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Went on date last night with ex, went horrible


rektnarok

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Hello all. Feeling like I have months of healing taken away from me. Me (38m) and separated wife (34f) have been separated since Dec 2018, ,married 6 years. I am the dumpee, no children involved. I fought initially to prevent separation but that didn't help obviously. I eventually went NC a few months later in Feb and since then she will message me from time to time. We had hung out and stayed at her place and my place a few times, no sex or anything physical.

 

A month ago I noticed my healing was being set back every time I would get a breadcrumb and i would text back etc. It was hard but I called her up one night and simply asked "do you want to work on this? If not, please do not contact me". She said ok, she did not want to work on it and I felt like I had some power back. A week goes by and she messages me, I ignore. Then messages me again to which I ask what she wanted, again I get ignored. I keep getting this roller coaster, every time I go NC, I feel good, I feel every day I get stronger. I guess its my fault for not blocking. I do not have her on FB and I do not look at hers or care what she is doing. She has told me in the past she looks at mine. I do not post much if at all.

 

Every time she hits me up, I try to set up a meeting and when she doesn't respond or want to, I just go about my business. BTW, she has told me since day 1 of the break up that she just wants to date other men and she is right now. I just recently started to talk to a few girls but after last night, I am done with that. I just wanted to feel something and have a confidence booster but ultimately, I need to get that from myself and not an external entity.

 

So earlier this week, she is hitting me up again. We exchanged a few text and asked her out on Sat, she said yes. I won't lie and say I was not happy. Again, since Feb, I never reach out, I let her come to me and she called me a few times before our date.

 

I took her to a restaurant and it was pleasant but she started talking about heavy relationship issues which I have said sorry many times(being tight with money, not being emotionally vulnerable, depression from work active duty military with 20 years of service). It felt like it was back to day 1 all over again. I showed her areas of my life that I had been improving, since day 1 I started to go to therapy, work out, eat right, meditate, read books, not abuse alcohol, did not invalidate how she felt, supported her with money as agreed in our separation agreement. After we eat she asked to come to my place so we could watch a movie, I said sure. She followed me and I stopped at a gas station to grab something to drink. I go to her vehicle and she tells me that she isn't sure about coming over and was going to call her therapist....now I am starting to get upset with myself with putting myself into this situation. She says she is confused and not sure what to do, I almost break down and tell her I am going to run into the store. I come back out and we talk some more. I tell her if she feels that way then it's probably a good idea for her to just go home. I told her I still have feelings for her and that is why I did not want to get any messages if she wasn't ready to reconcile. She kinda puts her hands up and says well I guess I just moved on. She said she was attracted to me and still has feelings. I am at lost for words and started to cry, which I have not done in a long time. I don't know, just the whole ordeal was just frustrating and in that moment knew I was not over her. She said she was still talking with other guys and that she wanted to take baby steps but I told her I would not compete with them, I am not going to be an option. I said I would rather lose you forever than live another day in this limbo because it is killing me. She saw I was tearing up and said it would be ok for me to walk away, I just got back in my vehicle and went home.

 

She called me 20 mins later to say she felt bad. I said it's fine, I guess I am not over you and have more work to do. I guess my hopes were too high, got attached to a certain outcome for the night. She has said so many hopeful things throughout our separation that is confuses me but like they say, action speaks louder than words. She said she thought I was in a better emotional place, which made me feel pretty bad, I felt like I was being weak. Or maybe I am just human. I told her I didn't want her messaging me because she missed me or feeling lonely. Somewhere in the conversation she said she was selfish and reached out to me because she missed me. I cried, had a few drinks which I do not do and felt sorry for the rest of the night.

 

Just feeling down today, I know it will get better but damn what a mess. I thought I was stronger, felt like I did a lot of healing but I cried in front of my ex. I think I felt I had let myself down because I have been getting stronger by going NC and putting boundaries in place and last night really set me back. Sucks. I am not good at game playing. I am just so tired of this. I am in NC again but this time I am letting go. I don't think I actually really let that sink in. Somewhere in the back of my mind I have always thought we might get back together again but the current reality is truth. The train has left the station, I must focus on myself and heal.

 

Thanks for reading and any words of encouragement.

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You really think this is over? I think what she saw (those tears) was something she had wanted to see from you for years. She wasn't looking for a man to ball his eyes out, but show some real emotion. She hesitated because she didn't feel ready and wasn't sure if anything would truly change. She got scared. I truly believe she, like yourself, know dating other people isn't the answer. I think she's telling you she's talking to guys because she's guarding her true feelings. It's like a game of poker, you both are wonder what cards each other is holding. Baby steps. I think you expected way too much. It should have been dinner, the a good night, lets talk again.

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Did you read the last paragraph you wrote OP? Seriously, read it. It shows all the insight and growth you still maintain from this fiasco with this woman. Setbacks are normal and happen to the best of us. Think nothing over the spilled milk and look ahead to a brighter future. Block her now. Best of luck to you...been there =(

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First of all you need to block your ex wife on everything. Well done for realsiing that on your own but do it now.

 

Never meet up with her, cut all contact. When you met up with her she released everything on you which she had no right as you are not a couple but guess what? You allowed it so that is on you. She made a choice to walk and see other men so she needs to talk to them about her issues. Not you. Are you her emotional sponge?

 

Why are you supporting her financially?!? You are both seperated. You have no children, i don't understand. Again maybe this is US (i assume) law??

 

Shes even been honest and said she contacts you and sees you when she misses you. That is great for her but awful for you.

 

YOu can either cut all contact and stick to it and move on with your life and meet someone who wants to be with you or remain her'friend' where she gets everything she wants and you get nothing you want until you are cmpletely crushed.

 

 

It really is upto you.

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I have read it. Not every experience will have the same outcome. Everyone on the outside will say YES! kick them to the curb! But it's more complex than that. I have known all kinds of couples that have gone through the same thing, even went through the process of separating financially/property, etc only to reconcile and remain in the marriage that is better then ever. Hey if the OP feels this is what he needs to do then that's OK too. There is no right or wrong...just a lot of soul searching. It's only been a week after what happened. ....things are still pretty damn raw, and there are still a lot the unknown. But hey I just see what is written, and from years of experience on the forums, people leave out a lot of important information that could change the tone/direction of the thread.

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She's already told him she has moved on and has no interest in reconciliaton. All she is doing now is using him to fulfill her needs. When SHE wants company, when SHE misses him etc. When he reaches out and she has no need for him he is met with radio silence. OP you deserve better than this.

 

It is true that none of us know the full story and we can only go from what is said on here but all i can see is that shes using him. If she meets someone she likes he will be cut off dead.

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I have read it. Not every experience will have the same outcome. Everyone on the outside will say YES! kick them to the curb! But it's more complex than that. I have known all kinds of couples that have gone through the same thing, even went through the process of separating financially/property, etc only to reconcile and remain in the marriage that is better then ever. Hey if the OP feels this is what he needs to do then that's OK too. There is no right or wrong...just a lot of soul searching. It's only been a week after what happened. ....things are still pretty damn raw, and there are still a lot the unknown. But hey I just see what is written, and from years of experience on the forums, people leave out a lot of important information that could change the tone/direction of the thread.

 

Oh no hon, I wasn't talking to you!! =( So sorry you took it that way! I thought I was the first responder of the thread...I think we mustve posted almost at same time. I was telling him to read the last paragraph he wrote. Sorry for the misunderstanding Smackie

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You are in the grieving process, it is not "weak", it is normal. This is the advice I give to all married couples undergoing a marital separation; during this time period, ALL of your focus and effort should be going into one of two things: repairing the marriage, or dissolving it.

 

If you or your estranged wife (or both of you) have completely checked out of the marriage and are no longer interested in trying to salvage it, then it is in both of your best interests to move forward with dissolving the marriage (i.e. file for divorce). Seeing as your estranged wife is insistent on continuing to talk to other men and claims that she has "just moved on", it's clear that she has no interest in salvaging her marriage with you as she continues to engage in behavior which is detrimental to your relationship with one another. You are correct that it serves no good purpose to continue on in this limbo state. Either your wife desires to repair your marriage or she doesn't.

 

At this point, it is in your best interest to go ahead and file for divorce. Put your focus and effort into dissolving this marriage as quickly and amicably as possible so that you can begin all the sooner to emotionally heal. Once the divorce is finalized, put it all behind you. No contact with the ex, remove her completely from your life. Focus on yourself and do whatever is necessary to get yourself to an emotionally healthy state. I highly recommend counseling to help you with this process.

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Oh no hon, I wasn't talking to you!! =( So sorry you took it that way! I thought I was the first responder of the thread...I think we mustve posted almost at same time. I was telling him to read the last paragraph he wrote. Sorry for the misunderstanding Smackie

 

OK thanks my bad!

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Anyways I can see how confusing it has been. She says one thing, then another, then back again....I find it odd to meet for dinner, then agree to watch a move ( before changing her mind). That doesn't sound like someone who has given up and already moved on. The sad part is, it's forced him to decide for the both of them that it's over.

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You really think this is over? I think what she saw (those tears) was something she had wanted to see from you for years. She wasn't looking for a man to ball his eyes out, but show some real emotion. She hesitated because she didn't feel ready and wasn't sure if anything would truly change. She got scared. I truly believe she, like yourself, know dating other people isn't the answer. I think she's telling you she's talking to guys because she's guarding her true feelings. It's like a game of poker, you both are wonder what cards each other is holding. Baby steps. I think you expected way too much. It should have been dinner, the a good night, lets talk again.

 

I don't know, it's been almost 7 months since bomb day and we are still having this back and forth. At some point during dinner she took my hand and apologized for leaving and that she should have stayed or told me she was thinking of leaving. Then she mentioned that we would need to go to counseling, which I heard before but again, to me hopeful signs. I don't know what to do right now, just giving her space. I haven't cried in years let alone in front of her so it took me by surprise. I thought I was a lot stronger. I agree, I expected way to much, obviously attached to a specific outcome. Thank you for the insight.

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First of all you need to block your ex wife on everything. Well done for realsiing that on your own but do it now.

 

Never meet up with her, cut all contact. When you met up with her she released everything on you which she had no right as you are not a couple but guess what? You allowed it so that is on you. She made a choice to walk and see other men so she needs to talk to them about her issues. Not you. Are you her emotional sponge?

 

Why are you supporting her financially?!? You are both seperated. You have no children, i don't understand. Again maybe this is US (i assume) law??

 

Shes even been honest and said she contacts you and sees you when she misses you. That is great for her but awful for you.

 

YOu can either cut all contact and stick to it and move on with your life and meet someone who wants to be with you or remain her'friend' where she gets everything she wants and you get nothing you want until you are cmpletely crushed.

 

 

It really is upto you.

 

Hey thanks for the reply. Unfortunately its a military law, she rates a portion of my housing allowance. If I do not, I can be hit with back pay and other nasty things. It sucks but there isn't anything I can do, its mandated by higher. Yes she told me later in the night that she was selfish, that she agreed to meet up with me because she missed me. Its been a slow journey for me, I guess I am learning my lessons.

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OP the other side of things that also concern me but you have just mentioned is that she left without communicating.

 

This is evidence of how she deals with problems and it not good. Say you got back together what's to stop her doing this again?

 

 

Thanks for clearing up the finance thing for me. I'm learning a lot about US law today! Is that for the rest of your life or a set amount of time?

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OP the other side of things that also concern me but you have just mentioned is that she left without communicating.

 

This is evidence of how she deals with problems and it not good. Say you got back together what's to stop her doing this again?

 

 

Thanks for clearing up the finance thing for me. I'm learning a lot about US law today! Is that for the rest of your life or a set amount of time?

 

Yeah I told her that I was worried that if she left me once she would do it again. She communicated every wrong thing that I have ever done during the breakup, numerous times, I have always listened and never argued. There was no cheating or physical violence but I could of communicated better and been there for her. I always tried to fix things instead of just listening. She did start a new job last year and that is when everything started to change. She was working a lot and when she would come home she would constantly be on the phone with her female boss. We stopped doing things we used to do together. Even now she tells me how stressed she is with her job and how many hours she has to work.

 

Right as we got married I got stationed in Japan for 2 years without my wife. I almost didn't take the orders but we both believed we could make it work. Last night she said she wanted to hurt me because she was living in squaller conditions while I was in Japan which I don't remember that at all. I paid the rent in a nice apartment located in a nice part of town, all utilities and even gave her $600 on top of what she was making at her job at the time. She said she was so bad off that she was just eating water melon. I have no recollection of this, we have great finances, I have been saving and investing since I was 21 years old. We spent so much time on skype during the weekends, there would be days where we would be on Skype for 12 hours straight, we would be gaming together etc. We communicated constantly. I just don't get where she is getting this from, its like I am in the twilight zone a different reality.

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Ok the long distance adds a different spin on things but who is lying. It sounds like you set her up nicely yet she says you left her with nothing. You say you cannot remember. Have you had a head injury or some issues from military service?

 

If you got back together would you have to be long distance again or can you remain close to one another all the time?

 

Also her job sounds like it's a major stressor in her life. If you get back together and she hates her job is she go. A take it out on the relationship?

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Ok the long distance adds a different spin on things but who is lying. It sounds like you set her up nicely yet she says you left her with nothing. You say you cannot remember. Have you had a head injury or some issues from military service?

 

If you got back together would you have to be long distance again or can you remain close to one another all the time?

 

Also her job sounds like it's a major stressor in her life. If you get back together and she hates her job is she go. A take it out on the relationship?

 

No head injury. I really don't understand, I have always taken care of all the bills, never asked for a dime. Bought her nice things.

 

I retire in 3 months so there will not be an opportunity for long distance again. She mentioned the other night that she thought about quitting her job and traveling with me this summer. Its things like that she says that confuses me. She did also say that she was looking at different jobs because this company doesn't take care of her employees so I don't know. I just wish she never started working there, everything started changing after that.

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That is strange that she would say such lies about the housing situation. I really can't understand why she would do that. Maybe guilt tripping for you for leaving even though she agreed to it is all I can think of.

 

 

Sounds good that long distance and her job wouldnt be an issue if you ever managed to sort things out but it sounds like she doesn't want too. Also once they have left once their other half they usually finds it a lot easier to leave a second time.

 

I would tread very carefully.

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You are both pulling the bandaid off, but instead of ripping it off, you are slowly tearing it and feeling every small hair it's pulling.

 

You both need to stop. It's normal to mourn the loss of a relationship, it's normal to miss each other, that doesn't mean you should be back together.

 

The fact alone that your dinner went back into talking about the problems that broke you up is very cringe worthy and a huge reg flag that neither of you are healed or okay with being back together.

Whatever doubts or pain or hurts or disappointments there were that tore you apart...still are very fresh in both of your minds and it's not going to go away any time soon.

 

I don't know if you can ever fully repair this or have a chance at being a couple again. If I were honest with you, I'd say the chances are slim to none.

Your issues were fairly bad and quite complicated, trying to get it back to good like it was, will be like putting toothpaste back into the tube after it's been squeezed out.

 

Right now, you are both feeling lonely, at a loss, confused, hurt, disappointed, maybe even still somewhat angry. You can't help each other and it's only going to keep you both from healing and getting better to keep contacting each other.

 

All you can do right now is stay NC, get counselling or whatever it is you need to help fix the problems in yourself that caused this and help heal the pain from this loss.

It really is going to be like picking at a sore every time you start to heal and contact each other again...it won't work.

 

Both of your focus should be on healing from all this pain and you won't find that in each other. You've tried, it doesn't work.

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First off, you are not weak for crying or for feeling the way you feel. This is very normal and human. Obviously you have not completely moved on and it can take time. There's no deadline or time limit to healing from a break up and try not to beat yourself up.

 

Even though your date did not got as expected I wouldn't say that this is a set back. Yes, you went in with high hopes and expected more but the key is that you learned from this. It hurts but now you have a clearer understanding of what's going on.

 

I could be wrong but I feel like she is only reaching out at this point out of loneliness and familiarity. I'm sure she loves and cares for you but I don't think that she is in any place to reconcile. She probably feels bad because she keeps reaching out after you've told her not to and I don't think she is trying to hurt you but at the same time we are all human and do things without thinking of how it may hurt someone else.

 

I'm proud of you for recognizing that you may not be ready for talking/dating anyone else right now. I encourage you to keep working on yourself and focusing on you for now. If no contact is working I'd suggest going back to that until you are ready to talk without any holes or expectations. If she reaches out continue to ignore until it feels right for you. At the end of the day you have to guard and protect your heart and you know that's best. Actions do speak much louder than words.

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OP - your post is very vulnerable and heartfelt.

 

You are TRYING to be stronger, but admit you are still weak.

 

I agree with you.

 

And it's not attractive.

 

She keeps coming back because she wants to see if you really are stronger...and when you keep showing her that you're not, she's like "well, this isn't new..." and so she loses interest again.

 

I wouldn't BLOCK her...but I wouldn't respond to her immediately...and I would move her WAY down on the priority list. Understand that when she's reaching out, it's selfish on her part, and cruel too. She's purposely getting her ego inflated at your expense.

 

The more you ignore her...focus on yourself...tell her you're busy and have plans, etc...the more she'll be interested. It sucks that it's sorta game playing, but not if you mean it. I think you should have the mindset that this relationship is OVER, and to focus on yourself. And IF she wants you back - make her EARN it. She's the one who left...to date around no less...why are you so desperate to let her back into your heart when she clearly has no respect for you?

 

Be strong buddy.

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