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After a great, fun first date, guess we weren't a great fit all of a sudden...


thatdevilsblue

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So i just went on a great, fun first date with a really nice, awesome girl i'd been talking to for a few weeks on a dating app/texting...we really got to know each other quite well, learned alot about each either, and were both generally excited about meeting one another and a potential great future we one another had it blossomed into something. Even talked to each other on the phone a few times before meeting which we both enjoyed.

 

Well about an hour ago i got a "hey...can i talk to you about something?..." text from here. So I called her to see what was up, but I kind of had a feeling once i saw the text. She told me that just didn't think we'd be a good fit, at least right now, due to us not having similar goals (whatever goals those are, perhaps career wise) because we seemed to have similar aspirations when it comes to starting a family in the future. She said it wasn't anything i did or said and that she'd been thinking about it for the past few days, and she told me a bad she really feels quite a few times as well. I must admit, it was upsetting and still is, but i told her that i understand and i don't want to push anything on here if she didn't feel something didn't seem right, and i thanked her and told i appreciated telling me now, instead of when it were to go further if it did. She proceeded to keep saying how bad she felt, and it did sound genuine, but i proceeded to tell her I enjoyed talking to, getting to know her and having a fun day with her meeting her for the first time and told her to have a good rest of her night, she said all the same, and we hung up. And i was super cool with it, i wasn't mean about it with her at all because that wouldn't have been right.

 

It is upsetting though because I had good feeling about her and what could happen between us, especially since it's been 6 years since i've been in a serious relationship so i was pretty happy/excited to be getting to know and having the courage to follow through on a first date with her, but i guess it is what it is and i except that. Glad i didn't do and say anything wrong, but it still gave that feeling of "i feel like i'll just never catch a break and find anyone at this point"

 

But i respect that she talked to me about it and was honest. It sucks, but i guess if it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't and can't do anything about it really...

 

hopefully i find someone, eventually!

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What????!?

You were excited about a potential great future with someone you spoke to and never met!?

 

You spoke about wanting kids in the future???

 

Geez man! Slow down already!

 

This is exactly why you don’t waste time chatting online or on phone before arranging a meet!

You actually have not gone a date with her. That was an introduction only.

 

She feels bad because on paper you sound great , on the phone you sound great, but in person she just wasn’t feeling attracted to you . Simple as that!

 

In future have a brief chit chat online and then arrange to meet with zero expectations!

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Sorry this happened. Sometimes the in person meeting just doesn't gel, especially when there has been too much of a delay in meeting and too much talking/texting and building up a scenario in your head about potential.

 

Do not take it personally. It's a first meet, even if it seemed like you knew each other better. Keep in mind people go on a lot of first meets and unfortunately no matter how well it went, it can still turn out to be the dreaded one-and-done. At least she was tactful, forthcoming and prompt in her communication.

 

Next time meet asap after a couple of messages. This way you don't invest time, energy or emotions in the unknown.

It is upsetting though because I had good feeling about her and what could happen between us

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You can't really go on what she told you as truth. She might have been dating multiple guys and decided she liked one better than you or maybe her and an ex decided to work things out.

 

Either way, don't invest so many feelings so quickly until you know you are actually a good fit which can take several months of dates in real life.

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Hopefully you learned a lesson moving forward that it is important to meet someone in person as soon as you can. Yes, it is good to communicate for a few times with messages to establish some compatibility and that neither of you are sociopaths, but the more you think you "know someone" through messages, the more you are going to feel disappointed at the time wasted when there turns out not to be a mutual connection when meeting in person.

 

And if there is a mutual connection, try not to jump ahead of yourself by planning the future kids and maybe even their names, too. Pace yourself.

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You were excited about a potential great future with someone you spoke to and never met!?

 

You spoke about wanting kids in the future???

 

 

 

.....try not to jump ahead of yourself by planning the future kids and maybe even their names, too. Pace yourself.

 

I was thinking same^ and I think it's quite likely this girl sensed your vibe about it too (one can't really hide a vibe like that), and after your first meet, she found it WAY too much too soon, and it either freaked her out, or she became turned off, or both.

 

Next time, dial it back; it's ok to be excited and be thinking future; but it's important to contain such intense emotions until it's been established there is a true connection which can only happen after you spend some significant time together, are exclusive and mutual trust has been developed. This takes time!

 

Otherwise you risk the same thing happening as what happened w this girl.

 

Sorry it didn't work out, lesson learned.

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I was thinking same^ and I think it's quite likely this girl sensed your vibe about it too (one can't really hide a vibe like that), and after your first meet, she found it WAY too much too soon, and it either freaked her out, or she became turned off, or both.

 

Next time, dial it back; it's ok to be excited and be thinking future; but it's important to contain such intense emotions until it's been established there is a true connection which can only happen after you spend some significant time together, are exclusive and mutual trust has been developed. This takes time!

 

Otherwise you risk the same thing happening as what happened w this girl.

 

Sorry it didn't work out, lesson learned.

 

Yep!

Obviously it’s important to know these things before getting into an exclusive relationship but wow at least figure out if you both interested enough to on a 3rd or 4th date before getting too deep lol

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Obviously it’s important to know these things before getting into an exclusive relationship

but wow at least figure out if you both interested enough to on a 3rd or 4th date before getting too deep lol

 

Fair point.

 

But for me, and what I prefer in the men I date, it's best to hold off on the future talk, marriage and kids until we're in love and such a future is actually a possibility versus a fantasy.

 

I have found in my dating experiences there is a lot of fantasizing about the future in early stages, before and after exclusivity.

 

You're excited so it's to be expected, but then it ends and one or both feel confused cause "geez we discussed future and everything, what happened"?

 

Too much "future faking."

 

My bf and I just recently stated discussing these things and we have been together 1.25 years!

 

JMO :)

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Some pieces of advice (some was mentioned before)...Meet someone in person as soon as possible because talking online is basically a waste of time. Also don't take online dating that seriously because most of it doesn't work out. Sorry to sound so negative but it's true. Some of my friends did meet their spouse online but they had to meet dozens of people first before they found "the one". You can keep doing online dating but if you keep being so sensitive, you will burn out in no time! If someone is not into you, just thank them for their time and move on. There is no reason to get excited about people you hardly know.

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It's always disappointing when you get excited about someone and it falls through.

 

She just wasn't feeling it, for whatever reason. I believe in just accepting it and moving on. Don't analyze it, don't let it shake your confidence. It's about find a mutual match. We tend to take rejection personal and wonder what we did wrong, or what are we lacking. The reality is we didn't do anything wrong, and we aren't lacking anything. It's just not mutual. No reason, no worries.

 

Take a quick break if you need to, and get right back out there.

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ok, i think everyone is throwing the whole "future plans" thing out of proportion, so i guess i need to clarify that....there was never a conversation of me straight up going, to her or to anyone: "yeah maybe we can start a family and have kids in the future if we hit it off", which is what everyone here seems to think has transpired. What happened was we played a little "20 questions", which she asked me if we can play that, and one of the questions was (and i forget who asked it) if they would like a start a family/have kids IN GENERAL, at any point, and both of our replies was yes to that question, not necessarily with each other, it was a general question that was part of this "20 questions" we were playing. I never have, nor would i ever straight start mapping out a future family blueprint with someone i just started talking to, no matter how great we're hitting it off. Just saying and just to make that more clear, so i can stop be perceived as someone who is trying to start a family with someone i've met once!

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Just saying and just to make that more clear, so i can stop be perceived as someone who is trying to start a family with someone i've met once!

 

Sorry to say it, but this clarification post is unlikely to change this perception. No one is saying you were trying to start a family with someone you only met one, after all; what people are saying is that, well, that you sound a bit too thirsty.

 

You met this person once. You don't know her, never connected, and really have no idea what you think or feel about her. Subtract the text messages from your bond, and what's there? Not much to even think about, you know? It's dating, in short. You meet people, you see what's what, and most of the time it doesn't gel. Always a bummer when you're stoked on someone who doesn't share the spark, but it's best to learn how to handle that in about three minutes, especially when we're talking one date, no sex, and so on.

 

Moral of the story: we all use people as projection screens for our fantasies. It's human. But the real fun starts when someone shatters those projections and you actually, you know, connect and hang and make some kind of story together—away from screens and text bubbles. You two didn't do this. You didn't come close to this. She met you, didn't feel you, let you know. All good. Happens. Nothing to think about too much.

 

Takeaway? Thicker skin and maybe, who knows, save the 20 questions for in person and use the phone, especially early, to plan a meet up rather than nurse a crush. It's easy to "like" someone based on five photos and a few weeks of text messaging, but that thing you're liking is still 98 percent fueled by your imagination. You handled it all well, with grace, but you're a bit worked up, you dig? Save that stuff for the real people, is all people are saying.

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Beautifully summed up by, Blue.

 

It seemed like a good start, but she wasn't feeling it. Time to move on. Next time around, don't rush into any kind of over the top feelings, concentrate more on a casual date which may or may not go somewhere. But you'll find out more further on down the road as to which one it is.

 

It's too hard to tell much about anyone in the first few dates. And first impressions aren't always the truth.

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