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Thread: The best ways to heal after breakup

  1. #1
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    The best ways to heal after breakup

    It seems I have no idea what attitude should I adopt, so I can safely heal after a break up.
    Last time I thought I had allowed myself to griev, but everyday I was thinking about reasons to hate him for what he did to me, inducing myself the idea that I must have no feeling for him anymore. Somehow that worked and I was feeling relieved, but as soon as I got in contact with him again, I immediately fell for him so hard, and I currently feel the most awful ever.
    How can I see the things in the best way, considering the fact that I have no social to distract me and no occasions to date other guys, due to massive studying for my graduation exam?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    I wish I could help but I'm in a similar position. Just want to tell you, you're not alone. It takes time, I know you might be tired of hearing this, but it is the truth. During the time it needs, IT SUCKS. And I've been through this several times.

    It does help me too to think about how he treated me because when we are in love we ignore a lot, so if he treated you badly, you have to tell yourself that that's who he is, that's a part of him you just found out. Would you consider relationship with him if you were aware of his bad side?don't think so. So go back to that and try not to break NC again. If he is the one who broke it, block him. I'm serious. It's not about revenge, it's not about what he will think, it's about your healing.

    If you can't talk to someone, write it down. Either in a journal or here or both.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    There is no right way to heal and it always takes time and hurts. Things I've learned from experience:

    - take time to grieve and be gentle with yourself
    - total no contact: no texting, no calling, no social media stalking (I even suggest deleting them from all social media). If they don't respect that you want time and space, tell them directly that you want no contact. If they don't respect it don't engage with them. Block if necessary

    - Don't engage in stuff like drinking or hook ups or one night stands while you're still healing. That will set you back contrary to popular believe

    - Don't be busy just for the sake of being busy. Instead set one two goals and work hard towards them. Transferring your energy to something that can make you feel like you're progressing will do wonders.

    - if possible do something to help other people (taking the focus of you helps). Weather it's voluntary work, helping a family member or a friend.

    To sum up: take it easy. Take your own time and do things that advance your life and don't engage in toxic avoidant behaviour. Good luck!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    - if possible do something to help other people (taking the focus of you helps). Weather it's voluntary work, helping a family member or a friend!
    Completely agree with everything I just want to say that you can actually help people on this forum too. It really helps me. I don't know how much I help others truly, but sometimes just stating that you understand is enough. It's fulfilling and constructive, we're all on this together.
    "W-enotlone" ha!

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  6. #5
    Member Flipp's Avatar
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    I think Annia had had a nice list to follow.

    I first came on this site after my breakup in July 2018. 6 year long relationship, BU seemingly out of the blue. Was totally devestated and really didn't think I'd ever get out of thet big, black hole I was in. Got even darker after I found out he found a new girl after 2 weeks...

    Anyways, what I'm trying to tell you is that I really didn't believe that It would ever feel any better, but it does now. I even managed to talk to my ex and meet him and walk from that experience with my head held high, and feeling confident and with hopes for a brighter future. So, just hang in there.

    There was a person here that compared the healing period to standing at the beach, and being hit by waves. The first ones you might fall when they hit you, then you might struggle to stay on your feet, but after a while, you learn how to managed the waves and the current and everything, and it sort of gets easier and easier. But the first period is rough. All you really need to do is survive. One more day, one more week, and then it will get better!

    I found that these things helped

    - Talking to people in similar situations (like being on here, but just know that some people might be a bit harsh and up-front about their opinions!)
    - Spending most of my free time on my hobbies. Like, every day. Come home from work, not think, just make dinner, then get out of the house to do something I enjoy. Almost on autopilot.
    - Separating activities from situation: E.g: I could enjoy a nice walk in the woods with my dog, and feel happy and okey in that moment, but my situation was still cr*p. And that's okey.
    - No contact with ex. No social media, no pictures or memories or anything, just avoid ex all together. I even learned some neat, little mental tricks to use whenever I thought about him, which was alot! It helped some times, but not all the time
    - Eat and sleep! This effects your brains ability to cope with emotion, and you really don't need anything to get worse right, so find a way to eat and sleep! I struggled with the eating part, lost 15 kgs, and felt progressively worse. I friend of mine adviced me to make myself a normal meal, like I would have before, and eat it, no matter how much time you spend. If it takes you 2 hours to get breakfast down, just use 2 hours. And eat 4 meals a day. Every day! When I managed that, I started to feel a little bit better.
    - Read. I spent a lot of time reading, because that would occupie my thoughts in a better way than just watching TV or a movie.

    So just survive!

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Highsky
    It seems I have no idea what attitude should I adopt, so I can safely heal after a break up.
    Last time I thought I had allowed myself to griev, but everyday I was thinking about reasons to hate him for what he did to me, inducing myself the idea that I must have no feeling for him anymore. Somehow that worked and I was feeling relieved, but as soon as I got in contact with him again, I immediately fell for him so hard, and I currently feel the most awful ever.
    How can I see the things in the best way, considering the fact that I have no social to distract me and no occasions to date other guys, due to massive studying for my graduation exam?

    In my recent heartbreak experience - there is no advice that helps. Your heart just has to heal slowly...very slowly. No rebounds, no revenge sex, no reminders...just take it day by day, knowing it's going to suck.

    There were days I spent 99% of the day thinking about my ex, and what happened, how it could have been avoided, things we could have done different, etc etc...it was agony....

    The best things I have done, is volunteer and work out a lot at the gym. Things that you can do on auto pilot and feel good about yourself. I can't really go out on dates or do too many friend activities...my heart just isn't in them....

    Just keep being strong. Think of the bad things...remember them...learn from them...

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Cope
    It does help me too to think about how he treated me because when we are in love we ignore a lot, so if he treated you badly, you have to tell yourself that that's who he is, that's a part of him you just found out. Would you consider relationship with him if you were aware of his bad side?don't think so. So go back to that and try not to break NC again. If he is the one who broke it, block him. I'm serious. It's not about revenge, it's not about what he will think, it's about your healing.
    Very well said, Cope. When you're in love, and especially in that honeymoon phase, you tend to overlook warning signs and excuse it when they make you feel bad, under the guise of 'we can work it out.' For me, with each breakup, especially early on, I try to think about the things that frustrated me, that I thought would get better but never did. It replaces a bit of the pain with relief, knowing I don't have to tolerate those things or try to make them better anymore. I'd tell myself I deserved better, and now I have it.

    I will also say that I agree with Annia in that there is no one right way to heal. We're all different. Every situation is different. We all process emotions differently. But my quick hit advice is, as others have said, unless there is a valid reason to stay in touch (kids, property, debts, etc.), go complete NC. The idea is that every time you see or hear something from them, it is painful. You're reminded of all the good memories you had that you won't be making any more of. If you sever all ties, you reduce the number of sources that will trigger your memory of them and re-open the wound a little.

    Contrary to what you may hear, there is no good breakup. Many times it is for the best, but there's pain, resentment, anger, and depression underpinning everything and even if all the dramas stop along with the relationship, the whole thing just sucks. But if you keep your head high and always learn from the experience, it does get better. Hang tough!

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I agree with everything that was previously shared.
    What helped me was reading that - `the only to get over it was to go through it'

    In the past I would have distracted myself the entire time, never sitting still long enough to feel the pain and disappointment.
    As much as it's helpful to have some distractions, I will now set time aside to sit in the middle of it.
    Cry, vent, journal, process all the yucky stuff.

    It's always there waiting for you. You either deal with it or it deals with you, most times unexpectedly.

    Deliberately setting time aside was a little scary, the feelings were sometimes overwhelming when dealing with them head on. But at least for me, it seemed to move things along a little faster and in more thorough, almost cleansing like way.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I agree with everything that was previously shared.
    What helped me was reading that - `the only to get over it was to go through it'

    In the past I would have distracted myself the entire time, never sitting still long enough to feel the pain and disappointment.
    As much as it's helpful to have some distractions, I will now set time aside to sit in the middle of it.
    Cry, vent, journal, process all the yucky stuff.

    It's always there waiting for you. You either deal with it or it deals with you, most times unexpectedly.

    Deliberately setting time aside was a little scary, the feelings were sometimes overwhelming when dealing with them head on. But at least for me, it seemed to move things along a little faster and in more thorough, almost cleansing like way.
    So glad you said this, reinvent. It is indeed very important to process all emotions as they come through. Purge the negative emotions instead of repressing them to mainfest in other ways.

  11. #10
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    Something else I may suggest. I personally connect very well with music... it gives me context to anything I'm going through, triggers all kinds of emotions, and reminds me that other people feel the same sometimes. Something I've done with past breakups is an emotional version of "play through the pain." I'll put on a song that reminds me of my ex, and put it on repeat until I can just physically not cry anymore. This process took a lot more than one session of course. But eventually the time came - I'd hear the song and wouldn't cry... it would still remind me of her, yes, that can never change. But now it's a symbol of my resiliency and determination to soldier on, face emotions head on, and move forward. I wear that and the scars of past loves like badges of honor, the idea being "if that didn't kill me, nothing in the world can."


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