoughts together before those conversations in that I'd love to come with solutions but maybe they just have to come from both of us.

    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    Reading your words it sounds like you will not divorce over this and just want a way to survive until death do you part.
    Yes. Unless it revealed that my wife is desperately unhappy with me, in which case a split would be much better for everyone. I don't think she is though and I feel like we're a very LONG way from divorce.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    It's those very conversations that add or create emotional intimacy.

    I can't think of a better opportunity then to risk that sort of vulnerability with the very person you committed your life too.

    Yes, it does challenge things sometimes. But look at it as a great investment into something you've already put a lot into.

    What is your alternative? To stay the way you are and drift further apart?

    It doesn't need to approached as a complaint or a negative.

    Approach it as a need or a desire. It can be viewed as a compliment that you desire your wife and you wish to feel more connected and intimate, emotionally and physically with her.

    Invite her to come up with a plan that benefits the both of you.

    Take your marriage to another level. Win/win for everyone.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Greg40s
    This is true.
    I am nervous about the possibility that it reveals a total incompatibility in our needs and then what we would do with that information. It would feel really weird to have those surprises after so many years and I just don't know how that would work.

    Something important to remember is that no one has complete compatibility with one other person. There are always going to be a few things you don't match up with. But that's where your priorities come into play - how important are your differences, and how much is your marriage with this particular person worth to you?

    From what I gather, your wife is a great partner, companion, and friend, and those are really difficult things to have, even without adding sexual chemistry. Is sexual chemistry important? Of course is it. But how does it rank with the other things? That's what you'll have to decide, and what we're here for (as a sounding board). I believe it starts with having an open and honest conversation with her, though. And if you try to spend a certain amount of time getting your thoughts together, it's likely you'll be looking up advice again next year, and the year after.

  7. #26
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    "real love" was not the correct term and instead I should have used a term that separates a friend/family member love from lovers love, if you know what I mean.

    When you marry, your wife BECOMES your family member. you SHOULD have friend/family member love for her on top of everything. She is your closest friend and your wife - you should be all of it -- friends, lovers, partners, family.

    I do think the key is getting out of your rut and trying new things. Your wife loves you - she wants more passion, too. She is not as big on penetration as you, but work on the other things and it will come. It would be a tragedy to end this marriage that has everything else right. Before you have another conversation about wanting more sex - stop being boring, go on a getaway - but not one where you won't have time to relax, too, try a new restaurant, whatever you can think of to not be routine.

  8. #27
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    For a second there I thought You were my husband writing this!!! I am now in my early 50's and we are going through a similar situation. Marriage goes through goid times and bad. I know how I feel so I am only assuming how she might feel. My husband sees himself as a 'nice guy' but I do not. He is moody andhas a temper. We see others differently than they see themselves. You seem to really care for yourrelationship and this is good!Something is bothering her that you are not aware of. In our40's we begin to look back on our relationship and where we are in our accomplishments. By 50 , atleast for me, we realize that yikes I better sort things out now to better enjoy my life and relationship. We never took many trips alone. It was me who always wanted the kids to come. Did you or can you go away just the two of you? Show your wife you appreciate her. Spend time together. Laugh together.
    Do an activity.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    When you marry, your wife BECOMES your family member. you SHOULD have friend/family member love for her on top of everything. She is your closest friend and your wife - you should be all of it -- friends, lovers, partners, family.
    Oh absolutely. But most of those other types of love I could have by moving in with my buddy Dave from down the street*. For lovers love, we frown upon people getting that outside of their marriage (and Dave is not as open-minded as he claims to be). So really unless you're the extra-marital affair type (and I'm not), that's a need that can only be filled in one place and it either is or it isn't.

    *There is no Dave from down the street but I hope you know what I mean!


    Originally Posted by SusanSue
    For a second there I thought You were my husband writing this!!!
    ...Dave, is that you?

  10. #29
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    No, sorry this is NOT Dave. You really only have two choices, change your situation or not. Not changing dies Not make sense. You have been feeling this way for far too long. Trust me. By the time you are 50 you will resent it. The other option to to change the situation. Counselling is s good place to start. We did councelling but he nevervadmitted to his issues so I filed for divorce. We separated for 5 months them I took him back. He has become slightly less angry but still not a nice guy by any means. I also stayed because of my kids. They a recall grown up now but We still take carribean vacations together. I tell him how I feel but I realize it is unlike to get better. He is now 54. Buy your wife a nice dress and flowers. It is a start.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Don't know if this helps, but I am your age and divorced at 40 after an 18 year marriage. In the last year of our marriage we didn't have sex. Or I should say, I wouldn't have sex.

    It's important to know that sex or the lack there of is a barometer of the condition of your marriage as a whole. Yes, there are other factors, health, stress, children, etc. But having said that, all of it combined is a package deal and it will effect what goes on the bedroom. It's impossible to compartmentalize these things and think your partner is going to rock your socks if something else is in the way.

    My ex h didn't see it that way. Unlike you, were weren't amazing partners for each other (the story is too long to tell). But I will tell you that if my husband was nice to me and I sensed it was directly due to an agenda, (sex) I resented it. After all, why wasn't he nice all or at the very least most of the time?

    There was no changing this dynamic between to the two of us and in the end he showed his true colors when he told me that it (sex) was my obligation. (So, that's what I had to work with, lucky me)

    But had he just been kind without feeling he was entitled to something in return for it. Had he held me at night and resisted groping me just once. Had he stop keeping score about everything he did for me and his kids and in turn was motivated by some deeper meaning, things at least in this area might have been different. We were stuck in this reward/punishment cycle over sex.

    The opposite is true as well. If you aren't connected emotionally and physically, it effects your health, stress, relationship etc. So there is this cycle of what comes first and how to create that delicate balance. This struggle is older than you and combined, times infinity.

    We had to typical routine of him being gone most of the time, the charm started ramping up about the time I was doing dinner dishes and after getting the boys to bed, then he wanted attention. Everything in between myself and kids were being punished by his sullen attitude, his absence etc. Just to start all over again a couple nights later, after dinner, etc.

    I ultimately thought I was frigid, angry and dried up. Until I got divorced and met someone who wasn't narcissistic and toxic. It made me sad all those times I thought it might have been my fault. . or his, passing blame back and forth. Now, so far removed from that marriage, this secret is no longer a secret.

    There's that old saying ` sex begins out of the bedroom' I can't stress that enough. It's pretty basic, honestly. But I totally understand that in the throws of it, it's hard to see.

    No one was more surprised than myself that I have a very healthy sex drive. Under the right circumstances.

    I could be projecting here but the purpose of my story is to get you to look at things as a whole. Add in my ex might have said the same things you just shared. How everything was perfect, except just this one thing. I'd be curious as to your wife assessment of the marriage. Possibly something in my story gives you something to think about even if it doesn't apply.

    If your wife had a voice here, what would she say?
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 05-16-2019 at 01:04 PM.

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