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Thread: Try again or not ?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lovomatic
    I get it . It's just that I had been hurted in the past since I tend to invest myself but ends up getting hurted. We were mostly distance too.
    And since I'm going back for good, I tought everything wasn't lost after all or at least get some form of closure.

    Anyway, Thank you
    You don't get closure from other people. Closure is when YOU sort out for yourself that this person, this relationship wasn't good for you. That's your true closure.

    As for being so afraid to get hurt that you behave in ways that cause you to get hurt, again, this is something to sort out for yourself. You have to learn how to leave the past in the past and how to make better partner choices in the future, not through fear, but looking through a healthy lens, learning good boundaries with people instead of just attaching and saying to yourself "well that's just how I am", there is always room to improve how you are, learning how to communicate better. In fact, make a list of qualities you want and issues you don't actually want to do deal with. How do you want to be treated? Time for you to explore that more so that you learn how to reject men who don't fit in with what you want.

  2. #22
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    You have wasted three years of your precious life on a long distance relationship. He is also avoidant.

    Find someone local who is open and receptive to a relationship, and does not run when there is conflict.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    You don't get closure from other people. Closure is when YOU sort out for yourself that this person, this relationship wasn't good for you. That's your true closure.

    As for being so afraid to get hurt that you behave in ways that cause you to get hurt, again, this is something to sort out for yourself. You have to learn how to leave the past in the past and how to make better partner choices in the future, not through fear, but looking through a healthy lens, learning good boundaries with people instead of just attaching and saying to yourself "well that's just how I am", there is always room to improve how you are, learning how to communicate better. In fact, make a list of qualities you want and issues you don't actually want to do deal with. How do you want to be treated? Time for you to explore that more so that you learn how to reject men who don't fit in with what you want.
    I understand everything ; he didn't "mistreat" me if I can say it like this . He was head over heels for me from the beginning, and throughout the relationship, I actually felt like a Princess. Just that he never really knew how to deal with conflicts other than shutting down. I must also say that although I was caring and present, I had an habit of lashing out to him because his silences frustrated me. After what I would apologise. Never did he respond to my words or raised his voice on me, but he would accept my apologies afterwards . So even if he was wrong, at the end it would weigh on me. But he apologised too. He didn't handle conflict and I was very expressive about my disapprovals.
    It was much more difficult from afar because whenever I was home, he would make time to come and see me despite his tight schedules. I remember him taking permission at work just to drive me to hospital or bringing me my favourite sweets. He was actually sweet when we weren't fighting.

    The day he disappeared he had tried reaching me on whatsapp and since I was asleep, he called and we talked. He said "Oh I met that girl I wanted before today at that gallery". I think he wanted to tease me so I responded "oh but you can go to her" and I laughed. After that we talked, said "I love you" and wished good night. That was it. The day after he wouldn't respond to my whatsapp messages.

    He never blocked me anywhere, never said anything and although I tried reaching him I could sense he was tensed and didn't really want to talk to me. It was 3 weeks after everything. I didnt' insist.

    7 months later I got in touch through mail asking about my stuff but it was really a way to ask why he went away like this , he said I didn't do anything particular that day and that's when he apologised, but also added that the way I talked to him sometimes displeased him. After that we kept exchanging mails and I asked for his help for when I get back because he's very smart... he agreed and started making plans on how to help me, 2 hours a day. He's single so there's no problem.

    One day although, I sent a mail which he took 1 week to respond to. I tought he had gone MIA again and that's how I lashed out, but also confessed that I still loved him.
    And also how I got no response.

    Now you know everything. I guess I drove him away but he also didn't make things easy. I guess we weren't compatible and it's ok.

    But I actually tought that since he already planned on helping me when I was back, I could still let him know after all without insisting, Just so that he knew I was back.

    But from your perspective, I understood I had to drop everything. So I'll just keep to myself when I go back and that's it. Improving would be possible if only he could communicate, but it never happened.

    So I get it. Thanks.

  4. #24
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    You two are really not a match, OP.

    His silence indicates he isn't interested in trying again anyway. I think you only feel there is unfinished business because he never replied to you, but that is your finish line with him.

    It's best to let go of this completely so you can find someone who is compatible with you. This guy isn't.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lovomatic
    One day although, I sent a mail which he took 1 week to respond to. I tought he had gone MIA again and that's how I lashed out, but also confessed that I still loved him.
    And also how I got no response.
    .
    You paint of picture of a man who doesn't like to deal with conflicts and you are on the other hand describe yourself as `expressive'

    After months of not speaking, due to an incident where you told him you wouldn't mind if he left you for someone else (which seems pretty dramatic) you take the opportunity to communicate with him again after your time apart and admit to using this opportunity to lash out at him again.

    And you seem confused as to why he might not be interested?

    He seems low key and not into drama and in turn you keep pushing his buttons to get a rise out of him.
    Instead, he goes dark.

    Improving would be possible if only he could communicate, but it never happened.

    From here it doesn't look like he has an aversion to communication. He simply won't tolerate drama

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    You paint of picture of a man who doesn't like to deal with conflicts and you are on the other hand describe yourself as `expressive'

    After months of not speaking, due to an incident where you told him you wouldn't mind if he left you for someone else (which seems pretty dramatic) you take the opportunity to communicate with him again after your time apart and admit to using this opportunity to lash out at him again.

    And you seem confused as to why he might not be interested?

    He seems low key and not into drama and in turn you keep pushing his buttons to get a rise out of him.
    Instead, he goes dark.

    Improving would be possible if only he could communicate, but it never happened.

    From here it doesn't look like he has an aversion to communication. He simply won't tolerate drama
    Thank you . I get it. I'll just keep to myself when I go back.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I playfully told him that I didn't care if he were to leave for another woman .
    If someone ever said that to me, I'd be gone, too. For good.

    If you want to try to apologize to the guy, you can do that. It's not against the law, and you don't need anyone's approval or permission to stick your neck out to try. If you do, I'd skip making any excuses about your fear of vulnerability, and I'd surely avoid insinuating that his flaws factored into your behavior. I'd focus instead on how horribly ~I~ behaved, how I recognize that saying such an awful thing was hurtful, and how I demonstrated to him that I was not relationship material at that time, and I'm truly sorry. I'd offer that while I don't expect him to forgive me, I'd consider it a personal favor if he'd let me know if there's any way that I can ever make this up to him because I'm returning to town on [date].

    Then I'd just leave him alone. I'd focus on reaching my own higher ground and surprising myself with my own resilience and ability to ounce back from this. It's your percentage play, because if your path crosses with this guy in the future, you'll wan to be proud of the strides you've made in your own healing, growth and development rather than demonstrate that you're still stuck in a stagnated rut of an unchanged perspective and game playing. Nobody who is healthy would be interested in returning to a lousy relationship with someone who is immature and incapable of forward growth. So regardless of whether your progress ever lands you back with ex, you'll need to quit ruminating and start healing.

    Head high.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    If someone ever said that to me, I'd be gone, too. For good.

    If you want to try to apologize to the guy, you can do that. It's not against the law, and you don't need anyone's approval or permission to stick your neck out to try. If you do, I'd skip making any excuses about your fear of vulnerability, and I'd surely avoid insinuating that his flaws factored into your behavior. I'd focus instead on how horribly ~I~ behaved, how I recognize that saying such an awful thing was hurtful, and how I demonstrated to him that I was not relationship material at that time, and I'm truly sorry. I'd offer that while I don't expect him to forgive me, I'd consider it a personal favor if he'd let me know if there's any way that I can ever make this up to him because I'm returning to town on [date].

    Then I'd just leave him alone. I'd focus on reaching my own higher ground and surprising myself with my own resilience and ability to ounce back from this. It's your percentage play, because if your path crosses with this guy in the future, you'll wan to be proud of the strides you've made in your own healing, growth and development rather than demonstrate that you're still stuck in a stagnated rut of an unchanged perspective and game playing. Nobody who is healthy would be interested in returning to a lousy relationship with someone who is immature and incapable of forward growth. So regardless of whether your progress ever lands you back with ex, you'll need to quit ruminating and start healing.

    Head high.
    So I wasn't "relationship material" at this time when I cared about him ? When even while being angry at him, I could never skip a special day for him ? When I was there during his ilnesses, even from afar ? when I would cry when he was suffering ? Please do not go over the subject to talk about what you don't know. I just tought we were both teasing when it happened, never tought that he would use that to stay in his corner. "Expect him to forgive me, personal favor, make it up to him..." lol... I will never beg him . Ever. Where were you when he hurted me too many times even if I don't talk about it here ? you're making him sound like a saint, which he definitely is not, trust me. We BOTH had our flaws.

    I left him alone long ago. I just wanted to know how to act once I would be back. And if he never returns, my life won't be over trust me. He was just a boyfriend, not my husband, so yeah, I'll be fine. I'm just trying the best I can to avoid any regret in the future. " Lousy relationship with someone immature", what do you know ? lol, I came here for advice, not for insults. The immature is not the one trying to discuss when things happen. The immature is the one who just stay silent and expect others to guess what he thinks.

    And if our paths cross again one day, I'LL NEVER BE THE ONE LOWERING MY HEAD because I was not the one who got away like a coward knowing that I'd have stuck by him even when things went sour. I'll just stay the gorgeous woman I've always been because even if I can actually do much better than him, I chosed to stick to him and he was gone on the first occasion.

    Next time you haven't anything nice to say, please don't say anything.
    Thank you.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lovomatic
    So I wasn't "relationship material" at this time when I cared about him ? When even while being angry at him, I could never skip a special day for him ? When I was there during his ilnesses, even from afar ? when I would cry when he was suffering ? Please do not go over the subject to talk about what you don't know. I just tought we were both teasing when it happened, never tought that he would use that to stay in his corner. "Expect him to forgive me, personal favor, make it up to him..." lol... I will never beg him . Ever. Where were you when he hurted me too many times even if I don't talk about it here ? you're making him sound like a saint, which he definitely is not, trust me. We BOTH had our flaws.

    I left him alone long ago. I just wanted to know how to act once I would be back. And if he never returns, my life won't be over trust me. He was just a boyfriend, not my husband, so yeah, I'll be fine. I'm just trying the best I can to avoid any regret in the future. " Lousy relationship with someone immature", what do you know ? lol, I came here for advice, not for insults. The immature is not the one trying to discuss when things happen. The immature is the one who just stay silent and expect others to guess what he thinks.

    And if our paths cross again one day, I'LL NEVER BE THE ONE LOWERING MY HEAD because I was not the one who got away like a coward knowing that I'd have stuck by him even when things went sour. I'll just stay the gorgeous woman I've always been because even if I can actually do much better than him, I chosed to stick to him and he was gone on the first occasion.

    Next time you haven't anything nice to say, please don't say anything.
    Thank you.
    Your words and game playing demo'd that you were not mature enough for a relationship. Exactly why he walked away. Exactly why you'd write the kind of post you did above, too.

    Not sure what kind of help you're looking for. You can't even get out of your own way to use it.

  11. #30
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    Last edited by Lovomatic; 05-12-2019 at 07:31 AM.

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