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Thread: Will visiting my mother's grave help me alleviate my guilt?

  1. #1

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    Will visiting my mother's grave help me alleviate my guilt?

    My parents divorced when I was little. And my dad eventually left the country and to in the US with our step mom. My mom stayed back home in Colombia. Sadly she passed away few years later. I was 18 when she died but I didn't start grieving until I was an adult on and off. Basically, I was informed that she wasn't doing too well prior her death. This was back when we didn't have accesses to immediate technology we have to today ie skype, facebook etc.

    I didn't even have my own phone and my communication was through my dad. I didn't take it seriously and i didn't make an effort to write her a letter .But her condition worsens and she died without me talking to her in her last days. She had written a letter to my dad for us call where she was hospitalized in her last day but my dad put off. I guess he didn't think it was that urgent. I wasn't aware of this until my step mom told him to go buy a long distance card to talk to my mom. But by that time it was too late. She had already gone. As a young 18 year old, I didn't realize how important my Mom was.

    As I matured , I started you are looking back and realized what I was too young to realize then, and the guilt and grief started to hit me now that I'm able to have real perspective now.
    Guilt has strucked me in my adult hood. For not making an effort to write to her. After reconnecting with her side of family back home, I was informed that she tried desparately to get in touch with me in during her last days. Her aunt even send someone to my grandfather, my dad's father to ask for his number so she could talk to me. But he couldn't provide it. I also recall at some point she wrote letter to my dad, stating she wasn't feeling well, asking for my pictures since it had been 4 years since we saw each other. I couldn't provide the pictures. I asked my dad but he never followed through. Now my stuck with with the shoulda, woulda, couldas.

    I could have asked other people where to buy a long distance card to talk to her since i already had my first job as a penny server. I could have wrote a letter and ask for the phone number where she was staying .I could have provided my dad's number so her Aunt who was taking care of her in her last days so she would have called instead of relying on my dad. I could have asked other people what i should do to get a photo taken. I didn't know where to go about it that time


    I'm now in 30's and I want to visit her resting place . will that help? I know she's gone but will seeing where she was buried help? Will telling her how sorry i am help me to alleviate my guilt. I feel like i let her down

  2. #2
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    Yes, from the nature and tone of your post I think visiting her resting place will help you.

  3. #3
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I would be livid with my father for his callous attitude.

  4. #4
    Silver Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'm sorry about your guilt. The only thing you can do is be the type of person your mother would've wanted you to be. Also, instead of trying to do something for your late mother, pay it forward.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    That's a very sad story.

    Originally Posted by MrsWise
    I'm now in 30's and I want to visit her resting place . will that help? I know she's gone but will seeing where she was buried help? Will telling her how sorry i am help me to alleviate my guilt. I feel like i let her down
    I think it could help you deal with your grief. It may help more to repeat the journey on a regular basis, like a pilgrimage of atonement. It's not going to undo the unfortunate choices that were made in the past, but the effort of the journey will provide a focus for your grief.

  7. #6
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    Yes, it sounds like this could really help you. Losing a parent is always hard but losing one young and not being able to say goodbye leaves a lot of unfinished business, things not said. Visiting, you might still get to say those things that have been on your mind over the years and help you heal. I wish you well.


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