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Thread: Toxic Friendship?

  1. #1

    Toxic Friendship?

    Hi, I am currently new, and this is my very first post!

    Currently I am dealing with a toxic friendship, (sometimes I question if I really am, I am having on and off thoughts about my friendship with my "friend" and I am too afraid to confront her)

    So ever since the start of my school year, I have moved to a new school. I made friends quite easily, and I instantly had a close bond to a girl named "May" (fake name for privacy reasons) May and I always hung out aside each other and trusted each other quite well. It was just her and I until another girl, lets call her "Anna", came across to start conversations with us. She was very kind, and I was quite excited to hangout with her.

    I started getting bad feelings when she started to act quite harsh. I took her harsh statements as what she would call "jokes" when in reality Anna was making me feel upset. I did not, at the time discuss to May on what I felt.

    She had bodyshamed me, insulted me a couple times, pointed out my acne, constantly torn down my image. When it came to me defending myself, she would pull out the "victim card" and act like everything she said was a joke..
    She was also quite self absorbed, which of course there is nothing wrong with loving yourself, however sometimes she would constantly talk to me all about herself and whatnot. Then, when I would try to speak up, she would go on her phone and act so uninterested. She just seems to not listen to what I have to say. She even had the urge to take a selfie of herself when I was speaking upon a serious topic.
    Whenever it came to making groups on assignments (our teacher allows us to pick a classmate) it was always a race on whoever would have May first. It was either me or Anna. It was just so obvious that Anna chose May over me. I didn't care, but when she would take it to another level, thats when I seriously did.
    Anna used to also hold grudges on me and May whenever we did something that she did not like. For example, I decided to sit with May on a bus seat rather than sitting with Anna, during a field trip. She overreacted and stopped talking to us for a good day?? May and I decided to ignore her, if she would constantly ignore us in stupid situations. She came back, begging for forgiveness and got mad at us for ignoring her. She then proceeded to complain about how apparently, May and I like our friendship more than hers??
    May started to realize the "friendship" we gotten ourselves into with Anna, when I admitted that I had bad feelings towards her. May told me how when her and Anna were facetiming, Anna said how she liked her more then me. So, thats why Anna was acting so rude against me.

    Months go by, and everything kind of seemed to stopped. She stopped the insults when I confronted her, but still gives me this bad vibe. I really want to avoid her but it is hard, because I am in a really small school; and I have a overnight trip coming up, where I have no choice but to share rooms with her and May. I really hate the "friendship" I have with Anna.

    Does anybody have advice? School is almost over, so maybe I can wait it out a bit, however I have this constant urge to confront her. I feel like it is a bit too late, and I dont want any awkward incidents,(for example, if I leave her, we might end up being in a group together and I dont want to let any teachers know about how I feel, because it can cause huge reactions)

    She also has been really racist, she swears a lot and even a teacher has heard her do that around me. It made me feel really embarassed.

    I know this whole situation sounds incredibly stupid and immature, which you are right, it is! But before the school year ends, I need advice to gain confidence on confronting her, without any awkward intentions. A lot of people don't like Anna also, and she would of been likeable if she hadn't insulted me, and brought jealously over our whole friendship between May and I.

    What should I do? I really appreciate some feedback!

    P.S, sorry if this is quite long! x

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Quick couple of questions: How does May handle this Anna? Do they get along well, does May hang out with Anna without you?

  3. 05-12-2019, 09:52 PM

  4. #3
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by luvjasminee
    She stopped the insults when I confronted her, but still gives me this bad vibe. I really want to avoid her but it is hard, because I am in a really small school; and I have a overnight trip coming up, where I have no choice but to share rooms with her and May. I really hate the "friendship" I have with Anna.

    Does anybody have advice? School is almost over, so maybe I can wait it out a bit, however I have this constant urge to confront her. I feel like it is a bit too late, and I dont want any awkward incidents,(for example, if I leave her, we might end up being in a group together and I dont want to let any teachers know about how I feel, because it can cause huge reactions)

    She also has been really racist, she swears a lot and even a teacher has heard her do that around me. It made me feel really embarassed.

    I know this whole situation sounds incredibly stupid and immature, which you are right, it is! But before the school year ends, I need advice to gain confidence on confronting her, without any awkward intentions. A lot of people don't like Anna also, and she would of been likeable if she hadn't insulted me, and brought jealously over our whole friendship between May and I.
    You seem a little preoccupied with confrontation. You say you confronted her already and she stopped the insults. Give her a chance to behave herself. If she gets rude, put her in check. It doesn't have to escalate to more confrontation.

    As Thatwasthen says, look at how May handles Anna. She seems to have had more success in handling her than you have. Maybe she is slightly more assertive. It often doesn't take much; just solid boundaries.

    Don't just lead with confrontation. You are all young and still learning what's appropriate and what's not. Sometimes the best teachers are our friends--and I mean this all around. Anna will learn from you, you will learn from her, etc.

  5. #4
    Silver Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Anna stopped the insults so just remain civil despite the bad vibe. Act natural. You don't have to love nor hate Anna. Maintain a cool attitude albeit a peaceful one. Many times actions speak louder than words. Learn to distance yourself from Anna. Remain cordial yet distant always.

    You're going to have to learn to ignore people whom you do not like. Since the school year is drawing to a close very soon, be patient until it ends and look forward to enjoying your summer with May.

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  7. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ask your parents to make an appointment with a therapist for you. It will help you adjust to the new school, new friends and if you are being bullied, help you identify and address that. Also talk to a trusted adult (relative, teacher, adviser, etc) about what is going on if you feel you are being bullied.

    In the meantime, make new friends, avoid these kids and walk away if they start doing this type of thing. Join some groups or clubs or sports or after school activities and make better friends.
    Originally Posted by luvjasminee
    I have moved to a new school.
    She had bodyshamed me, insulted me a couple times, pointed out my acne, constantly torn down my image.

  8. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Ask your parents to make an appointment with a therapist for you. It will help you adjust to the new school, new friends and if you are being bullied, help you identify and address that. Also talk to a trusted adult (relative, teacher, adviser, etc) about what is going on if you feel you are being bullied.

    In the meantime, make new friends, avoid these kids and walk away if they start doing this type of thing. Join some groups or clubs or sports or after school activities and make better friends.
    I agree that this can help, but your tuition likely covers counseling on campus, so make your own appointment. This doesn't imply that there's anything 'wrong' with the way you've handled this so far, but most people can use some tools and techniques to handle one aspect of their life or another. Counseling can likely help you build confidence in how to handle rude comments without internalizing them, which will serve you well in every area of your adult life.

    You don't need to have any major confrontations, especially with people who don't matter to you beyond a need to be civil for school or work purposes. These are called 'transactional' relationships. We ALL find ourselves needing to 'manage' those, and escalating our transactions with such people into a 'confrontation,' which is an aggressive term, usually causes more problems than it's worth.

    It makes no sense to be territorial about May. She's her own person and can opt to engage Whutsurname if she wishes--or not. If she opts to continue her relationship with her, then badmouthing the other girl is likely to backfire, especially given that May has stirred your pot by telling you what the girl said. Uhm...that' a red flag that says she's likely to do the same with anything YOU say, so don't allow yourself to take the bait. That's May demonstrating that SHE is not exactly trustworthy, either.

    So I'd keep my relationships with both people limited to being kind but transactional, and I'd expand my scope to seek out more new friends. With these two, I'd remain cautious, I'd keep my focus directed onto matters at hand, and I'd check intrusive comments or questions on the spot by simply asking, "Why do you ask?" or "Why would you say that?" rather than answering anything that's private. This flips responsibility back onto the rude person for being rude, and prompts her to answer to you rather than the other way around. Then you can respond, "Well, I'll think about answering that at some point, but for now, let's focus on 'x' so we can get this done."

    Head high, remain transactional, and skip escalating. You'll thank yourself later.

  9. #7
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    Take a step back from Anna. Simply remove yourself from the situation. Don't gossip about her to anyone and treat her with respect and kindness.
    If May values your friendship, she will follow. And it sounds like she does.
    Anna sounds a bit insecure. That is a battle that she has to deal with and she is trying to project her own pain on other people. The things that she criticizes in others are most likely the things she would like to change in herself. Recognize that and treat her with kindness when you have to be around her.


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