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Thread: Ending a Friendship

  1. #1

    Ending a Friendship

    Iíve been friends with this person for nearly a decade now, and weíve always had issues due to our conflicting personalities (Iím shy and struggle with establishing boundaries, sheís persistent and struggles to pick up subtler cues). Iíve always felt like I give more than I get, and my voice isnít heard as much as Iíd like it to be, and recently Iíve realized that Iím not getting much joy out of this friendship anymore and it feels more like a stressful obligation than a mutually beneficial relationship.

    For the past 2 or 3 weeks Iíve stopped talking to her as much, and it seemed she had taken the hint- but today she reached out to me and even contacted my boyfriend to ask if I was okay. Iím not sure what to do from here. I donít know how to tell her that I donít feel like this friendship is working anymore, because I know she doesnít have many close friends outside of me and I feel guilty about wanting to cut her off, but I know dragging things out and letting it die slowly could just create more pain and discomfort in the long run.

    I feel so unsure, and I donít know what the best thing to do is, or how to go about it. Everyone keeps telling me I should just not contact her again, but I feel like that isnít an option. Does anyone have any advice?

  2. #2
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    Time to practise your boundary setting skills so!

    I have culled friends whenever I realise Iím not getting anything out of the friendship. No guilt!
    Friendship is actually a selfish thing! We are friends with people because of what we draw from them. And thatís ok.
    Thatís why we choose friends!

    Let it fade.
    Tell your bf to say you are great! And donít engage in further conversation.
    You just stop initiating contact and decline invites to meet or donít engage in text conversation.

  3. #3
    I think that avoiding her is not the best thing to do. If youíve been friends for this long, I think you should definitely let her know how you feel. Think about if you were in a long friendship and suddenly someone just started ignoring you (probably wouldnít feel to great). I am shy too so I understand completely. If you do decide to tell her, definitely take your time in communicating so that there are no miscommunications. Be as gentle as you can and donít leave anything out. Opposites do attract so maybe in expressing your feelings with one another you could potentially fix your relationship dynamic and continue to be friends. If not, itís not wise to stay in an unhealthy relationship...On the bright side, talking with her could be a big step in your overall growth! Hope this helped.

  4. #4
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    The number one most important thing about a friendship is Reciprocity.

    Without reciprocity, there is no friendship.

    Friendship isn't about what we draw from other people, or what they draw from us. It's about what we draw from each other.

    This friendship hasn't been reciprocal for a long time, and you are right in your feelings to want to back away.

    You might have to actually "break up" with her. Have a short discussion and just say that you two are not meant for friendship, so you are moving along, and you wish her the best.

    Being completely honest here, I've ghosted friends much in the same way as you, and never had the discussion, leaving a couple to to wonder about me. Honestly? They were so one-sided that I simply don't care. So, you handle it however you think is best, but know that you are correct in wanting to move on and find other friends with whom you can share a reciprocal friendship.

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  6. #5
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    Don't you think that you should at least tell her how you feel? Ghosting and being passive aggressive is a terrible way to treat another person.

    Speak up and tell her how you feel, but just to disappear after a decade, does not reflect very well on you. Be a better person and speak up! This is how you deal with things in life.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    The number one most important thing about a friendship is Reciprocity.

    Without reciprocity, there is no friendship.

    Friendship isn't about what we draw from other people, or what they draw from us. It's about what we draw from each other.

    This friendship hasn't been reciprocal for a long time, and you are right in your feelings to want to back away.

    You might have to actually "break up" with her. Have a short discussion and just say that you two are not meant for friendship, so you are moving along, and you wish her the best.

    Being completely honest here, I've ghosted friends much in the same way as you, and never had the discussion, leaving a couple to to wonder about me. Honestly? They were so one-sided that I simply don't care. So, you handle it however you think is best, but know that you are correct in wanting to move on and find other friends with whom you can share a reciprocal friendship.
    In the case where it is extremely one-sided, I agree. They won't miss the friendship anyway.

    I think that since the friend reached out, she owes her the decency of having a talk.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    In the case where it is extremely one-sided, I agree. They won't miss the friendship anyway.

    I think that since the friend reached out, she owes her the decency of having a talk.
    Oooh, missed that she reached out. In that case, yes, you owe her a talk. Who knows....maybe she'll realize that what you're saying has value and she'll adjust her behavior accordingly?

    In my case of my recent 30-year friendship ending: I had decided to walk away years ago, and I told her what was wrong. She apologized and promised never to do it again, only.....to do it again, hence my recent ghosting.

    So, yes, give it one talk, see how you feel, and be observant.

  9. #8
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    I think you need to tell her you donít mesh as friends anymore. Just be aware though if you look for friends as shy as yourself it also might not work.

  10. #9
    Edit- I havenít ghosted her, and that wasnít/isnít my plan. I havenít blocked her or anything and she wasnít reaching out to me either, until last night. We just werenít talking to one another, and it seemed like things were fading like Iíd hoped, but it looks like I was wrong. I know I have to confront her in some way, I just donít know how to go about it without hurting her, myself, or both of us.

  11. #10
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    There is going to be hurt. How could there not be? It is an unrealistic expectation for there to be no hurt when you end something. You canít run from that itís going to happen .
    Originally Posted by MeganKnapp
    Edit- I havenít ghosted her, and that wasnít/isnít my plan. I havenít blocked her or anything and she wasnít reaching out to me either, until last night. We just werenít talking to one another, and it seemed like things were fading like Iíd hoped, but it looks like I was wrong. I know I have to confront her in some way, I just donít know how to go about it without hurting her, myself, or both of us.

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