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Thread: Should I Just Let Him Go?

  1. #1
    mpthecat's Avatar
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    Should I Just Let Him Go?

    I already got to a place where I know that he doesnít want this but I yet to reach the place of acceptance and letting go, thatís why I need some advice and reassurance and decided to ask for it. Also, it helps to write it out.

    So I started talking to this guy on Tinder about a month ago. He was okay and we chatted for a week. I didnít think much of him at the beginning because I wanted to focus on writing my book, work etc. He persuaded me to meet on the weekend.

    This was a big deal for me because I usually stay at home for the weekend to recharge and relax after a long working week, but I gave in. He came for me to my house and we spent the day together. He took me to his favorite place in the city where he would go to think, then because it was cold we went to his place. We fooled around a bit (kissing and light foreplay), talked, watched TV, then we went to eat something and he took me home.

    After that first date I wanted to push him away as I usually do, so I wrote to him the next day that I donít think this would work and told him that Iím transgender (pre-transition and he is a gay guy), hoping it would turn him away. It didnít and he begged me to continue on cause I really grabbed him and he wants to continue either way. He also told me he felt really bad after I wrote him so he went to the place where we went the day before to think. He convinced me to continue and I gave in. He would call me as much as he could during the day and write me in between, he planned the next weekend for us.

    He told me he misses me and canít wait for us to meet. Saturday came and he came to get me again. This time I slept at my best friendís place and he was so impatient for me to get ready, he came early and waited in the car for half an hour. He even bought a hair dryer because he didnít have one and I have longer hair. He had a job that afternoon (though he didnít plan it) and left me for a few hours at his place. I was okay with it cause I know his work is hectic. He works at movie shoots and he takes the crew with a car to different places whenever needed. His last relationship ended because of this, but at the beginning he told me, he now knows how to balance it and learnt from past mistakes and wants a relationship.

    He got used to a certain lifestyle since his parents are pretty comfortable money wise, but his parents doesn't care about him or his two siblings, they live alone in a big house with two dogs. This is something he can't forgive them because he shouldn't have to work 13-14 hour days from Monday to Friday, sometimes even weekends to get somewhere in life. This is important because money and his job is the most important thing in his life, but it's also destroing him, he barely sleeps, eats lots of junk food and doesn't have time for anything, but despite this, he still accepts the plus work, even on weekends.

    Anyway we spent the day and the next together, eating, talking, sleeping, smoking, light foreplay, kissing... then, he took me to the train station the next day and during that ride he asked me what do I think of us, future wise. I told him that I was reluctant at first but I enjoy being with him and I would like to try this thing out.

    He told me that because of his work schedule, he doesnít know how this would work out but that he is hopeful. Then his ex came up (he came up a few times before, they broke up 3-4 months ago, it was a 3 year relationship), and the ex contacted him that week cause of some bs reason. I asked if he wanted to meet him or if he wants to get back together with him and he told me that no, not at this moment, but anything could happen in a few years. That destroyed me and I cried the whole way home on the train. I let my guards down after 6-7 years, was honest about everything (from my rape to my fear of relationships) and there I was, feeling naked and afraid. We didnít talk that day but we did the next one.

    I told him that I felt ty because of what he said and he apologized. He still planned for us. He was thinking of giving me a key to his apartment so I can wait for him till he gets home from work. He even looked for bigger apartments for us, few months down the line. The next day I confessed everything to my mother (being trans, about this guy etc) cause I was tired of lying where I was going, I couldnít always pick up when he called etc. Ultimately, I can thank him for this because I wouldnít have done that without him. He planned for the weekend again, though he was working on Saurday so we settled on Sunday and decided to talk everything out then. But he became more distant over the course of the week and on Saturday he canceled Sunday because another work came up.

    Later that day he called to talk about us and asked for time, I agreed to give it to him, he told me he would call me back because he had to go, but he didnít. He was radio silent the next day and I decided to call him on Monday. We talked through the same thing and the conclusion is that he went into this too fast and didnít think it through and with his lifestyle and work schedule, plus knowing how this was always an issue in past relationships, he doesnít see how this can work right now. Again, he asked for time, I told him I will give it to him but only if I know that he thinks we have a chance. He said he canít say anything for sure and we should just relax for a while. He also told me he deleted Tinder cause he doesnít need it. Then, we didnít talk on Tuesday, but he called me on Wednesday, he talked about working that day too (it was labor day in my country) and then we stirred back talking about us. He still said what he said before, noting that after this shoot ends in October, he will change work and his lifestyle. If Iím still available and willing, weíll try then. But we should keep in contact and meet in between that because who knows how his life will change.

    After a while I said yes and then he had to go. There came a four days radio silence, since I felt him pulling away, I stopped writing him or calling him. On Sunday he called me again. This time he was upset about some co-workers and talked about that for 20 minutes. He then asked how I am and I confessed to him that I think I fallen for him. He said he felt the same thing when we were together the last time but since then he's been in survivor mode because since our last day together, he's been working everyday. I asked if he wants me out of his life and he told me no, telling me he will call the next day. He didn't. I got a bit angry and I wrote a lengthy message to him, an ultimatum if you will, that he either puts in the bare minimum or there is simply no place for me in his life. I also wrote that I don't want him to give up anything, don't want to move together, nothing like that, I just want him to at least put in the bare minimum to get to know each other better and see where it takes us. I waited till the next evening, but he still didn't call or write. I sent him the message and he called immediately telling me it's too long for him to read and I should tell him on the phone.

    I got a bit angry that he didn't care enough to read a longer message and told him if I mean anything to him, he will read it and then I cancelled the call. He called me two days later, telling the same thing he told before, we should remain friends for now, relax, meet when we can and talk when we can but he feels the same pressure he felt in his last relationship, he knows he has to change his lifestyle and work but he needs the money. (He makes a lot of money, he makes my yearly salary in a month...) He said I'm probably not okay with this relaxed route and in spite of him I told him that I'm okay with it. That's where we stand right now, it's been three days since then and we haven't talked.

    Reading this back, it seems like I pressured him right into this, but he started the whole thing with wanting a relationship, he pulled me back when I pushed him away, he brought up getting me a key, he looked at apartments for later on, I didn't pressure him on any of this. The only thing that was pressure from me the longer text I sent him this week to make a decision and that I confessed that I'm falling for him. The moment he didn't reply to my text for a day, I stopped writing him and/or calling him.

    The last two and a half weeks were brutal for me, I cried everyday, couldn't concentrate on anything. Quite honestly I understand he put himself under too much pressure to coordinate everything but eventually gave up. I also think unconsciously this might've been a sort of rebound thing for him, he still feels anger and resentment towards his ex. Why I can't let him go is pretty simple: since I'm transgender, gay guys doesn't really do it for me, with a few exceptions like him. And because I'm pre transition, my options in dating is pretty limited. He got that whole straight guy attitude, looks and charm. That's a big reason why I can't just let him go.

    My coping mechanism this weekend has been to act happy and show him that I'm not moping around when and if he calls. In the meantime, I'm trying to move on with my life and ease back into where I was before him. I'll answer his calls (or return them in time since I won't pick up when he'll call) and listen to him but knowing myself, I will get tired of him and his never ending cycles and his problems and one day I won't even call him back.

    Thank you for anyone that is reading and sorry for the long text!

  2. #2
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    HI, I think because your going through such a huge emotional change yourself, with your family making big big changes your bound to be feeling all types of feelings. Until your at the stage you want to be in life I don't think you can give your all right now as it should be focused on you - you also shouldn't be putting your body through all this crying. He seems like he wants commitment out of you but then wants to take it slow and see where it goes. For me in my personal life when I even hear the name or mention of an ex is warning bells. Unless that ex is dead or married and its a simple 'yes I had an ex no I don't speak to her' will i stay! Resentment towards an ex is still a feeling so I can't be dealing with that. Also you will meet someone else there are so many people in this world he is not the be all end all. You need a good pep talk and a hug thats all! Go do something that makes you feel good inside big or small. Let the cycle play out however you want it. But don't for a second think you will not find someone else. This is just the beginning x

  3. #3
    mpthecat's Avatar
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    Youíre such an awesome human being, thank you for that! Your reply even made me a bit tearful.

  4. #4
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    Anytime :)

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    I agree with Ironi in general and specifically for the ex red flag. I want to add that I think he also was pressuring too much in the beginning which is a red flag for me. It might seem romantic and all, but it generally doesn't go well, especially if you add the ex in the mix!

    I completely understand that your dating pool is smaller, but don't sell yourself short. You deserve way much more than a push and pull relationship.

    I've been looking into attachment styles lately, so typical me, I'd advise you to do the same. There's a lot of push and pull going on with avoidants and you might find it interesting. Even if that's not the case, it seems too soon for him to move on. Most of all though, you will find out a lot about your attachment style which is usually eye opening for most.

    Congrats on re introducing yourself to your mother! ❤️


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