Ending a Friendship

I’ve been friends with this person for nearly a decade now, and we’ve always had issues due to our conflicting personalities (I’m shy and struggle with establishing boundaries, she’s persistent and struggles to pick up subtler cues). I’ve always felt like I give more than I get, and my voice isn’t heard as much as I’d like it to be, and recently I’ve realized that I’m not getting much joy out of this friendship anymore and it feels more like a stressful obligation than a mutually beneficial relationship.

For the past 2 or 3 weeks I’ve stopped talking to her as much, and it seemed she had taken the hint- but today she reached out to me and even contacted my boyfriend to ask if I was okay. I’m not sure what to do from here. I don’t know how to tell her that I don’t feel like this friendship is working anymore, because I know she doesn’t have many close friends outside of me and I feel guilty about wanting to cut her off, but I know dragging things out and letting it die slowly could just create more pain and discomfort in the long run.

I feel so unsure, and I don’t know what the best thing to do is, or how to go about it. Everyone keeps telling me I should just not contact her again, but I feel like that isn’t an option. Does anyone have any advice?

Time to practise your boundary setting skills so!

I have culled friends whenever I realise I’m not getting anything out of the friendship. No guilt!

Friendship is actually a selfish thing! We are friends with people because of what we draw from them. And that’s ok.

That’s why we choose friends!

Let it fade.

Tell your bf to say you are great! And don’t engage in further conversation.

You just stop initiating contact and decline invites to meet or don’t engage in text conversation.

I think that avoiding her is not the best thing to do. If you’ve been friends for this long, I think you should definitely let her know how you feel. Think about if you were in a long friendship and suddenly someone just started ignoring you (probably wouldn’t feel to great). I am shy too so I understand completely. If you do decide to tell her, definitely take your time in communicating so that there are no miscommunications. Be as gentle as you can and don’t leave anything out. Opposites do attract so maybe in expressing your feelings with one another you could potentially fix your relationship dynamic and continue to be friends. If not, it’s not wise to stay in an unhealthy relationship...On the bright side, talking with her could be a big step in your overall growth! Hope this helped.

The number one most important thing about a friendship is Reciprocity.

Without reciprocity, there is no friendship.

Friendship isn't about what we draw from other people, or what they draw from us. It's about what we draw from each other.

This friendship hasn't been reciprocal for a long time, and you are right in your feelings to want to back away.

You might have to actually "break up" with her. Have a short discussion and just say that you two are not meant for friendship, so you are moving along, and you wish her the best.

Being completely honest here, I've ghosted friends much in the same way as you, and never had the discussion, leaving a couple to to wonder about me. Honestly? They were so one-sided that I simply don't care. So, you handle it however you think is best, but know that you are correct in wanting to move on and find other friends with whom you can share a reciprocal friendship.

Don't you think that you should at least tell her how you feel? Ghosting and being passive aggressive is a terrible way to treat another person.

Speak up and tell her how you feel, but just to disappear after a decade, does not reflect very well on you. Be a better person and speak up! This is how you deal with things in life.

The number one most important thing about a friendship is Reciprocity.

 

Without reciprocity, there is no friendship.

 

Friendship isn't about what we draw from other people, or what they draw from us. It's about what we draw from each other.

 

This friendship hasn't been reciprocal for a long time, and you are right in your feelings to want to back away.

 

You might have to actually "break up" with her. Have a short discussion and just say that you two are not meant for friendship, so you are moving along, and you wish her the best.

 

Being completely honest here, I've ghosted friends much in the same way as you, and never had the discussion, leaving a couple to to wonder about me. Honestly? They were so one-sided that I simply don't care. So, you handle it however you think is best, but know that you are correct in wanting to move on and find other friends with whom you can share a reciprocal friendship.

In the case where it is extremely one-sided, I agree. They won't miss the friendship anyway.

I think that since the friend reached out, she owes her the decency of having a talk.

In the case where it is extremely one-sided, I agree. They won't miss the friendship anyway.

 

I think that since the friend reached out, she owes her the decency of having a talk.

Oooh, missed that she reached out. In that case, yes, you owe her a talk. Who knows....maybe she'll realize that what you're saying has value and she'll adjust her behavior accordingly?

In my case of my recent 30-year friendship ending: I had decided to walk away years ago, and I told her what was wrong. She apologized and promised never to do it again, only.....to do it again, hence my recent ghosting.

So, yes, give it one talk, see how you feel, and be observant.

I think you need to tell her you don’t mesh as friends anymore. Just be aware though if you look for friends as shy as yourself it also might not work.

Edit- I haven’t ghosted her, and that wasn’t/isn’t my plan. I haven’t blocked her or anything and she wasn’t reaching out to me either, until last night. We just weren’t talking to one another, and it seemed like things were fading like I’d hoped, but it looks like I was wrong. I know I have to confront her in some way, I just don’t know how to go about it without hurting her, myself, or both of us.

There is going to be hurt. How could there not be? It is an unrealistic expectation for there to be no hurt when you end something. You can’t run from that it’s going to happen .

Edit- I haven’t ghosted her, and that wasn’t/isn’t my plan. I haven’t blocked her or anything and she wasn’t reaching out to me either, until last night. We just weren’t talking to one another, and it seemed like things were fading like I’d hoped, but it looks like I was wrong. I know I have to confront her in some way, I just don’t know how to go about it without hurting her, myself, or both of us.

Oooh, missed that she reached out. In that case, yes, you owe her a talk. Who knows....maybe she'll realize that what you're saying has value and she'll adjust her behavior accordingly?

 

In my case of my recent 30-year friendship ending: I had decided to walk away years ago, and I told her what was wrong. She apologized and promised never to do it again, only.....to do it again, hence my recent ghosting.

 

So, yes, give it one talk, see how you feel, and be observant.

Don't blame you, there.

Edit- I haven’t ghosted her, and that wasn’t/isn’t my plan. I haven’t blocked her or anything and she wasn’t reaching out to me either, until last night. We just weren’t talking to one another, and it seemed like things were fading like I’d hoped, but it looks like I was wrong. I know I have to confront her in some way, I just don’t know how to go about it without hurting her, myself, or both of us.

Just tell her how you feel. Put your big girl pants on. It is much better than disappearing, that is awful and speaks of poor character.

Just tell her how you feel. Put your big girl pants on. It is much better than disappearing, that is awful and speaks of poor character.

Yes, I've been ghosted twice over the last few years by close friends and I really do not know why. And I reached out more than once, neutrally, in the hopes of getting a response. It hurts even though time heals of course. A short conversation that is big on diplomacy "sorry we haven't been in touch as much. I am fine and I realize that we've kind of grown apart" etc. You will cause her a lot more hurt by ignoring her in this way.

I already said I’m not ghosting her.

Thanks for the help.

Bye.

I already said I’m not ghosting her.

 

Thanks for the help.

 

Bye.

I don't use "ghosting" -I mean don't ignore her by not responding and explaining what's going on.

It is not about ghosting, it is about trying to avoid a situation hoping it will go away. Everyone hopes uncomfortable situations will go away but they don’t . We need to face them.

Be honest and tell your friend the truth. Be diplomatic and respectful while you explain it to her. It will be a gentle forewarning that it is time for both of you to go your separate ways. Your friend will survive.

I've been on both ends of the spectrum. I've had to cut friends loose and I had a cousin who cut me loose not because of me but because she had too many insurmountable personal problems with her husband. It's difficult to be rejected and at first I begged and pleaded my cousin to make it work to no avail. I despised estrangement after sharing our dear childhood together.

However, I got over it and even better I became stronger and smarter. Certain relationships or friendships fail for a reason. When both parties are not on the same page with mutual respect, kindness and consideration it is bound to fail sooner or later. Another key factor is the way both of you think, write and speak. If you're both not on the same page when it comes to empathy, respect, consideration for the other, mutual, consistent kindness, reciprocation and honorable behavior, it will never work in a million years. You can't force it. Mutual respect and common decency is either there or missing to the point of disgusting. You'll know in your heart and mind when it is intolerable and time to call it quits permanently. You cease the friendship or relationship in order to save your sanity.

I've noticed people with intense personal problems are difficult to get along with. They don't like it when you have a better life than they and eventually their claws come out. I've had to distance myself from a friend like this. Her husband is dying of cancer, her ailing elderly parents are burden to her, she has sole responsibility for 3 people who heavily depend on her around-the-clock, she has 2 dogs and she's depressed. Then she takes it out on me in a snide manner. I've taken her out to lunch, brought home cooked dinners to her doorstep and I burned out. I've since distanced myself from her. We're peaceful but I stay away. It happens. I can't take her snide comments and "misery loves company" mentality. As you can see, friendships sour due to life's circumstances. Fortunately, my friend and I are ok but we're not close anymore. She doesn't hound me either, thank goodness.

Don't just cease contact with her. Give her the courtesy by letting her know it's over between you two. Break it to her gently and respectfully. If she continues to badger you, hound you, contact your boyfriend or displays relentless behavior, then block her. She will take the hint.

There are advantages to breaking free of toxic, dysfunctional, mentally unstable people. Do it so you can live a normal, happy, peaceful life with the least amount of stress and angst.

I avoid dramatic people like the plague. I was once in hero mode when I was younger. Now, I don't even bother. I'm too immersed into my own life and happiness. Change your outlook and you will be strong and confident.

Time to practise your boundary setting skills so!

 

I have culled friends whenever I realise I’m not getting anything out of the friendship. No guilt!

Friendship is actually a selfish thing! We are friends with people because of what we draw from them. And that’s ok.

That’s why we choose friends!

 

Let it fade.

Tell your bf to say you are great! And don’t engage in further conversation.

You just stop initiating contact and decline invites to meet or don’t engage in text conversation.

I think it's not totally true some friends are above then this. The regularly meet with each other for no reason send messages and many more. Checkout these friends quotes so that it might change your thinking.

Give her the same respect and honesty that you would want were the tables turned. Perhaps you don't need to totally end the friendship, but step back for a while? Simply tell her that you are taking some time to concentrate on yourself. That way, if the friendship is real, it will organically continue. If not, then perhaps it isn't meant to be.