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Thread: Ex-girlfriend wants to get back together, but I am in a new relationship

  1. #1
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    Ex-girlfriend wants to get back together, but I am in a new relationship

    In short, my ex-gf broke up with me about a year ago. We had been together for a little over 3 years and she broke things off because she felt like her life had become unmoored and wanted to figure her life out. She felt that being with me (and my two kids, who are not hers) was hindering that because it was the only path she could take while we were together. I should also say that, though when we were good, we were amazing, the year+ preceding the breakup were awful. She was pulling away during that time and I found myself unable to break things off despite realizing what was happening and being enormously unhappy. It was an incredibly hard breakup for me and I felt like I was having a constant panic attack for weeks after. Even after the initial hurt subsided, I found it tough to move on.

    But, eventually, I did move on. I started dating again. I've been seeing someone now for about 3 months and it is going great, but extremely fast. We went exclusive on our 5th date (spent the whole day together on the 3rd), said "I love you" a few weeks after that. We're making lots of plans for later in the year, including her meeting my family. (They are not local, I have already met hers once).

    Now my ex-girlfriend tells me that she feels the problems she had in our relationship were actually her problems and she wants to give it another shot. And she's willing to go all in. Couples therapy, moving in together after my lease runs out, really putting the work into it.

    I still have feelings for my ex-gf, but returning back to a relationship that did not work the first time around is very scary. And also I'm seeing someone that I am very happy with. We've only been together for 3 months, so I can't guarantee that it's going to work out long-term, but if I do go back with my ex, I'd be breaking up a good relationship with someone who did absolutely nothing wrong. I'd be choosing my ex over my current gf, plain and simple.

    This has been weighing on me for days. I find myself constantly exhausted from all the emotional stress. I hate hurting people and I find myself in a situation where, no matter what I do, I hurt someone. Now, obviously, choosing my GF is the path of least resistance, since my ex and I are already broken up, but I don't know if it's what I want. I can envision a happy future with my ex, but I also know that future is uncertain and it would be a lot of work to get there. I wish I could just let it happen naturally. (As in, when we're both single), but the situation now is unsustainable and I need to make a decision.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Does your ex know you're seeing someone?

    If so, I'd find that in itself to just be more evidence of what I think, deep down, you already know: that the two of you don't really work. Because that there is pretty dramatic and disrespectful, you know, just as you're walking awfully close to being disrespectful by engaging like this with your ex while being involved with someone else.

    Also, I think you should listen to that emotional exhaustion as another sign of what your ex offers you. That's not the stuff we build relationships on top of, or at least sustainable relationships.

    Look, I totally understand how one can be thrown by hearing, at last, all you wanted to hear from someone a year or two ago. But right now it actually seems really simple: the timing is not right. Bummer, but that's life. And while no one wants to hurt other people, there's a place where we just hurt ourselves by avoiding hurting others.

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    Persoanlly i would not go back. It sounds like she wanted to have her fun which she couldnt do with you and your children, this is of course is her right, but whats to say she won't pull this again? Potentially she may have also left you to try out other guys, that hasnt worked and now she wants to come back. Only a guess though. What did she say HER actual problems were?

    You and your new GF sound compatible. What does she think about the kids situation? Is she good with them etc etc.

    You are literally gambling everything. Your ex decision to leave was not spontaneous either so she can't say that. She was distant to you for a year and made you feel like crap about it? That is not good. She could/should have walked when she was unhappy which is why i think she was monkey branching at some point towards the end.

    Tough spot to be in because none of us can predict the future. If you dump your current gf for no reason she probably will not take you back if it fails again with your ex so i'd think real careful.

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    My ex does know I am seeing someone. In fact, the first time she brought this up, I politely declined, saying that though I still had feelings for her, I was seeing someone (which she already knew, going into the conversation) and that the timing just wasn't right. She, basically, came back a few days later with further clarification about how serious she was about all of this. She is also seeing someone, though she's referred to him as "knock off" of me and not someone she's serious about. I am not sure if they are committed or serious, but I get the feeling from her that they are not serious and she does not view a future with this guy. It's just been extraordinarily hard because, at a time (and not that long ago, either), the words she's saying are all I wanted to hear in life.

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  6. #5
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    She is reaching out as her current relationship is about to fail, she is monkey branching which i suspect is what she was doing during that whole year she was making you miserable. For me i would block her and focus on my current gf as it's pretty disrespectful to engage in this kind of conversation with an ex whilst happy in a relationship.

  7. #6
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    saying that though I still had feelings for her, I was seeing someone (which she already knew, going into the conversation) and that the timing just wasn't right.

    so, you did not decline her, you just said "maybe later"
    who knows if your current relationship is ultimately a rebound or will be lasting - no one knows.
    But i think you need to be firmer with her that you mean "no."
    you are right - if a relationship didn't work the first time - why go back there?

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    Ninjabib,

    She said her issues were that she was scared of messing up the kids by not being a perfect parental figure, that she felt like, for so long, she was not integrated into my life that she distanced herself to try and protect herself, instead of talking to me about it. And that she never told me anything that bothered her for fear of hurting my feelings, even if the outcome (breaking up) turned out way worse for me. And, to be fair, as most breakups involve two, she's right about the not integrating her into my life. We never quite clicked with that. She wanted to be deeply involved in my life before I was ready for that and by the time I was ready she felt hurt and had started to distance herself.

    As for my new GF and the kids, they've only met twice now. It's hard to tell, but she seems good. In the end though, I realize that my current relationship is new and we're not past the honeymoon stage and into real working on the relationship. It could easily still not work out. I have to be okay with that.

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    Unfortunately, you entered into a new relationship before you had completely healed and moved on from your previous relationship. You are now learning the hard way the problems that one faces when entering a relationship far too quickly, before you are emotionally ready. Be honest here: are you REALLY "in love" with your current girlfriend? It sounds to me that you enjoy the IDEA of being in love with her, but that you aren't REALLY in love with her. If you were, the very idea of leaving her for your ex-girlfriend wouldn't even occur to you. It is extremely unfair, and wrong on your end, to tell your girlfriend you are "in love" with her when that is not true. It's also wrong to be in an exclusive relationship with someone while maintaining romantic communication with someone else (i.e. your ex-girlfriend) at best, this is inappropriate behavior; at worst, it is flat out emotional cheating.

    In all honesty, you are not ready to be in a committed relationship with anyone right now. It's clear that your emotional state is causing you to make poor decisions (getting into a relationship too quickly, saying "I love you" without really meaning it, contemplating getting back into a toxic relationship with your ex-gf, etc) My best advice is to exit this current relationship and NOT enter into another one until you have completely healed and you are emotionally stable enough to bring another person in. As it stands, it is not fair to your girlfriend, yourself, or to your kids to be in a relationship in which you cannot fully invest yourself (i.e. you have one foot out the door). Stay single, work on yourself, get yourself to a healthy state of being.

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    No, I didn't decline her. I told her, gently, that I still had lots of feelings for her, but that now was not the right time. If she asked me a 4-5 months ago, I would have taken her up on it. But now she is asking me to leave a relationship that is going really well. To leave someone who has truly done nothing wrong, for her.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Rdunsany
    No, I didn't decline her. I told her, gently, that I still had lots of feelings for her, but that now was not the right time. If she asked me a 4-5 months ago, I would have taken her up on it. But now she is asking me to leave a relationship that is going really well. To leave someone who has truly done nothing wrong, for her.
    If you don't decline, she will keep pursuing it. Remember that she thought life with you and your kids was stifling her. You still have kids. That won't change.

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