Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 19

Thread: is it normal to have the "do you trust me" talk in beginning of relationships?

  1. #1
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Omaha
    Posts
    293
    Gender
    Female

    is it normal to have the "do you trust me" talk in beginning of relationships?

    I am just curious to see if its considered "normal" to have the "do you trust me" "i wont cheat on you" "i wont break your trust" conversation/reassurance at the beginning of relationships or if its simply just implied when the relationship is right?

    Is it a red flag to have conversations regarding trust/cheating in the first few months of being official?

  2. #2
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    72
    I can't imagine having those types of conversations early in a relationship because you don't know each other well enough. But then again, how do you define the beginning of a relationship? I figure you're talking about the first few dates.

    But after a few months? Sure, if something came up, such as finding out your partner is communicating regularly with his or her ex, the "do you trust me" talk might naturally take place.

  3. #3
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Omaha
    Posts
    293
    Gender
    Female
    i meant like the first few months after making it "official" -- after the dating period

  4. #4
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    72
    Originally Posted by BCC123
    i meant like the first few months after making it "official" -- after the dating period
    If the right context arose, yes, I think it's a normal conversation.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    9,616
    Gender
    Female
    Noooo....huge red flag. Massive red flag.

    Normal people don't have those kinds of conversations. An honest person is just..honest. It doesn't occur to them to try to convince you that they are honest because they just are in their very being and actions. There is nothing to discuss about that. Besides, these kinds of things....you can only observe over time and come up with your own judgment. Talking doesn't make it real or true. Cheaters/liars/manipulators/conmen, however, often have these types of conversations, make these kinds of odd promises in an attempt to pull wool over your eyes, to verbally reassure you and sell you on this idea of comfort. A case of "he told he me isn't a cheater, so he couldn't possibly be cheating."

    Personally, I'd drop the guy cold after hearing that and run like the wind. In fact, I'd run so fast, he wouldn't even see the dust settling in the distance.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    9,732
    Gender
    Female
    That would weird me out. Either way, if you or he are interested in something serious and committed, being faithful is basically a given. Not sure why someone would need to literally spell it out for you several different ways.

    I would see if you could get him to talk about where all that came from.

    My sense is he's there has been some messy infidelity in his life and he is a insecure about it. His bringing it up feels like he's baiting you into reciprocating the same to reassure him. That or he's guilty of it.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    9,732
    Gender
    Female
    posts like this remind me of a funny analogy:

    ~someone gets pulled over by the police for a minor traffic violation and when the officer walks up to the car window the driver exclaims "No officer, there is not a dead body in the trunk!!"

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,144
    Gender
    Male
    All I hear in all that is a lot of unresolved pain and insecurity being flung about under the guise of intimacy, drama fronting as depth.

    The way I see it is: You date to feel someone out, and you commit to a relationship when you’ve decided you trust them, and are confident in the connection.

    No one can really make these promises at the end of the day. People obsessed with having these conversations, and saying lofty things like “I’ll never break your trust”—well, it just doesn’t sit well to me. Sounds insincere. Sounds like a lack of confidence. Sounds like a performance. A bit like “I’m scared of getting hurt.”

    But that’s just me. Everyone has different needs, different dynamics they’re seeking.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    8,979
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    All I hear in all that is a lot of unresolved pain and insecurity being flung about under the guise of intimacy, drama fronting as depth.

    The way I see it is: You date to feel someone out, and you commit to a relationship when you’ve decided you trust them, and are confident in the connection.

    No one can really make these promises at the end of the day. People obsessed with having these conversations, and saying lofty things like “I’ll never break your trust”—well, it just doesn’t sit well to me. Sounds insincere. Sounds like a lack of confidence. Sounds like a performance. A bit like “I’m scared of getting hurt.”

    But that’s just me. Everyone has different needs, different dynamics they’re seeking.
    Beat me to it! Esp the bolded but all of it really.

    I've never had that type of convo in any of my relationships, and if a man ever fed me such lines, I wouldn't believe him. As blue said, it sounds disingenuous and insincere.

    If there is anything I've learned, it's that there are never any guarantees, with dating, relationships, even marriage imo.

    All two people can hope and strive for is to learn and grow together, trust each other and have faith in their connection, love and commitment to each other.

    That's about it.

    Any promises "I will never leave you, never lie to you, never break your trust" i would seriously take w a pinch of salt.

  11. #10
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    72
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    posts like this remind me of a funny analogy:

    ~someone gets pulled over by the police for a minor traffic violation and when the officer walks up to the car window the driver exclaims "No officer, there is not a dead body in the trunk!!"
    I must be misunderstanding the OP. Using this analogy, then yes, it's not normal to have the "trust" conversation no matter how old the relationship is. However, I viewed the OP's question the following way:

    Someone gets pulled over by the police for a minor traffic violation, but when the officer walks up to the car window, the cop has his/her gun drawn yelling "throw your gun out of the window then slowly exit the vehicle with your hands up!" To which the innocent driver replies "I don't have a gun on my person or in this vehicle, I swear!"

    So in the above modified analogy, I think it's perfectly normal, in the right context, to proclaim your innocence or that you can be trusted. For instance, let's say you're in a new relationship with someone and they have just broken up with their ex because the ex cheated on them. Then one day, your partner sees you on social media doing something completely innocent and gets upset. You ask what's up and your partner says her/his ex started using social media to find someone to have an affair with and seeing you on social media brought back unpleasant flashbacks. I think it would be perfectly normal to say you wouldn't do that and that they can trust you not to do that.

    Am I missing something here?

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •