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Ask for clarification or let sleeping dogs lie?


jackie103

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I met a girl on bumble and we went on a great first date last friday. Got drinks and then I went back to her place afterwards and we had sex. She texted me that night saying she had a great time and then the next morning saying that she would really love to see me again soon and asked if I was on the same page and I told her I was. Before we met for the first time, she had asked me over text what i was looking for. I told her nothing serious at the moment but that i'm not opposed to something if it happens. She said she was the same and that she wasn't neccesarily jusdt looking for hook ups but to also hang out with someone and have fun, etc.

 

So anyway, we met up again on wednesday, made cookies and watched a movie together. Again, we had a great time and we have really good chemistry and before the date, she had told me she was really excited to see me again.

 

We texted a bit the next day and since friday and throughout the weekend, her responses have really slowed down and she doesn't seem as enthusiastic. I know she had a final yesterday and a last one tomorrow so I understand if she is busy studying. There just seems to be a shift in her responses to me and feels like she has lost interest since before we met up, she was also fairly busy with school stuff.

 

I texted her today, asking how her exam was. She responded by saying that it was actually better than she thought and that she only has one left tomorrow. i responded by saying that a celebration is in order after her last one and I haven't received a response from her.

 

When we were together, she mentioned that her last final was the easiest and that she wasn't even going to study for it. Perhaps she was just saying this at the time and that she actually is studying, i'm not dismissing that fact.

 

I feel like me and her have really good chemistry so if I don't hear from her for a couple days, should I text her asking her what changed and if I did something that made us both not on the same page anymore? Or should I just let it be and let it go? I'm not ignoring the fact that she may have met someone else online but I'm just looking for advice on whether it would even be wise to ask for more clarification if she starts showing more disinterest?

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Leave it be. If she really likes you, she'll stay in touch and see you again.

Maybe she's really distracted during finals week. Or maybe you're right and she did find someone else. In either of those scenarios, you'd be best of leaving her alone...at least for the time being.

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No, no, NO! Do NOT send the needy clingy insecure "Are we ok??? Did I do something??? Do you want to stop seeing me???" text! Talk about an attraction killer.

 

Maybe she is spending time with friends celebrating the end of finals. I'm sure she has some school friends who would all be relieved that finals are ending.

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I think it's easy to feel lots of chemistry and sexual chemistry when you first meet someone and many people after one date (meaning you met her once then had one actual date you planned) change their minds or perhaps meet someone they like better. I wouldn't bother her at all or ask for "clarification" - it's clear that if a person wants to see you again that person will make a plan to see you again . So if she wants to see you again she'll let you know. Silence = disinterest - that's your clarification. She might change her mind again but right now if she's not making a plan assume it's because she doesn't want to. It sounds like you got your hopes up based on a fun and exciting first meet and you chose to have sex right away -sometimes that can lead to unrealistic attachments. I'm sorry if you're disappointed right now and assume if she's interested she'll be back in touch.

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What everyone else is saying.

 

You’ve told her you’d like to hang again. If she’s into hanging again, she’ll let you know.

 

And, who knows, maybe what this is showing you is that you’re maybe more into something “serious” than you thought. Doesn’t mean you answer the “what are you looking for?” question with a monologue about marriage and partnership, but putting it out there more directly that you’re seeking to find a genuine connection and see where it can go. You might not get laid as quickly, but you might find yourself discovering another kind of heat.

 

“Nothing serious,” after all, translates to DTF, regardless of whatever caveats are attached. No judgement there, but you’re kind of putting it out there—first in words, then in actions—that you’re pretty cool with a quick fling, even if it goes cold quick.

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Different take.

 

You told her you didn't want anything serious (translation: no relationship); it's possible she is beginning to really like you, getting too attached, so is pulling back before she starts feeling too serious and gets her heart broken by a man who told her that's not what he's looking for right now.

 

Just another possibility to consider.

 

I am actually wondering myself since you don't want anything serious, then what's the problem?

 

Why this sudden need to find out "what's going on"?

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I wouldn't advise you asking for clarification but I would suggest that you ask her out on a specific day and time and if she ignores you or declines but doesn't suggest another date/time, that will clarify all you need to know...

 

Don't ask to hang out at hers or yours... ask her out proper.

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Different take.

 

You told her you didn't want anything serious (translation: no relationship); it's possible she is beginning to really like you, getting too attached, so is pulling back before she starts feeling too serious and gets her heart broken by a man who told her that's not what he's looking for right now.

 

Just another possibility to consider.

 

I am actually wondering myself since you don't want anything serious, then what's the problem?

 

Why this sudden need to find out "what's going on"?

 

I guess I wasn’t clear with what I’m after - I’m interested in continuing to hook up with her, like a FWB kind of situation.

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I wouldn't advise you asking for clarification but I would suggest that you ask her out on a specific day and time and if she ignores you or declines but doesn't suggest another date/time, that will clarify all you need to know...

 

Don't ask to hang out at hers or yours... ask her out proper.

 

After our first date, I asked her to hang out that Sunday but she had to prepare for a presentation so she suggested Wednesday.

 

My last message to her was today about how a celebration is in order after she finishes her exams, but still no response so I’m just going to leave it at that.

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For someone who just wants to hook up in a FWB situation you're awfully thrown by a few hours of texting silence. If that's all you want—from her, in general—it's all good. But you've got to develop that little mechanism that just goes: whatever—it comes, it goes, doesn't much matter either way.

 

Which brings me back to my original post.

 

It's all good—great even—to want more than chill and casual. But to get it you have to own it.

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Text response times seem to upset you. However you told this one you wanted 'nothing serious just fooling around', so how much devotion to texting and tethering to a phone can you expect? You could reflect on why texting and response time are this important yet you don't want "anything serious".

I told her nothing serious at the moment but that i'm not opposed to something if it happens.

 

We texted a bit the next day and since friday and throughout the weekend, her responses have really slowed down and she doesn't seem as enthusiastic.

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It’s only because I sense a shift. I told her I didn’t want anything serious before we even met up and we texted much more previously, even after our first date. But I’ll take the advice and give it some time, if she never texts back, I know I have my response

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It’s only because I sense a shift. I told her I didn’t want anything serious before we even met up and we texted much more previously, even after our first date. But I’ll take the advice and give it some time, if she never texts back, I know I have my response

 

Response to what????

What are you looking for?

You said nothing serious but open to it.

 

Tell her exactly what you want right now. So she actually has something to decide on rather than the fluff you’ve been giving her so far. !?

 

Make sure you know what you want first.

Because how is someone else meant to second guess when you are still undecided!

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It’s only because I sense a shift. I told her I didn’t want anything serious before we even met up and we texted much more previously, even after our first date. But I’ll take the advice and give it some time, if she never texts back, I know I have my response

 

OK then I am going to change my response slightly. If you only wanted a casual hook up your actions in posting and your level of concern make me think you're being somewhat dishonest with yourself. Is this all about ego - that if she doesn't respond she didn't like the sex as much as you thought, she didn't find you as hot as you thought? I'd work really hard on getting over that hurdle of caring that much about being declined for more sex. Or get really honest that you actually wanted more and were lying to yourself and playing it cool -emphasis on play. Maybe she decided she wanted more than you were offering and maybe she actually only wanted sex but with all your texting senses you want more so she's gonna run like the wind. We don't know but how you're acting now seems inconsistent with what you say you want.

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If you're just bummed that she's not texting you as much—that she's depriving you of that little buzz and boredom-killer—then you just have to suck it up and remember that this is what "nothing serious" looks and feels like.

 

If you're bummed for other reasons—well, explore those and see if you can explore them with her with a little more intention. But that happens slowly as well, with ebbs and flows in texting.

 

Regardless of what you want here, or where it goes, consider this a good time to build that little muscle where you can handle a few hours without a text message, or a slight shift in text flow, without getting too much into your head.

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If you're only looking for FWB with her, you need to adjust your expectations.

 

FWB is casual. So what if there is a shift in her response time? Why worry if you have done something to put her off if all you really want is sex and friendly companionship?

 

I ask the above rhetorically, really, because I don't believe all you want is FWB with this girl. That's perfectly okay too, but I think you need to be more honest with yourself.

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I think many of you are right. At the time, before I met her, I didn’t think I’d like her enough to be more than FWB. Even after meeting her, I was feeling kind of iffy. She was really enthusiastic after we met about seeing me again so I think that made me feel good and definitely boosted my ego a bit.

 

My ego is taking a hit with her decreased enthusiasm and perhaps the psychology of it is making me feel like I want to spend more time with her, talk to her, etc etc.

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I think many of you are right. At the time, before I met her, I didn’t think I’d like her enough to be more than FWB. Even after meeting her, I was feeling kind of iffy. She was really enthusiastic after we met about seeing me again so I think that made me feel good and definitely boosted my ego a bit.

 

My ego is taking a hit with her decreased enthusiasm and perhaps the psychology of it is making me feel like I want to spend more time with her, talk to her, etc etc.

 

Could part of what you're feeling be a bit of "wanting what you can't have?"

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Most definitely. I find that my attraction for someone increases when I feel like they’re not that into me...

 

So your interest in her has not actually increased, it's your interest in the challenge she is now presenting that's intriguiing you.

 

It's ego-driven versus genuine interest-driven.

 

My sense is she sensed this about you (we have) and has no interest in pursuing a man with this mindset, FWB or otherwise, rightfully so.

 

Smart girl.

 

GL.

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So your interest in her has not actually increased, it's your interest in the challenge she is now presenting that's intriguiing you.

 

It's ego-driven versus genuine interest-driven.

 

My sense is she sensed this about you (we have) and has no interest in pursuing a man with this mindset, FWB or otherwise, rightfully so.

 

Smart girl.

 

GL.

 

I have not changed anything about communication with her though... in my mind, there should be no way she can perceive that my level of interest has changed at all. I was the one to initiate the second meeting, I always texted her back, etc etc

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