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Thread: Getting back with GF after 3 weeks apart and need advice on situation

  1. #1

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    Getting back with GF after 3 weeks apart and need advice on situation

    As a preface: my girlfriend and I moved in together - in to the house she owned - after about a month of dating. It was only supposed to be temporary as I had just changed jobs and was looking to move closer to where she lived so we could spend more time together. I couldn't find anything so she offered for me to stay in her guest room for a month, with my stuff in her basement storage, and then I'd move out when I could find something close by. About a month later I managed to find a place but she told me that she loved having me there, the other roommates loved having me there (she has like 7 roommates as she rents out all the rooms for profit), and she asked me to stay. By then we were basically living in the same room and sleeping in the same bed anyways so I said yes; probably not the best idea.

    Over the course of the next 5 months we started to develop some issues with the relationship and it caused me to withdraw and neglect her. I was never overly mean to her - and certainly never abused her in anyway - but she would show me affection and I wouldn't return it in kind. We had 3 main issues that were causing this rift (one related to living there, another about the nature of our relationship, and a huge third one that is the crux of this whole thing and I'll get to in a minute). The initial two issues - in hindsight - were not the catalyst for the break up and are not an issue in terms of us getting back together.

    The third issue: A guy moved into the master bedroom - the most expensive room in the house - and at first he was cool with me and we all hung out fine. About a month after moving in, however, his demeanor towards me changed to pure hostility for absolutely no reason. He would either give me the cold shoulder or straight up be a total a$$. It finally got to the point where I brought it up to my g/f - the landlord - and asked what was going on. She told me that he had been going behind my back talking mad smack about me (how he doesn't even view me as a man and blah blah) and hitting on her. She turned him down - as she wasn't interested in him and was with me - and so he got resentful and was acting that way towards me. This went on for a few more weeks until the point where he was nearly physically violent with me over something I didn't even do. I finally told her that it was an untenable situation and that he had to move out (she only does month to month leases for roommates). She told me that I was being childish, that it didn't fit her 'threshold' for kicking him out, that he was handy around the house (he does work for her in return for cheaper rent) and that it was just a bit of the 'tude'. This, coupled with the other 2 issues, brought it to the point where I decided to move out to get out of the toxic environment. I ended up bringing all of my issues up to her in an argument after I had enough - all issues she doesn't even consider valid - and she responded with "we can agree to disagree or we can break up". I told her I didn't think our relationship could survive me moving out if the issues weren't addressed (mainly the 3rd issue with the guy as the other two have now been addressed to my satisfaction). She took that as me abruptly breaking up with her and kicked me out of the house the next day onto the street. While I was living in my car - and crashing at friends places - looking for a new place to move in we decided to give it another shot but she told me that I couldn't move back in or even stay in the guest room until the end of the month (the break up happened around the 15th). That caused another issues and harsh words were said between us both and bridges were burned.

    I ended up finding a new place and moving into it and was planning on trying again with her - as I knew that she still had feelings for me and I had feelings for her - but that all got railroaded when a mutual friend told me that she was dating the same very guy who moved into the house. As you can imagine this was devastating for me to find out. I confronted her - via chat - about it and she denied that she was seeing anyone at all and was surprised I'd even bring up his name. At the exact same time I was chatting with her, she contacted the mutual friend VERY upset that he had told me about it and insisted that it was friends with benefits only. He, of course, let me know this and I confronted her with that and said some really really harsh stuff that I wish I could take back. After a few days, we ended up talking again and decided that we cared too much about one another to throw away what we had and that both of us had issues and made mistakes. She promised me that what happened between her and that guy was over, that she never wanted anything remotely like a relationship with him, that my neglect ran her into the arms of another man, and that it will never happen again as I am the one who has her heart.

    I can deal with that. As much as it hurts she didn't technically cheat on me and I really did say some horrible horrible stuff to her (with a lot of "I never want to see you again I'm going to block you on everything how dare you debase yourself like this we're done forever"). I can imagine she was very upset and that guy was looking for the opportunity; it still makes me sick to my stomach that it happened and that it was with him.

    Here is the issue though: they're still friends and he still lives in the house. I ended up moving out - despite never really wanting to - and he is still living there which means that he gets to see her way more than I do. On top of that, how am I supposed to be OK with being over there while he is around? I believe her that there is nothing between them and that it was just friends with benefits and that it won't happen again while we're together. Still: would anyone be OK with their girlfriend living in the house with the guy she slept with - multiple times - while you were broken up for a matter of weeks? On top of that, he isn't going to change his attitude towards me or stop trying to break up our relationship.

    I initially asked her to confirm that it was done and she said "It is done and it will never happen again" and then that was that from her. I met up with her a few days ago, at the house, and she was super tired from work so we just cuddled for a few hours. I'm supposed to go there tomorrow where she tells me that she wants to sleep with me but how can I manage that when this guy is living upstairs and I will likely run into him? I messaged her today to ask her to throw out any condoms she had in the house and that I would buy new ones. When we broke up, we were out so any that she has at the house she bought for him. I also didn't want to see how many were left in the box because I don't know how many times they did it and lord knows I don't ever want to know. All she said was "sure!". I told her that it may seem silly but that I'm still really struggling with this issue (him and her) and her response was just "No worries. I understand".

    If I tell her that he is too much of an issue - given everything that has happened - I know she will give me the same b.s. about how it doesn't cross her threshold for kicking him out. I'm even afraid she'll tell me that they're friends (they are). Every single person I've spoken to about this - without fail - has told me that she is being unreasonable if she really cares about me and wants this relationship to work (she claims she does) or that it's a straight up deal breaker. Keep in mind: a bunch of people have moved in and out during the entirety of our relationship. There is nothing special about him being there other than he cooks for people (part of his job), helps her around the house (for reduced rent) and always has weed. He is also only on a month to month lease and it would be SUPER easy to replace the room he is in.

    Am I being unreasonable to think that this is going to continue being a problem in our relationship and if it's going to work out he has to go? I have a 6 month lease at my new place and we even spoke about me moving back in after the 6 months as it will be a much more reasonable time - in our relationship - for us to live together. How am I supposed to move in and live side by side with this constant reminder of what happened - all while he's being a royal D-bag to me trying to steal my girlfriend? On top of that: how do I personally come to grips with this? I saw a guy at the gas station the other day who looked a lot like him and i started shaking with hurt/anger. I haven't even seen him since all this happens and I have no idea how I am ever supposed to. She lives with him (and 6 other people), they're still friends, and yet there is no person on this planet that I despise more than him. I really truly hate his guts. How do we square that?

    I apologize for the length. I really do care about her - and want a relationship - and she really does care about me. She just doesn't always rationalize things the right way (and even admits it) and I don't understand how she can tell me she wants this relationship and yet expect me to have to deal with this?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Stay away from this madhouse and everyone in it, including this exgf. You'll thank yourself. Enjoy your new place. Try to stabilize your finances and living situation and when ready, start talking to and meeting women who don't sleep with their tenants.

  3. #3
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    First of all you moved in way too quickly which you seem to acknowledge which is good.

    I don't think you are being unreasonable. She can easily move him out and replace him. Whilst I don't think you should have demanded that she throw him out before they slept together, she should have given him his notice of her own free will. I would not put a roommate before my partner.

    She doesn't seem to particularly care about how her situation and sleeping with him makes you feel. I find it strange that she's keeping him around after their fling and expects you to be fine with it. Odd.

    TLDR - too much too soon, I don't think she's that invested or even sounds like a good partner. I'd wish her the best and cut all contact and look forward to my new life.

  4. #4
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    I am sorry for you passing through this situation. From all what you described, it doesnít seem that your gf cares nearly half you care for her.
    From the beginning of the entire situation she has been acting unreasonable, firstly because she didnít take that guy out of the house, secondly and most important that she slept with him only few weeks after your breakup(this is unacceptable in my opinion) and presently she doesnít seem to care about your feelings and about your relationship by continuing to keep him in the house.
    If she cares that much, she should prove this to you.
    Didnít you have a serious discussion with her about your feelings, especially regarding the fwb part? She seemes really superficial or purposely ignorant in the messages she sent you as a reply. If she doesnít understand your feelings and frustrations, she is really not worth your efforts anymore.
    You tend to excuse her and put her in good light more than she deserves, because you have feelings for her and you want her back, but does she care the same about you? For her behaviour she seems to do the contrary.
    You should clearly talk to her about all problems and if she doesnít understand it means she doesnít really care. This is not such a minor issue you two are dealing with.

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  6. #5

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    I did ask her to kick him out immediately. It wasn't until his attitude progressed to near violence (and would have gotten to that point). At one point his dog jumped out of an open window, that another roommate opened, and ran away. He immediately confronted me about it and when I told him that no only did I not do it, I wasn't even there when it was done and didn't even know it happened, he just stood right in my face shaking with his fists clenched for about 20 seconds. I mean he was literally shaking with anger at me trying to hold himself back from hitting me despite the fact that I had nothing to do with it. Do you think he acted that way towards the roommate who actually did it? Nope. Nothing. He saw an opportunity to be pissed at me and took it.

    I really do care about her but it is driving me insane that she thinks that this is a totally fine healthy situation. I'm sure, in her mind, she justifies it as us having been broke up, my neglect led me to him, it's over, so I should just be OK. I mean it happened days after we broke up and we were only apart for about 3 weeks. How is anyone - and I mean ANYONE - supposed to ever be OK with this situation? It drives me insane that she expects this of me. It's not that she doesn't care about me, it's that she doesn't rationalize these things the way other people do. She has told me before she has an issue where she doesn't take into consideration other people's feelings, that she is less emotional than most (and lets stuff like this just roll off of her) and she is heavily bi-polar (takes a lot of medication for it too) which could have something to do with it.

    I just wish she'd reach out to literally anyone and ask them objectively if this is a good situation because I have a feeling she just thinks it's an issue of incompatibility between us when, in reality, it's an issue of incompatibility between her and almost every single other person on this planet. I doubt she would be even remotely OK with it were the situation reversed (and I know this other dude wouldn't be even close to OK with it since he came nearly to blows just over me already being in a relationship with her before he even met her).

  7. #6

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    Originally Posted by Highsky
    and most important that she slept with him only few weeks after your breakup(this is unacceptable in my opinion) and presently she doesnít seem to care about your feelings and about your relationship by continuing to keep him in the house.
    She slept with him within days of us breaking up, not weeks. We've only been apart for about 3 weeks.

    I know it's not a minor issue that we're dealing with and I know that if I bring it up to her she'll just blow it off like it is. She will literally tell me that her living with the guy she slept with - multiple times - days after we broke up is not an issue since we were broken up despite having lived together and been in a relationship for 6 months days prior to it happening. Like somehow my feelings for her during that time went away completely and came back and there is just a hole of not-caring that exists during that time period.

    She even casually just brings him up in conversation like he is just some random roomy there at the house. She understands that I am upset about this and now knows not to mention him but I think she figures this is an issue I have to get over and in a months time we'll all be sitting down around the table just grabbing a bite to eat like pals. She doesn't seem to understand that he tried to steal her away from me, slept with her, and that I hate him more than words can ever describe.

  8. #7
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    OP you can wish that she see things from your perspective all day long but she doesn't want too or is just completely ignorant. You are on a hiding to nothing with this girl. Nothing good will come from being with her. Shes either ignorant, doesnt care about you or its just her bloody minded personality, either way it spells failure.


    Deep down she enjoys the attention from him and that feeling takes more importance than your relationship. Says it all.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, he didn't "steal her away", she willingly and happily slept with him as well as got him into the house. It's not about him. Reconsider her as far as gf material goes.
    Originally Posted by confibi
    She slept with him within days of us breaking up, not weeks. She doesn't seem to understand that he tried to steal her away from me, slept with her, and that I hate him more than words can ever describe.

  10. #9

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    Originally Posted by ninjabib
    OP you can wish that she see things from your perspective all day long but she doesn't want too or is just completely ignorant. You are on a hiding to nothing with this girl. Nothing good will come from being with her. Shes either ignorant, doesnt care about you or its just her bloody minded personality, either way it spells failure.


    Deep down she enjoys the attention from him and that feeling takes more importance than your relationship. Says it all.
    Unfortunately, you're right that this is her personality. I'll let in on the other 2 issues we had. Issue 1 was us living together. When she asked me to stay I said OK but that I needed a place of my own within the house as everything I owned was in the basement - aside from my PC, PS4, my guitars, and some clothes - so I asked her to let me rent out the guest room as no one ever uses it and it would give her more money since her house is a 'business'. She flat out told me no because she advertises that the house has a guest room. I tried to explain to her that not a single person moved in because there was a guest room, that no one would refuse to move in if there wasn't a guest room, and that the guest room was only ever used once by a friend of hers from Canada when she visited for 2 days. She still told me no. She honestly expected me to live there full time, sleep in her room (which was entirely full of her stuff and had zero space for mine) and still pay rent despite everything I owned being in the basement.

    The second issue was that we never do anything together. In 6 months together, we never went on a single date. The only time that we went out to eat together is when her parents demanded to meet me (they loved me, of course, who wouldn't love a sucker like me). We never went on anything else even remotely resembling a date in that entire time. I would constantly bring it up to her and she would tell me that we have an 'unconventional' relationship and that she prefers it that way. After pushing enough she told me that we didn't have the money for it (she makes 2k USD per month from just roommates and 90k a year from her job. I have a fulltime job that nets me 80k working in IT; it's laughably absurd). She is heavily bi-polar and would spend entire days just laying in bed without getting up (literally 2 days straight) followed by 2 days on craigslisit buying every single piece of worthless furniture she could find (half of which she would turn around and sell literally the next day because she didn't want it anymore). We had the argument about doing NOTHING together one day as we were driving to the goodwill store to pick up 200 dollars worth of knick knacks and furniture (picture frames and wall hangings and other garbage). I brought it up to her that our only 'dates' were driving around picking up off of curbs while I was holding a 200 dollar receipt for pictures frame and useless junk furniture and she still told me we don't have the money - to even go out to dinner together. Yet whenever I would go grab food - from the very restaurants I wanted her to go out to eat with me at - she would EASILY hand me a 20 dollar bill to help pay for her part; she's even insist that I take it. She also smokes weed from literally the moment she wakes up to the moment she sleeps EVERYDAY.

    When I brought up these 2 things to her - as well as the dude who moved into the house - she told me that not only didn't she care but that she didn't even view that as legitimate issues as issues are "people vomiting or pipes bursting" (i.e. things of a practical nature). This is despite constantly sitting me down through our relationship telling me she doesn't know how I feel about her and we need better communication with one another and to express our emotions (i.e. 'issues' of a non-practical nature just like the ones I was bringing up). When I pushed hard enough she said "i don't view these as issues and nothing will be done about them and we can agree to disagree or break up". That is when I told her that I didn't think our relationship would last me moving out. She took that as me breaking up with her abruptly and used it as a justification for kicking me out of the house onto the street and sleeping with this guy. After the first time we decided to get back together i asked her if I could at least stay in the guest room until the end of the month so I could find another place and she said absolutely not. She even went as far as to tell me that sleeping homeless in my car was "adulting real hard" and "a good idea".

    She claims that we just have a difference of opinion on these matters and yet I firmly believe that - likely in large part due to her mental illness issues - she has a disagreement with basic human nature and likely the opinion of every other person on this planet were they asked the same things I am asking here.

    Unfortunately, she isn't the type of person to go out and seek other's opinions and ask "hey: am I being EXTREMELY irrational here?" She just views her form of 'rationality' as just as valid - if not incompatible - as mine. I keep explaining to her that she will never find someone she can have a relationship with if she thinks this is the way you act in one but I honestly don't think she cares.

    Also unfortunate: I am the type who doesn't give up easily and gets too attached. Outside of this forum, there isn't a single person - including all of our mutual friends - who thinks I should pursue getting back together and they all have said multiple times that I am 100% right in thinking this dude being there - or in our lives at all after this - is unacceptable. None of them - and I'm sure none of the people reading this here - would objectively accept it. And I know I shouldn't but I have trouble letting go. I get real depressed when things don't work out.

  11. #10
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    Now you have written all that does it make sense to continue to chase a relationship with that person? I doubt she will ever change and furthermore i don't think she will ever want too.

    Wiseman above post was correct too. She was no victim, she was more than willing so please don't see him as the bad person in this. Your ex lets him stay there and willingly sleeps/slept with him.

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