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Thread: Went on date last night with ex, went horrible

  1. #1

    Went on date last night with ex, went horrible

    Hello all. Feeling like I have months of healing taken away from me. Me (38m) and separated wife (34f) have been separated since Dec 2018, ,married 6 years. I am the dumpee, no children involved. I fought initially to prevent separation but that didn't help obviously. I eventually went NC a few months later in Feb and since then she will message me from time to time. We had hung out and stayed at her place and my place a few times, no sex or anything physical.

    A month ago I noticed my healing was being set back every time I would get a breadcrumb and i would text back etc. It was hard but I called her up one night and simply asked "do you want to work on this? If not, please do not contact me". She said ok, she did not want to work on it and I felt like I had some power back. A week goes by and she messages me, I ignore. Then messages me again to which I ask what she wanted, again I get ignored. I keep getting this roller coaster, every time I go NC, I feel good, I feel every day I get stronger. I guess its my fault for not blocking. I do not have her on FB and I do not look at hers or care what she is doing. She has told me in the past she looks at mine. I do not post much if at all.

    Every time she hits me up, I try to set up a meeting and when she doesn't respond or want to, I just go about my business. BTW, she has told me since day 1 of the break up that she just wants to date other men and she is right now. I just recently started to talk to a few girls but after last night, I am done with that. I just wanted to feel something and have a confidence booster but ultimately, I need to get that from myself and not an external entity.

    So earlier this week, she is hitting me up again. We exchanged a few text and asked her out on Sat, she said yes. I won't lie and say I was not happy. Again, since Feb, I never reach out, I let her come to me and she called me a few times before our date.

    I took her to a restaurant and it was pleasant but she started talking about heavy relationship issues which I have said sorry many times(being tight with money, not being emotionally vulnerable, depression from work active duty military with 20 years of service). It felt like it was back to day 1 all over again. I showed her areas of my life that I had been improving, since day 1 I started to go to therapy, work out, eat right, meditate, read books, not abuse alcohol, did not invalidate how she felt, supported her with money as agreed in our separation agreement. After we eat she asked to come to my place so we could watch a movie, I said sure. She followed me and I stopped at a gas station to grab something to drink. I go to her vehicle and she tells me that she isn't sure about coming over and was going to call her therapist....now I am starting to get upset with myself with putting myself into this situation. She says she is confused and not sure what to do, I almost break down and tell her I am going to run into the store. I come back out and we talk some more. I tell her if she feels that way then it's probably a good idea for her to just go home. I told her I still have feelings for her and that is why I did not want to get any messages if she wasn't ready to reconcile. She kinda puts her hands up and says well I guess I just moved on. She said she was attracted to me and still has feelings. I am at lost for words and started to cry, which I have not done in a long time. I don't know, just the whole ordeal was just frustrating and in that moment knew I was not over her. She said she was still talking with other guys and that she wanted to take baby steps but I told her I would not compete with them, I am not going to be an option. I said I would rather lose you forever than live another day in this limbo because it is killing me. She saw I was tearing up and said it would be ok for me to walk away, I just got back in my vehicle and went home.

    She called me 20 mins later to say she felt bad. I said it's fine, I guess I am not over you and have more work to do. I guess my hopes were too high, got attached to a certain outcome for the night. She has said so many hopeful things throughout our separation that is confuses me but like they say, action speaks louder than words. She said she thought I was in a better emotional place, which made me feel pretty bad, I felt like I was being weak. Or maybe I am just human. I told her I didn't want her messaging me because she missed me or feeling lonely. Somewhere in the conversation she said she was selfish and reached out to me because she missed me. I cried, had a few drinks which I do not do and felt sorry for the rest of the night.

    Just feeling down today, I know it will get better but damn what a mess. I thought I was stronger, felt like I did a lot of healing but I cried in front of my ex. I think I felt I had let myself down because I have been getting stronger by going NC and putting boundaries in place and last night really set me back. Sucks. I am not good at game playing. I am just so tired of this. I am in NC again but this time I am letting go. I don't think I actually really let that sink in. Somewhere in the back of my mind I have always thought we might get back together again but the current reality is truth. The train has left the station, I must focus on myself and heal.

    Thanks for reading and any words of encouragement.

  2. #2
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You really think this is over? I think what she saw (those tears) was something she had wanted to see from you for years. She wasn't looking for a man to ball his eyes out, but show some real emotion. She hesitated because she didn't feel ready and wasn't sure if anything would truly change. She got scared. I truly believe she, like yourself, know dating other people isn't the answer. I think she's telling you she's talking to guys because she's guarding her true feelings. It's like a game of poker, you both are wonder what cards each other is holding. Baby steps. I think you expected way too much. It should have been dinner, the a good night, lets talk again.

  3. #3
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    Did you read the last paragraph you wrote OP? Seriously, read it. It shows all the insight and growth you still maintain from this fiasco with this woman. Setbacks are normal and happen to the best of us. Think nothing over the spilled milk and look ahead to a brighter future. Block her now. Best of luck to you...been there =(
    Last edited by caraviolin; 05-12-2019 at 05:48 PM. Reason: specified who I was talking to =)

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    First of all you need to block your ex wife on everything. Well done for realsiing that on your own but do it now.

    Never meet up with her, cut all contact. When you met up with her she released everything on you which she had no right as you are not a couple but guess what? You allowed it so that is on you. She made a choice to walk and see other men so she needs to talk to them about her issues. Not you. Are you her emotional sponge?

    Why are you supporting her financially?!? You are both seperated. You have no children, i don't understand. Again maybe this is US (i assume) law??

    Shes even been honest and said she contacts you and sees you when she misses you. That is great for her but awful for you.

    YOu can either cut all contact and stick to it and move on with your life and meet someone who wants to be with you or remain her'friend' where she gets everything she wants and you get nothing you want until you are cmpletely crushed.


    It really is upto you.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    I have read it. Not every experience will have the same outcome. Everyone on the outside will say YES! kick them to the curb! But it's more complex than that. I have known all kinds of couples that have gone through the same thing, even went through the process of separating financially/property, etc only to reconcile and remain in the marriage that is better then ever. Hey if the OP feels this is what he needs to do then that's OK too. There is no right or wrong...just a lot of soul searching. It's only been a week after what happened. ....things are still pretty damn raw, and there are still a lot the unknown. But hey I just see what is written, and from years of experience on the forums, people leave out a lot of important information that could change the tone/direction of the thread.

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    She's already told him she has moved on and has no interest in reconciliaton. All she is doing now is using him to fulfill her needs. When SHE wants company, when SHE misses him etc. When he reaches out and she has no need for him he is met with radio silence. OP you deserve better than this.

    It is true that none of us know the full story and we can only go from what is said on here but all i can see is that shes using him. If she meets someone she likes he will be cut off dead.

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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    I have read it. Not every experience will have the same outcome. Everyone on the outside will say YES! kick them to the curb! But it's more complex than that. I have known all kinds of couples that have gone through the same thing, even went through the process of separating financially/property, etc only to reconcile and remain in the marriage that is better then ever. Hey if the OP feels this is what he needs to do then that's OK too. There is no right or wrong...just a lot of soul searching. It's only been a week after what happened. ....things are still pretty damn raw, and there are still a lot the unknown. But hey I just see what is written, and from years of experience on the forums, people leave out a lot of important information that could change the tone/direction of the thread.
    Oh no hon, I wasn't talking to you!! =( So sorry you took it that way! I thought I was the first responder of the thread...I think we mustve posted almost at same time. I was telling him to read the last paragraph he wrote. Sorry for the misunderstanding Smackie

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    You are in the grieving process, it is not "weak", it is normal. This is the advice I give to all married couples undergoing a marital separation; during this time period, ALL of your focus and effort should be going into one of two things: repairing the marriage, or dissolving it.

    If you or your estranged wife (or both of you) have completely checked out of the marriage and are no longer interested in trying to salvage it, then it is in both of your best interests to move forward with dissolving the marriage (i.e. file for divorce). Seeing as your estranged wife is insistent on continuing to talk to other men and claims that she has "just moved on", it's clear that she has no interest in salvaging her marriage with you as she continues to engage in behavior which is detrimental to your relationship with one another. You are correct that it serves no good purpose to continue on in this limbo state. Either your wife desires to repair your marriage or she doesn't.

    At this point, it is in your best interest to go ahead and file for divorce. Put your focus and effort into dissolving this marriage as quickly and amicably as possible so that you can begin all the sooner to emotionally heal. Once the divorce is finalized, put it all behind you. No contact with the ex, remove her completely from your life. Focus on yourself and do whatever is necessary to get yourself to an emotionally healthy state. I highly recommend counseling to help you with this process.

  10. #9
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by caraviolin
    Oh no hon, I wasn't talking to you!! =( So sorry you took it that way! I thought I was the first responder of the thread...I think we mustve posted almost at same time. I was telling him to read the last paragraph he wrote. Sorry for the misunderstanding Smackie
    OK thanks my bad!

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    OK thanks my bad!
    It's all good =)

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