Liking Co-worker

So, i am married with 2 kids. I married for 8 years and never work outside. Lately i think my husband not really love me. I feel like he just needs me to take care of his many kids from his ex wife.

He is more miser as well about money so i decided to work as part timer in a convenient store near us. At work, i saw a male co-worker where we meet only once a week. Lets call his name Tony.

I dont know anything about him except for what i see while he works in the store. One day i found an open book in our store with a beautiful drawing on it. So i made comment about it. The next time i saw it, seemed the one who draw it replied my comment. So i gave another comment...it kept going many times. I believe the one who draw it was Tony. It took a lot of time for me to confirm it because i was so shy to ask him. I just not dare enough to open my mouth in front of him except just to smile and say hi to him. Until one day, i felt like crazy to ask about it and i was right, that was him. I praised him and he just say thank you with his beautiful smile.

I looked about him on social media. I felt like an FBI agent look for a killer suspect of president of a company; i found everything about him. One day i drove about 30 minutes away just to see where he stays. Another day i just came to the parking lot of our store just to see he parked.

I did everything behind his back but once we work together, i am silent like a statue. He seems close though to my female department coordinator. Sometime i feel jealous when they talk and laugh together but then i have to remind myself that i am married woman, i dont have future with him, i have no rights to be jealous or to be mad at him. I just have tobe happy enough to see him eventhough myheart is hurtful. Sometime i wanna quit working there but i really like the fact that the store is near us and based on my previous experience it iseems not easy to get a job for one who not have experience like me.

Anybody have the same experience here? What did you guys do to stop the feeling for him?

Thank you.

Put your emotional energy into either fixing your marriage or leaving it. Communicate your concerns to your husband. Tell him what you want to happen. If he cares, he will takes steps with you to improve the marriage. If he doesn't, show him the seriousness of the matter and ask him to attend marital counseling with you. If he refuses, why live an unhappy life?

If you divorce, you won't be ready for a good long time to date, and you need to concentrate on your children, since they will need extra attention while transitioning to a new way of life.

It's best not to date co-workers, since often new relationships fizzle out, and then you have the awkward task of seeing him regularly. You can train your brain to start seeing him as any other co-worker. Make sure you don't treat him any differently, like flirting, going to lunch together, complimenting him, having lengthy discussions, confiding personal matters. You can have chemistry with anyone outside of a marriage because that's biological, but you can abide by boundaries to keep yourself in check, and should.

Put your emotional energy into either fixing your marriage or leaving it. Communicate your concerns to your husband. Tell him what you want to happen. If he cares, he will takes steps with you to improve the marriage. If he doesn't, show him the seriousness of the matter and ask him to attend marital counseling with you. If he refuses, why live an unhappy life?

I agree with the above.

Also, OP, you need to stop feeding your crush by doing drive-bys and interacting with him about topics unrelated to work. Going to see where he leaves and seeing how he parks and checking out his social media is only going to make it harder for you to squash your interest. So, stop doing all of that.

Remember too that you are seeing this guy through rose-coloured glasses. He might be a great man, or he might be an absolute jerk behind closed doors. The point is that you are putting him on a pedestal based on very little real-life information, and also based on the fact that you are unhappy at home. This man surely has his flaws, as we all do, so you need to not get carried away in idealizing him too much.

Thank you guys for your words.

I think you have allowed yourself to dream about this man because you are unhappy in your marriage, you feel you are being used to care for his children, you don't feel loved anymore. It is normal to feel like this and doesnt make you a bad person, but there is a fine line between having an innocent crush and acting on it, and you are already starting to cross it by stalking him. this behavior is not healthy, and nothing good will come out of it.

If you need more attention and love from your husband, talk to him. If he doesn't love you anymore then you have your answer and can leave and find someone else eventually who loves you like you deserve.

That "someone else" can not be him, right?. It is funny i always wanna find someone else but i never wanna do it and just wanna endured the situation that i have until i met this co-worker.

That "someone else" can not be him, right?. It is funny i always wanna find someone else but i never wanna do it and just wanna endured the situation that i have until i met this co-worker.

It's impossible to say. You two barely know each other so you have no idea how compatible you would be hypothetically be.

And really, it doesn't matter. Unless and until you are no longer with your husband, the prospect of meeting someone new is irrelevant. If you don't want to be married anymore , address that first. Don't leave your marriage in hopes of something happening with another person, though. That frequently leads to serious disappointment when the new crush isn't what the married person imagined they were. Leave your marriage because you have exhausted all other efforts to make it right and you no longer want to spend a lifetime with your husband.

It sounds like you have a crush on someone . The bigger problem is how unhappy your marriage is.

Put your emotional energy into either fixing your marriage or leaving it. Communicate your concerns to your husband. Tell him what you want to happen. If he cares, he will takes steps with you to improve the marriage. If he doesn't, show him the seriousness of the matter and ask him to attend marital counseling with you. If he refuses, why live an unhappy life?

 

If you divorce, you won't be ready for a good long time to date, and you need to concentrate on your children, since they will need extra attention while transitioning to a new way of life.

 

It's best not to date co-workers, since often new relationships fizzle out, and then you have the awkward task of seeing him regularly. You can train your brain to start seeing him as any other co-worker. Make sure you don't treat him any differently, like flirting, going to lunch together, complimenting him, having lengthy discussions, confiding personal matters. You can have chemistry with anyone outside of a marriage because that's biological, but you can abide by boundaries to keep yourself in check, and should.

I am hopeless my husband will change. He also doesnt have any intention to divorce me since he is miser, he doesnt wanna split of what we have (in our State, we have to split whatever we have during marriage). He said if i wanna be with another man just leave the house and the kids. He doesnt wanna go through formal procedure. I also dont have a place to go (FYI i am foreigner without friend and family here).

I think your suggestion of not too getting close to the co-worker that i like is reasonable in order for me to reduce the possibility of liking him more. Because even if say that he have the same feeling for me, i dont want him to bother of just like me; being a stepmother coz i know being stepmother is hard especially if the ex is not cooperate with us.

Thank you.

You can file for divorce in this country.

in our State, we have to split whatever we have during marriage. i am foreigner without friend and family here.

I agree with the above.

 

Also, OP, you need to stop feeding your crush by doing drive-bys and interacting with him about topics unrelated to work. Going to see where he leaves and seeing how he parks and checking out his social media is only going to make it harder for you to squash your interest. So, stop doing all of that.

 

Remember too that you are seeing this guy through rose-coloured glasses. He might be a great man, or he might be an absolute jerk behind closed doors. The point is that you are putting him on a pedestal based on very little real-life information, and also based on the fact that you are unhappy at home. This man surely has his flaws, as we all do, so you need to not get carried away in idealizing him too much.

Yes i believe he has flaws, too as human being. I did those stuffs behind his back because i know i dont have any hope of having him, but my heart just like him even without knowing his whole personality. I just thankful for his presence because since i saw him i wanna rinse my mouth again with Listerine, i pay attention to what i wear again, etc. Before i met him, i was already like dead person. Dont care about myself.

It's impossible to say. You two barely know each other so you have no idea how compatible you would be hypothetically be.

 

And really, it doesn't matter. Unless and until you are no longer with your husband, the prospect of meeting someone new is irrelevant. If you don't want to be married anymore , address that first. Don't leave your marriage in hopes of something happening with another person, though. That frequently leads to serious disappointment when the new crush isn't what the married person imagined they were. Leave your marriage because you have exhausted all other efforts to make it right and you no longer want to spend a lifetime with your husband.

I agree with you. That is what i think as well, so that my question above is how to quit my feeling for him. Besides apart from what kind of personality he has, i think he deserves better than me.

It sounds like you have a crush on someone . The bigger problem is how unhappy your marriage is.

I think i do have a crush on him. It is just i dont have possibility to be with him. I just will become his secret admirer and wishing all the best will happen to him.

You can file for divorce in this country.

I dont have money to pay lawyer, i dont have anybody to help. Once i contacted free law aid people for the victim of abused wife, i signed the paper of would getting help from them, then no news anymore from them.

I dont have a place to go as well. Once i just slept in the car with the kids when we had big fight.

I dont have money to pay lawyer, i dont have anybody to help. Once i contacted free law aid people for the victim of abused wife, i signed the paper of would getting help from them, then no news anymore from them.

I dont have a place to go as well. Once i just slept in the car with the kids when we had big fight.

Is your husband abusing you?

Go to the department of social services and ask for a representative who speaks your language and can help you.

I dont have money to pay lawyer, i dont have anybody to help. Once i contacted free law aid people for the victim of abused wife, i signed the paper of would getting help from them, then no news anymore from them.

I dont have a place to go as well. Once i just slept in the car with the kids when we had big fight.

Is your husband abusing you?

He cheated on me one time; telling that girl all kind of bad thing about me, we fight a lot; one time he pushed me and i got bruise on my chest (police got involved), he using money without discussing it with me, buy house and car without discussing it with me, putting one of his adult kid in our place without my approval, etc. I can call that abuse i think. What do you think?

Go to the department of social services and ask for a representative who speaks your language and can help you.

I should right? I just have a lot of consideration since he is the father of the kids and he is the main one who make money to feed them. That is my biggest concern that make me keep reconsidering about getting extended action about him.

One time the police who saw my bruise from his push told me that all i have to do just ask her to arrest him. But i dont do it bcz of the kids.

Working at a convenience store part time is not going to give you the independence you eventually need to leave an abusive situation. Ask your husband to finance you getting an education that will lead to a good paying career, such as being a technician in the medical field: x-ray, physician's assistant, dental technician. If he refuses, see if you can get a college loan. You need to set this goal and work toward it. You only have one life on this planet. There are hurdles but not impossibilities in life. Stop with the excuses.

If he is physically abusive and is arrested, you could say you fear for your life. Staying in a shelter with your kids is better than you being abused and your children being exposed to that. I've heard of social services helping women out in this instance with getting them low income housing and help with finding work. Good luck.

Working at a convenience store part time is not going to give you the independence you eventually need to leave an abusive situation. Ask your husband to finance you getting an education that will lead to a good paying career, such as being a technician in the medical field: x-ray, physician's assistant, dental technician. If he refuses, see if you can get a college loan. You need to set this goal and work toward it. You only have one life on this planet. There are hurdles but not impossibilities in life. Stop with the excuses.

 

If he is physically abusive and is arrested, you could say you fear for your life. Staying in a shelter with your kids is better than you being abused and your children being exposed to that. I've heard of social services helping women out in this instance with getting them low income housing and help with finding work. Good luck.

Once i tried study online about computer but we have little kid (2 yrs) and it is hard to get focus on study when you need to babysit as well. He doesnt really help eventhough he saying i need to go to school again but once i tried, he barely wanna watch the kid or doing the chores such as cooking, cleaning, etc.

Thank you for your time.

Who takes care of your child when you're working part time?

So you do not want any help and you have refused all help ever offered, but just complain about him and crush on a guy at work. No one can help you then.

One time the police who saw my bruise from his push told me that all i have to do just ask her to arrest him. But i dont do it bcz of the kids.

Who takes care of your child when you're working part time?

He works from home so he watch the kid while i work.

So you do not want any help and you have refused all help ever offered, but just complain about him and crush on a guy at work. No one can help you then.

I said i signed the papers from legal aid ppl that appointed by the police but no further action after that from them.