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Thread: No communication in between our dates

  1. #11
    No j.man, certainly not my intention to make more of it than it is. I think I just wanted to get a better idea of this was something of concern ie. loss of interest vs. just how he is. If thatís the case, not a big deal. I would love to feel more connected, but not a dealbreaker because the quality of time we spend together trumps that. I appreciate you putting things in perspective for me, itís good to hear the other side of it. A couple of my girlfriends of course make it difficult saying heís not into me, just using me for the companionship, etc, and that is why he may drop off if I allow it.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Bella1010
    I have kids as well and at the point in our relationship where I feel comfortable introducing him. Yet, he has not brought it up. Could this also be a sign he does not see me as someone he can ever be serious with?
    No, it just means his values are different than yours.
    I might not have introduced my kids at 5 months of weekend dates.
    And it wasn't a reflection of how much I cared about him. I personally would want to be clear with myself that I saw this person as potential life long partner before I mixed the kids in. And I'd be evaluating where my kids where emotionally at that particular time that they could handle meeting someone I was serious about.
    There have been times that at 5 months, even though i was enjoying my time with the person I was seeing, I still wasn't sure.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Bella1010
    A couple of my girlfriends of course make it difficult saying heís not into me, just using me for the companionship, etc, and that is why he may drop off if I allow it.
    Unfortunately friends either see things we don't see clearly, or they are projecting their own failures into your situation. So I get why it gets confusing.

    But it is interesting that you used the term `if I allow it' It suggests that you feel you're the one holding this together. If so, why on earth would you??

    Personally, I would only want to be with a man who was equally enthusiastic about my company. If I felt that he could leave if I wasn't doing all the heavy lifting, I'd drop the rope I'm pulling this with and let him walk.

    There's only one way to find out and I think you know what that is. Drop the rope and you'll see how invested he is. Wouldn't you rather know now than in 5 more months from now?

  4. #14
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    I'm gonna cut to the chase here, OP why does him not texting as much bother you so much?

    Do you view it as he doesn't "care" as much anymore or he's losing interest in you?

    And that is what concerns you, not the actual texting?

    How are you interpreting it?

    If you felt 100% secure in this relationshiop, and his love, would you feel the same?

    What if he worked a job that didn't allow for texting during his daily work hours, would you still be bothered by it so much?

    It sounds like your taking it very personally, imposing your own interpretation of what it means, when in reality it has nothing to do with you or his feelings for you, or lack thereof.

    My bf and I texted all the time in early stages, it became too much (for me too!), however HE was the one who brought it up.

    At the time, I felt very secure in our connection and did not view it as him losing interest at all.

    To the contrary, he was thinking long term, and he knew maintaining that style and pace would cause burn out.

    Now we very rarely text during the day unless it's to confirm a plan or something.

    We may even miss a day!

    It's okay!! I love missing him, and when we do finally talk and get together, that little bit of distance results in our time together being that much more exciting and real.

    So look within and determine what the real issue is.

    If it's to increase how secure you feel in the relationship and with him, thats a different issue altogether.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 05-10-2019 at 03:20 PM.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I'm going to guess these girlfriends are single.

  7. #16
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    Also ask yourself, if he did start texting more, at your request and not because he actually wanted to from his heart, how would this make you feel more secure?

    I certainly would not want my bf texting, or spending more time w me (hypothetically) because I asked him, it defeats the purpose.

    I only want him doing so if it comes from his own desire to do so, from his heart.

    Jmo but I think your issues run deeper than him simply not texting as much.

    Explore that. Resolve that.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    But it is interesting that you used the term `if I allow it' It suggests that you feel you're the one holding this together.
    This jumped out at me too.

    Past the Greek chorus of your friends, past the shifting frequency in communication, you've got a spirit that must be communicating something to you at this point. Do you feel you're on the same page in terms of enthusiasm for seeing each other and enthusiasm for where it's all going?

    I get the sense that this relationship is in something of a plateau, which is not a bad thing. There is security in stability, in not swinging from high to low and calling whiplash a deep connection. But you also want the security that you are climbing toward a shared goal, together, and I guess I wonder if you feel that's happening.

    I admit I do find it a bit odd, if I'm reading this correctly, that you haven't talked about meeting each other's kids. Everyone has different values on that front, in terms of when it actually happens, but after 8 months I'd imagine that it's something that is discussed.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Also ask yourself, if he did start texting more, at your request and not because he actually wanted to from his heart, how would this make you feel more secure?

    I certainly would not want my bf texting, or spending more time w me (hypothetically) because I asked him, it defeats the purpose.

    I only want him doing so if it comes from his own desire to do so, from his heart.

    Jmo but I think your issues run deeper than him simply not texting as much.

    Explore that. Resolve that.
    At the same time I think there are compromises in relationships. Small adjustments that doesn't violate the other person in any way, that would make your partner happy.
    Small favors made in good faith that create a balance of give and take. We can't read each others mind. Well, at least I can't.

    Example: if my boyfriend wanted to exchange good mornings with me and that makes him happy, it doesn't rob me of anything and there's this organic balance of meeting each others needs, than that's ok. Besides, what is the likelihood that you are going to meeting someone who is EXACTLY like you.

    I've been on the other end of this, where my partners demands on me cause my resentment. So there is a limit and I've experienced it.

    It's when the imbalance happens, the scales are tilted too far in one direction and one person feels their needs are not getting met in any particular relationship.

    I am not there. I don't know the exact nature of their dynamic, whether this is two different attachment styles of two good people or there is some garden variety insecurities on one persons end.

    But there's couple ways to find out. Speak up or back off and see what happens.

  10. #19
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    But it is interesting that you used the term `if I allow it' It suggests that you feel you're the one holding this together. If so, why on earth would you??
    I donít think Iím necessarily the only one holding this together. Itís more so that if I donít contact him between dates, he can probably go those 3-4 days without contact. Otherwise, we will just see each other on our ďusualĒ days.

    Katrina, yes, it really comes down to my own interpretation of it, not so much that I actually need the frequency to increase. I feel that the shift in the past few months may indicate that he doesnít care anymore or has simply lost interest.

    Question about meeting each othersí kids. At 8 months, this is unusual then, that it hasnít occurred? Is this something I should bring up to him? If so, any suggestions on how to approach him with this, without making him feel pressured?

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Bella1010
    Great point, abitbroken. Iím definitely willing to give it some time because I care so much about him and hope maybe one day, we can have a future.

    And Iím glad your brought up the possibility of being involved with his kids if it were to progress. I have kids as well and at the point in our relationship where I feel comfortable introducing him. Yet, he has not brought it up. Could this also be a sign he does not see me as someone he can ever be serious with?
    You are reading too much into things. A guy that makes time, despite having his kids all the time, for 2 dates per week plus an additional third meetup when it works out is really interested in you. He is almost giving you equal time to his kids as far as evenings go. And too many people rush things. Lots of couples do not get the kids involved unless they are considering a proposal and meeting the kids/seeing how everyone gels is the last piece of the puzzle, not the first piece. at 8 months and both having kids - its not nearly at that point yet. Its rare and good when someone is not in a mad rush for introductions.

    At this point, you are past the initial excitement of a new relationship and now you are into the relationship. After the year or year and a half mark (so long that everything is going well and nothing major happens), decide what to do.

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