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Thread: Wanting to Try Again

  1. #1

    Wanting to Try Again

    Hi, I'm new to the forums and am really glad that I found them! I saw that there were a good many posts and replies about getting back together with exes, and a good many people have some success stories, so I figured this is a good place to go, where I won't really feel judged like I do by my friends (who are just wanting to protect me I guess). This is going to be a long story, so I'll put a TLDR at the end! I tried posting this earlier but I was on my phone, so I guess it didn't go through. I probably am over-detailed because I was an English major and am getting my Master's in Journalism right now, haha.

    TW: suicide attempt mention, self harm mention

    So, back in December my boyfriend unexpectedly moved back to his hometown within two days due to what he said was mental health reasons. This, of course, through me into a good bit of shock because I left his place that afternoon to him saying that the worst case scenario would be him moving back, and came back that evening to see him packing nearly all of his stuff away. That caused me to have a bit of a break down, and I ended up throwing my phone across my room in a moment of just pure emotional drain. I've never acted like this, but with something this big happening in combination with getting use to two new medications, it just kind of happened. I apologized for that later, and explained that it was just a lot on me and I had missed a dosage due to needing a prescription refill. Anyway, we both agreed we were determined to stay together, and it would all work out.

    I visited him for New Year's and a few days after, which was great (especially because he was my first NYE kiss). However, we did get into a bit of a spat NYE night because he told a girl he use to have a thing with his supposed plans he had made for the upcoming semester. I felt hurt that he could talk to a girl he use to fool around with what was going on, but not me. He told me that he was lying to her, which was true. We had a tearful conversation about everything going on, and I was a bit harsh with commenting on things, but we both ended it realizing that we were in love with each other. We had a nice ride back in uber with a driver that kept telling us how lucky we were to have each other, and how he saw a great future for us. We talked a bit more about his plans later in my visit and I was happy with the progress he'd made, and so proud of him. I got really upset when I was leaving to go back home though, and cried a lot, which I feel bad about.

    Things were pretty normal once I got back home, we talked everyday like usual. However, one day I ended up blowing up at him pretty severely for doing what seemed to be deciding on an entire plan forward in a few hours one day. I hate myself for the way I behaved, I texted him too much angry and said hurtful things over the phone. Like I said, I never have done things like this before, and I was still struggling to find the right medications, which I truly think has a lot to do with it, not trying to make excuses because I still constantly blame myself. We made up, and moved on though. We got into a disagreement the next day too. Again, we made up. Things were pretty normal after that, aside from me talking to him about my depression which was really flaring up at the time.

    We had our sixth month anniversary a few weeks later, and spent it together the best we could apart. We both sent each other stuff. I sent him a nice gift basket, and he sent me the most beautiful and perfectly me flower arrangement that had a card that said, "I have so much love in my heart for you". We watched a movie together that night by screen-sharing, and it was a good day. That weekend, he was telling me how his first priority once he got his schedule settled was to come and see me. He told me how much he loved me so many times that week, and how ready he was to see me as much as he could. However, a few days later, everything changed. One morning, I called him to wish him good luck at his first day of classes. He told me how much he loved me and that he looked forward to telling me about his day later that night. We had normal conversation during the day, including him being kind and having me take care of myself after getting blood taken. Then all of a sudden that afternoon, he text me that he wanted to talk that night. Then that night, he broke up with me out of no where. I was completely taken aback and heartbroken. He couldn't give me any actual answers whenever I asked for elaboration on things, and it made no sense at all. He opened the conversation telling me how much he loved me and appreciates me. He also told me we'd "reconvene in a couple of months" about getting back together, and that he was going to spend that night crying in bed. So, this has all been very confusing.

    Come to find out, my supposed "friends" had a lot of involvement in the breakup. First, apparently when it was happening, my roommate was texting our mutual friend about what was going on, and lied to her that I threw my phone during it, which I didn't (unfortunately it cracked falling on my floor the same day this happened, so she made her won correlation). That mutual friend went on to tell others, and it kept going on. They all ended up talking to my boyfriend, and started convincing him to break up with me. I found out through another friend that my "best friend" had been trash talking my boyfriend all last semester, then moved to trash talking me this semester. Back in November, I had a suicide attempt due to being prescribed the wrong medication for a health condition. While I was in the hospital, my "best friend" and the mutual friend who my roommate would later text were talking to my mother and trash talking both me and my boyfriend. My supposed best-friend said he'd "have a talk with that boy (my boyfriend). He'll listen to me" about us being together, and telling each other that we love each other. They told my mom that I didn't do enough for my roommate, and that I didn't appreciate her enough when I payed all of the utilities for our apartment, and did something nice for her whenever she did something to help me. My roommate later had a sit down conversation with me that was essentially her being jealous that I showed my boyfriend more attention than I did her (which wasn't true, and even if it was of course that happens?), and how "she knows that to me the sun shine's out of [name]'s ass", which was honestly really rude. My boyfriend was the only person who really was there for me during times of need. I also found out that the friends who trash-talked to my mom went around BLAMING my boyfriend for my suicide attempt in person to people, and they also blamed my health conditions on him. (I have Psychogenetic-Non Epileptic Spells, which are stress-induced episodes that resemble seizures). They were really caused by being overworked as a graduate student and working in the service industry, and being stretched to complete assignments. Along with all this, my "best friend" wasn't there for me at all after the breakup, and all of my friends knew it was a possibility that was coming. My "best friend" never even contacted me after the breakup, aside from getting his PS4 he lent me back, and deleted me on Snapchat. Him and the mutual friend who was told about the argument were the main ones influencing my boyfriend to break up with me. They went around trash talking me and even called me a verbal abuser. One of them even told my close friend not to comfort me the night I was broken up with. I was completely isolated, and finding out I'd been called a verbal abuser caused me to relapse on self-harm. I'm honestly probably forgetting stuff, but I think that's the gist of it. I know it all sounds like a bad teen drama movie, but it's unfortunately my reality.

    Anyway, about a month after the break up, I sent him a handwritten letter explaining my confusion, apologizing for everything, and telling him why I thought he was a great person. I even nicely decorated the envelope and included some stuff from one of his favorite local shops, just to be nice. I found out he did receive it, because my "best friend" and another friend visited him for part of Spring Break (which was crushing to me, as we were suppose to spend it together). He said he wasn't in the right place to respond, which my therapist and mother say I should look at a positive. Long story short, I still want to try to work things out with him. I've honestly never been upset over a break-up, and I still feel a strong connection to him (which both of our mothers have mentioned to us without even knowing much about our relationship). My mother said that she saw us ending up together years ago when I barely knew him, and we hung out for an afternoon because we were in the same town over summer. There are so many things that connect us together, which I know sounds dumb, but it just seems like some universe fate stuff. I know I sound ridiculous with that, but I just can't help feeling like we're pushed together by the world. I feel so dumb by not being able to get over him, which some of my friends tell me to do, and others understand how I feel. I have some belief in my mother's intuition, as it always seems to be right (even though I hate that it does sometimes), and she still says we're meant to be. Again, I know some of this sounds really dumb, but it's just my view of the world, I suppose. I believe the universe sends us signs, and I've seen so many things linked to him. I'm also writing this fueled by only 36 oz of coffee right now, so forgive me. I just genuinely love this person, and know I'm not the only one who goes through this based on this site!

    If anyone has any advice, or stories they'd contribute, it's greatly appreciated. I'm so sorry for how much this is, and again, I just feel so dumb.

    TLDR; Boyfriend moved unexpectedly, broke up a month or so later, found out friends were influencing him, and I want to work things out with him.

  2. #2
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    How long has it been since the letter? How long has it been since he's told you he wasn't in the right place to respond? I think the ball is in his court right now. I'd be patient on his response. Sounds like either way, if he does respond and if you two ever do decide to reconcile you two should work things out with better communication and work on trust, etc.

    I'm not going to tell you to move on because that's ultimately up to you and I do understand how you feel about the connection. However, you should think about the situation more carefully and determine whether these issues are resolvable but also he has to be willing to give it another go too.

    Also, it sounds like your friends are too involved in your relationship. I'm sure you or he have gone to your friends in the past to vent or to ask for advice, etc. I know that's what friends are for sometimes but sometimes we can share too much with our friends to the point where it can unintentionally cause more harm than good. If you two reconcile in the future I would advise against going to mutual friends especially on these issues and instead communicate more effectively with your partner. If things don't work out... Remember this for whenever you enter your next relationship. Friends should be there for support and it's okay for them to want to protect or to disagree, etc but they shouldn't be the ones to interfere. Only way that cab stop for sure is by being more careful with whom you trust and how much information to share.

  3. #3
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    You have said repeatedly that youíve never acted this way before.
    Yet in this post you have described 3 instances in which you have.

    Your bf moved away within a few months of you dating for his mental health reasons.
    Yet all you speak of is your mental health issues and no mention of his.

    I donít think your friends are protecting you by becoming involved , I think they are protecting him first and foremost.

    You donít sound stable enough to be able to maintain a relationship, so itís in your best interest to actually sort yourself out first and become stable and happy while single.

    Getting back with him before you do that is not good for either of you. And will not have a positive outcome. Sorry!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this happened. He gave you a sincere explanation why he can't continue a relationship and why he doesn't want to get back together. Respect his wishes and let him recover and deal with his issues in peace.

    Focus on your own health and mental heath issues and therapy. Consider getting to a doctor to rule out medically treatable mood or anxiety issues. Try to pursue a healthier lifestyle and healthier interpersonal boundaries. Perhaps journaling could help you in sorting all this out.
    Originally Posted by MoonWitch
    This is going to be a long story. I probably am over-detailed because I was an English major and am getting my Master's in Journalism right now.I'm also writing this fueled by only 36 oz of coffee right now

    December my boyfriend unexpectedly moved back to his hometown within two days due to what he said was mental health reasons.

    I sent him a handwritten letter explaining my confusion, apologizing for everything, and telling him why I thought he was a great person.

    He said he wasn't in the right place to respond.

  5.  

  6. #5
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    Well just reading about this situation made me want to get some space! I have mental health issues too and this is all very very heavy going.

    Just to re-iterate what others have said. There's nothing more you can do. If he wants to reach out and try again he will.

    Too much drama, too much involvement of friends and family. It's all just too much.

    You both need help for your individual issues and I hope you can get it. I would actually forget about a relationship with anybody until you can get in a better place for yourself otherwise any relationship is doomed to failure.


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