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I could really use some advice right now.

 

I’ve just recently gotten back together with a woman who had once cheated on me about a year ago. Yeah I know, call me crazy, a fool, call me what you will, but she came back to me and approached me with the question of would I consider giving us another try. I said yes and that’s what brings me to the forum again.

 

Since she’s been back the only thing I’m not liking is her wanting to go out with her girlfriend just a bit too much for comfort. I confronted her about this and she’s told me she’s going to stop doing it because she cares. However, when she stayed out too late, or hesitated in answering her phone or texts, I’d get paranoid right away and start thinking she was doing what she had done before which is why we parted ways in the first place.

 

Basically I’m having trust issues because of the past even though now she’s proven me wrong three times already that she wasn’t doing anything wrong at all, and by my not trusting her, is hurting her now because it makes her feel like (in her words) “a piece of garbage.” Then we argue and I apologize for mistrusting her, yet I feel this will eventually destroy our relationship if I can’t get this in check.

 

Can someone please help me with some advice?

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How long were you together before she cheated and how long after did you break up?

How much time lapsed between break up and her asking for you back?

What was the nature of the cheating? One off? Affair?

 

You said she has proved you wrong 3 times?

What does that even mean? She shouldn’t have to prove you wrong? How did she? By showing you her phone or what?

 

You chose to forgive her yet what’s the point when you refuse to trust her?

And yes it is a choice to trust! It’s in your power to do so.

Every time you suspect or get anxious, ask yourself what are the other possible scenarios instead of always jumping to the wrong conclusion .

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Hey there! I completely feel you on this. Trust issues are a burden... For any successful relationship, I believe trust is the foundation. If you truly want to be at ease you will have to fully give her your trust. If not, you will continue to be paranoid and/or she will begin to resent you for making her feel like “ a piece of garbage”. All the best to you.

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We were together off and on for the past 14 years now but before I caught her cheating, we were together about six months. Then we were apart for about nine months before she asked to come back.

 

The nature of the cheating was she was with her ex from a previous relationship she had while we were apart. It was a brief affair that didn’t last very long but caused us to separate for the last nine months.

 

Yes, she’s proven me wrong by doing exactly what she said she was, hanging out with her girlfriend and then coming home just as she had promised but because her being out a bit later than I thought was normal (1:30 am), I became paranoid about what she may be doing because of the past. She’s gone out with her girlfriend three times now and come home late, but she came home as promised whereas before she didn’t come home at all. So yes, she proved me wrong by showing me through her actions that the “cheating” I suspected wasn’t going on.

 

So now because of me being “gun shy” from the past, I have doubted her and mistrusted her which is totally unfair of me and hurt her without reason. I feel awful for what I did to make her feel this way and now because of it she slept on the couch last night :(.

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You’re exactly right and that’s what’s happening. I love her madly and I feel so bad for not trusting her when she did nothing wrong. It’ll destroy our relationship and if I don’t get a grip, push her away to cheat again because of it. I don’t want to lose her again.

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You need to end this. You will never trust her again. You are acting like her father.

 

Being on and off with someone for 14 years is off. Clearly, a relationship was not sustainable between the two of you. Why were you doing this?

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Hey there,

 

So I have something for you and something for her.

 

For you, if you forgive someone, then you must choose to do so completely. HOWEVER...

 

For her, she has broken your trust and therefore must remember that you have precedence and valid reasons to feel the way that you do.

 

Relationships are a 2-way street and if you are suffering through this alone and not discussing it with her, and if she is merely being defensive and not working through this with you (not saying she is...just for argument's sake), then this relationship doesn't have a solid foundation to build on.

 

I know it's difficult and I'm recently brokenhearted myself so I get it.

 

Good luck. Hope it all works out.

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Before we even tackle the trust part, I'd echo what others have said about the relationship as a whole. On and off for 14 years... I'm of the opinon that you two are clearly not long-term relationship material for each other.

 

To your question - Have you been with others during your "off" phases? If so, have you had these same suspicions and difficulty trusting with them? Do you find it difficult to trust in general, or just trust her because of your history? Have you done any couples and/or individual counseling to address it?

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Before we even tackle the trust part, I'd echo what others have said about the relationship as a whole. On and off for 14 years... I'm of the opinon that you two are clearly not long-term relationship material for each other.

 

To your question - Have you been with others during your "off" phases? If so, have you had these same suspicions and difficulty trusting with them? Do you find it difficult to trust in general, or just trust her because of your history? Have you done any couples and/or individual counseling to address it?

 

Yes, we’ve both been with other people in between the times we were apart, but it just seems that no matter how long it’s been or whoever else came and went in between we always wind up getting back together. However after this, if it doesn’t work then I’m done and we’ll part ways for good.

 

A friend of my father’s who’s a doctor did the same thing and were even married to other people but they’re back together now and going strong. I can’t help how I feel, I love her. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants.

 

Thank you for your kindness and your response, you’ve all been very helpful

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  • 2 weeks later...

Even if you forgive someone which means to move on without holding grudges, you'll never forget. Your relationship with her is damaged and scarred permanently. It will never revert to your former innocent and naive relationship with her. This is the difference. Your dynamic had since changed because in the back of your mind there will always be a seed of distrust implanted within the deep recesses of your brain, again, PERMANENTLY. You'll never be able to escape the past because people don't have memory loss after betrayal and deception. This is human nature no matter what the breach was.

 

You don't have to apologize for mistrusting her. You have every right to think the way you do because NO ONE has the control over your brain and how you think. You will always have a suspicious mind and rightly so.

 

If you can't trust a person with all your heart, there is no relationship to be had. This pertains to everybody on the face of this planet whether friends, family, relatives, in-laws, acquaintances. those in boyfriend-girlfriend relationships, marriages, etc. Something inside you dies. Something inside you got up and left. You can't look at the person the same way anymore. You become wary and jaded. These thoughts are universal.

 

I've forgiven a multitude of various people in my life and to this day I still have civil, peaceful relationships with them. However, it only goes so far. I will remain polite with them for the sake of peace but my new enforced healthy boundaries are here to stay. I forgive but there is no such thing as forget. Trust is dead because you don't want to get hurt anymore. You will prevent pain at all costs or at least the majority of people on this his Earth would all say basically the same thing I'm saying. This is human nature and as old as time. It's like burning your hand on the stove. Will you be willing to do it again? Or, will you be more careful so you won't feel pain again? Same thing with relationships. It is no different. You'll never forget what it feels like to be burned. In the future, you become more careful with your daily life.

 

My advice to you is to end your relationship with her because the relationship forever limp. Relationships shouldn't be fragile. Relationships should be strong, steadfast, unwavering, 200%+ trustworthy and absolute. In other words, normal. I don't see a long term successful relationship with her. Once bitten twice shy.

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