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Thread: how do i accept what i did to lose him

  1. #1

    how do i accept what i did to lose him

    I just want to start off by saying that i know everything i did was too far but i did it out of fear and being hurt. I've learnt my lesson. I'm not in a good place and i haven't been able to eat or sleep because we never got the closure i needed to move on so i guess i want outside advice.

    We originally met as a one night stand and we met up a few times after but i wanted to end it as i made it clear it was a mistake and i really wasn't looking for casual sex, but before christmas he persuaded me that he wanted the same thing and we should date to see where things go. Honestly it was the most intense, happy and most exciting 6/7 months, we spent about 5 nights/days a week together so we got close pretty fast and i guess i caught feelings so hard.He repeatdely told me he loved seeing me and he had feelings for me, However it wasn't perfect, he started to get really bad at replying and i'd get a text back hours later even if he'd been online posting. So one night i asked him what was going on and i found out that he was speaking to his ex, who was wit him for 5 years and they only broke up in the summer before university, every day and they had a snapchat streak of nearly 100. I know it sounds pathetic because i agree that you can be friends with your ex but i felt like he didn't but nearly as much effort into speaking to me and he started to get distant.
    Anyway he convinced me that he had no feelings for her and i started seeing him again. He was really bad for going on nights out and posting pictures with girls he'd met but since he wasn't my boyfriend i had no right to get annoyed about it, but then one morning he came round and i noticed a love bite on his neck and i freaked out because it definately wasn't from me. After a brief moment or so he told me he got it from his friend in a drinking game but i didn't believe it and we didn't speak for a month because he blocked me. I started to miss him so i reached out to him on a different social media platform and we started meeting up again after easter had passed. When we got back it never really was the same, he only wanted to meet up about 1 time a week and he started going out with his friends a lot more and wanting to stay with them and smoke weed every night instead of coming over. I guess i just felt a little hurt but i can't control what he wanted to do. He eventually ended things and told me he didn't want to be with me and couldn't see a future with me just before summer started which just broke my heart because apparently i was too crazy and paranoid for him. I agree i probably should've trusted him more.
    After this i got super upset and i was begging him not to end things and i know i should've let him leave. Anyway, in summer after a few months had passed he knew i was going to the area where he lives on a family holiday so he unblocked me and got into contact which made me super happy. We agreed a cute evening just spending time together. When we met, things were off and he wouldn't speak to me much and he spent the entire time on his phone and he got his little brother to come over so they could smoke weed so i felt really uncomfortable. The whole time i felt like they were laughing at me because nobody said anything to me. He took me upstairs to have sex but i got upset because i didn't want to and he shouted at me and asked why i bothered coming to see him if i didn't want to have sex. I apologised for being miserable and gave in. He drove me home and i woke up the next morning to see that i'd been blocked on every social media platform and i was so heart broken for the rest of summer and i promised myself i wouldn't see him again because i didn't really understand what i'd done wrong. I just felt used.
    When second year started he reached out to me but i said i'd be okay just being friends but he continued to ask to see me and persuaded me by saying that we're more than friends and we would see where things go again. I gave in and my feelings quickly came back. I then found out that he'd been seeing other girls at the same time because we'd never agreed to be exclusive so i was hurt that he had persuaded me into seeing him again. He told me that he never had feelings for me and it had always just been casual sex to him, even first year, and it wasn't his fault that he couldn't feel the same way. I understand that i was just so hurt that he had used me again. I was blocked for christmas break because i had messaged him and called him lots to talk about things.
    When we came back to uni, he told me he would be exclusive so i started seeing him again. Valentines day quickly arrived and i went over to his house and he had already been drinking and he was stoned so i was a little disappointed but i didn't say anything. His friends came into his room while he finished getting ready and he started talking about this "fit as f**k" girl that he'd met over christmas break and i got upset and told him i felt uncomfortable and disrespected that he was talking about other girls in front of me because no girl wants to hear about that? Maybe it ws just me being crazy again. He got really angry at me and started reading out the messages i'd sent before christmas and i got upset and ran home.
    He didn't speak to me for a week and i started to miss him and i felt bad about what had happened so i begged him to call me, eventually he did but i was in a lecture at the time so i couldn't pick up the phone and he messaged me saying how he can "get any girl he wants and he wasn't going to waste his time on an immature pathethic girl like me". And so i was blocked again before i had the chance to tell him i was just unavailable. At this point i started doing things i regret, i made another social media account to reach out to him and tell him i wasn't ignoring him. I sent him so many messages saying i was sorry and i even messaged his friends to have a word with him.
    Our arguments are really hurtful, he'd call me immature, tell me that his little sister is less difficult than me, he'd even point out that im pathetic for not putting my face in pictures on instagram or facetime and that he didn't care that i had no confidence, it was pointless to be insecure. He told me that he had no feelings for me and i was just sex.
    We eventually made up and everything was amazing until easter. We started speaking to each other loads and spending so much time together i was finally happy. And then i messed up and i wanted to speak to him about what would happen after easter. He told me he had feelings for me and that he would love to see me and we would meet up in the summer HOWEVER, we would NEVER be together because he didn't want a relationship or be tied down dating someone in the summer or when he had placement next year. I wasn't sure if i wanted to end things before easter or when summer arrived, and instead of him speaking to me about things he ignored me for a week and in that time i got super worked up. eventually he replied and told me he wanted to see other girls over easter but he would see me back at uni but i thought it was unfair so i got more upset, and eventually after ignoring me for a few more days he told me he didn't want to see me at all and i was blocked again.
    I spent the next 4 weeks creating social media accounts to reach out to him because i was so heart broken that i had lost him for good, i apologised and tried to fix it and i told him i wanted to spend as much time with him as i could. He eventually started calling me a fking freak, a psycho, a stalker, messed up and other hurtful things which i know that i deserved because it's not normal to do the things i did and i know i pushed him away by acting crazy i was just so hurt that he'd left after telling me he had feelings.
    He unblocked me after a few days that i hadn't messaged him and i asked to see him and he told me hadn't moved on and to hold tight and he would let me know when he can see me. The next day i messaged him and he told me he was seeing someone so he couldn't meet me but i should be happy for him. The only reason we had argued so much was because we wanted different things, i wanted to be with him and he only ever wanted casual sex and to not be tied down so i stuck around, knowing he was dating someone after only a month had passed has ruined me. All i do is blame myself for acting crazy and i know i shouldn't have ever done it but i was so scared of losing him. He told me that i had asked for this and it was my fault, i was only ever casual so it wasn't like he had moved on fast. I was so upset that 3 weeks ago he had told me he had feelings for me and within the time of falling out he fell for someone new. However he also told me that i had ruined my chance of being withh him and that i was my own fault why i'm upset, but hes also told me it was just casual? So i don't know if i should keep blaming myself or realise it wouldn't have worked out anyway.
    I think i wouldn't have ever acted the way i did but every time something happened or i wanted to talk about how i feel he would tell me he didn't care and then he would ignore me for a week until i calm down and apologise for being upset about something. He never just let me talk, i would just get blocked. I think it all built up inside of me and i am just so hurt. I know i took it too far and i'll never act crazy again.

    I just want advice on how i accept whats happened and move on? I can't sleep without thinking of him with another girl and knowing he's fine while i'm heart broken and struggling. I know i'm the bad person in all of this but i was scared and hurt and i had an unreal amount of love for him and it was never given back, so seeing him give it to someone else is tearing me apart. How do i stop thinking about it and blaming myself and accept and move on?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Have you read up on "teen dating violence" warning signs? Or googled "abusive and controlling relationships"? [Register to see the link]

    Check on campus or with your parents to look into some short term therapy to sort all this out and to get some tips on what respectful healthy relationships look like.
    Originally Posted by brooks468
    He took me upstairs to have sex but i got upset because i didn't want to and he shouted at me and asked why i bothered coming to see him if i didn't want to have sex. I apologised for being miserable and gave in. He drove me home and i woke up the next morning to see that i'd been blocked on every social media platform

  3. #3
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    Wow!!!

    Do you not talk to friends or family about your personal affairs? Because you really should!!!

    This guy has NEVER promised you anything other than sex and yes he had feelings for you, physical urges!

    “The only reason we had argued so much was because we wanted different things, i wanted to be with him and he only ever wanted casual sex”

    That is your words. YOU knew this! And you willingly kept seeing him despite it.

    Why???

    And in future if you “need” to create another profile to enable you to message someone , realise that they don’t want to hear from you. They blocked you ! It doesn’t matter what you say under a false profile. They don’t care.

    Please stop with the crazy attitude. And realise that just because ONE person rejects you , it doesn’t mean that others won’t accept you. Stop chasing acceptance from someone that never will and be available to those that will!

    I

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    You.are.not.crazy.
    He's a jerk.
    You put blame on yourself for acting crazy just because you have "feelings" for him that were probably just lust. What I mean is, that you valued him way more than he deserved based on lust. We tend to do that. After that, you basically treated him as a god. You accepted what he thought was true even though your instinct (RIGHTFULLY SO) were telling you the complete opposite. He told you you're crazy, you thought it must be true. Well, it's not. I promise you that. The only thing you did wrong is not tell him what you really want from the get go and dump him if he didn't want the same. Sure, exclusivity and relationships are not defined early on, but there's no exact time frame. You set the timeframe. If it bothers you, you ask for it. If he can't deliver, you leave. I'm trying to do the same btw, I'm not pretending to have it all sorted out. I am extremely mad at your guy right now.

    This guy was manipulating you since the beginning and I dare to say he basically forced you into having sex that day when he took you upstairs. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

    He knew how you felt yet he still pursued you just because
    he thought by saying "it's just casual" he'll be honest and ok. Well it's not ok, he's a jerk. Tell me something, would you pursue someone you had no feels for knowing they are head over heels for you? Or would you just let them go because it isn't fair? What kind of person do you think actually continues? Hint: a jerk.

    I am saying all these with care, I've been in your position. I am mad at your guy so it might sound harsh, sorry about that. But you deserve WAY much better than this and I can't stress this enough, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG AND YOU'RE NOT CRAZY. He sensed your insecurities and low confidence that drove you to treat him like a god and is taking advantage of it.

    "The only reason we had argued so much was because we wanted different things, i wanted to be with him and he only ever wanted casual sex and to not be tied down"

    This is the only true thing you wrote. We, and I'm using we because I recently made the same mistake, must figure out when to leave. When you realize you want different things, you leave. Anything other than that leads to heartbreak and worse.

    You need to build your confidence, the only way I started to do that is through therapy. With low confidence, jerks like this always track us down because we're the best victims.

    Please understand that you're not crazy and it's not your fault.

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  6. #5
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    What's happened is that he was never serious about you and has always treated you like a back-up option - and unfortunately, you didn't have enough respect for yourself to walk away from it.

    It's true you went overboard by creating new social media accounts to contact him and begging him to call you. But girl, this isn't a guy who was ever going to be your boyfriend. He is very immature and has no respect for you. You acting like a stage-5 clinger didn't help matters but it isn't the real reason why this never worked out. The real reason is that he just doesn't feel the same way about you that you do about him.

    It's time to take this joker off the pedestal you've erroneously placed him on. He's too young and emotionally immature for a serious relationship and wants to be free and single and date other girls. Let him. He isn't the one for you and he never was. I don't think you had an "unreal amount of love" for him, but you let your self-esteem get all tied up in his opinion of you. When he was paying attention, you felt great and were willing to sweep all the other bad behaviour under the rug. When he kicked out of his life and blocked you, you panicked. That isn't love, really. It's an unhealthy attachment.

    You are going to be okay again. This dude is no prize, believe me. When you are healed, you will wonder why you were so mental over him. Until then, work on your self-esteem. It's low enough that you will have a hard time walking away from the next guy who treats you like this.

  7. #6
    I kept seeing him because he said the right things, he would tell me he had feelings for me and that he loved seeing me and he would always unblock me and suggest doing something together. I'm never going to make another profile to contact someone, i'm so ashamed of it and I only ever created them because me being blocked was never a permanent thing and if it was I wouldn't have ever done it.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by brooks468
    I kept seeing him because he said the right things, he would tell me he had feelings for me and that he loved seeing me and he would always unblock me and suggest doing something together. I'm never going to make another profile to contact someone, i'm so ashamed of it and I only ever created them because me being blocked was never a permanent thing and if it was I wouldn't have ever done it.
    When you're a little older and more experienced, you will be able to identify this as a red flag.

    A guy who is truly serious about you doesn't pull the juvenile blocking-unblocking crap, doesn't feed you lines to get you into bed, doesn't resist making things official. I realize it felt flatting in the moment, and I would say many of us have fallen for it at some point, but it's not to be taken seriously. Someone who is a relationship candidate will treat you well, consistently. He won't barge in and out of your life, talk about other hot girls in front of you, or yell at you when you don't want sex.

    Use this a learning experience. Actions speak louder than words. And this guy's words meant very little with respect to the way he was treating you.

  9. #8
    Thank you for your advice. I think i'm so upset because i'm embarrassed and ashamed of making social media accounts but I guess it means that i'll learn from my mistakes and never ever do something like that again. It really isn't like me. He was older than me so he made me feel like I was immature and I did apologise so many times for making accounts but I guess he never apologised once for the things he had said to hurt me and drive me to feel like this. I know my actions were really wrong and hes never realised how hurtful he was by using me and coming back into my life knowing i cared about him a lot, and that the things he did have really destroyed me. At least I was sorry for what I did unlike him. I just wish I left earlier.

  10. #9
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    Most of us have that one guy in our past who drove us bananas, OP, and they are usually the guys who least deserved our attention. Try not to beat yourself up too much over this. Learn from it, but don't let it define you.

    Trust me when I say this kid isn't the pinnacle of maturity. He think he is, but I rolled my eyes hard at a few of the things you described about him. Guys like him are a dime a dozen and nothing special.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    i haven't been able to eat or sleep because we never got the closure i needed to move on
    Closure is for the movies. It's to satisfy an audience that paid for a ticket. Most people never get such satisfying endings in real life, so it's on us to create our own finality and adopt the most useful narratives to move ourselves forward.

    It's a milestone of maturity to learn how to be on our own side. This doesn't mean justifying bad choices we make or rationalizing behavior that hasn't served us, it means recognizing that we own the option to learn from our mistakes or continue repeating them.

    My own private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who's remained in contact with an ex, in any way, shape or form, beyond shared children, and you've learned WHY. This doesn't mean I'll shut down any future potential with an otherwise perfectly good guy just because I've met him at a lousy time, it just means I'll avoid fooling myself that I'll somehow influence him to love me enough to drop her if I stick around. That's a set up for disaster.

    I'd rather tell the guy, "I really like you, and I can picture the two of us together in the future. That's why I need to walk away while we both still think highly one another--to preserve that potential. You get to take all the time you want to finish your old business, and if you ever find yourself free and clear of all contact, and you're completely over all exes, then you can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we'll meet to catch up. Otherwise, i wish you the best."

    From there, you're liberated from trying to 'convert' anyone into loyalty toward you, because that's a lose/lose. All the 'words' in the word could never convince you to fully trust one who has never demonstrated that he's trust-WORTHY, and of his own accord. Trust must be earned--so trying to convince someone to want the same things you want only demo's for users and flakes the right things to 'say' in order to fool you.

    Skip that. Lesson learned, and head high. We each get to decide whether we'll use our experiences as self-teaching devices to build UP our own confidence in our judgment moving forward, or whether we'll use our experiences to torture ourselves and drill a deeper hole to climb out of.

    Choose wisely, it's a decision.


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