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No communication in between our dates


Bella1010

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Hi everyone, I just wanted to get some thoughts on whether you think this is just how my boyfriend is wired, or if it’s something else that I should be concerned about.

 

We’ve been together 8 months now, and things have progressed quite slowly because our schedules and both having children allow us to see each other 2 times per week. Maybe a third time but just very briefly in the morning for a coffee before work. He is extremely busy with long hours, works 6 days a week, single dad, dogs, very much into upkeep of his home/garden and both of his kids play sports in which he’s very involved in. So I get that communication in between the times we get together may be the last thing on his mind. However in the very early stages of our relationship, the first month he was great at keeping up the connection. Then that slowly faded. He went through a stressful time for a couple of months and the communication then got better. I supposed I was the one he leaned on, as I would receive some texts here and there and an phone call from him. But again, when that issue was resolved a couple of months ago, the communication went back to the way it was. I brought it up a few weeks ago, that I would like to hear from him and it seemed like he had no idea this was a problem although I brought it up previously. He said he would make that effort. Well he really hasn’t.

 

I’d like to add that when I do try to get in touch with him, he will be quick to reply to all of my texts and answer my calls. But very rarely will he be the one to initiate. And perhaps I beat him to the punch because I have only allowed a couple of days to pass until I contact him.

 

Could it be that he’s just comfortable and settled in now, and we have a routine where we see each other every few days that he feels it isn’t necessary? Or is this something you all think I should be worried about?

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It sounds like this is his attachment style, with the exception of the very beginning and though you are hoping for change, you might have to accept that - this is who he is.

Is this something you can live with?

You've asked for change, there was a slight shift but it didn't take. So, what you see it what you get.

 

Is this something you should worry about? That's up to you. What exactly would be your concern? That he has another life or he is compartmentalizing his life?

Ultimately you get to decide if this works for you.

 

He seems to have a lot on his plate and at the same time it's understandable that you would like to keep the connection going in between the times together.

 

Even though I tend to be the overly independent one in my relationships, I do experience a disconnect or detachment with out the benefit of some sort of communication during the times apart.

 

You are entitled to feel they way you do.

You are also entitled to choose a partner that meets your needs.

In the meantime I would give him the gift of missing you.

No one person should not do all the heavy lifting.

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Seems to me that both of you have different expectations when it comes to communication in a relationship. You expect more communication than he does. Neither side is necessarily wrong in this, it's just different and, ideally, the two of you will work together and compromise on your differences in expectations when it comes to the level of communication in your relationship.

 

If the two of you are unable to compromise and if you truly believe that your needs are not being met when it comes to the level of communication in your relationship, you need to ask yourself the following: is this a deal breaker? That is, is this something that you are unable to live with and tolerate? No partner is 100% perfect. There will always be SOME qualities about the other person that we don't like. So long as these qualities are not deal breakers, we can learn to live with them and accept them. If, however, it really and truly is a deal breaker, then the relationship must end. This is because you will never be able to have a healthy, thriving relationship with someone whom you are not fully accepting of.

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I dated someone for a few months that wasn't all that into "in between" communication, also. We lived almost an hour apart and only saw each other on weekends, and I rarely heard from him during the week. I asked advise about this as well, and the advice I got was that I needed to let him know that a little more communication was important to me in regards to fostering a blossoming relationship, although I shouldn't expect it to change drastically since he wasn't altogether into massive amounts of texting or calling.

 

I did tell him that I felt like our connection was fading based on the lack of communication, and it did improve after that. He made it a habit to call me every day on his way home from work - a 15 minute drive or so. It wasn't much, but it was enough to keep up the feeling of communication so that I didn't feel so disconnected from him anymore. And if we had lasted, that small daily 15 minute (or so) phone call would have been enough for me.

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I brought it up a few weeks ago, that I would like to hear from him and it seemed like he had no idea this was a problem although I brought it up previously. He said he would make that effort. Well he really hasn’t. ?

 

 

It sounds like you made the healthy decision to communicate your concerns to him, did he explain why he wasn't communicating as much?

 

It could be that he has settled and the honeymoon phase has passed for him or it could be that this is how he really is.

 

I would make one more attempt at telling him your communication needs, and your need to keep the spark in the relationship should be share by both of you. Don't let resentment built within you, you are now founding the basis for what could be a future together.

 

Best of luck

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Eerily similar to another thread, and I'll pose the same question to you as I did to them. When it comes to the actual substance, as in you two going on dates and physically being together, who's putting in the bulk of the effort, planning, paying, etc.? It's one thing to have differing communication styles, but it is another when (traditionally and commonly) the guy is putting in the footwork for getting together, while your responsibility is simply to take initiative in keeping in touch the way you'd like to keep in touch. The fact he's very receptive and responsive to your communicating in your fashion, even though it likely isn't his own manner, I think is plenty excusable and indeed acceptable if he's putting in at least equal effort into otherwise advancing the relationship, especially considering all the effort he's putting into his life and kids on top of it.

 

Now if you simply need a guy who takes it upon themselves to call and text as often as you'd like, then that's its own consideration. I'd incline myself to look for someone who is into texting and calling rather than getting someone to begrudgingly appeal to your communication style. There's plenty of space later down the line for compromise. Making it about texting IMO sets the bar stupidly low. I like seeing who people are and how they're comfortable and inclined to be, communication styles and all, and making a decision for myself from there. It did me pretty well.

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The paying and planning of dates I would say is split right in the middle. We take turns visiting each other and paying for dinners. I certainly do not want to base the relationship on frequency of communication between dates, and I’m trying to understand from his perspective because I think, maybe he just knows we are going to see each other on x day, so maybe he doesn’t see the point, or he’s so caught up in life that it doesn’t cross his mind.

 

But a couple of months ago, he did text, he did call. I never felt insecure and now that’s fallen off, I am feeling insecure. I don’t think he’s doing anything he shouldn’t be doing, it’s just the feeling of “he’s not into me” kicks in. Now if it were just him feeling comfortable and settled in, I understand that. But I wonder if he’s lost interest.

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Relationships with divorced parents move a lot slower than with single people. If you consistently go on 2 dates a week and sometimes see eachother a third time, and he does respond to you quickly when you text or call, he works six days a week and he has custody of his active kids on top of it -- I think that's actually pretty good. If the relationship progressed to something that was headed towards a commitment, you would probably be involved with the kids, too. This guy hardly has a moment to breathe - and yet he's going on 2.5 dates a week with you. That has got to count for something. You have to decide if he's worth the wait until your relationship grows and you are more integrated into his life or if he is someone you rather throw back in the sea for someone with no kids

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Great point, abitbroken. I’m definitely willing to give it some time because I care so much about him and hope maybe one day, we can have a future.

 

And I’m glad your brought up the possibility of being involved with his kids if it were to progress. I have kids as well and at the point in our relationship where I feel comfortable introducing him. Yet, he has not brought it up. Could this also be a sign he does not see me as someone he can ever be serious with?

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The paying and planning of dates I would say is split right in the middle. We take turns visiting each other and paying for dinners. I certainly do not want to base the relationship on frequency of communication between dates, and I’m trying to understand from his perspective because I think, maybe he just knows we are going to see each other on x day, so maybe he doesn’t see the point, or he’s so caught up in life that it doesn’t cross his mind.

 

But a couple of months ago, he did text, he did call. I never felt insecure and now that’s fallen off, I am feeling insecure. I don’t think he’s doing anything he shouldn’t be doing, it’s just the feeling of “he’s not into me” kicks in. Now if it were just him feeling comfortable and settled in, I understand that. But I wonder if he’s lost interest.

If he's responsible for his kids, is on top of their sports and extra cirriculars, and working six days a week, yet still manages to swing three dates in with you, I highly doubt that.

 

Look, if it's the hill you want to die on, go for it. You know the quality of your relationship aside from this issue better than any of us. You know just how much you need calls and texts better than us. But from my perspective, I think it's digging up drama where it needn't be dug up.

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No j.man, certainly not my intention to make more of it than it is. I think I just wanted to get a better idea of this was something of concern ie. loss of interest vs. just how he is. If that’s the case, not a big deal. I would love to feel more connected, but not a dealbreaker because the quality of time we spend together trumps that. I appreciate you putting things in perspective for me, it’s good to hear the other side of it. A couple of my girlfriends of course make it difficult saying he’s not into me, just using me for the companionship, etc, and that is why he may drop off if I allow it.

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I have kids as well and at the point in our relationship where I feel comfortable introducing him. Yet, he has not brought it up. Could this also be a sign he does not see me as someone he can ever be serious with?

No, it just means his values are different than yours.

I might not have introduced my kids at 5 months of weekend dates.

And it wasn't a reflection of how much I cared about him. I personally would want to be clear with myself that I saw this person as potential life long partner before I mixed the kids in. And I'd be evaluating where my kids where emotionally at that particular time that they could handle meeting someone I was serious about.

There have been times that at 5 months, even though i was enjoying my time with the person I was seeing, I still wasn't sure.

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A couple of my girlfriends of course make it difficult saying he’s not into me, just using me for the companionship, etc, and that is why he may drop off if I allow it.

 

Unfortunately friends either see things we don't see clearly, or they are projecting their own failures into your situation. So I get why it gets confusing.

 

But it is interesting that you used the term `if I allow it' It suggests that you feel you're the one holding this together. If so, why on earth would you??

 

Personally, I would only want to be with a man who was equally enthusiastic about my company. If I felt that he could leave if I wasn't doing all the heavy lifting, I'd drop the rope I'm pulling this with and let him walk.

 

There's only one way to find out and I think you know what that is. Drop the rope and you'll see how invested he is. Wouldn't you rather know now than in 5 more months from now?

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I'm gonna cut to the chase here, OP why does him not texting as much bother you so much?

 

Do you view it as he doesn't "care" as much anymore or he's losing interest in you?

 

And that is what concerns you, not the actual texting?

 

How are you interpreting it?

 

If you felt 100% secure in this relationshiop, and his love, would you feel the same?

 

What if he worked a job that didn't allow for texting during his daily work hours, would you still be bothered by it so much?

 

It sounds like your taking it very personally, imposing your own interpretation of what it means, when in reality it has nothing to do with you or his feelings for you, or lack thereof.

 

My bf and I texted all the time in early stages, it became too much (for me too!), however HE was the one who brought it up.

 

At the time, I felt very secure in our connection and did not view it as him losing interest at all.

 

To the contrary, he was thinking long term, and he knew maintaining that style and pace would cause burn out.

 

Now we very rarely text during the day unless it's to confirm a plan or something.

 

We may even miss a day!

 

It's okay!! I love missing him, and when we do finally talk and get together, that little bit of distance results in our time together being that much more exciting and real.

 

So look within and determine what the real issue is.

 

If it's to increase how secure you feel in the relationship and with him, thats a different issue altogether.

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Also ask yourself, if he did start texting more, at your request and not because he actually wanted to from his heart, how would this make you feel more secure?

 

I certainly would not want my bf texting, or spending more time w me (hypothetically) because I asked him, it defeats the purpose.

 

I only want him doing so if it comes from his own desire to do so, from his heart.

 

Jmo but I think your issues run deeper than him simply not texting as much.

 

Explore that. Resolve that.

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But it is interesting that you used the term `if I allow it' It suggests that you feel you're the one holding this together.

 

This jumped out at me too.

 

Past the Greek chorus of your friends, past the shifting frequency in communication, you've got a spirit that must be communicating something to you at this point. Do you feel you're on the same page in terms of enthusiasm for seeing each other and enthusiasm for where it's all going?

 

I get the sense that this relationship is in something of a plateau, which is not a bad thing. There is security in stability, in not swinging from high to low and calling whiplash a deep connection. But you also want the security that you are climbing toward a shared goal, together, and I guess I wonder if you feel that's happening.

 

I admit I do find it a bit odd, if I'm reading this correctly, that you haven't talked about meeting each other's kids. Everyone has different values on that front, in terms of when it actually happens, but after 8 months I'd imagine that it's something that is discussed.

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Also ask yourself, if he did start texting more, at your request and not because he actually wanted to from his heart, how would this make you feel more secure?

 

I certainly would not want my bf texting, or spending more time w me (hypothetically) because I asked him, it defeats the purpose.

 

I only want him doing so if it comes from his own desire to do so, from his heart.

 

Jmo but I think your issues run deeper than him simply not texting as much.

 

Explore that. Resolve that.

At the same time I think there are compromises in relationships. Small adjustments that doesn't violate the other person in any way, that would make your partner happy.

Small favors made in good faith that create a balance of give and take. We can't read each others mind. Well, at least I can't.

 

Example: if my boyfriend wanted to exchange good mornings with me and that makes him happy, it doesn't rob me of anything and there's this organic balance of meeting each others needs, than that's ok. Besides, what is the likelihood that you are going to meeting someone who is EXACTLY like you.

 

I've been on the other end of this, where my partners demands on me cause my resentment. So there is a limit and I've experienced it.

 

It's when the imbalance happens, the scales are tilted too far in one direction and one person feels their needs are not getting met in any particular relationship.

 

I am not there. I don't know the exact nature of their dynamic, whether this is two different attachment styles of two good people or there is some garden variety insecurities on one persons end.

 

But there's couple ways to find out. Speak up or back off and see what happens.

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But it is interesting that you used the term `if I allow it' It suggests that you feel you're the one holding this together. If so, why on earth would you??

 

I don’t think I’m necessarily the only one holding this together. It’s more so that if I don’t contact him between dates, he can probably go those 3-4 days without contact. Otherwise, we will just see each other on our “usual” days.

 

Katrina, yes, it really comes down to my own interpretation of it, not so much that I actually need the frequency to increase. I feel that the shift in the past few months may indicate that he doesn’t care anymore or has simply lost interest.

 

Question about meeting each others’ kids. At 8 months, this is unusual then, that it hasn’t occurred? Is this something I should bring up to him? If so, any suggestions on how to approach him with this, without making him feel pressured?

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Great point, abitbroken. I’m definitely willing to give it some time because I care so much about him and hope maybe one day, we can have a future.

 

And I’m glad your brought up the possibility of being involved with his kids if it were to progress. I have kids as well and at the point in our relationship where I feel comfortable introducing him. Yet, he has not brought it up. Could this also be a sign he does not see me as someone he can ever be serious with?

 

You are reading too much into things. A guy that makes time, despite having his kids all the time, for 2 dates per week plus an additional third meetup when it works out is really interested in you. He is almost giving you equal time to his kids as far as evenings go. And too many people rush things. Lots of couples do not get the kids involved unless they are considering a proposal and meeting the kids/seeing how everyone gels is the last piece of the puzzle, not the first piece. at 8 months and both having kids - its not nearly at that point yet. Its rare and good when someone is not in a mad rush for introductions.

 

At this point, you are past the initial excitement of a new relationship and now you are into the relationship. After the year or year and a half mark (so long that everything is going well and nothing major happens), decide what to do.

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I don’t think I’m necessarily the only one holding this together. It’s more so that if I don’t contact him between dates, he can probably go those 3-4 days without contact. Otherwise, we will just see each other on our “usual” days.

 

Katrina, yes, it really comes down to my own interpretation of it, not so much that I actually need the frequency to increase. I feel that the shift in the past few months may indicate that he doesn’t care anymore or has simply lost interest.

 

Question about meeting each others’ kids. At 8 months, this is unusual then, that it hasn’t occurred? Is this something I should bring up to him? If so, any suggestions on how to approach him with this, without making him feel pressured?

 

When someone doesn't care, they stop seeing you or they start blowing you off.

its not 3-4 days between dates if he sees you 2-3 times a week. The math does't add up.

Its healthy to not have met eachother's kids yet. Wait for the year mark and see how you both feel about it -- but like i say - the longer someone you are dating doesn't meet your kids, the better. I have known people that did not meet the kids for 2 years and they ended up getting married. Have you met his best friend? Or his work buddy? If you have not met anyone at all at the one year mark i would be concerned with that, but i would not be concerned that you had not met the kids.

 

He doesn't text as much because he can't at work, or just simply looks forward to talking to you when he sees you

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At the same time I think there are compromises in relationships. Small adjustments that doesn't violate the other person in any way, that would make your partner happy.

Small favors made in good faith that create a balance of give and take. We can't read each others mind. Well, at least I can't.

 

Example: if my boyfriend wanted to exchange good mornings with me and that makes him happy, it doesn't rob me of anything and there's this organic balance of meeting each others needs, than that's ok. Besides, what is the likelihood that you are going to meeting someone who is EXACTLY like you.

 

I've been on the other end of this, where my partners demands on me cause my resentment. So there is a limit and I've experienced it.

 

It's when the imbalance happens, the scales are tilted too far in one direction and one person feels their needs are not getting met in any particular relationship.

 

I am not there. I don't know the exact nature of their dynamic, whether this is two different attachment styles of two good people or there is some garden variety insecurities on one persons end.

 

But there's couple ways to find out. Speak up or back off and see what happens.

 

Bella responded to my first post admitting she needs him to text more in order to make her feel more secure.

 

Jmo, but I think this is pretty common.

 

One person feels insecure, so needs more from their partner to make themselves feel more secure in the relationship.

 

It has nothing to do with actually loving their partner, quite the opposite, they need for themselves to alleviate their own anxiety and insecurity about the relationship.

 

To me this is an unfair burden on your partner. It's not their fault you're anxious or insecure, that is his/her own issue to resolve, within themselves.

 

In your case reinvent, I suspect your bf simply enjoyed hearing your voice first thing in the morn, he did not need to exchange good morns to make himself feel more secure.

 

So it's different from what Bella's concern is, she admitted as much.

 

Anyway, for me in my relationships, I either accept and are happy with what he does choose to give, on his own, from within his own heart, and appreciate those things, or if I cannot, I leave.

 

Not suggesting this is the right approach for everyone, only what works for me in my relationships.

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I didn’t mean to imply that it’s unusual that you haven’t met each other’s kids. That’s deeply personal, and is going to be different for everyone.

 

I just meant talking about it. Your kids are big parts of both your lives and relationships are about sharing lives—and, in the process, making some kind of life together. That’s also going to be different for everyone, no wrong or right.

 

I guess I can’t help but get the sense that you maybe want more from this—and perhaps more than 12 text messages in the 72 hours between meeting up. Some sense, maybe, that you two are evolving in some way past hanging out?

 

Kids aside, have you found your lives intertwining? Do you know his friends? Does he know yours?

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Hi Katrina, it’s not just my insecurity. Since you mentioned to reinvent that perhaps her boyfriend wanted to hear her voice, it’s like that for me too. I just love hearing from him. I miss the sound of his voice, just overall when I am not with him, I miss his presence so not just the insecurity and feeling he’s no longer interested, it’s also the missing part, and feeling disconnected during those few days.

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Hi Katrina, it’s not just my insecurity. Since you mentioned to reinvent that perhaps her boyfriend wanted to hear her voice, it’s like that for me too. I just love hearing from him. I miss the sound of his voice, just overall when I am not with him, I miss his presence so not just the insecurity and feeling he’s no longer interested, it’s also the missing part, and feeling disconnected during those few days.

 

Ok, thanks for clarifying, fair enough. :)

 

You are a perfect candidate for what reinvent advised then.

 

Talk to him.

 

For me, I actually love the feeling of missing my bf, so I can handle the distance no problem.

 

It makes our time together that much more special, for both of us.

 

But you do YOU!

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