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Thread: Accepting

  1. #1
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    Accepting

    It's been a while since my last post, but here I am again. This forum always keeps me company when going through a rough patch, even if I don't post.

    What brought me to start a thread? Typical story. Met a guy, fell head over heels for him, he broke it off in the first two weeks saying he's not ready for a relationship, then came back, we gave it a try for 1,5 months, or so I thought, he broke it off again the other day saying again, he doesn't want a relationship, ever. With anyone. He can't connect emotionally and probably never will. His words, and I do believe he believes this. He is that damaged, it shows.

    Now he wants to be friends and again, I do believe him, but I'm going NC to heal and when I'm over him, if our connection was true, maybe being friends could happen. We did have a strong connection as people, undeniably. Maybe it was just meant to be a friendship. Time will tell. I don't need him as a friend, but if it really happens without me still hoping it will turn into something else, I won't pass.

    I don't exactly have any questions, the situation is pretty clear. My heart wants him back, but the rest of me wants to just step away and heal.

    It hurts. I really really like him, but he's missing the most important part even though everything else, character wise, was perfect. We truly share a great connection. If he wasn't emotionally unavailable, we would have created a great relationship, but he is, and we didn't and we're not ever going to because he seems really damaged and emotionally immature in the love department. Don't know if it extends to other areas in his life yet, indications show the opposite so far.

    We are still talking it out, but after we both say what we have to say, I'm going NC, because even now, even when I know he doesn't want to be with me, even when I know that the "relationship" we had wasn't actually great because he was very distant, I still smile when he texts, I still get my hopes up a little bit, for no reason whatsoever and this time I'm not accepting it. I need to protect myself.

    I'm sad and I want to cry but I'm not as successful at it because the reasons of the break up are pretty clear. Nothing to cry over, besides just feeling sad that it didn't work out. I am not blaming myself for it, so I didn't even hold a pity party for me, which sometimes is refreshing, just because of all the crying that is.

    I probably just want to hear encouraging words that I'm doing the right thing, even if I already know I am. Even if my heart wants to hear that in some magical way he'll turn into this other person who would want a relationship with me. Lord, I feel stupid even writing that, but a brain in love has a mind of a 2 year old.

    I'm grateful I met him, grateful for the time we spent together, it was truly fun, although it lacked emotional intimacy, but now I have to step away from him because I deserve someone who would love me back. It hurts because I don't get into relationships just to be in one. I'm not looking to start a family, so I'm not actively looking for a partner, if it happens, it will. Good news is that if this guy was so perfect in every other way, it means that the next one will be even better.

    Thanks for listening.

  2. #2
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    Please just tell him that you are not interested in friendship.
    As you said you donít need him as a friend.
    Simply say ďI was interested in getting to know you better with view to a relationship but since you are not , then I wish you well. Iím not interested in a friendship with you as I sometimes donít give enough time to my existing friendsĒ

    And then NC. No further conversation required. No matter what his reply is.

    You only dated him for 2 weeks and then 6 weeks.
    There was no great connection , as you said he was distant and emotionally immature.

    Even if you went with your plan and went NC and 2 months later didnít care to date him and decided to be friends, would you ditch him if you started dating someone new who was interested in having a relationship with you? I would certainly hope so!!! So a friendship with him would basically be temporary anyway, whatís the point?

    I think he is setting you up as a fwb only!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    I completely agree with you and we actually just had our last conversation. He does still want to remain friends, it doesn't seem that he is going for a FWB situation this time round, but I am far from wanting that.

    I told him the truth. Was extremely honest with him. Told him that I am glad I met him and maybe the connection was just meant to be friends, only time will tell. He said he wants me in his life forever and he'll be there as a friend when I'm ready. I told him I'm glad he came into my life, but I can't promise him the same right now because I still have feelings, but my intention is to keep him in my life. I honestly don't care if we continue to be friends right now because although my heart still kinda wants him, my brain is in the right place and I know it's over. My heart wants him but with him actually wanting to be with me and that's not him.

    I asked him to not contact me, I unfollowed him and told him that I will text him when I'm ready. He said he will respect that. He also apologized multiple times that he was irresponsible with my feelings, that felt good.
    I finally managed to cry. It still hurts, but I just need time.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    Forgot to add: if this ever turns out to be a friendship I wouldn't ditch him if I met another guy. If I get into a friendship with him, that means I'll be 100% his friend, with no lingering feelings whatsoever. I don't ditch friends. Again, don't know if this will happen, but just sayin'.

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  6. #5
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    ď He said he wants me in his life forever and he'll be there as a friend when I'm readyĒ

    That is BS and you know it.

    ďMy intention is to keep him in my lifeĒ

    Why????

    You only knew each other for 56 days.
    He likes you enough to have sex with you but not enough to want a relationship with you. And now out of guilt demotes you to friends.
    And you are ok with that? You really shouldnít be!!!

    Yes he is grooming you to be fwb. He will be there for you when you get upset over your next insignificant break up .

    And then it will be you coming to him , so no guilt on his end.

    You have magnified a fling into some imaginary connection that he simply doesnít feel.
    Delete his number as well as blocking.

  7. #6
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    Really, he canít promise anything. He is full of it. So are the vast majority of people who say friends forever or anything forever.

    I think you are doing the right thing. Just go no contact and avoid people who canít give of themselves.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    Thank you for your input guys.
    It's good to see the other side of things as I am indeed still in love and that usually blurs things up.

    I too think he's exaggerating a bit when he says the forever stuff, I don't take that literally, I just see it as him trying to tell me how much he appreciates me. I cant explain it, we do have a good connection. The "relationship" wasn't good though. We we're good friends though, if that makes sense. I do think we handled it wrong. He did play with my feelings and that's one of the things I need to see if I can really forgive him about, and I did accept him back even though my mind was telling me to go NC even back then.

    It is indeed too short of a"relationship" and that's one reason why I think friendship might develop. It was rarely about the sex and more about the friendship part from the get go.

    I will take this under consideration though. Indeed I can't predict the future and considering he is emotional immature when it comes to love, there is a chance he'll regret it again and come begging to take him back, but for some reason I highly doubt it this time. His last texts were actually mature, it seems he has given thought to it, but again, a couple of texts won't change the facts.

    I do know he has a lot of female friends and I'm sure some of them probably came to be from the same circumstances. I read somewhere that staying in touch/friends with an ex is actually a bad character sign though. Hm. 😂

    This is very helpful. I do still believe him, but it is too soon and it's good to see other prospectives. Also it helps me talking about it

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Cope
    Forgot to add: if this ever turns out to be a friendship I wouldn't ditch him if I met another guy. If I get into a friendship with him, that means I'll be 100% his friend, with no lingering feelings whatsoever. I don't ditch friends. Again, don't know if this will happen, but just sayin'.
    So if you were in a relationship with someone else for 6 months who felt uncomfortable about your ďfriendshipĒ with a guy you slept with for 8 weeks, you would end that relationship just so you can be 100% friends with this guy?
    Really?
    I donít think this guy will reciprocate your friendship when he starts dating a girl he is interested in having a relationship with. Geez the guy spun you a classic! ďI donít want a relationship with anyoneĒ , he does , he just doesnít want one with you but donít feel bad cos itís not you itís me bs!

    He has walked away from a fwb leaving you thinking heís so lovely just a bit damaged. Heís not lol. He is very clear minded and played it well.
    Oscar nomination right there!!

    He was distant because he didnít care. He was emotionally distant because he had no strong emotions for you.
    He probably has a bit of a conscience to end it knowing you were getting all gf like when he only wanted a physical relationship with you, but possibly would like a more emotional connection with someone he feels that with. It wasnít you.

    He rejected you. Thatís ok!!!
    Rejection is only personal to the person rejecting , not the rejected.

    You need to stop listening to his bs and realise that any contact from him in the future will essentially be a booty call under the pretence of friendship.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    So if you were in a relationship with someone else for 6 months who felt uncomfortable about your ďfriendshipĒ with a guy you slept with for 8 weeks, you would end that relationship just so you can be 100% friends with this guy?
    If we really get into a friendship, a true meaningful one, like the one we miiiight be able to have as I had a glimpse of it during this time, it would be a good one. If any guy has a problem with that, then it's his problem and we probably won't be a good match. But this is too hypothetical, I don't even know if it will end in a friendship as I don't really care right now.


    Originally Posted by Billie28
    I donít think this guy will reciprocate your friendship when he starts dating a girl he is interested in having a relationship with. Geez the guy spun you a classic! ďI donít want a relationship with anyoneĒ , he does , he just doesnít want one with you but donít feel bad cos itís not you itís me bs!

    He has walked away from a fwb leaving you thinking heís so lovely just a bit damaged. Heís not lol. He is very clear minded and played it well.
    Oscar nomination right there!!

    He was distant because he didnít care. He was emotionally distant because he had no strong emotions for you.
    He probably has a bit of a conscience to end it knowing you were getting all gf like when he only wanted a physical relationship with you, but possibly would like a more emotional connection with someone he feels that with. It wasnít you.

    He rejected you. Thatís ok!!!
    Rejection is only personal to the person rejecting , not the rejected.

    You need to stop listening to his bs and realise that any contact from him in the future will essentially be a booty call under the pretence of friendship.
    This I do understand. It could be this way indeed, I don't know him that well to say the opposite. It's scary but a very good heads up.

    That said, I don't think he's like that. I'm pretty sure he is damaged and I'm not saying that in a romantic way at all. I never wanted to fix him, I was a bit delusional that he'll change his mind, but I was actually planning to break up with him because it was pointless and unfufilling, he just got me to it.

    The "relationship" was 5% sex and 95% friendship and hanging out. And I might be even exaggerating on the 5%😂 It was pretty clear that he wasn't emotionally involved, I just took the risk because I saw so many things in common such as life views/goals etc. Made the typical bad decision of "let's try and maybe he'll change his mind". Not regretting it, at least now I know. He did show he was interested in me as a person/friend but again, time will truly tell.

    I am sad mostly because of the rejection, but I know it will pass and I know it's not my fault. Anyone would be lucky to have me by their side. He just didn't want me there. I don't think he's pretending to be damaged, when he talks about it I can see it in his eyes and my friend saw it too. The whole situation does sound like it could be what you're describing, I have to admit that. Again, scary!

    If he contacts me during the time I asked him not to, that's bad on him. I never take that well. It will actually work against him. That shows character and I've already broke one of my rules for him (I took him back), really not willing to break another.

  11. #10
    Forum Supporter Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cope
    We are still talking it out, but after we both say what we have to say, I'm going NC, because even now, even when I know he doesn't want to be with me, even when I know that the "relationship" we had wasn't actually great because he was very distant, I still smile when he texts, I still get my hopes up a little bit, for no reason whatsoever and this time I'm not accepting it. I need to protect myself.
    I think you are doing absolutely the right thing by going NC. I'm not even a strong proponent of NC. But in this case, when he keeps reeling you back in, I think it's the thing to do.

    If you're still triggered by his texts, try changing your ring tone for him to something silly, like a wah wah bugle or a quacking or something. I've found this to be very effective. It's hard to feel a thrill when you hear a wah wah bugle

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