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Thread: Trust Issues

  1. #1
    Bronze Member bdwiii's Avatar
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    Trust Issues

    I could really use some advice right now.

    Iíve just recently gotten back together with a woman who had once cheated on me about a year ago. Yeah I know, call me crazy, a fool, call me what you will, but she came back to me and approached me with the question of would I consider giving us another try. I said yes and thatís what brings me to the forum again.

    Since sheís been back the only thing Iím not liking is her wanting to go out with her girlfriend just a bit too much for comfort. I confronted her about this and sheís told me sheís going to stop doing it because she cares. However, when she stayed out too late, or hesitated in answering her phone or texts, Iíd get paranoid right away and start thinking she was doing what she had done before which is why we parted ways in the first place.

    Basically Iím having trust issues because of the past even though now sheís proven me wrong three times already that she wasnít doing anything wrong at all, and by my not trusting her, is hurting her now because it makes her feel like (in her words) ďa piece of garbage.Ē Then we argue and I apologize for mistrusting her, yet I feel this will eventually destroy our relationship if I canít get this in check.

    Can someone please help me with some advice?

  2. #2
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    How long were you together before she cheated and how long after did you break up?
    How much time lapsed between break up and her asking for you back?
    What was the nature of the cheating? One off? Affair?

    You said she has proved you wrong 3 times?
    What does that even mean? She shouldnít have to prove you wrong? How did she? By showing you her phone or what?

    You chose to forgive her yet whatís the point when you refuse to trust her?
    And yes it is a choice to trust! Itís in your power to do so.
    Every time you suspect or get anxious, ask yourself what are the other possible scenarios instead of always jumping to the wrong conclusion .

  3. #3
    Hey there! I completely feel you on this. Trust issues are a burden... For any successful relationship, I believe trust is the foundation. If you truly want to be at ease you will have to fully give her your trust. If not, you will continue to be paranoid and/or she will begin to resent you for making her feel like ď a piece of garbageĒ. All the best to you.

  4. #4
    Bronze Member bdwiii's Avatar
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    We were together off and on for the past 14 years now but before I caught her cheating, we were together about six months. Then we were apart for about nine months before she asked to come back.

    The nature of the cheating was she was with her ex from a previous relationship she had while we were apart. It was a brief affair that didnít last very long but caused us to separate for the last nine months.

    Yes, sheís proven me wrong by doing exactly what she said she was, hanging out with her girlfriend and then coming home just as she had promised but because her being out a bit later than I thought was normal (1:30 am), I became paranoid about what she may be doing because of the past. Sheís gone out with her girlfriend three times now and come home late, but she came home as promised whereas before she didnít come home at all. So yes, she proved me wrong by showing me through her actions that the ďcheatingĒ I suspected wasnít going on.

    So now because of me being ďgun shyĒ from the past, I have doubted her and mistrusted her which is totally unfair of me and hurt her without reason. I feel awful for what I did to make her feel this way and now because of it she slept on the couch last night :(.

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member bdwiii's Avatar
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    Youíre exactly right and thatís whatís happening. I love her madly and I feel so bad for not trusting her when she did nothing wrong. Itíll destroy our relationship and if I donít get a grip, push her away to cheat again because of it. I donít want to lose her again.

  7. #6
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    You need to end this. You will never trust her again. You are acting like her father.

    Being on and off with someone for 14 years is off. Clearly, a relationship was not sustainable between the two of you. Why were you doing this?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    Hey there,

    So I have something for you and something for her.

    For you, if you forgive someone, then you must choose to do so completely. HOWEVER...

    For her, she has broken your trust and therefore must remember that you have precedence and valid reasons to feel the way that you do.

    Relationships are a 2-way street and if you are suffering through this alone and not discussing it with her, and if she is merely being defensive and not working through this with you (not saying she is...just for argument's sake), then this relationship doesn't have a solid foundation to build on.

    I know it's difficult and I'm recently brokenhearted myself so I get it.

    Good luck. Hope it all works out.

  9. #8
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    Don't waste any more precious years on a dead-end relationship, OP.

  10. #9
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    When you say you have "trust issues", that puts the negativity on you. As though you're the one with the problem.

    Once you realize the fallacy here, you'll see that you need to move on.

  11. #10
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    Before we even tackle the trust part, I'd echo what others have said about the relationship as a whole. On and off for 14 years... I'm of the opinon that you two are clearly not long-term relationship material for each other.

    To your question - Have you been with others during your "off" phases? If so, have you had these same suspicions and difficulty trusting with them? Do you find it difficult to trust in general, or just trust her because of your history? Have you done any couples and/or individual counseling to address it?

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