Numb

This is just a very vague post that I wrote up because I felt the need to let out my thoughts. Please don't take it too seriously.

About a year and a half ago, I moved from a town in the middle of nowhere to a new city to pursue my dream career. It was the beginning of a beautiful chapter in my life. Or so I thought. I was so naive.

I'd always wanted to move to a city, where I could be surrounded by people who were free to express themselves with no fear of judgement from others. I wasn't wrong about this. In a small town, I felt suffocated by the stares of those around me. Here, I do what I want without a second thought. Similarly, I thought there'd be others like me. Others that I could talk to about my thoughts and have them understand me, once again, without the judgement. And, yet again, I wasn't wrong. But there were so many other things I was wrong about.

In the first few months after I moved here, it felt impossible to feel anything but euphoria - I was surrounded by so many like minded people; I was pursuing the job I'd dreamt of doing; I'd moved to a new city and no one knew me - a chance to rebuild my personality into what I'd always wanted it to be. In hindsight, these thoughts are exactly why the loneliness hit so hard. The home-sickness suddenly hit. I felt deprived of things as simple as laying my head on someones shoulder. I realised that all the friendships I'd made were superficial - nothing was real. And even if I had the chance to make it real, I'd missed it. Suddenly, everyone had their own cliques and I wasn't a part of a single one of them. I didn't know what to do. I confided to the only true friend I had at that time but they lived a six hour plane ride away. I'd pour all my sorrow out in front of her and it made me feel better to some extent - at least I had someone.

I'd like to say that the loneliness disappeared, but it didn't. I just go used to it. I'd found one friend. I thought he'd reached out to me out of nowhere and, because of that, I thought he had feelings for me. Long story short, I don't think I was right. Despite this, I couldn't get him out of my head. He was littered throughout my thoughts almost every second of every day and I felt pathetic about it. I still do.

Time passes, the loneliness remains and I become even more accustomed to it. Work becomes life but I still can't seem to do my best at it - I was very distracted.

The only thing driving me to reach the end of the year was the thought of seeing distant family that I hadn't seen in years. The next two months were the highlight of my year.

But during those two months, the one close friend that I had slipped from my grasp. I am not sure why it happened, but it hurt. She had been my support system for years and I thought I had been the same for her. But it seemed as though she had moved on. I never thought this could happen. But it did. I had no one now.

The new year came about. It felt like I grew closer to the aforementioned guy. We never saw each other much but we'd always text each other. When he confided in me about something personal, I thought we had truly progressed in our friendship but the following weeks proved me wrong.

Nothing good seems to last. And I can't seem to bring new good things around.

Everything, including me, just seems to exist. Nothing moves forwards or backwards. It. Just. Exists.

The city is usually a great place to meet new people and create solid relationships, but obviously it hasn't worked that way for you. Do you think it's a culture thing? Maybe you've had trouble adjusting to the go-go nature of city life and it prevents you from creating the relationships that you want?

Sometimes when you are left alone itÂ’s because it is meant to be that way. Maybe itÂ’s time for you to learn to be alone. Try improving your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual (if applicable) health. Once that is done and you are ready for new people to enter your life, they will naturally gravitate toward you