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Thread: Girlfriend and I drifted apart, she says she doesn’t feel the same way anymore

  1. #1
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    Girlfriend and I drifted apart, she says she doesn’t feel the same way anymore

    Almost 2 weeks ago my girlfriend of almost 1 year broke up with me (via text message which hurt a lot). She said that she felt we had drifted and that she didn’t see the relationship going anywhere anymore. That something changed. My original reply might have come across as quite cold, as I couldn’t believe she would break up over text.

    Around 6 weeks ago I had a gut feeling that something wasn’t quite right. I had spent the night at hers, which all went well. But then for the following day, neither of us messaged each other. This continues to lunchtime the next day until I eventually messaged her to make sure she was OK and see how she was. After that day it felt as if we both didn’t really know where we stood with the other. I was worried she had lost interest in me as we’d just spent our first full weekend away together. I took a step back and didn’t want to come across too eager/needy and so tried to give her space to let her come to me if she wanted to.

    This continued for a few weeks, things would seem fine when we were together, but her replies were getting slower and slower when messaging (when I could see she’d been on her phone) after a few weeks I even asked her if anything was bothering her and and she said she’s just been under the weather lately.

    Anyway, A day after her break up message I messaged her back essentially saying that I’d had my guard up for a while and I really did love her. I was really honest about my feelings. She said she felt I didn’t love her and that she wasn’t her priority. I did feel like I was always the one making plans and that if she wanted to see me more then she would ask me.

    Since then I’ve tried to call her to arrange a meet up just to talk and even just to get closure with no expectations of getting back together. She’s been pretty adamant that she doesn’t want to talk or meet up, saying it would be hard to see me with the way she’s feeling right now.

    I’m at the stage where I feel all I can do is give her a few weeks of space and also to see how I feel. Because the last 6 weeks of the relationship were weird between us I can’t help but feel things are unfinished and I’d want to at least try and give things another go, because if I’d have known the problem I would have played thing very different. I would have told her I loved her a lot more and really pushed to see her. I don’t really know how to go about that with her now not answering messages and not picking up the phone. I don’t want to do anymore lasting damage to hurt any chances to reconcile.

    My gut feeling is that she still cares for me but feels like I took her for granted. I really wish We’d have been honest with each other when we started feeling like we were drifted. But I thought I was overthinking and didn’t want to create a problem that wasn’t there!

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
    Last edited by Chippy1612; 05-13-2019 at 03:23 AM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. How much time did you spend together?

    Did she want more involvement or more of a commitment from you? When someone tells you "she didn’t see the relationship going anywhere anymore" it's a warning shot that things are coasting along, too complacent and without change she will be leaving. Also the "she felt I didn’t love her and that she wasn’t her priority" is a huge warning that things are stalling out on autopilot and things need to change. After these warnings what efforts did you make to address those concerns?

    Unfortunately it sounds like she has been thinking about her departure for a while and surely she mentioned things before making her decision. Is it possible there is someone else? That is often also part of the departure plan when the relationship is stalling out and everyone else starts looking good in comparison.

    Closure is the breakup. This did not come out of nowhere. All you need to do for closure is reflect on why it became incompatible.
    Originally Posted by Chippy1612
    Almost 2 weeks ago my girlfriend of almost 1 year broke up with me
    we’d just spent our first full weekend away together.

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    Thanks for the reply.

    We saw each other probably 2-3 times a week. And as I say, I felt like these meet-ups were usually arranged by me. When she said ‘she didn’t see it going anywhere and ‘she felt like I didn’t love her’ in the break up message, this was literally the first time she had mentioned it. Although I knew things weren’t quite right, she hadn’t voiced any concerns prior to this. Despite me asking if anything was bothering her a few weeks before.

    I did consider it there was someone else, I did trust her completely but since she wouldn’t meet the idea grew in my head so I messaged her to ask. Not as an accusation that there was somebody else, but just that I had to know either way. She said there wasn’t, im not sure how well she took the question. I have messaged her to apologise if the question sounded like I was accusing her, I again asked if she would consider meeting me just so we could end things face to face as mature adults but she didn’t reply, that was 2 days ago.

    She admits that she pulled away as well and that she wishes we’d both been honest with each other about how we felt, but that something had just changed.

    I think she feels that if I really loved her then she wouldn’t have to guess whether I did or not. Which I do see her point. Yet my concern was that she was losing interest in me which is why she was pulling away and I didn’t want to smother her and make the problem worse

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Most people will never admit that there is someone else. Chasing her down for "closure" makes no sense since the break up was the closure. Unfortunately since she has been contemplating the break up for a while she's a bit ahead of you in the closure/healing/moving on areas. Pull back and maintain n contact to clear your head, reflect and unscramble some emotions.

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    I do understand that when she says there isn’t somebody else that might not necessarily be true. I do feel like I need to let it settle for a few weeks to clear my head and give her space.

    At this moment in time I do feel like I want to at least follow it up in a few weeks. Just incase there is still something there. I realise I may feel differently after no contact.

    Do you have any advice on if I do still feel like I want to see her in a few weeks? Suggest to meet for coffee / as friends and try to take it from there?

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    Yep, don't ever meet up as friends as that is where you will find yourself stuck for the rest of time. Just crack on with your life, maybe down the line she might reach out, maybe not but trying to win her back through friendship is the worst thing you could do.

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    I get where you are coming from regarding meeting as friends. Friend zone is even worse than no zone in my head.

    If in a few weeks I do decide that I would still like to pursue getting back together. What are people’s opinions on the best way to go about that?

    Just try asking her how’s she’s been and see if she tries sparking up a conversation and take it from there?

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    Originally Posted by Chippy1612
    Do you have any advice on if I do still feel like I want to see her in a few weeks? Suggest to meet for coffee / as friends and try to take it from there?
    What's left to take from there? That's a sincere question.

    My honest opinion is that meet-ups after a break-up has already happened are usually a lot more painful than they're worth. The dumpees don't typically come away from them feeling like, "Oh, okay, I get it now and I have my closure." It's usually more confusing because the dumpee is looking for signs that dumper might be having regrets and read into things when they shouldn't. Or, they feel that gut-wrenching pain all over again when the dumper simply reaffirms that they don't want the relationship to continue.

    It sounds to me like she's not being totally honest about why this is ending, so I am not sure seeing her face-to-face is going to bring any
    further clarity or be the start of reconciliation. Getting back together is out of your hands, I'm afraid. She would need to initiate that.

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    Yeah as MsCannuck said there is nothing you can do sadly. All you can do is wait a few months, see if you still want to get back and if you do i guess say somehting along the lines of "Look, i can't be your friend, it hurts too much so if there is no future for us i am going to have to cut all contact and move on with my life. I wish you all the best" It probably won't help but at least you get a definitive answer.

  11. #10
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    You've said some contradictory statements in your posts about accepting the breakup, wanting to be friends, and getting back together. You definitely need to first and foremost take a few weeks to get your head together, so you can be honest about what it is you want.

    I personally do not think the relationship sounds salvageable, though, even if you do decide to commit to getting her back. She didn't bother to talk to you in person or even on the phone, which indicates a lack of interest in how you feel. She never even came to you with her concerns before pulling the plug. You deserve to be with a partner that works at the relationship too. If you were the only one really reaching out and scheduling time before the chop, it would be wise to try really hard to simply moving on and cease contact.

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