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Thread: Went on date last night with ex, went horrible

  1. #11
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Anyways I can see how confusing it has been. She says one thing, then another, then back again....I find it odd to meet for dinner, then agree to watch a move ( before changing her mind). That doesn't sound like someone who has given up and already moved on. The sad part is, it's forced him to decide for the both of them that it's over.

  2. #12
    Originally Posted by smackie9
    You really think this is over? I think what she saw (those tears) was something she had wanted to see from you for years. She wasn't looking for a man to ball his eyes out, but show some real emotion. She hesitated because she didn't feel ready and wasn't sure if anything would truly change. She got scared. I truly believe she, like yourself, know dating other people isn't the answer. I think she's telling you she's talking to guys because she's guarding her true feelings. It's like a game of poker, you both are wonder what cards each other is holding. Baby steps. I think you expected way too much. It should have been dinner, the a good night, lets talk again.
    I don't know, it's been almost 7 months since bomb day and we are still having this back and forth. At some point during dinner she took my hand and apologized for leaving and that she should have stayed or told me she was thinking of leaving. Then she mentioned that we would need to go to counseling, which I heard before but again, to me hopeful signs. I don't know what to do right now, just giving her space. I haven't cried in years let alone in front of her so it took me by surprise. I thought I was a lot stronger. I agree, I expected way to much, obviously attached to a specific outcome. Thank you for the insight.

  3. #13
    Originally Posted by ninjabib
    First of all you need to block your ex wife on everything. Well done for realsiing that on your own but do it now.

    Never meet up with her, cut all contact. When you met up with her she released everything on you which she had no right as you are not a couple but guess what? You allowed it so that is on you. She made a choice to walk and see other men so she needs to talk to them about her issues. Not you. Are you her emotional sponge?

    Why are you supporting her financially?!? You are both seperated. You have no children, i don't understand. Again maybe this is US (i assume) law??

    Shes even been honest and said she contacts you and sees you when she misses you. That is great for her but awful for you.

    YOu can either cut all contact and stick to it and move on with your life and meet someone who wants to be with you or remain her'friend' where she gets everything she wants and you get nothing you want until you are cmpletely crushed.


    It really is upto you.
    Hey thanks for the reply. Unfortunately its a military law, she rates a portion of my housing allowance. If I do not, I can be hit with back pay and other nasty things. It sucks but there isn't anything I can do, its mandated by higher. Yes she told me later in the night that she was selfish, that she agreed to meet up with me because she missed me. Its been a slow journey for me, I guess I am learning my lessons.

  4. #14
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    OP the other side of things that also concern me but you have just mentioned is that she left without communicating.

    This is evidence of how she deals with problems and it not good. Say you got back together what's to stop her doing this again?


    Thanks for clearing up the finance thing for me. I'm learning a lot about US law today! Is that for the rest of your life or a set amount of time?

  5.  

  6. #15
    Originally Posted by ninjabib
    OP the other side of things that also concern me but you have just mentioned is that she left without communicating.

    This is evidence of how she deals with problems and it not good. Say you got back together what's to stop her doing this again?


    Thanks for clearing up the finance thing for me. I'm learning a lot about US law today! Is that for the rest of your life or a set amount of time?
    Yeah I told her that I was worried that if she left me once she would do it again. She communicated every wrong thing that I have ever done during the breakup, numerous times, I have always listened and never argued. There was no cheating or physical violence but I could of communicated better and been there for her. I always tried to fix things instead of just listening. She did start a new job last year and that is when everything started to change. She was working a lot and when she would come home she would constantly be on the phone with her female boss. We stopped doing things we used to do together. Even now she tells me how stressed she is with her job and how many hours she has to work.

    Right as we got married I got stationed in Japan for 2 years without my wife. I almost didn't take the orders but we both believed we could make it work. Last night she said she wanted to hurt me because she was living in squaller conditions while I was in Japan which I don't remember that at all. I paid the rent in a nice apartment located in a nice part of town, all utilities and even gave her $600 on top of what she was making at her job at the time. She said she was so bad off that she was just eating water melon. I have no recollection of this, we have great finances, I have been saving and investing since I was 21 years old. We spent so much time on skype during the weekends, there would be days where we would be on Skype for 12 hours straight, we would be gaming together etc. We communicated constantly. I just don't get where she is getting this from, its like I am in the twilight zone a different reality.

  7. #16
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    Ok the long distance adds a different spin on things but who is lying. It sounds like you set her up nicely yet she says you left her with nothing. You say you cannot remember. Have you had a head injury or some issues from military service?

    If you got back together would you have to be long distance again or can you remain close to one another all the time?

    Also her job sounds like it's a major stressor in her life. If you get back together and she hates her job is she go. A take it out on the relationship?

  8. #17
    Originally Posted by ninjabib
    Ok the long distance adds a different spin on things but who is lying. It sounds like you set her up nicely yet she says you left her with nothing. You say you cannot remember. Have you had a head injury or some issues from military service?

    If you got back together would you have to be long distance again or can you remain close to one another all the time?

    Also her job sounds like it's a major stressor in her life. If you get back together and she hates her job is she go. A take it out on the relationship?
    No head injury. I really don't understand, I have always taken care of all the bills, never asked for a dime. Bought her nice things.

    I retire in 3 months so there will not be an opportunity for long distance again. She mentioned the other night that she thought about quitting her job and traveling with me this summer. Its things like that she says that confuses me. She did also say that she was looking at different jobs because this company doesn't take care of her employees so I don't know. I just wish she never started working there, everything started changing after that.

  9. #18
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    That is strange that she would say such lies about the housing situation. I really can't understand why she would do that. Maybe guilt tripping for you for leaving even though she agreed to it is all I can think of.


    Sounds good that long distance and her job wouldnt be an issue if you ever managed to sort things out but it sounds like she doesn't want too. Also once they have left once their other half they usually finds it a lot easier to leave a second time.

    I would tread very carefully.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You are both pulling the bandaid off, but instead of ripping it off, you are slowly tearing it and feeling every small hair it's pulling.

    You both need to stop. It's normal to mourn the loss of a relationship, it's normal to miss each other, that doesn't mean you should be back together.

    The fact alone that your dinner went back into talking about the problems that broke you up is very cringe worthy and a huge reg flag that neither of you are healed or okay with being back together.
    Whatever doubts or pain or hurts or disappointments there were that tore you apart...still are very fresh in both of your minds and it's not going to go away any time soon.

    I don't know if you can ever fully repair this or have a chance at being a couple again. If I were honest with you, I'd say the chances are slim to none.
    Your issues were fairly bad and quite complicated, trying to get it back to good like it was, will be like putting toothpaste back into the tube after it's been squeezed out.

    Right now, you are both feeling lonely, at a loss, confused, hurt, disappointed, maybe even still somewhat angry. You can't help each other and it's only going to keep you both from healing and getting better to keep contacting each other.

    All you can do right now is stay NC, get counselling or whatever it is you need to help fix the problems in yourself that caused this and help heal the pain from this loss.
    It really is going to be like picking at a sore every time you start to heal and contact each other again...it won't work.

    Both of your focus should be on healing from all this pain and you won't find that in each other. You've tried, it doesn't work.

  11. #20
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    First off, you are not weak for crying or for feeling the way you feel. This is very normal and human. Obviously you have not completely moved on and it can take time. There's no deadline or time limit to healing from a break up and try not to beat yourself up.

    Even though your date did not got as expected I wouldn't say that this is a set back. Yes, you went in with high hopes and expected more but the key is that you learned from this. It hurts but now you have a clearer understanding of what's going on.

    I could be wrong but I feel like she is only reaching out at this point out of loneliness and familiarity. I'm sure she loves and cares for you but I don't think that she is in any place to reconcile. She probably feels bad because she keeps reaching out after you've told her not to and I don't think she is trying to hurt you but at the same time we are all human and do things without thinking of how it may hurt someone else.

    I'm proud of you for recognizing that you may not be ready for talking/dating anyone else right now. I encourage you to keep working on yourself and focusing on you for now. If no contact is working I'd suggest going back to that until you are ready to talk without any holes or expectations. If she reaches out continue to ignore until it feels right for you. At the end of the day you have to guard and protect your heart and you know that's best. Actions do speak much louder than words.

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