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Thread: Accepting

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Cope
    If we really get into a friendship, a true meaningful one, like the one we miiiight be able to have as I had a glimpse of it during this time, it would be a good one. If any guy has a problem with that, then it's his problem and we probably won't be a good match. But this is too hypothetical, I don't even know if it will end in a friendship as I don't really care right now.




    This I do understand. It could be this way indeed, I don't know him that well to say the opposite. It's scary but a very good heads up.

    That said, I don't think he's like that. I'm pretty sure he is damaged and I'm not saying that in a romantic way at all. I never wanted to fix him, I was a bit delusional that he'll change his mind, but I was actually planning to break up with him because it was pointless and unfufilling, he just got me to it.

    The "relationship" was 5% sex and 95% friendship and hanging out. And I might be even exaggerating on the 5%😂 It was pretty clear that he wasn't emotionally involved, I just took the risk because I saw so many things in common such as life views/goals etc. Made the typical bad decision of "let's try and maybe he'll change his mind". Not regretting it, at least now I know. He did show he was interested in me as a person/friend but again, time will truly tell.

    I am sad mostly because of the rejection, but I know it will pass and I know it's not my fault. Anyone would be lucky to have me by their side. He just didn't want me there. I don't think he's pretending to be damaged, when he talks about it I can see it in his eyes and my friend saw it too. The whole situation does sound like it could be what you're describing, I have to admit that. Again, scary!

    If he contacts me during the time I asked him not to, that's bad on him. I never take that well. It will actually work against him. That shows character and I've already broke one of my rules for him (I took him back), really not willing to break another.
    You keep ignoring the fact that you only knew him for 56 days yet claim to know he is damaged emotionally!
    Please stop pretending this is anything other than a normal just not interested kind of thing! That is all it is!

  2. #12
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    Hello Cope, good to see you, not under these circumstances obviously, but it's nice to see you back. :)

    I'm getting a different take from some others.

    I understand fears and anxieties surrounding intimacy/relationships/commitment all too well; I nether believe he is bs'ing you nor playing you, nor grooming you to be FWBs.

    His fears and anxieties run deep, and it seems the closer you become, the deeper the fear, he is unable to manage, so he runs from it..

    He has a deep fear of intimacy, which you have recognized and taking the proper steps to protect yourself from, good for you!!

    Who knows why, most likely from his past, but these conflicts run deep and take a long time to resolve, if ever. And they are very real.

    After nearly 20 years, my dear brother still struggles!

    So I would not count on this working out, not for many years anyway, assuming he's getting help..

    The good news is he is self-aware of his own struggles, hopefully he is seeking help to overcome them.

    If me, I would wish him well and say goodbye.

    A friendship is not possible, not now, nor ever, imo.

    Re only 56 days, it does not matter how long or short, fact is you developed feelings; my sense is he did as well, but is simply incapable of managing his feelings/emotions in a healthy way -- too many fears and anxieties -- so runs from them..

    Not your issue to deal with, it's his and his alone.

    Your job is to take care of YOU!

    Which you are doing, stick with that..

    I'm sorry it did not work cope, you deserve the best ,unfortunately he wasn't it.

    Keep going! You'll find your Mr. Right, promise!! xx
    Last edited by katrina1980; 05-11-2019 at 01:19 PM.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    Katrina!! Good to see you too!!
    And thanks for the reply. It is truly how I see it as well. It might have been a short time, but we got really close, not romantically as much as friend wise. Deep conversations etc, so I might not know him well, but I know him enough to realize he is indeed insecure and runs from intimacy and any sort of conflict. When breaking up with me he literally said "it was getting too serious and I can't handle it".

    That said, I have been going back n forth today from anger to missing what have could been. I felt used at some points but I know I'll see the Truth when everything settles down. Time will tell if he was an ahole or if we're right about his personality. Unfortunately, he is not seeking treatment, and I was not willing to be his doctor. I also don't think he will any time soon.

    I don't think this will ever work out, something miraculous needs to happen for him to come back a changed man. Only in that one in a million chance I'd maybe consider taking him back. Of course I'm human, but that is my intention. NC to heal and once I'm over him, because we have common friends, if our connection was indeed as I think it is, maybe a friendship will flourish, but I don't really care if that happens. I honestly am not interested in his friendship right now. Right now, the way he treated me doesn't really inspire trust, and I actually told him that I don't trust him right now. If he is the man I think he is, he's probably having a hard time as well. Not to the same degree, but I'm sure it's bugging him.

    Thanks for your encouraging words!
    I don't have any interest in searching for another right now and tbh, it might last this time. I have things to do lol! If it happens, it happens. I do know that the next one will indeed be even better and that's amazing!

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    As the title says, it's hard accepting that he didn't feel the same. Even though he treated me horribly, I find this hard to accept. I find myself thinking that he must've found someone else because in my head that's more acceptable than just not feeling the same way. So weird. But the truth is, he didn't feel the same way from the get go and he still pursued me. He played with my feelings knowingly. He apologized, and although it felt good to hear, it doesn't make it ok.

    I'm angry at him, I miss his company and I'm sad and all that at the same time. I know I still need time, I know I'm doing the right thing but it's still a bit painful. Questions like "did he ever feel anything?!" pop in my head and I just reply "nope". Because if I go down the "of course he did" road, it only makes me hold on to something that was never there.

    I gave myself a break from life for a couple of days, but I think I need to go out with friends today, it's a lovely day. I decided to treat this break up differently and that's a start. Hope I make it.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    I didn't make it outdoors, but that's ok.
    It's hard. It is easier, than other BUs, but still. I fell really hard for this guy. Although I'm trying to focus on how badly he treated me, my mind still wanders off to "what if he didn't mean it?" Etc thoughts. Fortunately, any other reason for the BU (besides the extremely obvious and clear one he gave me) my mind digs up, are all problematic too.

    Even in that extremely rare event he does come back, I can't trust him. I hate that he didn't even give me the reason why he pursued me again after the first bu.
    Unfortunately I didn't ask and I regret that, but there is no way I'm breaking NC for ANYTHING. I can't stop picturing him being fine and having fun, probably moving on already.

    And I'm going through every break up textbook emotion there is. I hope it's bothering him a little. Maybe it's not bugging him now, but I'm sure once he realizes I'm not coming back in a week or so, it will. If he's the man I thought he was, it will and he will most likely contact me and I hope he does so I can just ignore it and take some power back and feel better. It will also prove once more, that he doesn't respect me enough to stay away when I asked for NC.


    And I don't usually seek for "revenge", but this is how he makes me feel and for the first time in my life, I'm ok with it. Fortunately all my friends are on my side and although we share the same friends, he's basically the newcomer, so he's in for some scolding and he doesn't even know it.

    I'm pissed that I have to avoid places I hang out at, but I know it's just temporarily.

    I know this is all anger and once it's passed, I'll probably be ok with him, again, IF he is indeed the guy I thought he was, but I have to go through this anger phase.

    I've also regretted a bit that I was way too nice in our last text message exchange, but on the other hand, that's me. Now I'm angry, but in general I'm reasonable and nice. Yet have doormat tendencies I'm working on.

    I'm sad to admit that I still think that'd we'd be great together if only if only if only...blah.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    @katrina1980, if you see this, I'd like some insight, since you have experience with your brother and you described what I think he is to a T.

    How do people with these issues cope with jealousy? I noticed both times he ended it, he seemed jealous the same night, once with a friend of mine and last time with a random dude showing interest in me. He immediately hugged me to show I'm with him, even though he wasn't affectionate for days, and then insisted to go home with him just to break up with me once we got there.

    One of my theories is that it may indeed gotten too serious for him, as he said, and he can't deal with any type of emotions including jealousy, which we all know is the king of insecure based emotions.

    I just want to understand. This is still problematic, I'm just curious.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    It's still hard. My mind was in the right place after the break up but I went into full blown missing him/wanting him back mode. I'm still not wanting to contact him, so that's something, but it still sucks. I can't find the power to get out of bed and I know it will help, it's like I'm still holding on and if I get up it will all be over.

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