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Thread: Coming Out at 35

  1. #1

    Coming Out at 35

    Hey there, so this is me, asking advice, on finally coming out after years of hiding it and suppressing what is truly me. I am 35 years old and have known since high school my attraction for women is a real thing. However, I've never said anything to anyone until recently. I've told 3 of my closest friends and they have been nothing but supportive. I am, however, married, to the father of my two children, which puts me in quite a predicament. Staying true to my husband, who I've been with for over 7 years, or be true to MYSELF and finally let myself become the person that I truly am.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    It starts with a conversation and honesty.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Why did you marry him if you thought you were a lesbian?

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    Platinum Member Snny's Avatar
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    I am, however, married, to the father of my two children, which puts me in quite a predicament.
    As a bisexual woman I will advise this: Don’t do it.

    Just because your friends were ok with it doesn’t mean your husband will. He’s the one having to live with you, share intimacy with, and raise a family; they’re not apart of ANY of that.

    What will you gain from telling your husband? And why did you jump in a marriage knowing that you were a lesbian?

    “Coming out” while married will be a deal breaker and split your family up. Are you ok to live with that?

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    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Coming out will be the end of your family as you know it. Imo, you need to decide on your priorities and act accordingly. You husband will probably feel very hurt and, very understandably, deceived. On the other hand he will at last have the chance to stop living a lie.

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    So did you realise you are actually lesbian and you like only women or would you say you are bisexual/pansexual/fluid? Are you still into your husband or no? I don't understand why Snny gave advice not to tell your husband. If you've known since high school, it's obviously a big part of who you are. It's part of your identity. If you are gay then what is the point to stay with your husband? And if you're bisexual then if he loves you, he should accept you as you are. But the thing is that being bisexual doesn't just give you an excuse to cheat on your husband. Unless he might want to have a threesome and let you explore with a woman?

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How old are your children? Do you intend to stay married? Have you ever had a relationship or experience with a woman? Is there someone in particular at this point that makes you want to act on these feelings and tell your husband?
    Originally Posted by ATHiker19
    I am 35 years old and have known since high school my attraction for women is a real thing.
    I am, however, married, to the father of my two children, which puts me in quite a predicament. Staying true to my husband, who I've been with for over 7 years, or be true to MYSELF and finally let myself become the person that I truly am.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Clio
    Coming out will be the end of your family as you know it. Imo, you need to decide on your priorities and act accordingly. You husband will probably feel very hurt and, very understandably, deceived. On the other hand he will at last have the chance to stop living a lie.
    If she’s a lesbian, then at this point it’s either tell the husband and destroy her family or say nothing. I think that’s why that advice was given

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ATHiker19
    Hey there, so this is me, asking advice, on finally coming out after years of hiding it and suppressing what is truly me. I am 35 years old and have known since high school my attraction for women is a real thing. However, I've never said anything to anyone until recently. I've told 3 of my closest friends and they have been nothing but supportive. I am, however, married, to the father of my two children, which puts me in quite a predicament. Staying true to my husband, who I've been with for over 7 years, or be true to MYSELF and finally let myself become the person that I truly am.
    Have you ever been with a woman? You seem to be pretty enmeshed in a hetrosexual relationship so. What did your friends tell you to do seeing as you say they are so supportive?


    Are they lesbians/bi? Do you have a crush on one of them?

  11. #10
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    Having gone through something similar, I can say your husband will be devastated. It will take him years to recover, and the thing is, there is very little support for the straight spouse. He gave you a portion of his life he will never get back. What you did was, sorry to say, selfish. Had he known you were a lesbian, it is highly unlikely he would have married you.

    I have not lived in your shoes so I cannot say why you decided to keep it to yourself, but if you truly are a lesbian, you need to tell him so he can get on with his life.

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