Low confidence brings problems

I am strongly suffering from low confidence. Please help! I am not giving my whole potential at work/relashionship/friendship because of that. I just feel like I am not good enough, like i dont deserve many things, like I cant participate at things happeni g at my worl because of that. I cant be present in conversations, nobody cares about what I say, if I say something. It is really devastating knowing that I have so much potential. What to do? I feel pressured at work because of that, I am as low confident that I get scared since right now about a party we msy have at work. I csnnot enjoy it. My head is full of socisl anxiety when I think about the party. I dont enjoy it at sll, I see otger people being that safe emotionally and it makes me cry for myself. I suffer so much inside. I try to keep it all inside and tried to live with it. But now it is killing me, I want to live/laugh, enjoy everytjing and I cant. How painful this is.

OP do you go to therapy? How long have you been feeling this way? You definitely need some help and support from a professional to help overcome these thoughts.

Yes please get some therapy to sort yourself out.

You should unearth your past and figure out what's triggering your self-doubt. I agree with you - the extent of what you're describing is not ok and it sounds debilitating. If you are constantly around negative influences that corrode your sense of self-worth, have experienced trauma or if you're constantly comparing yourself to others, you're in a negative and unhealthy thought cycle. In your previous posts, fear, anxiety and the feeling of being immobilized has been a theme. Out of curiosity, have you never felt like you were in a safe place?

You should unearth your past and figure out what's triggering your self-doubt. I agree with you - the extent of what you're describing is not ok and it sounds debilitating. If you are constantly around negative influences that corrode your sense of self-worth, have experienced trauma or if you're constantly comparing yourself to others, you're in a negative and unhealthy thought cycle. In your previous posts, fear, anxiety and the feeling of being immobilized has been a theme. Out of curiosity, have you never felt like you were in a safe place?

Yes but it doesnt last so much. It is like negative thought cycle with some small safe places in the middle. The last one was a combination of my work promotion, and getting back with my family.

How do I know which is the right therapist for me? Do you think online therapy sites can be helpful in this case? I could use a licenced one online but dont k ow how to distinguish. Doy know a good one? I want the info to be safe.

Possibly someone can recommend a good route for therapy but, in my experience, you may not find the right therapist for you first time and that’s okay - be aware that therapy can take time and also I would say manage some expectations in terms of what will change. But I totally agree with the advice. It will help!

Much of what you describe was me when I was younger and it can be incredibly limiting and affect your life and it’s great you are realising the effect it is having already. One thing I would say is that a LOT of people go through this and I think probably even most people do to varying degrees. A lot of people look confident but they still go through some of that inside. So when you look at those people with envy (if you do), know that some of them share your feelings on some level. Some have built up skills to get past it. If you’re anything like a lot of people, it will always be a part of you but you can get way better at managing it and use techniques that you might get from therapy to help you. And some life situations may force you to get better at it later - for example, I ended up in a job where I had to do pitches. It was the most terrifying thing but, over time, it helped me build a persona of what was fake confidence. Do that enough times and the fake persona turns into a skill set and then, eventually, becomes a part of you so it’s not fake any more.

I don’t know much about your life situation but that’s what I’d probably look for in conjunction with counselling or therapy: can you build up a set of practical skills to help? Might sound like a bizarre place to start but the one place I can think of that offer applicable skills are sales and marketing books. Much of their advice comes down to projecting a persona. If you can apply some of those while also using therapy to explore some of your more real confidence issues, it could help.

I wish you luck! I’m new here but recognised things you wrote in myself and I wish I had tackled it head on much, much sooner. You have seen something to work on and that’s a good start.

Possibly someone can recommend a good route for therapy but, in my experience, you may not find the right therapist for you first time and that’s okay - be aware that therapy can take time and also I would say manage some expectations in terms of what will change. But I totally agree with the advice. It will help!

 

Much of what you describe was me when I was younger and it can be incredibly limiting and affect your life and it’s great you are realising the effect it is having already. One thing I would say is that a LOT of people go through this and I think probably even most people do to varying degrees. A lot of people look confident but they still go through some of that inside. So when you look at those people with envy (if you do), know that some of them share your feelings on some level. Some have built up skills to get past it. If you’re anything like a lot of people, it will always be a part of you but you can get way better at managing it and use techniques that you might get from therapy to help you. And some life situations may force you to get better at it later - for example, I ended up in a job where I had to do pitches. It was the most terrifying thing but, over time, it helped me build a persona of what was fake confidence. Do that enough times and the fake persona turns into a skill set and then, eventually, becomes a part of you so it’s not fake any more.

 

I don’t know much about your life situation but that’s what I’d probably look for in conjunction with counselling or therapy: can you build up a set of practical skills to help? Might sound like a bizarre place to start but the one place I can think of that offer applicable skills are sales and marketing books. Much of their advice comes down to projecting a persona. If you can apply some of those while also using therapy to explore some of your more real confidence issues, it could help.

 

I wish you luck! I’m new here but recognised things you wrote in myself and I wish I had tackled it head on much, much sooner. You have seen something to work on and that’s a good start.

Thank for your advice! I also wish I could have improved this much sooner than middle twenties. I think our character is already created right now. As per your advice, I am considering doing smth similar, but starting by engaging in public speaking groups. I am not sure to what grade this will help but lets see. As per therapist Im not sure, if it can help and theyre expensive too.

Thank for your advice! I also wish I could have improved this much sooner than middle twenties. I think our character is already created right now. As per your advice, I am considering doing smth similar, but starting by engaging in public speaking groups. I am not sure to what grade this will help but lets see. As per therapist Im not sure, if it can help and theyre expensive too.

Public speaking groups are a great idea! They might be hard at first but stick at it. One thing I did that I must admit I found hugely uncomfortable at first but it really helped was do an improv class at a local acting school. It was just something I spotted one day and it took about six months to summon the courage to join but it was a massive help. Really for me, it came down to creating and playing a role. People say be yourself but myself at that time was shy, riddled with anxiety and confidence issues. So for a couple of years, I effectively created someone else. And now years later, my true self is a mix of those people.

One other thing to consider in this. It might not be relevant to you but I used to torment myself in my mind, playing out conversations a million different ways afterwards wishing how they could have gone. I realised a lot later that this can partly be turned a strength if you do it in advance. My big lesson in pitching I learned was to be prepared to the point where it flows so well that it sounds like it is spontaneous - that’s also how I pushed through nerves. Even if my hands were shaking, I knew what I was doing. Applying that to relationships, what I realised was that I could go into a situation really prepared. I’d picture it in advance and play it out a whole bunch of ways, think of things to say, play conversations. When I got into that social situation (be it a night out or whatever), I felt like I had already experienced it and I was prepared.

It’s all hard and it can be exhausting but it can be done and the more you manage to overcome this the better you’ll feel and you’ll start to build a sense that you have earned confidence, that you deserve it. If anything, maybe more than most because you had to work for it. You can do it.

For me - you have to build esteem. It doesn't just happen on its own.

That is, you have to DO things...accomplish things...to feel good about yourself. If you're not doing anything with your life, you won't feel good about yourself.

The easy fixes are: Go to the gym, get a really nice wardrobe...volunteer at a few places...go to a few meetups just to do things, not to meet people...and let your life happen naturally :-)