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Thread: Retroactive jealousy

  1. #11
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Im soon turning 25 and there is still time to gain some more sexual experience. I know this idea doesnt make any sense because i would like to be with her and im not the kind of person who would go on to have one night stands etc just for the sake of having them. She loves me in way i think no one else ever could. I just dont know if i can genuinly love her. However, i fear that if i cant get over my RJ or our relationship fails for some other reason, i would regret not going for something else when i still had the chance.
    Its not RJ you are experiencing its incompatibility.

    You have different morals and sensibilities than her. She's got a different view of what is and isn't appropriate and your feelings on that incompatibility are quite normal. Just because she or we don't think that she should be ashamed of what she has done, it doesn't mean you should feel obligated to accept things that do not sit well with you. Loving her is secondary when you are not compatible sexually, morally etc.

    You just have to decide if you trust that she has changed and will be able to happily remain monogamous with you for a lifetime or until the two of you end the relationship for other reasons, can you tear down your personal boundaries and sense of morals? Can you do that? If you can't then get yourself out of this relationship, heal and find a chica you will be happy to bring home to meet mom because she is more like you in personal sensibilities.

  2. #12
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    Can I add also, you are not old by any means OP. Provided you don't die of some unnatural causes, you easily maybe have another sixty years to live. Plenty of time to experiment and experience things. I don't think you should worry about that.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Its not RJ you are experiencing its incompatibility.

    You have different morals and sensibilities than her. She's got a different view of what is and isn't appropriate and your feelings on that incompatibility are quite normal. Just because she or we don't think that she should be ashamed of what she has done, it doesn't mean you should feel obligated to accept things that do not sit well with you. Loving her is secondary when you are not compatible sexually, morally etc.

    You just have to decide if you trust that she has changed and will be able to happily remain monogamous with you for a lifetime or until the two of you end the relationship for other reasons, can you tear down your personal boundaries and sense of morals? Can you do that? If you can't then get yourself out of this relationship, heal and find a chica you will be happy to bring home to meet mom because she is more like you in personal sensibilities.
    Well, this part I agree with, the values definitely have to be the same or similar regarding major things like sexual behaviours. My fiance and I are both pretty wild but if one of us wasn't, it might have been a problem.

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    @Tiny Dance, yes I realize I was judging, which I normally don't do, or try not to, but yeah I am owning it, guilty as charged.

    But nevertheless, the OP is still entitled to his own feelings about it; feelings are never right or wrong, they just "are."

    It's what we choose to do with those feelings that's important.

    He's not comfortable with her promiscuous past, her lying and her obsessive need to over-share, which is his right without being criticized or told he's "wrong" for having those feelings.

    I wouldn't be comfortable with all that either if roles were flipped. I would end it and find a man who was a better fit for me, and I for him.

    For me, the same standards I hold for women, I hold for men too, at least the men I choose to date and have relationships with.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 05-12-2019 at 12:57 PM.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    Always remember that a person's past has turned them in the person you fell in love with.

    I don't think she's telling you all these stories to make you feel jealous. She's young, she might think she's just being honest. She'll grow up to find that her past is hers and hers only. She is not obligated to share it.

    You have no right to ask for her "number". It's hers. If you feel that you need to see more people, but not out of insecurity, but for the experience, go for it. If you want to work it out with her, honestly, the one thing you need to understand is what I said in the beginning. Her past moulded her into the girl you fell in love with and noone can change the past.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I agree that he's entitled to feel whatever he feels.

    But the idea that she is a liar or maybe getting her age off by six months when she lost her virginity? That's a bit much. I know when I lost mine, who with, but I'm not sure if I was 16 or 17. Right around there, and all that was 20 some years ago—whatever.

    I'm also not buying this idea that she is some obsessive ovesharer. They've been dating for nine months. In that time you generally learn a thing or two about the life someone has lived. With the right people, that stuff can be sweet. Here, it's not—no biggie, but no need to pull out the scarlet letters.

    What's ironic to me here is that it seems like this woman has, yet again, met a man who doesn't treat her with dignity but instead objectifies her. He basically thinks his girlfriend is a sl*t, which sucks for both of them. Sucks that it seems she still self-identifies like that, since she's also young and, odds are, probably has a pretty tame and normal past in the grand history of human behavior. Hopefully she resolves that on her own, in time, but she's not getting any help on that path in this current relationship, just as OP isn't getting what he needs.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    When people have different moral guide lines it doesn't necessarily mean that he is not treating her with dignity or that he objectifies her or that he basically thinks she is a sl*t. It just means that they do not have the same ideals and sensibilities and therefore it is weighing on his own personal boundaries. I don't think it is helpful to make him feel guilty for what his basic ideals are. It seems unfair to me to judge him just while pointing out how she has been judged.

    They are, at a base level, incompatible and that's okay that they have a different set of values. There is someone out there for both of them that matches up better to their way of doing and thinking.

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