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Thread: is it normal to have the "do you trust me" talk in beginning of relationships?

  1. #11
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I can't speak for everyone but IMHO, no, it's not "normal" to question "do you trust me" and have conversation / reassurance from the beginning with "I won't cheat on your trust." It's a huge red flag for these topics to be broached if you can't intuitively trust your partner to begin with. If you have to second guess your partner early on and have suspicions about him / her, your relationship with him / her is already doomed from the start. Actions speak louder than words which takes time to observe over the course of the friendship / relationship. You watch your partner regarding how they behave overall towards you and others. Those are tell tell signs and then you can breathe a sigh of relief knowing you can trust your partner as if your life depended on it. Trust is all about KNOWING your partner always has your back without question. Absolutely. And no doubt whatsoever. That's when you just KNOW from deep within your bones. No explanation necessary.

  2. #12
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    no - not missing anything! i was just curious - wasnt really asking for a specific situation

    my boyfriend and i made things official not long ago - we have had convos about past relationships since our pasts are so diff - mine are back to back pretty long term relationships (3 total) and he only had one long term one a few years back, some short term ones that he ended up getting cheated on during

    so he never out right was like "hey btw i will never cheat on you" it was like ive always been a faithful person and i wouldnt hurt you. he actually never said anything of the sort. i was wondering if what i said was a red flag.

    also came up when discussing what we were looking for while dating - as in long term relationship. like yeah im looking for something serious and i take it very seriously.

    ive had trust issues in the past, even though ive never been cheated on. we're really open with each other i just get jealous. he says hes more so jealous of my past and that is something he does in the beginning but will get over quickly. i get jealous once i get serious and i eventually get over it but it takes me a while. we've discussed these things.

    i agree that these discussions came up more so on an insecurity level, where he was wanting reassurance, wanting to feel me out to see how i would react to it .. etc etc

  3. #13
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    I think making such verbal promises sets up a certain expectation and adds unnecessary pressure to a relationship, that is best developed gradually, naturally, organically without such grand announcements.

    Let your love and trust through action be your guide, I can tell you in all honesty, my trust in a man has never increased just cause he "tells" me I can trust him, no matter what the circumstance.

    In fact, typically in my experiences, when a man has gone out of his way to tell me "you can trust me, I'll never leave you, hurt you, etc" the exact opposite has happened.

    Just my experience but when men say these things, it's more like they're trying to convince themselves because they know they've been guilty of such things in the past (lying, cheating, breaking trust).

    That said, Littler if it works for you in your relationships, then more power to ya, I mean that!

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    So it sounds like what you're both doing a bit is making jealousy part of your bond. You're jealous in scenario X, he's jealous in scenario Y, and you guys talk about this and from there soothe each other a bit.

    A lot of people function like this—and I suppose it can feel a lot like being vulnerable, or maybe it even is a form of vulnerability.

    For me—and this is just me—that sort of thing never sits well. I'm not a particularly jealous person, though I am, of course, a human. If someone wants to leave me, they'll leave me. If they want to cheat, they'll cheat. I'll live on just fine, as I've been in both those situations. Neither are the end of the world, just the sad ending of one chapter that tends to lead, in time, to the exciting beginning of another.

    And like Katrina said, in my experience it's been the people I've dated who are most jealous and possessive who've turned out to be the least trustworthy, the ones prone to cheating. Not making a blanket statement there, but it's what I've seen, and not just in my own narrow slice of life.

    If I feel certain feelings—jealously, possessiveness, anxiety—I generally view them either (a) a sign that I need to shore up my own foundation or (b) a sign that something inside the relationship is not working. The latter will lead to some kind of talk with my partner, but the former will just lead me to hit the waves, read a book, do some pushups—something that reminds me of my own solidity so I can be a solid partner and connect from a place of security rather than assurance.

    Not sure any of that helps. Exciting to hear you're in a new thing! One day at a time...

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  6. #15
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    This to me is a huge red flag!

    No one in a comfortable trusting relationship ever asks “would you cheat on me?”
    And likewise even without the question raised would they say “I would never cheat on you”

    Someone saying “I would never cheat on you” is not actually making a statement , they are basically warning you not to cheat on them.

    I have in my past had 2 relationships where I was cheated on and more where I wasn’t. (At least not to my knowledge lol)
    Both those guys that cheated on me told me they would never cheat on me or hurt me etc without me prompting discussion. Ironic ?!

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Generally any ultra positive character traits that are volunteered verbally on the outset with such gusto are a bit suspect. People prove their abilities and worth with time. It goes both ways in a relationship. If there is some context or some other reason for the discussion (as I'm sure there are plenty), it really depends on how flexible and compatible you both are in engaging with each other and what you both take out of the conversation. Some couples know how to laugh more and others are better at breaking each other down. You have to learn what's best for you over time individually and as a new couple, what stresses or complications you're willing to take on and how you wish to interpret your world around you.

    Regarding your personal situation, I wouldn't second guess myself so much if I were you, OP. Things will level out with time and you should trust in the abilities of both you and your boyfriend in finding ways to make things work and enjoying your relationship together. Don't self-sabotage. There is always a trial and error period especially in the beginning when you're both testing the waters and discovering new things about each other or your limits in a relationship. I wouldn't overanalyze at this point. Keep your eyes and ears open and learn about each other. Remember that whatever you learn is also not set in stone. Leave room for growth and evolution of the relationship over time within whatever existing boundaries you have in place.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by BCC123
    I am just curious to see if its considered "normal" to have the "do you trust me" "i wont cheat on you" "i wont break your trust" conversation/reassurance at the beginning of relationships or if its simply just implied when the relationship is right?

    Is it a red flag to have conversations regarding trust/cheating in the first few months of being official?
    Red flag yes. Usually indicates a someone has a guilty conscience and is overcompensating by trying to convince their partner and themselves that they won’t act out.

    Trust is earned over time and watching to see if someone behaves with integrity and their actions match their words... the words on their own don’t mean much.

  9. #18
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    I agree with most sentiments so far. Trust can only be shown through time and action.

    Would anyone really expect the answer to a partner asking "will you cheat on me" to be "mmm... yeah, probably." No. So it's just a question that serves no purpose and makes everyone uncomfortable.

    I'd smell a rat and consider discontinuing the relationship.

  10. #19
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    Super interesting discussion.

    I would say i let trust develop over time through observance of actions, especially consistency in actions.

    It seems like a no brainer that having a conversation overall stems from a place of insecurity.

    I have two instances from my past relationships that are quite interesting:

    At the onset of my relationship, before we became exclusive my ex girl spent the night with 3 friends (2 guys and a girl), after a hottubing excursion. I told her i didnt like the thought of that.. To which she replied that nothing happened, we would be exclusive, and “do you trust me?”.. My reaction was like “trust is implicit, and I barey know you, but we’ll build this over time.” I found her question kind of odd but honestly important at the first sign of my insecurity in behaviours i would find undermining our budding relationship.

    The second incident occured while she was abroad with a group of her girlfriends. They had a convo the day before to which she shared by asking “would you rather get emotionally or phyiscally cheated on?” To which i saw as a red flag. But at this point its kind of converse to the questions everyone had discussed here “would you cheat on me?”.. I was stunned being asked that and asked her “who cheated lmaoo” to which she ended the convo saying “nobody jeez, everything is under control.”

    These two instances really stick out to me. And looking back they seem kind of shady or just intriguing, idk what do y’all think?

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