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Secret Admirer, How Do I Get Beyond This?


thelonely

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I started a new job a little over 2 years ago. There was this very nice, funny, good looking guy there that would hide behind office furniture all over the building and jump out to scare me. After a couple of weeks of doing that he started putting his arm around me and hugging me daily. I really enjoyed it and man, did he smell good! We would have usual work small talk, as it was a very busy workplace and sometimes some light flirting when it appeared no one was around. It would have been extremely inappropriate at the time for it to be anything more given I was his supervisor and had a bf.

 

Skip ahead to now. I moved to another office and have been gone from the other one for 1.5 years now. I have thought of him often, but my move to the other office was sudden/not planned so I didn't get to say goodbye or even tell him I was leaving. I broke up with the bf around the same time as the move. A friend of mine from the old office posted something on Facebook the other day and this guy had commented on it. So, I struck up a bit of a conversation with him and then took it to private messages. I kept it professional and just asked about work and how he was doing. He answered my questions promptly, but never asked me anything and hasn't messaged me since.

 

I really want to get to know him better and get back to the fun place we were in. He used to tell me he was only coming to work to see me. We do have a lot in common. Maybe I misread him before? Or maybe I've been out of the dating game so long I don't know how to get back in it. It also doesn't help that I am really shy when it comes to personal matters. Or he's just lost interest in all that time (out of sight, out of mind). All I know is that we are now both single and I have never been able to get him out of my head.

 

HELP PLEASE!

 

Sent from my SM-N960W using Tapatalk

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I started a new job a little over 2 years ago. There was this very nice, funny, good looking guy there that would hide behind office furniture all over the building and jump out to scare me. After a couple of weeks of doing that he started putting his arm around me and hugging me daily. I really enjoyed it and man, did he smell good! We would have usual work small talk, as it was a very busy workplace and sometimes some light flirting when it appeared no one was around. It would have been extremely inappropriate at the time for it to be anything more given I was his supervisor and had a bf.

 

Skip ahead to now. I moved to another office and have been gone from the other one for 1.5 years now. I have thought of him often, but my move to the other office was sudden/not planned so I didn't get to say goodbye or even tell him I was leaving. I broke up with the bf around the same time as the move. A friend of mine from the old office posted something on Facebook the other day and this guy had commented on it. So, I struck up a bit of a conversation with him and then took it to private messages. I kept it professional and just asked about work and how he was doing. He answered my questions promptly, but never asked me anything and hasn't messaged me since.

 

I really want to get to know him better and get back to the fun place we were in. He used to tell me he was only coming to work to see me. We do have a lot in common. Maybe I misread him before? Or maybe I've been out of the dating game so long I don't know how to get back in it. It also doesn't help that I am really shy when it comes to personal matters. Or he's just lost interest in all that time (out of sight, out of mind). All I know is that we are now both single and I have never been able to get him out of my head.

 

HELP PLEASE!

 

Sent from my SM-N960W using Tapatalk

 

You seem already friend with him on Facebook. See what his reaction on every post that you make. You can start from there i think.

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It doesn’t sound like he was interested back then .

You worked with him for 6 months and when you left he never contacted you.

 

It doesn’t sound like he is interested now either given his minimalistic responses and no attempt to engage in further conversation.

 

You’ve already tried and nothing happened.

 

Expand your social circle if you want to get back into the dating scene.

Forget this guy.

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It's been 1.5 years since you broke up with your bf? Have you been dating since or did you recently stop dating someone / broke up with someone? Think of this other thing as a fond memory.

 

Get a good profile and some nice photos up on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men who are single and interested. He is clearly not interested in more than being politely replying to your friend request and pms.

I moved to another office and have been gone from the other one for 1.5 years now. I broke up with the bf around the same time as the move.

 

He answered my questions promptly, but never asked me anything and hasn't messaged me since.

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Just to add....

 

“It would have been extremely inappropriate at the time for it to be anything more given I was his supervisor and had a bf”

 

The interaction between you that you allowed was inappropriate never mind it progressing to anything more , not that he wanted it to.

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Thank you for all of your responses. I guess I will just let sleeping dogs lie.

 

To answer some of your questions.

- Yes, I'm sure he is single.

- No, I have not dated at all since I left my bf. I have been approached, but haven't met anyone that has really caught my attention.

- Even if either one of us wanted to reach out to the other after I left, we didn't have each other's contact information.

- He did invite me to a concert with him, but I didn't go. Not that I didn't want to, I had work obligations to take care of.

 

Again, thank you for all your input. I will leave it alone.

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Hi thelonely,

 

Though it appears you have made a decision to move on and forget about this particular guy, I wanted to belatedly tell you to go for it (I.e. ask him out, on a date). Because there is no reason not to, other than he may not be interested, and if he isn't no big deal.

 

I'm just not a big fan of 'reading the signals' and prefer a direct, straight up approach (you've been left wondering once already...)

 

Just an alternative perspective.

T

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Thank you for all of your responses. I guess I will just let sleeping dogs lie.

 

To answer some of your questions.

- Yes, I'm sure he is single.

- No, I have not dated at all since I left my bf. I have been approached, but haven't met anyone that has really caught my attention.

- Even if either one of us wanted to reach out to the other after I left, we didn't have each other's contact information.

- He did invite me to a concert with him, but I didn't go. Not that I didn't want to, I had work obligations to take care of.

 

Again, thank you for all your input. I will leave it alone.

 

 

When did he invite you to this concert?

 

I was going to say to leave it alone, until I read this. He did ask you out, and you declined, because you had a work commitment, which is fine. Did you offer an alternative? Or did you just say "No, I have work to do"?

 

Offering an alternative would have let him know you're interested: "I'd love to go, but I have a work commitment. Can we get together another time? I'm free on Thursday".

 

I think he backed off because you told him no, but give me the circumstances, because there may still be hope here.

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He asked me when I was still working there. I did say maybe another time, but I was gone soon after that unexpectedly. The company informed me end of day Friday that I would be at a new location on the Monday. Something had happened at the new location and they needed me immediately.

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He asked me when I was still working there. I did say maybe another time, but I was gone soon after that unexpectedly. The company informed me end of day Friday that I would be at a new location on the Monday. Something had happened at the new location and they needed me immediately.

 

My guess is, he took the "maybe another time" as a blowoff.

 

Think about it: If you had tickets to a concert, and you had asked him, and he said, "Maybe another time", wouldn't you see that as a blowoff?

 

It sounds a bit blasé to me.

 

I'd message him and gauge his reaction. I don't think this is lost!

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So to recap based on how he would likely see it: new supervisor, I'll be the fun guy to lighten her up and make my job easier. Oh, she is interesting, I'll ask her to a concert. Nope, she declined and gave no alternative. And then left the office with no goodbye. Oh, but wait, she has messaged me over a year later. What does she have to say? Oh, it's just about work stuff. Blah.

 

Your actions are absolutely appropriate being a supervisor/coworker but really sad if this is your way to attempt to communicate with someone you are wanting to date. (And I'm assuming no longer a supervisor to him or in the same office).

 

You are going to have to somewhat venture out of your cocoon and it doesn't take much and it doesn't take being bold. Through messaging, follow up about the past concert such as "I really like music, but I'm not seeing anything around here lately. I remember we talked about a concert before and am sorry that I couldn't go. Is there anything coming up?"

 

Or there is the easy "It's great catching up with you, but messaging is difficult, I don't use this much. How about coffee?"

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I had a feeling he didn't know you were in a relationship, and as you had said, since it was coming to an end, you probably didn't talk about it at work anyway.

 

I agree with James: venture out of your comfort zone! Message him with something more than work, like James said. Just ask him to meet for coffee or a drink. Or, scout around and find out where a local band is playing at a pub, and talk about the concert he had asked you to, and say that you heard band X is playing at Pub Y, and you've heard they have great music, and that you'd love for him to join you. Something like that.

 

Worst he can say is no! But I have a feeling he won't!

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Thank you, LHGirl. Both you and James have put a new perspective on this. I will give it some thought and try to work up some nerve to message him again. I'm not sure I know how to do this, but I may try. Something tells me he's worth the risk.

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What I actually think happened was that this guy probably was interested in you, but he didn't know you had a boyfriend. So he tried asking you out but you declined and never made any other date. Then you completely disappeared from the office so he probably just thought you were never interested in him and just completely moved on. He may have been dating other people during the past year and a half. Look, I would say if you're single and he's single and he was into you before, you could give it one more try. I think at the time he probably thought you weren't interested which could also be a reason why he's not that chatty with you now. You could try talking to him more and ask him to catch up for coffee or something. But if he doesn't seem interested in catching up then I'd say just leave it alone.

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Thank you, Tinydance. I just may do that. However, as I said, I'm shy when it comes to personal matters and I would be stepping out of my comfort zone. I wouldn't know where to begin the conversation. LHGirl and James have given me a couple of good ideas. I just need to find the strength within myself to take the step I guess.

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We became friends on Facebook the same day I messaged him. He doesn't seem to be on there all that often.

 

Well, facebook is no way to get to know someone in the first place so don't rely on that. Do you know if he is even single? Maybe that's why he wasn't too chatty, because he has someone he's keeping romantic relationship boundaries in place for?

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If both of you are single then make a way, for me like example i will like and comment on his Facebook everytime he posts something. From coment to comment, you will see how far you can go.

 

It is quite hard to get his attention if you shy while he also doesnt make a move. I just believe if a man really in with you, they will brave themselves to make a move. If he doesnt move at all after you try to get his attention, maybe he just not in to us.

If that is the case, if i were you, i would just express my feeling into story and poet until the feeling gone or meet somebody else. It is great enough to have a chance to admire or love somebody even they ignore us. Love is beautiful feeling. True love for me doesnt need a repayment. True love is when we love somebody and let the one we love be happy with their choice. It is hurtful but there is no guarantee we will make them happy as well.

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If both of you are single then make a way, for me like example i will like and comment on his Facebook everytime he posts something. From coment to comment, you will see how far you can go.
That is a cowards way out IMO. Just ask him if he is single and if he says yes then ask him to join you for coffee. If he is interested in you past being the office attention getter, he will accept.

 

For all you know of him at this point, he could be married/otherwise not single or even gay for that matter. I had a male friend at work that acting just like you explain in your opening post. He was totally gay but loved to kabitz like the guy you are crushing on.

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