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Thread: Just seen my ex

  1. #1
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    Just seen my ex

    I was dumped over three years ago and have really struggled healing. I have just seen my ex with his new woman looking lovingly at her just like he used to look at me. He saw me and must have told her who I was as she turned and looked directly at me. Wow I feel so hurt and shaky. I have wanted him back so long and to see him looking like that at her has totally thrown me. She appeared on his Facebook some time after I was dumped. Feeling terrible. Any advice most welcome x

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Where did you run into them? At work or campus or around town? Is it possible to avoid him? Therapy and discontinuing making him the focal point of your life and the breakup the theme of your life is a good start. Get a checkup with a doctor. Being depressed for a third of a decade over a breakup indicates that you may need to get assessed for other underlying problems, that have nothing to do with him.

  3. #3
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    Have you dated others since?
    Why did you guys split?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lois111
    Any advice most welcome x
    It's coming up 17 months for me. The end of my marriage wounded me deeply to the point that I tried ending it all....Thankfully that didn't work :-/

    In the days, weeks and months that followed I strove to build a good life for myself to where now, although I think of her from time to time (it's her BDay tomorrow actually) and I know she's been with several guys since me, I'm pretty content with where I've got to and not too bothered whether she's single, married, happy or sad etc....although I do think there'll always be that underlying melancholy....

    My point being that if seeing your ex like that still affects you this much after so long, perhaps you aren't overly joyed with your own life as a whole....

    If that strikes a chord, what things do you want for your own life? What things would you like to change? What things CAN you change?

    The best 'revenge' if you will, is building yourself a good life....Doesn't have to be 'Happy Happy Joy Joy' every day, but just something you are proud of/content with....

    And lastly, when are you coming to see me...?? :)

    Keep It Movin' Lois*

    Carus xx

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  6. #5
    Member Flipp's Avatar
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    I'm only 10 months into the healing process of my BU and, as Carus* can testify to, I REALLY struggeled with the whole "meeting him"-thing. Now, my situation is quite different from yours, but still, I know the feeling, and it's a horrible one. It kind of feels like you're an animal that needs to constantly be on guard for danger. I would litterally flinch at the sight of a aimilar car, and as my ex drove a black Mercedes, I've developed a keen ability to spot Mercedes cars everywhere. *Sigh*. Still do that, even though I've managed to get past most of my axciety...

    My advice would be to follow up on what Carus is saying, and, if you can manage it - is there any way you can meet him/them in s situation that you feel powerful in? E.g I chose to turn up at my ex's gym at a time I knew he'd be there, and where I knew all the other people would react happily to seeing me. So I turned up, without him knowing I would, got a lot of "we miss you! Gym is not the same without you! Are you coming back?!" while he was watching, and then I just said hi, gave him a short greeting hug, and then left. I was shaking the whole way back to my car, but it actually shifted something in me. It was the first time I had seen him in 7 months. Thet became a huge accomplishment for me, and I learned that I was strong and in control. That might be a bit different to your thing, because it is his feelings for newgirl that you're reacting to, but still.

    AND - have you read The subtle art of not giving a fu*k? You should!! Magic fu*k-giving fairy dust for the win! I'm just saying!

  7. #6
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    Have you sought professional help? What a waste of your life to still be holding on to this.

    You were only together for a year, and still have not moved on in over 3+ years! Damn!

    I am assuming that you do not have much of a social life?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Have you sought professional help? What a waste of your life to still be holding on to this.

    You were only together for a year, and still have not moved on in over 3+ years! Damn!
    This x 2. That after 3 years you were still thinking you would get back together with him is obsessive and borders on stalking.

  9. #8
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    Carus gave you great advice 6 months ago. You even praised him for his great advice.

    Did you implement ANY of it?

  10. #9
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Maybe letting go of that social media tab on him is a good idea. If you didn't feel ready before, now's a good time. Your associations with this person haven't evolved and have remained stuck in time. It's usually a good idea to let things rest and give yourself time to breathe and explore your identity again after a relationship. You don't appear to have done this or reached a level where you've restored your faith and self-confidence in yourself. I met with two exes (whom I didn't need to meet up with) to catch up in the past. One event was not so easy and the second one was much smoother. Your sense of peace has to be restored despite whatever feelings of rejection and hurt you're going through. Pull through it and re-learn how to just "be" all over again.

    I learned to love myself a whole lot more after my break ups because I was forced to reconnect with myself again and again and again. I had no other choice but to face my flaws, the sadness of missed opportunities and broken dreams and re-build and re-learn my individual identity. I am who I am today because of those powerful events that transformed me and forced me to reconnect with myself.

    Don't be afraid. We all have our own timelines. We all move at our own speeds. The important part is continuing to learn and grow.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I learned to love myself a whole lot more after my break ups because I was forced to reconnect with myself again and again and again. I had no other choice but to face my flaws, the sadness of missed opportunities and broken dreams and re-build and re-learn my individual identity. I am who I am today because of those powerful events that transformed me and forced me to reconnect with myself.

    Don't be afraid. We all have our own timelines. We all move at our own speeds. The important part is continuing to learn and grow.

    This is such great, albeit cliche, advice. We do transform after a break up. We become a better version of ourselves if we confront our weaknesses. I know it doesn't seem like fun advice, but once you let go, you will be in a MUCH better spot going forward in life.

    Also, go easy on yourself...and your ex. :-) We all make mistakes...we all hurt and mess up in relationships. Each time we get better and better at them, as we experience new obstacles. There will be one day when you meet someone, and all of this hard work will have paid off because you know exactly how to act/react to problems that arise :-)

    It's difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it's there.


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