No communication in between our dates

[Bella1010]

Hi everyone, I just wanted to get some thoughts on whether you think this is just how my boyfriend is wired, or if it’s something else that I should be concerned about.

We’ve been together 8 months now, and things have progressed quite slowly because our schedules and both having children allow us to see each other 2 times per week. Maybe a third time but just very briefly in the morning for a coffee before work. He is extremely busy with long hours, works 6 days a week, single dad, dogs, very much into upkeep of his home/garden and both of his kids play sports in which he’s very involved in. So I get that communication in between the times we get together may be the last thing on his mind. However in the very early stages of our relationship, the first month he was great at keeping up the connection. Then that slowly faded. He went through a stressful time for a couple of months and the communication then got better. I supposed I was the one he leaned on, as I would receive some texts here and there and an phone call from him. But again, when that issue was resolved a couple of months ago, the communication went back to the way it was. I brought it up a few weeks ago, that I would like to hear from him and it seemed like he had no idea this was a problem although I brought it up previously. He said he would make that effort. Well he really hasn’t.

I’d like to add that when I do try to get in touch with him, he will be quick to reply to all of my texts and answer my calls. But very rarely will he be the one to initiate. And perhaps I beat him to the punch because I have only allowed a couple of days to pass until I contact him.

Could it be that he’s just comfortable and settled in now, and we have a routine where we see each other every few days that he feels it isn’t necessary? Or is this something you all think I should be worried about?

[reinventmyself]

It sounds like this is his attachment style, with the exception of the very beginning and though you are hoping for change, you might have to accept that - this is who he is.
Is this something you can live with?
You've asked for change, there was a slight shift but it didn't take. So, what you see it what you get.

Is this something you should worry about? That's up to you. What exactly would be your concern? That he has another life or he is compartmentalizing his life?
Ultimately you get to decide if this works for you.

He seems to have a lot on his plate and at the same time it's understandable that you would like to keep the connection going in between the times together.

Even though I tend to be the overly independent one in my relationships, I do experience a disconnect or detachment with out the benefit of some sort of communication during the times apart.

You are entitled to feel they way you do.
You are also entitled to choose a partner that meets your needs.
In the meantime I would give him the gift of missing you.
No one person should not do all the heavy lifting.

[JenCrowley]

Seems to me that both of you have different expectations when it comes to communication in a relationship. You expect more communication than he does. Neither side is necessarily wrong in this, it's just different and, ideally, the two of you will work together and compromise on your differences in expectations when it comes to the level of communication in your relationship.

If the two of you are unable to compromise and if you truly believe that your needs are not being met when it comes to the level of communication in your relationship, you need to ask yourself the following: is this a deal breaker? That is, is this something that you are unable to live with and tolerate? No partner is 100% perfect. There will always be SOME qualities about the other person that we don't like. So long as these qualities are not deal breakers, we can learn to live with them and accept them. If, however, it really and truly is a deal breaker, then the relationship must end. This is because you will never be able to have a healthy, thriving relationship with someone whom you are not fully accepting of.

[WithLove]

I dated someone for a few months that wasn't all that into "in between" communication, also. We lived almost an hour apart and only saw each other on weekends, and I rarely heard from him during the week. I asked advise about this as well, and the advice I got was that I needed to let him know that a little more communication was important to me in regards to fostering a blossoming relationship, although I shouldn't expect it to change drastically since he wasn't altogether into massive amounts of texting or calling.

I did tell him that I felt like our connection was fading based on the lack of communication, and it did improve after that. He made it a habit to call me every day on his way home from work - a 15 minute drive or so. It wasn't much, but it was enough to keep up the feeling of communication so that I didn't feel so disconnected from him anymore. And if we had lasted, that small daily 15 minute (or so) phone call would have been enough for me.

[Afireblue]

I brought it up a few weeks ago, that I would like to hear from him and it seemed like he had no idea this was a problem although I brought it up previously. He said he would make that effort. Well he really hasn’t. ?

It sounds like you made the healthy decision to communicate your concerns to him, did he explain why he wasn't communicating as much?

It could be that he has settled and the honeymoon phase has passed for him or it could be that this is how he really is.

I would make one more attempt at telling him your communication needs, and your need to keep the spark in the relationship should be share by both of you. Don't let resentment built within you, you are now founding the basis for what could be a future together.

Best of luck

[j.man]

Eerily similar to another thread, and I'll pose the same question to you as I did to them. When it comes to the actual substance, as in you two going on dates and physically being together, who's putting in the bulk of the effort, planning, paying, etc.? It's one thing to have differing communication styles, but it is another when (traditionally and commonly) the guy is putting in the footwork for getting together, while your responsibility is simply to take initiative in keeping in touch the way you'd like to keep in touch. The fact he's very receptive and responsive to your communicating in your fashion, even though it likely isn't his own manner, I think is plenty excusable and indeed acceptable if he's putting in at least equal effort into otherwise advancing the relationship, especially considering all the effort he's putting into his life and kids on top of it.

Now if you simply need a guy who takes it upon themselves to call and text as often as you'd like, then that's its own consideration. I'd incline myself to look for someone who is into texting and calling rather than getting someone to begrudgingly appeal to your communication style. There's plenty of space later down the line for compromise. Making it about texting IMO sets the bar stupidly low. I like seeing who people are and how they're comfortable and inclined to be, communication styles and all, and making a decision for myself from there. It did me pretty well.

[Bella1010]

The paying and planning of dates I would say is split right in the middle. We take turns visiting each other and paying for dinners. I certainly do not want to base the relationship on frequency of communication between dates, and I’m trying to understand from his perspective because I think, maybe he just knows we are going to see each other on x day, so maybe he doesn’t see the point, or he’s so caught up in life that it doesn’t cross his mind.

But a couple of months ago, he did text, he did call. I never felt insecure and now that’s fallen off, I am feeling insecure. I don’t think he’s doing anything he shouldn’t be doing, it’s just the feeling of “he’s not into me” kicks in. Now if it were just him feeling comfortable and settled in, I understand that. But I wonder if he’s lost interest.

[abitbroken]

Relationships with divorced parents move a lot slower than with single people. If you consistently go on 2 dates a week and sometimes see eachother a third time, and he does respond to you quickly when you text or call, he works six days a week and he has custody of his active kids on top of it -- I think that's actually pretty good. If the relationship progressed to something that was headed towards a commitment, you would probably be involved with the kids, too. This guy hardly has a moment to breathe - and yet he's going on 2.5 dates a week with you. That has got to count for something. You have to decide if he's worth the wait until your relationship grows and you are more integrated into his life or if he is someone you rather throw back in the sea for someone with no kids

[Bella1010]

Great point, abitbroken. I’m definitely willing to give it some time because I care so much about him and hope maybe one day, we can have a future.

And I’m glad your brought up the possibility of being involved with his kids if it were to progress. I have kids as well and at the point in our relationship where I feel comfortable introducing him. Yet, he has not brought it up. Could this also be a sign he does not see me as someone he can ever be serious with?

[j.man]

The paying and planning of dates I would say is split right in the middle. We take turns visiting each other and paying for dinners. I certainly do not want to base the relationship on frequency of communication between dates, and I’m trying to understand from his perspective because I think, maybe he just knows we are going to see each other on x day, so maybe he doesn’t see the point, or he’s so caught up in life that it doesn’t cross his mind.

But a couple of months ago, he did text, he did call. I never felt insecure and now that’s fallen off, I am feeling insecure. I don’t think he’s doing anything he shouldn’t be doing, it’s just the feeling of “he’s not into me” kicks in. Now if it were just him feeling comfortable and settled in, I understand that. But I wonder if he’s lost interest.

If he's responsible for his kids, is on top of their sports and extra cirriculars, and working six days a week, yet still manages to swing three dates in with you, I highly doubt that.

Look, if it's the hill you want to die on, go for it. You know the quality of your relationship aside from this issue better than any of us. You know just how much you need calls and texts better than us. But from my perspective, I think it's digging up drama where it needn't be dug up.