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Thread: No communication in between our dates

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Bella1010
    I donít think Iím necessarily the only one holding this together. Itís more so that if I donít contact him between dates, he can probably go those 3-4 days without contact. Otherwise, we will just see each other on our ďusualĒ days.

    Katrina, yes, it really comes down to my own interpretation of it, not so much that I actually need the frequency to increase. I feel that the shift in the past few months may indicate that he doesnít care anymore or has simply lost interest.

    Question about meeting each othersí kids. At 8 months, this is unusual then, that it hasnít occurred? Is this something I should bring up to him? If so, any suggestions on how to approach him with this, without making him feel pressured?
    When someone doesn't care, they stop seeing you or they start blowing you off.
    its not 3-4 days between dates if he sees you 2-3 times a week. The math does't add up.
    Its healthy to not have met eachother's kids yet. Wait for the year mark and see how you both feel about it -- but like i say - the longer someone you are dating doesn't meet your kids, the better. I have known people that did not meet the kids for 2 years and they ended up getting married. Have you met his best friend? Or his work buddy? If you have not met anyone at all at the one year mark i would be concerned with that, but i would not be concerned that you had not met the kids.

    He doesn't text as much because he can't at work, or just simply looks forward to talking to you when he sees you

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    At the same time I think there are compromises in relationships. Small adjustments that doesn't violate the other person in any way, that would make your partner happy.
    Small favors made in good faith that create a balance of give and take. We can't read each others mind. Well, at least I can't.

    Example: if my boyfriend wanted to exchange good mornings with me and that makes him happy, it doesn't rob me of anything and there's this organic balance of meeting each others needs, than that's ok. Besides, what is the likelihood that you are going to meeting someone who is EXACTLY like you.

    I've been on the other end of this, where my partners demands on me cause my resentment. So there is a limit and I've experienced it.

    It's when the imbalance happens, the scales are tilted too far in one direction and one person feels their needs are not getting met in any particular relationship.

    I am not there. I don't know the exact nature of their dynamic, whether this is two different attachment styles of two good people or there is some garden variety insecurities on one persons end.

    But there's couple ways to find out. Speak up or back off and see what happens.
    Bella responded to my first post admitting she needs him to text more in order to make her feel more secure.

    Jmo, but I think this is pretty common.

    One person feels insecure, so needs more from their partner to make themselves feel more secure in the relationship.

    It has nothing to do with actually loving their partner, quite the opposite, they need for themselves to alleviate their own anxiety and insecurity about the relationship.

    To me this is an unfair burden on your partner. It's not their fault you're anxious or insecure, that is his/her own issue to resolve, within themselves.

    In your case reinvent, I suspect your bf simply enjoyed hearing your voice first thing in the morn, he did not need to exchange good morns to make himself feel more secure.

    So it's different from what Bella's concern is, she admitted as much.

    Anyway, for me in my relationships, I either accept and are happy with what he does choose to give, on his own, from within his own heart, and appreciate those things, or if I cannot, I leave.

    Not suggesting this is the right approach for everyone, only what works for me in my relationships.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I didnít mean to imply that itís unusual that you havenít met each otherís kids. Thatís deeply personal, and is going to be different for everyone.

    I just meant talking about it. Your kids are big parts of both your lives and relationships are about sharing livesóand, in the process, making some kind of life together. Thatís also going to be different for everyone, no wrong or right.

    I guess I canít help but get the sense that you maybe want more from thisóand perhaps more than 12 text messages in the 72 hours between meeting up. Some sense, maybe, that you two are evolving in some way past hanging out?

    Kids aside, have you found your lives intertwining? Do you know his friends? Does he know yours?

  4. #24
    Hi Katrina, itís not just my insecurity. Since you mentioned to reinvent that perhaps her boyfriend wanted to hear her voice, itís like that for me too. I just love hearing from him. I miss the sound of his voice, just overall when I am not with him, I miss his presence so not just the insecurity and feeling heís no longer interested, itís also the missing part, and feeling disconnected during those few days.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Bella1010
    Hi Katrina, itís not just my insecurity. Since you mentioned to reinvent that perhaps her boyfriend wanted to hear her voice, itís like that for me too. I just love hearing from him. I miss the sound of his voice, just overall when I am not with him, I miss his presence so not just the insecurity and feeling heís no longer interested, itís also the missing part, and feeling disconnected during those few days.
    Ok, thanks for clarifying, fair enough. :)

    You are a perfect candidate for what reinvent advised then.

    Talk to him.

    For me, I actually love the feeling of missing my bf, so I can handle the distance no problem.

    It makes our time together that much more special, for both of us.

    But you do YOU!

  7. #26
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It really boils down to what feels good to you. If it feels like he's complacent, pull back a little and don't text or call him every other day. If he wonders why you're being a stranger, just let him know that you've been doing the calling recently and you don't feel you're getting much back from him. I wouldn't go into specifics or come down too hard. If he has any sense, he'll get the point and if he's worth his salt, he'll step up to the challenge. If a man wants to be in contact with you, he'll contact you.

    I'd only suggest going over why you feel insecure about his potential lack of interest. It is of no bearing on you as a person or what you're capable of, totally independent of whatever romantic relationship you have with anyone. You are your own person and fully capable of engaging in a relationship with someone else if this were not to work out. You're working with a lot of fear. Eliminate that fear completely and encourage more self-confidence in yourself. There is no need and no room for this type of thinking or sadness. Remember that you are not defined by the success of this relationship or how much attention he gives you. I think you would benefit from rebuilding yourself and reconnecting with your family and your loved ones and your interests.

  8. #27
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
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    A lot of people are suggesting that you pull back and see what he does. I'm not necessarily on board with that strategy. It's not uncommon for individuals with anxious attachment styles to "act out" or "test" the relationship in that way to see if their partner really loves them. If your partner notices the change, and responds, it will reassure you. However, they may notice the change and become suspicious of the sudden shift in communication style and not respond the way you'd like. If you think about it, suddenly pulling back would be an attempt to play into your partner's anxiety and make them question the relationship. Most people don't enjoy being tested, and even if it works, you'll have to keep pulling back to get the same effect (which is not what you ultimately want).

    That being said, I'm not suggesting you keep everything the same. He sounds like a consistent and reliable guy to me, but many good points have been made here. If you find yourself feeling tempted to test the relationship, ask yourself why. What signs other than the texting and calling indicate he's not as invested as you? Are you simply value incompatible? (e.g. are you interested in more commitment or a shared future together and you sense/know that he would be okay with your relationship never progressing beyond a certain point?) Do you feel like you're putting in more effort when you're together?

    A little more honest analysis will answer the question of whether this is truly a problem for you. If not texting and calling throughout the week is a problem and he's not board with changing, he may not be the guy for you, and that's okay. I just wouldn't rush to throw away a good thing if that's the only real issue the two of you currently have.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You make a very valid point.
    I am not advocating her testing him. The words she used to describe how she felt was as if she was one holding this together and in fear that she didn't, it might fall apart. If there is a void resist the temptation to keep filling it up.
    It's more about testing herself to let go, step back, have some faith and see what happens.
    It seems that she might be motivated by her anxiety to fix things and she doesn't even allow the opportunity for him to meet her half way.
    If she lets go of the steering wheel, she might be pleasantly surprised.
    She also might be surprised with her own resilience.
    She can't change him but she can change how she views her own interpretation of what's happening.

  10. #29
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    You make a very valid point.
    I am not advocating her testing him. The words she used to describe how she felt was as if she was one holding this together and in fear that she didn't, it might fall apart.
    It's more about testing herself to let go, step back, have some faith and see what happens.
    It seems that she might be motivated by her anxiety to fix things and she doesn't even allow the opportunity for him to meet her half way.
    If she lets go of the steering wheel, she might be pleasantly surprised.
    She also might be surprised with her own resilience.
    I can definitely agree with that. Understanding her motivations behind her actions will be important for the strategy to be successful in bringing her peace. I have a bit of an anxious attachment style myself and know the pitfalls of the push-pull dynamic, so I hope she is not getting herself into that pattern. Letting go and letting the relationship simply be what it is can be quite difficult.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SGH
    Letting go and letting the relationship simply be what it is can be quite difficult.
    Most definitely. .anxious at times here too.
    I've learned to practice this and though grueling at first, the rewards are ultimately worth it.

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