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Hello, please help me sort out this situation .

 

We were dating long-distance with my ex ( he's 30 and I'm 26) for nearly 3 years when he quietly disappeared after a conversation we had where I playfully told him that I didn't care if he were to leave for another woman . I've always had a pattern of playing it cool with him because I've been scared of showing vulnerability .

After that day though, we've been broken up for 10 months since he never really said anything but quietly disappeared. He's an avoidant who despises conflicts .

I didn't pursue him but made sure rumors got to him that I had someone else, only to hurt him the way he hurted me . Two months ago though we got back in touch and he apologised for the way he went off the radar. I asked him some help with a project when I'll be back to my country and he showed enthusiasm and support, even making inside jokes. We only exchanged mails, no calls or messages.

 

Knowing he's also single, I confessed after that I still loved him and told him all the truth about having been single for the past months but also lashed out at him, telling how he broke my heart . I also told him if he still didn't say anything, I'd consider it a no.

He never responded to my email.

 

In 3 months I'll be back in my country for good. Should I let him know I'm back or just leave things this way ?

I can't help but feel like there's an "unfinished business".

Thanks a lot and sorry if there are mistakes, I'm a french speaker .

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He ended things with you. You got back in touch, told him how you feel and told him that if he doesn't respond, you'll take his non response as a definitive "no" to your wish to get back together. He hasn't responded to you since. You already have your answer and that answer is that he is done and gone and not interested in pursuing anything with you anymore. There is no unfinished business here, only your personal lack of acceptance that this is over.

 

Please accept and move on. Heal and think hard why you want to stick around with a guy is so avoidant and has such issues that he'll just disappear after 3 years without a word. Is this your idea of healthy? Surely not. There are better men out there for you. Of course, that means that you also need to stop playing games and become open to a healthy relationship. Stop pretending to be cool because all you are really doing is setting yourself up to get hurt. Nobody is doing it to you, you are doing it to yourself. Forget this guy and work on yourself. Two unhealthy people don't make a healthy whole, they just keep each other down.

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Long distance relationships are hard - most don't workout.

 

Sarcasm is great but what you said was a little rough.

 

Sometimes you just need to start with a clean slate - that means finding another man. I would suggest somebody local this time.

 

The unfinished business is, you are still feeling the loss from your breakup. This heartbreak will disappear with time, and by dating other guys.

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I think I got hooked by the way he reacted when we got back in touch. He would tell me about his day and ask about mine, talking and talking as if it was the only thing he was waiting for and I even felt surprise...

 

If only I had got a straight answer from him from the beginning, he would be history since long ago.

But I guess that's what happens when you get no closure.

 

Thank you.

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Why pointing the fact ? I'm just seeking for advices, being heartbroken, so if you've nothing nice to say, please leave my thread since your're not adding to it

, thank you.

 

Why so defensive? You did not need to create two threads and it goes against the forum rules.

 

You haven't spoken to the guy in 10 months. How can you be so heartbroken, especially after all of the games you played.? That is on you!

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I'd say he's got no interest in coming back to you and i think you need to grow up emotionally and stop the games and trying to hurt people. Fronting that you don't care etc etc. Not good.

 

He wasn't communicating and I struggled, dating him was draining from afar, so I figured things would change for the best when I go back home.

He was actually the one hurting me every time by his silences and withdrawals, although I was there for him.

 

It's ok though. Thank you.

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He wasn't communicating and I struggled, dating him was draining from afar, so I figured things would change for the best when I go back home.

He was actually the one hurting me every time by his silences and withdrawals, although I was there for him.

 

It's ok though. Thank you.

 

Then, why would you continue with someone like this? I certainly do not understand why you would want to restart things knowing he is like this. That makes zero sense.

 

You need to address your bad choices in partners, due to you trust issues. You choose people that will not let you in. You are emotionally unavailable and purposely choose the wrong partners.

 

Deal with your trust issues and you will make better choices.

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Why so defensive? You did not need to create two threads and it goes against the forum rules.

 

You haven't spoken to the guy in 10 months. How can you be so heartbroken, especially after all of the games you played.? That is on you!

 

Report me to an administrator if it can makes you feel better.

 

Every person has his way of coping and I precised that we got back in touch 2 months ago.

 

You're the one showing insensivity here, please don't you have better things to do ?

I think I'll stop replying ti you now, have a nice day.

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Report me to an administrator if it can makes you feel better.

 

Every person has his way of coping and I precised that we got back in touch 2 months ago.

 

You're the one showing insensivity here, please don't you have better things to do ?

I think I'll stop replying ti you now, have a nice day.

 

 

 

Maybe, if you read what was being said instead of being so defensive, you would see that you are a big part of the problem: choosing the wrong people.

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Then, why would you continue with someone like this? I certainly do not understand why you would want to restart things knowing he is like this. That makes zero sense.

 

You need to address your bad choices in partners, due to you trust issues. You choose people that will not let you in. You are emotionally unavailable and purposely choose the wrong partners.

 

Deal with your trust issues and you will make better choices.

 

I was actually the one opening my heart and pouring it to him every time. He would also let me in about everything, only that he couldn't deal with conflicts. I'm actually really expressive and I apologise fast, always trying to make things better. He also did but after some time.

Anyway I think distance held me from moving on. Thank you though.

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I was actually the one opening my heart and pouring it to him every time. He would also let me in about everything, only that he couldn't deal with conflicts. I'm actually really expressive and I apologise fast, always trying to make things better. He also did but after some time.

Anyway I think distance held me from moving on. Thank you though.

 

But, he was a bad choice. He is avoidant, and that will not change.

 

I used to do what you did: choose people who were emotionally unavailable and ran when conflict would arise. These people are not good choices as partners, and I gravitated to them due to my own emotional unavailability- I would never have to let them into my life completely. When my ex crushed my heart, i recognized my patterns and the people I WAS ALLOWING into my life, and it wasn't good.

I was very grateful for that pain, as i made many positive changes. One of the websites that helped me grow was baggagereclaim,com I hope that you will check it out, as you will learn much about your choices, and yourself.

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He wasn't communicating and I struggled, dating him was draining from afar, so I figured things would change for the best when I go back home.

He was actually the one hurting me every time by his silences and withdrawals, although I was there for him.

 

It's ok though. Thank you.

 

People don't change who and how they are just because you move close to them. He is still the same person with the same issues with communication and avoidance and withdrawals. If anything, getting the silent treatment when you are close by is even worse. I think in this case, distance is what kept this going for as long as it has. Imagine you have a weekend planned and he just disappears without a word and you are just sitting there not knowing what happened, what to do about your plans and so on. It's crazy making. It's really best that you move on from this because people like that are ultimately toxic.

 

When someone leaves you feeling constantly sad, rejected, hurt, frustrated, feeling bad.....that's your clue that you are with the wrong person. It does't necessarily make him a bad human being, only that you and him are not compatible.

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Honestly, after 3 years you should be "playing it cool" or playing it anything - you should just be yourself.

 

I get it . It's just that I had been hurted in the past since I tend to invest myself but ends up getting hurted. We were mostly distance too.

And since I'm going back for good, I tought everything wasn't lost after all or at least get some form of closure.

 

Anyway, Thank you

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People don't change who and how they are just because you move close to them. He is still the same person with the same issues with communication and avoidance and withdrawals. If anything, getting the silent treatment when you are close by is even worse. I think in this case, distance is what kept this going for as long as it has. Imagine you have a weekend planned and he just disappears without a word and you are just sitting there not knowing what happened, what to do about your plans and so on. It's crazy making. It's really best that you move on from this because people like that are ultimately toxic.

 

When someone leaves you feeling constantly sad, rejected, hurt, frustrated, feeling bad.....that's your clue that you are with the wrong person. It does't necessarily make him a bad human being, only that you and him are not compatible.

 

I understand and it's very well said. I thank you.

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I get it . It's just that I had been hurted in the past since I tend to invest myself but ends up getting hurted. We were mostly distance too.

And since I'm going back for good, I tought everything wasn't lost after all or at least get some form of closure.

 

Anyway, Thank you

 

You don't get closure from other people. Closure is when YOU sort out for yourself that this person, this relationship wasn't good for you. That's your true closure.

 

As for being so afraid to get hurt that you behave in ways that cause you to get hurt, again, this is something to sort out for yourself. You have to learn how to leave the past in the past and how to make better partner choices in the future, not through fear, but looking through a healthy lens, learning good boundaries with people instead of just attaching and saying to yourself "well that's just how I am", there is always room to improve how you are, learning how to communicate better. In fact, make a list of qualities you want and issues you don't actually want to do deal with. How do you want to be treated? Time for you to explore that more so that you learn how to reject men who don't fit in with what you want.

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You don't get closure from other people. Closure is when YOU sort out for yourself that this person, this relationship wasn't good for you. That's your true closure.

 

As for being so afraid to get hurt that you behave in ways that cause you to get hurt, again, this is something to sort out for yourself. You have to learn how to leave the past in the past and how to make better partner choices in the future, not through fear, but looking through a healthy lens, learning good boundaries with people instead of just attaching and saying to yourself "well that's just how I am", there is always room to improve how you are, learning how to communicate better. In fact, make a list of qualities you want and issues you don't actually want to do deal with. How do you want to be treated? Time for you to explore that more so that you learn how to reject men who don't fit in with what you want.

 

I understand everything ; he didn't "mistreat" me if I can say it like this . He was head over heels for me from the beginning, and throughout the relationship, I actually felt like a Princess. Just that he never really knew how to deal with conflicts other than shutting down. I must also say that although I was caring and present, I had an habit of lashing out to him because his silences frustrated me. After what I would apologise. Never did he respond to my words or raised his voice on me, but he would accept my apologies afterwards . So even if he was wrong, at the end it would weigh on me. But he apologised too. He didn't handle conflict and I was very expressive about my disapprovals.

It was much more difficult from afar because whenever I was home, he would make time to come and see me despite his tight schedules. I remember him taking permission at work just to drive me to hospital or bringing me my favourite sweets. He was actually sweet when we weren't fighting.

 

The day he disappeared he had tried reaching me on whatsapp and since I was asleep, he called and we talked. He said "Oh I met that girl I wanted before today at that gallery". I think he wanted to tease me so I responded "oh but you can go to her" and I laughed. After that we talked, said "I love you" and wished good night. That was it. The day after he wouldn't respond to my whatsapp messages.

 

He never blocked me anywhere, never said anything and although I tried reaching him I could sense he was tensed and didn't really want to talk to me. It was 3 weeks after everything. I didnt' insist.

 

7 months later I got in touch through mail asking about my stuff but it was really a way to ask why he went away like this , he said I didn't do anything particular that day and that's when he apologised, but also added that the way I talked to him sometimes displeased him. After that we kept exchanging mails and I asked for his help for when I get back because he's very smart... he agreed and started making plans on how to help me, 2 hours a day. He's single so there's no problem.

 

One day although, I sent a mail which he took 1 week to respond to. I tought he had gone MIA again and that's how I lashed out, but also confessed that I still loved him.

And also how I got no response.

 

Now you know everything. I guess I drove him away but he also didn't make things easy. I guess we weren't compatible and it's ok.

 

But I actually tought that since he already planned on helping me when I was back, I could still let him know after all without insisting, Just so that he knew I was back.

 

But from your perspective, I understood I had to drop everything. So I'll just keep to myself when I go back and that's it. Improving would be possible if only he could communicate, but it never happened.

 

So I get it. Thanks.

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You two are really not a match, OP.

 

His silence indicates he isn't interested in trying again anyway. I think you only feel there is unfinished business because he never replied to you, but that is your finish line with him.

 

It's best to let go of this completely so you can find someone who is compatible with you. This guy isn't.

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One day although, I sent a mail which he took 1 week to respond to. I tought he had gone MIA again and that's how I lashed out, but also confessed that I still loved him.

And also how I got no response.

.

You paint of picture of a man who doesn't like to deal with conflicts and you are on the other hand describe yourself as `expressive'

 

After months of not speaking, due to an incident where you told him you wouldn't mind if he left you for someone else (which seems pretty dramatic) you take the opportunity to communicate with him again after your time apart and admit to using this opportunity to lash out at him again.

 

And you seem confused as to why he might not be interested?

 

He seems low key and not into drama and in turn you keep pushing his buttons to get a rise out of him.

Instead, he goes dark.

Improving would be possible if only he could communicate, but it never happened.

From here it doesn't look like he has an aversion to communication. He simply won't tolerate drama

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